Red vs. Blue Quotes
Simmons: Hey Sarge, hold on a sec. Did you see something weird, Sarge?
Sarge: Yes I did. Once when I was a small child, I saw a man who claimed to be my uncle do this thing with a garden hose that still haunts me to this—
Simmons: Whoa, whoa. I mean did you see something weird just now? Like 5 seconds ago.
Sarge: Oh, ... then no.
Simmons: What was all that stuff about your uncle?
Sarge: I keep telling everyone he wasn't my uncle! He wasn't!
Simmons: You wanna talk about it?
Sarge: Yes I did. Once when I was a small child, I saw a man who claimed to be my uncle do this thing with a garden hose that still haunts me to this—
Simmons: Whoa, whoa. I mean did you see something weird just now? Like 5 seconds ago.
Sarge: Oh, ... then no.
Simmons: What was all that stuff about your uncle?
Sarge: I keep telling everyone he wasn't my uncle! He wasn't!
Simmons: You wanna talk about it?
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: [talking to Lopez] Alright, that's the deal Mr. Robot. You fix our tank, we let you go free.
Caboose: I thought the plan was to trick him into fixing the tank, and then Church will take over his body again when he is done.
Tucker: Yeah, but you don't tell the person you are tricking what's going on, Caboose.
Caboose: So, if I'm the one being tricked, then you will not tell me what is really going ON?
Tucker: Why would we trick you?
Caboose: Oh [pause] I think you know.
Caboose: I thought the plan was to trick him into fixing the tank, and then Church will take over his body again when he is done.
Tucker: Yeah, but you don't tell the person you are tricking what's going on, Caboose.
Caboose: So, if I'm the one being tricked, then you will not tell me what is really going ON?
Tucker: Why would we trick you?
Caboose: Oh [pause] I think you know.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Zooms over to blue base where Church and Tucker are chatting]
Tucker: Hey Church, if your body is the red team's old droid, and droids usually fix stuff, can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Sheila?
Church: Huh... well, yeah, it's worth a shot, I guess. *Ahem* All right, stand back. [Church starts grunting for six seconds]
Tucker: Anything?
Church: Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think it'd be.
Tucker: Maybe there's a button on you somewhere.
Church: See what you can find. I'll keep trying from in here. [Begins grunting again] Oh, hey.
Tucker: Found it?
Church: Nah, no, wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently 26 degrees, by the way.
Tucker: What? It's not 26 degrees out here, that's freezing.
Church: Celsius, Tucker.
Tucker: Come on dude, Celsius sucks. [Tucker bends down to only find a switch in Church's crotch] Hey, I found something.
Church: Oh yeah, you found a button?
Tucker: No dude, it's more like a...switch.
Church: Well, give it a flip. [Tucker stand up to face Church]
Tucker: I don't wanna flip it.
Church: What's the problem?
Tucker: It's in a weird place.
Church: Oh, you gotta be kidding me!
Tucker: You flip it!
Church: These arms aren't that flexible. I can't even reach down there.
Tucker: What about Caboose?
Church: Aw man, he's so stupid. I don't even know if he knows how to operate a switch.
Tucker: Aw man.
Church: Tucker, come on! We'll laugh about it later. I'll buy you dinner. [Tucker bends down to flip the switch but comes back up, unsuccessful]
Tucker: It won't move. Its stuck.
Church: Did you try wiggling i
Tucker: Hey Church, if your body is the red team's old droid, and droids usually fix stuff, can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Sheila?
Church: Huh... well, yeah, it's worth a shot, I guess. *Ahem* All right, stand back. [Church starts grunting for six seconds]
Tucker: Anything?
Church: Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think it'd be.
Tucker: Maybe there's a button on you somewhere.
Church: See what you can find. I'll keep trying from in here. [Begins grunting again] Oh, hey.
Tucker: Found it?
Church: Nah, no, wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently 26 degrees, by the way.
Tucker: What? It's not 26 degrees out here, that's freezing.
Church: Celsius, Tucker.
Tucker: Come on dude, Celsius sucks. [Tucker bends down to only find a switch in Church's crotch] Hey, I found something.
Church: Oh yeah, you found a button?
Tucker: No dude, it's more like a...switch.
Church: Well, give it a flip. [Tucker stand up to face Church]
Tucker: I don't wanna flip it.
Church: What's the problem?
Tucker: It's in a weird place.
Church: Oh, you gotta be kidding me!
Tucker: You flip it!
Church: These arms aren't that flexible. I can't even reach down there.
Tucker: What about Caboose?
Church: Aw man, he's so stupid. I don't even know if he knows how to operate a switch.
Tucker: Aw man.
Church: Tucker, come on! We'll laugh about it later. I'll buy you dinner. [Tucker bends down to flip the switch but comes back up, unsuccessful]
Tucker: It won't move. Its stuck.
Church: Did you try wiggling i
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tucker: I'm just trying to be helpful.
Church: Yeah, well, you're failing.
Caboose: Oh, I hear that voice telling us to kill all of our friends before they have a chance to kill us. (Church and Tucker stare at Caboose)
Caboose: What? You guys don't hear that?
Church: Yeah, well, you're failing.
Caboose: Oh, I hear that voice telling us to kill all of our friends before they have a chance to kill us. (Church and Tucker stare at Caboose)
Caboose: What? You guys don't hear that?
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Donut: Hey, he's taking the Jeep!
Doc: HELP, the Jeep is kidnapping me!
Donut: Now he's taunting us. This is just embarrassing.
Doc: HELP, the Jeep is kidnapping me!
Donut: Now he's taunting us. This is just embarrassing.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[The Blues activate the tagetting system on the jeep]
Jeep: Aqquire Target..Red.
Grif: Uh Sarge... you may want to start running... now.
[The rest of the team except Sarge starts running backwards towards the base]
Sarge: Ahhhhhh.......Fudgebumbs
Jeep: Aqquire Target..Red.
Grif: Uh Sarge... you may want to start running... now.
[The rest of the team except Sarge starts running backwards towards the base]
Sarge: Ahhhhhh.......Fudgebumbs
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Sarge is pinned to the base wall by the jeep as the jeep's machine gun begins firing closer and closer to his head.]
Sarge: What a way to go. Killed by my own mechanical creations. I'm sure there's a philosophical lesson to be learned from all this.
Simmons: Something about the dangers of technology and the unwavering pride of mankind?
Sarge: No, something about hiring better help that doesn't just stand around watching you die!
Sarge: What a way to go. Killed by my own mechanical creations. I'm sure there's a philosophical lesson to be learned from all this.
Simmons: Something about the dangers of technology and the unwavering pride of mankind?
Sarge: No, something about hiring better help that doesn't just stand around watching you die!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: Ow! There goes my last kidney! I was saving that for a special occasion.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Caboose sees Reds approaching behind Tucker and Church]
Caboose: Uh… Church? I think that you should know that the Reds are—
Church[interrupting]: Dammit, Caboose! In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for once, if you'd shut your fuckin' mouth!
Simmons: Hey Blues, we're here to -- what the hell are you guys doing?
Caboose: Uh… Church? I think that you should know that the Reds are—
Church[interrupting]: Dammit, Caboose! In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for once, if you'd shut your fuckin' mouth!
Simmons: Hey Blues, we're here to -- what the hell are you guys doing?
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[As Doc approaches the Blue base, apparently part of a Red plan]
Caboose: I knew it. We're all gonna die. (points sniper rifle at Tucker's head) Starting with you.
Caboose: I knew it. We're all gonna die. (points sniper rifle at Tucker's head) Starting with you.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Tucker has punched Church to ensure that he was not dreaming]
Church: Tucker, when you think you're dreaming, you don't punch somebody else. You get somebody else to pinch you.
Tucker: Dude, it doesn't matter what kind of dream I'm having, I am not going to ask you to pinch me.
Church: Tucker, when you think you're dreaming, you don't punch somebody else. You get somebody else to pinch you.
Tucker: Dude, it doesn't matter what kind of dream I'm having, I am not going to ask you to pinch me.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church [after Tucker throws a grenade through the teleporter]: Cough, cough, who threw that?
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Caboose: Hurry, hurry, hurry, fix the tank! So that I can say hello to Shiela...and start killing everyone!
Tucker: You mean all the Reds?
Caboose: Of course...for starters!
Tucker: You mean all the Reds?
Caboose: Of course...for starters!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sheila: Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank.
Caboose: Sheila! You're fixed! You're fixed!
Sheila: Hello Private Caboose. It is good to see you again. Thank you for repairing me.
Tucker: He didn't fix you, a robot did it.
Caboose: Don't cock-block me!
Caboose: Sheila! You're fixed! You're fixed!
Sheila: Hello Private Caboose. It is good to see you again. Thank you for repairing me.
Tucker: He didn't fix you, a robot did it.
Caboose: Don't cock-block me!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Lopez: No! Heauegerkergerk!
Tucker: Hey Church, you okay in there? Church. Do I need to flip your switch? [Church reappears in the back round as in his ghost form]
Church: What the?! That wasn't me! What the hell is going on here?! [Lopez turns towards the Blues]
Tex: Well, buenos días cock bites. Guess who's back?
Tucker: Hey Church, you okay in there? Church. Do I need to flip your switch? [Church reappears in the back round as in his ghost form]
Church: What the?! That wasn't me! What the hell is going on here?! [Lopez turns towards the Blues]
Tex: Well, buenos días cock bites. Guess who's back?
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: [Ghost Version] Get out of my body, Right NOW Tex!
Tex: [Inside Lopez's Body] This isn't your body. I stole it!
Church: Yeah, but I stole it first!
Sheila: I am confused. I thought your name was Lopez. And I thought you were a man. This is all so strange. I feel like my circuits are crossed. And I like it.
Tex: [Inside Lopez's Body] This isn't your body. I stole it!
Church: Yeah, but I stole it first!
Sheila: I am confused. I thought your name was Lopez. And I thought you were a man. This is all so strange. I feel like my circuits are crossed. And I like it.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Tucker, there's a very fine line between not listening, and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tex: Well, ever since I've been a ghost, I've been watching you guys A LOT.
Tucker: Whoa, when you say you've been watching us, does that mean you've been watching us all the time. [Tucker faces a rock what says on the back of it "KEEP OUT! TUCKER'S ROCK!"] Like even when we're alone?
Tex: Yes Tucker. And you should be VERY ashamed of yourself.
Tucker: [Tucker faces the ground] It's very lonely out here.
Tucker: Whoa, when you say you've been watching us, does that mean you've been watching us all the time. [Tucker faces a rock what says on the back of it "KEEP OUT! TUCKER'S ROCK!"] Like even when we're alone?
Tex: Yes Tucker. And you should be VERY ashamed of yourself.
Tucker: [Tucker faces the ground] It's very lonely out here.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tucker: Well Tex, that was a great story. I especially like the part where Church got pants'd in High School.
Church: I found that part entirely out of context.
Tucker: But I still don't get how we're suppose to stop the AI.
Tex: I don't remember much from the implantation process. I do remember that can be transmitted from host to host by the helmet radios. Before I learned anything else, the AI took over and we escaped. If we can kill the AI and not give it a place to jump, we'll beat it.
Church: And then I can get my body back. Deal?
Tex: Deal.
Church: Alright, Tex and I will posses Caboose now. Tucker, we need you to work on the reds. Get them to turn off their helmet radios so Omally won't have anywhere to go, once we get him out of there.
Tex: Right.
Tucker: What?! How the hell am I going to do that?!
Church: I don't know. Come up with a plan.
Tucker: Come on. You know how I feel about plans.
Tex: You're not going to have much time when we get in there, so move fast.
Tucker: Oh, I see. You have no idea of what I should do, or how I should do it, but what ever I do, I should do it fast?
Church: Yeah, that's right.
Tex: Yep.
Tucker: Wow. You guys are a lot of help.
Church: I found that part entirely out of context.
Tucker: But I still don't get how we're suppose to stop the AI.
Tex: I don't remember much from the implantation process. I do remember that can be transmitted from host to host by the helmet radios. Before I learned anything else, the AI took over and we escaped. If we can kill the AI and not give it a place to jump, we'll beat it.
Church: And then I can get my body back. Deal?
Tex: Deal.
Church: Alright, Tex and I will posses Caboose now. Tucker, we need you to work on the reds. Get them to turn off their helmet radios so Omally won't have anywhere to go, once we get him out of there.
Tex: Right.
Tucker: What?! How the hell am I going to do that?!
Church: I don't know. Come up with a plan.
Tucker: Come on. You know how I feel about plans.
Tex: You're not going to have much time when we get in there, so move fast.
Tucker: Oh, I see. You have no idea of what I should do, or how I should do it, but what ever I do, I should do it fast?
Church: Yeah, that's right.
Tex: Yep.
Tucker: Wow. You guys are a lot of help.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Hey Tucker, is that you?
Caboose's mental image of Tucker: No. What, are you stupid? Oh wait, yes, I am me. I guess I'm stupid.
Caboose's mental image of Tucker: No. What, are you stupid? Oh wait, yes, I am me. I guess I'm stupid.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Caboose's mental image of himself: I see. So you're from the outside. That's where the other is from as well.
Church: The other? Wait, you mean O'Malley? Have you seen him?
Caboose's mental image of Church: Of course he's seen him, you idiot! You think Mr. Caboose would miss something like that, you sleazy douchebag fuck?!
Church: Hold on a second. Who the hell are you?
Caboose's mental image of Church: My name is Church, butt-wiping ass-munch!
Church: [To Tex] This guy's kind of an asshole.
Tex: Yeah, we've met.
Caboose's mental image of Church: And I'm Caboose's best friend, so don't get any ideas about kissing up, you lip-lipping fuck-suck!
Church: Okay, there's a lot of stuff in that sentence I didn't like.
Tex: Just play along, Church. We're gonna need this guys if we're gonna find O'Malley.
Caboose's mental image of Tucker: I'm gonna go look for girls.
Church: The other? Wait, you mean O'Malley? Have you seen him?
Caboose's mental image of Church: Of course he's seen him, you idiot! You think Mr. Caboose would miss something like that, you sleazy douchebag fuck?!
Church: Hold on a second. Who the hell are you?
Caboose's mental image of Church: My name is Church, butt-wiping ass-munch!
Church: [To Tex] This guy's kind of an asshole.
Tex: Yeah, we've met.
Caboose's mental image of Church: And I'm Caboose's best friend, so don't get any ideas about kissing up, you lip-lipping fuck-suck!
Church: Okay, there's a lot of stuff in that sentence I didn't like.
Tex: Just play along, Church. We're gonna need this guys if we're gonna find O'Malley.
Caboose's mental image of Tucker: I'm gonna go look for girls.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Donut, retraces his steps]
Donut: Right. I know it was Tuesday, because that's the day I washed my underwear. And since I don't like to let my armor touch my bare skin, on the account of I chafe really easily, I remember thinkin', [turns towards the Warthog] "Where can I hang out with no pants on?"
Grif: [horrified] Oh God.
Donut: Right. I know it was Tuesday, because that's the day I washed my underwear. And since I don't like to let my armor touch my bare skin, on the account of I chafe really easily, I remember thinkin', [turns towards the Warthog] "Where can I hang out with no pants on?"
Grif: [horrified] Oh God.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: I can not take any more of this.
Donut: So after I clipped my toenails, I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended, but I don't know. It just smelled really funny. So, I decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe.
Grif: That's it. I'm committing suicide. [Walks away]
Donut: Hey! I didn't finish retracing my steps yet. You don't even know what I did about the boil on my thigh.
Donut: So after I clipped my toenails, I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended, but I don't know. It just smelled really funny. So, I decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe.
Grif: That's it. I'm committing suicide. [Walks away]
Donut: Hey! I didn't finish retracing my steps yet. You don't even know what I did about the boil on my thigh.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Tucker is riding in Sheila, trying to get her to stop]
Tucker: Oh my God. I can't believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not. Sheila, how the fuck do I slow you down?
Sheila: Retard, the throttle.
Tucker: What throttle? This throttle?
Sheila: Retard, the controller.
Tucker: You mean this thing? What are you talking about? I'm so confused.
Sheila: The controller, retard.
Tucker: Hey, that's kind of insulting.
Sheila: Retard. Retard. Retard.
Tucker: Oh, come on, now you're just being mean.
Sheila: Retard. Retard. Retard. Retard. [short pause]Retard.
Tucker: Oh my God. I can't believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not. Sheila, how the fuck do I slow you down?
Sheila: Retard, the throttle.
Tucker: What throttle? This throttle?
Sheila: Retard, the controller.
Tucker: You mean this thing? What are you talking about? I'm so confused.
Sheila: The controller, retard.
Tucker: Hey, that's kind of insulting.
Sheila: Retard. Retard. Retard.
Tucker: Oh, come on, now you're just being mean.
Sheila: Retard. Retard. Retard. Retard. [short pause]Retard.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Inside Caboose's mind, Church talks to Caboose's mental image of Church, Leonard]
Church: You're not Caboose's best friend, okay? You don't have a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience! Live the dream, buddy!
[confronting O'Malley]
Church: Alright, O'Malley, this is it. From now on, if anybody makes my girlfriend cranky and psychotic; it's gonna be me.
Tex: Aww, that's sweet.
Church: Shut up, Bitch.
Tex: Asshole.
Church: You're not Caboose's best friend, okay? You don't have a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience! Live the dream, buddy!
[confronting O'Malley]
Church: Alright, O'Malley, this is it. From now on, if anybody makes my girlfriend cranky and psychotic; it's gonna be me.
Tex: Aww, that's sweet.
Church: Shut up, Bitch.
Tex: Asshole.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Doc has just woken up in Blood Gulch; Vic is heard over the intercom]
Vic: Hello, dude? Come in. Doctor-Dude, are you there? Hello? Paging Doctor-Dude, to the radio, STAT. I need 20 ccs of 'what the hell's going on there', dude.
Doc: Ugh...what happened?
Vic: Hey, you tell me dude. One minute we're talking about a hole in the wall; the next thing I know, you turn into Grumps McGurt. Sounded like you needed a lozenge. Threatened to eat my children...not very cool, dude.
Doc: Jeez, did I really? I'm sorry. Something went wrong with my radio and I heard this weird beeping, honking-
Vic: Hey, no offense taken, dude. Don't got any kids anyway.
Doc: What?
Vic: 'Ol Vic's been through the snip-n'-stitch, if you know what I mean.
Doc: I don't wanna hear about that-
Vic: Winky-Blinky the One-Eyed Sergeant's firin' blanks-
Doc: That's weird-
Vic: -if ya get me. It's vayo con dios to the vas deferens.
Doc: Yeah, alright. Enough. I get you.
Vic: I mean a vasectomy, dude.
Vic: Hello, dude? Come in. Doctor-Dude, are you there? Hello? Paging Doctor-Dude, to the radio, STAT. I need 20 ccs of 'what the hell's going on there', dude.
Doc: Ugh...what happened?
Vic: Hey, you tell me dude. One minute we're talking about a hole in the wall; the next thing I know, you turn into Grumps McGurt. Sounded like you needed a lozenge. Threatened to eat my children...not very cool, dude.
Doc: Jeez, did I really? I'm sorry. Something went wrong with my radio and I heard this weird beeping, honking-
Vic: Hey, no offense taken, dude. Don't got any kids anyway.
Doc: What?
Vic: 'Ol Vic's been through the snip-n'-stitch, if you know what I mean.
Doc: I don't wanna hear about that-
Vic: Winky-Blinky the One-Eyed Sergeant's firin' blanks-
Doc: That's weird-
Vic: -if ya get me. It's vayo con dios to the vas deferens.
Doc: Yeah, alright. Enough. I get you.
Vic: I mean a vasectomy, dude.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Grif learns most of his body parts have been replaced by leftovers]
Grif: [to Sarge] Where did you get the leftovers?
Sarge: Why, from our other subject, of course!
Simmons: Subject my cyborg ass.
Grif: NO WAY.
Simmons: Yeah, I'm real happy about this myself, numb-nuts.
Sarge: Yeap, those too
Grif: Did I get your lips? Because then maybe I'll figure out how to kiss Sarge's ass.
Grif: [to Sarge] Where did you get the leftovers?
Sarge: Why, from our other subject, of course!
Simmons: Subject my cyborg ass.
Grif: NO WAY.
Simmons: Yeah, I'm real happy about this myself, numb-nuts.
Sarge: Yeap, those too
Grif: Did I get your lips? Because then maybe I'll figure out how to kiss Sarge's ass.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Doc is trying to explain what he's found to Vic]
Doc: I'm just a little dazed. It's a big thing. It- it's purple, it's uh, it's a big purple thing.
Vic: Use your words, dude.
Doc: I'm just a little dazed. It's a big thing. It- it's purple, it's uh, it's a big purple thing.
Vic: Use your words, dude.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: This doesn't seem physically possible!
Sarge: Nonsense. Modern-day technology makes anything possible! It was as easy as Shake-'N-Bake!
Donut: And I helped!
Sarge: ...actually Donut, I don't really know if snickering in the corner all night like a prepubescent monkey actually qualifies as help...but it sure was entertaining.
Sarge: Nonsense. Modern-day technology makes anything possible! It was as easy as Shake-'N-Bake!
Donut: And I helped!
Sarge: ...actually Donut, I don't really know if snickering in the corner all night like a prepubescent monkey actually qualifies as help...but it sure was entertaining.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue