Red vs. Blue Quotes

Church: How 'bout a jug of milk?

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: Are you familiar with turducken?
Grif: Yeah, that's what I do when I go to the monkey house and make them mad.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms of life, you know, fight them.
Simmons: Yeah, no shit, that's why they should have put us in charge.
Sarge: Ladies! Front and center on the double!
Simmons: Fuck!
Grif: Yes sir!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Caboose: Hey Church, Happy Valenti...
Church: Get the fuck away from me!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Caboose: "Hey Church, ever wonder why we're here?"
Church: "You know, Caboose, I used to not care. I just went along with orders and hoped that everything would work out for me. But after all that has happened, you know what I learned? It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an asshole, or pervert, or snob, or they're lazy, or arrogant, or an idiot, or a know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to. You have to learn to despise them on a personal level. Not because they're Red, or Blue, but because you know them, and you see them every single day, and you can't stand them because they are a complete and total fucking douche bag."
Caboose: "...I meant why are we up here in the sun when we could be standing down there in the shade."
Church: "Oh. Yeah, okay. Let's go stand in the shade."

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Caboose: Um Mr. Church!? Sorry for y'know, calling your girlfriend a slut.
Church: Rookie! Shut up! Just shut up! You're driving me crazy! Get in there!
Donut: [to Church and Tucker] Uh sirs, can I ask you a question?
Church: Dear God in Heaven, Rookie. If I turn around, and you are not inside the base...I, I can't be held responsible for what i'm going to do to you.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: {Stressed yelling} Caboose!
Caboose: {Happily} Hello!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Washington: Caboose, throw that grenade!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Washington: That was the worst throw ever, of all time.
Caboose: Not my fault, someone put a wall in my way.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Andy: What do you want, Caboose?
Caboose: I want a pony.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Simmons: Hey.
Grif: M'Yeah?
Simmons: D'You ever wonder why we're here?
Grif: It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some...cosmic coincidence? Or is there really a God, watching everything, you know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night.
Simmons: What? I mean why are we out here, in this canyon?
Grif: Oh. Uhhhhh. Yeah.
Simmons: And what's all that stuff about God?
Grif: Uhhhhh. Hm? Nothing.
Simmons: Do you want to talk about it?
Grif: No.
Simmons: You sure?
Grif: Yeah.
Simmons: Seriously though, why are we out here? As far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. No way in or out.
Grif: Mmmhmmm.
Simmons: I mean, the only reason that we set up a red base here is because they have a blue base over there, and the only reason they have a blue base over there is because we have a red base here.
Grif: Well, yeah, that's because we're fighting each other.
Simmons: No, no, but I mean... even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come and take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoopdeefuckindoo.
Grif: What's up with that anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens, next thing I know. Master Chief blows up the whole Covenant Armada, and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere fighting a bunch of blue guys!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tucker: What are they doing?
Church: ...What?!
Tucker: I said, what are they doing now?
Church: God...damn! I'm getting so sick of answering that question--
Tucker: Hey, you have a fucking rifle; I can't see shit! So don't bitch at me because I'm not going to just sit up here all day and play with my dick--
Church: Okay, okay, look: They're just standing there and talking. Okay? That's all they're doing--that's all they ever do--is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So five minutes from now, when you ask me--"what are they doing?", my answer's gonna be "they're still just talking, and they're still just standing there !"
Tucker: ... What are they talking about?
Church: You know what? I fucking hate you.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: Hurry up ladies. This ain't no ice cream social!
Simmons: Ice cream social?
Sarge: Stop the pillow talk you two. Anyone want to guess why I gathered you here today?
Grif: Uhh...is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?
Sarge: [sarcastically] That's exactly it private, war's over, we won, turns out you're the big hero and we're going to hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here is in charge of confetti!
Grif: I'm no stranger to sarcasm, Sir.
Sarge: God damn it private! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep.
Simmons: Oh I'd do it too.
Sarge: I know you would Simmons. Good man. Couple of things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.
Grif: Crap, we're getting a rookie.
Sarge: That's right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week, but today we received the first part of our shipment from Command. Lopez, bring up the vehicle.
[Lopez drives up in a new jeep]
Simmons: Shotgun.
Grif: Shotgun... Fuck!
Sarge: May I introduce, our new Light-Reconnaissance vehicle. (Rotating around the new jeep) It has 4-inch Armor Plating; M.A.G. Bumper Suspension; a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen! This is the M12 LRV! I like to call it the 'Warthog'.
Simmons: Why 'Warthog,' Sir?
Sarge: Because 'M12 LRV' is too hard to say in conversation, son.
Grif: No, but, why 'Warthog'? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig...
Sarge: Say that again?
Grif: I think it looks more like a Puma.
Sarge: What in Sam Hell is a 'Puma'?
Simmons: Uhh, you mean like the shoe company?
Gr

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tucker: What is that thing?
Church: I dunno. It looks like... Uh... It looks like they've got some sort of car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it.
Tucker: A car?! How come they get a car?!
Church: What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.
Tucker: (mutters to himself) You can't pick up chicks in a tank...
Church: Oh, you know what? You could bitch about anything, couldn't you? We're gonna get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up, man?! Frig! And secondly, how're we gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that? (referring to the Warthog)
Tucker: Well, what kind of car is it?
Church: I don't know, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a, uh…like a big cat of some kind.
Tucker: …What, like a puma?
Church: Yeah, man, there you go.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: So unless anybody has any more mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're gonna stick with, the 'Warthog'. How about it Grif?
Grif: No sir. No more suggestions.
Sarge: Are you sure? How 'bout Big Foot?
Grif: It's okay.
Sarge: Unicorn?
Grif: No, really. I...I'm cool.
Sarge: Sasquatch?
Simmons: Leprechaun?
Grif: Hey, he doesn't need any help man.
Sarge: Pheonix?
Grif: *sigh* (muttering) Christ.
Sarge: Hey Simmons! What's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats.
Simmons: Uh, That would be the Chupacabra sir.
Sarge: Hey Grif! Chupathingy, how 'bout that? I like it. Got a ring to it.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Simmons: Hey, that's not exactly what happened.
Grif: Yes, it is. You said, "I'm not going to the Vegas Quadrant", and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod heading for-
Donut: (interrupting) Excuse me uh, sirs...
Grif: Sirs? Oh crap.
Donut: I was told to report to Blood Gulch outpost #1 and speak to whoever's in charge.
Grif: Sorry, man, Sarge is at command getting orders, ain't nobody in charge today.
Simmons: Actually, private, he left me in charge while he's gone.
Grif: You are such a kiss-ass.
Simmons: Also, he told me that if I had any trouble from you I should *cough* (mimicking Sarge) 'Get in the Warthog, and crush your head like a tomato can.'
Grif: ... That's the worst impression I've ever heard.
Simmons: Okay, rookie, what's your story?
Donut: Private Donut reporting for duty sir! Ready to fight some aliens.
Grif: Couple of things here, rookie. First off, 'Private Donut'? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?
Donut: This is the standard issue red.
Grif: Yeah, I know. Listen, only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor, officers and recruits, and since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an Officer.
Donut: (referring to Simmons) Well, he's wearing red armor.
Simmons: No. My armor is maroon. Your armor is red.
Donut: Well, how do I get a different color armor?
Grif: Oh, man, I bet the Blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[The Blues are admiring their new tank]
Caboose: So I say to the guy, "How you going to get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship." And I go, "If you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"
Tucker: Hey kid?
Caboose: Yeah?
Tucker: You're ruining the moment. Shut up.
Caboose: Oh...okay. You got it, man!
Church: You know what? I could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tucker: Okay Lopez, get inside Sheila and do your business.
Sheila: What?!
Lopez: Estoy consiguiendo muy sudoroso. (Translated: I'm getting very sweaty!)
Tucker: Oh my God. Remind me to hose you two off when we get back to base.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: [commenting on Lopez's singing] Whats on the radio now? It sounds like the feral cry of a retarded mexican sasquach!
Simmons: TURN IT OFF!! TURN IT OFF!! PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP!!!
Donut: Aw man, this rules! RULES!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Simmons: Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal-
Grif: I just refuse to call him Private Donut.
Simmons: We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?
Donut: Absolutely!
Simmons: We need you to go to the store and get two quarts of Elbow grease.
Grif: Yeah and, uh, pick up some...headlight fluid for the Puma too.
Donut: The what?
Simmons: He means the Warthog.
Grif: You do know where the store is, right, rookie?
Donut: What? A- yeah! Yeah, of course I do. Sure. No problem.
Simmons: Well, get going then.
[Donut starts to go left]
Grif: Other way.
[Donut turns around and goes right]
Donut: I knew that! I just got turned around, that's all.
[Donut goes off frame]
Simmons: How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?
Grif: I'd say... at least a week.
[Camera cuts back to Donut]
Donut: Elbow grease! How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with the headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the sergeant.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[The Blues talking about their new tank]
Tucker: You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks apiece.
Church: Oh, man! Listen to you! What are you gonna do with two chicks?
Tucker: Church, women are like Voltron; the more you can hook up, the better it gets.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Simmons: You think that we were too mean to the kid?
Grif: Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?
[Donut walks towards blue base]
Donut: Finally! There it is! Oh, sweet! They sell tanks!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Hey, I'll letcha in on a little secret. I've uh...I've actually got a girl back home.
Tucker: Oh yeah? Girlfriend or wife?
Church: No, man, she's just my girlfriend, you know. We were gonna get married, but I got shipped out and...ah you know how it works.
Tucker: Oh, well...are you gonna marry her when you get back?
Caboose: I'm not gonna get married. My dad always said, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
Church: Hey, rookie, did you just call my girlfriend a cow?
Tucker: No, I think he called her a slut!
Church: I'll tell ya what, noob, I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long, but as it turns out, I got a lot more important job for you to do.
Caboose: (dryly) Great.
Church: See, we've got this general-
Tucker: Right...the...general guy.
Church: -who likes to come by and make random inspections at bases. So what I'm gonna have you do is I'm gonna have you go in the base and stand right next to the flag at attention just in case he decides to come by.
Caboose: When is he coming by?
Tucker: We'd never know. Could be today could be...a week from now.
Caboose: You want me to stand at attention for a week?
Church: You know, you don't sound very grateful. This is the most important job at the whole base! You're gonna be right there with the flag.
Caboose: What's so important about the flag?
Church: Oh, come on! Don't they teach you guys anything in training?
Caboose: They didn't tell us anything about a flag...why is it so important?
Church: Because it's the flag, man, you know, it's the...it's the flag...it's...Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important.
Tucker:

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Donut runs into a room with Caboose standing next to the blue flag; Caboose thinks that Donut is the general and Donut thinks the blue base is the store]
Caboose: Wow! You got here fast!
Donut: Why is everybody so freaking rude in this canyon?!
Caboose: I'm not, sir! What can I do for ya?
Donut: Finally! Someone with a little respect around here!
Caboose: Yes, sir! (motions toward flag) I assume you're here because of this.
Donut: Wait...is this all you have?
Caboose: Uh, yes, sir! That's it!
Donut: Aw man! This figures. Shit. What about Elbow grease?
Caboose: Ummm...
Donut: Headlight fluid?
Caboose: Nope. All we have is this flag.
Donut: Well, I can't go back empty-handed. I guess I'll take that.
Caboose: Sure...that makes sense...I guess...
Donut: Man, they're gonna give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag.
[Donut runs off with the blue flag]

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Church and Tucker talk outside about the tank, completely unaware of what just took place]
Church: Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in Tucker.
Tucker: Me? I can't drive that thing!
Church: You're telling me you're not armor certified?
Tucker: I ca- I don't even know how to use the fuckin' sniper rifle! Don't you know how to drive that?
Church: No! Holy crap! Who is running this army?!
[Caboose leaves blue base]
Caboose: Hey! Just wanted to let you know, the general stopped by and picked up the flag!
Church: Yeah, okay. Whatever, moron!! Why would they give us a tank if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing? ... Wait a second...what did he just say?

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Through a combination of misunderstandings, Caboose let Donut take the blue flag]
Church: Let me get this straight; you gave this guy our flag...
Caboose: Is that bad?
Church: Bad? Oh no, that's not bad! Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole god damn base?!
Tucker: There! There he is!
[Church looks though a sniper rifle]

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: All right, that's it! I've had it! Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker, we'll head through the teleporter, we'll cut him off at the pass.
Caboose: Right!
Church: Tucker, you ready? Let's go.
Tucker: There is no way I'm going through that thing.
Church: Tucker, we don't have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?
Tucker: I don't know! Why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?
Church: We already tested the teleporter, remember?
Tucker: We threw rocks through it!
Church: Yeah and so what?! The rocks came through the other side, didn't they?
Tucker: Yeah, but they were all hot and covered with black stuff.
Church: Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about then?! You're afraid of a little black stuff.
Tucker: Yes, I am. I am afraid of black stuff.
Church: Tucker, I almost hate to do this to ya. [Church points his gun at him]
Tucker: You wouldn't.
Church: You know, I look at it this way: either A) we go through there and get the flag back, or B) we stay here, and I get to kill you. Either way, I win.
Tucker: For the record, I want you to know: Rocks aren't people.
Church: Duly noted. Now get in there.
Tucker: Alright. One... two...
[Tucker runs through the teleporter]
Church: ...
Caboose: Huh. He didn't come out the other side.
Church: Yeah. I've, uh... I've decided I'm not gonna use the teleporter.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: FREEZE! [Aims assault rifle at Donut]
Donut: Hey, why the hell were you shooting at me? You could have hit me, dick!
Church: Can it! Don't try to play stupid with me, Sarge! I know who you are. We've been spying on you for three weeks now.
Donut: I just got here two hours and I'm not a Sergeant, I'm a Private.
Church: Wait a minute, you're not the Sergeant!
Donut: Ya! That's what I just said.
Church: Then how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?
Donut: Steal? I have no idea what the hell you're talking about.
[Tucker suddenly pops out through the teleporter]
Tucker: THREE!
Church: JESUS!
Donut: HOLY SHIT! Who is this guy!?
Church: What in the hell!? Tucker? Is that you?
Tucker: How did you get up here ahead of me?
Donut: And what's with that black shit on your armor?
Tucker: Hey! Freeze, Sarge! [Tucker levels his weapon at Donut's head]
Donut: Will you stop calling me a Sergeant, I'm still just a Private!
Tucker: The Sarge is still a Private? Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Grif gets in driver seat of warthog]
Grif: Sorry Lopez, but we need the Warthog.
[Simmons gets in gunner position.]
Simmons: I got gunner. Dont worry Lopez, we'll bring her back in one peice.
Grif: How do you turn off the fucking radio?

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[After a long explanation given by Tucker...]
Donut: Is this guy a retard?
[Annoying ranchero music from the Red Team's Warthog starts playing quietly and gets louder and louder as Church continues talking]
Church: Red, shut up. Tucker, listen to me, you haven't gone back in time, okay? This is the guy that stole our flag, he's just not the Sergeant. Turns out, he's just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow-FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!?
[Warthog flies over hill towards Church, Tucker and Donut]
Simmons: Whooo-hoooo!
Church: Holy shit!
Tucker: Son of a bitch!
Church: Run! Jesus, run!
Tucker: The jeep followed me back in time!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue