Red vs. Blue Quotes

Grif: Well I can see why we don't have lots of meetings. The only person who doesn't know is Donut. He's not even here.
Sarge: That's because I asked Donut to distract the Blues so we could have this secret meeting!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Donut: And that's how I saved Christmas.
Caboose: I did not even know the North Pole was in San Francisco. This changes everything!
Tucker: Yeah and I don't think Santa's outfit is a leather biker's outfit.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church (to Tucker): What's your first name?
Tucker: Lavernius.
Church: Lavernius? Well then, who is this Andy g… wait a second… Are you black?
Tucker: Me?
Church: Yeah.
Tucker: Does it matter?
Church: No, just curious.
Tucker: Well, if it doesn't matter, why are you curious?
Church: I dunno; I guess it's just something I should have picked up on after all this time.
Tucker: You know what else you should have picked up on? My fucking first name!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Caboose: Say something Andy, you are embarrassing me in front of my friends.
Tex: Caboose I think you're losing it.
Tucker: Also I wouldn't really call us friends more like acquaintances or people who work with other people they hate.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Andy's the bomb?
Caboose: Uh... Andy prefers the term "Explosive American"

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Caboose tries to calm Andy down]
Caboose: Ah uh... Think calming thoughts, uh... Let's count backwards from ten! Ten, nine, eight—
Tex and Tucker: No!
Church: [at the same time] Duck!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Simmons: You may be the dumbest person I've ever met.
Grif: And I think you're just covering your ass.
Donut: Hey, Sarge...
Simmons: What?! I'm not covering my ass! You're the one covering yours!
Grif: No way.
Sarge: Stop arguing you two! Simmons isn't covering his ass and Grif certainly isn't covering his. No one's ass is being covered. Got it? Donut, what do you want?
Donut: Uh.... Is that a trick question?

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Caboose: You are in a cool river, where noone disturbs you, or calls you names. Like "Bomby." Or, "The Exploding Jerk." There are sheep nearby, the kind that don't blow up, you are happy. But not overly happy... Regular happy.
Tex: Breathe in through your nose (takes a breath, and exhales through her mouth) and out through the mouth. Again, in through the nose (takes a breath), and out through the mouth.
Church: Uh, maybe I'll get some candles, would you like some candles, or some incense? How 'bout that?
Gary: Hey, Andy, knock knock.
Andy: Who's there.
Gary: Inner peace and serenity.
Andy: I already heard that one.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[O'Malley is annoyed at the slow speed of the robots]
O'Malley: This isn't what I asked for.
Lopez: Dices des qué quieras esta día de victoria.
Caption: You said you wanted a day of victory.
Lopez: A este velocidad, va pasar veinticuatro horas para ganar.
Caption: At this speed, they will win in exactly 24 hours.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Andy: Sounds like you're patronizing me.
Tex: No, it's me. I'm a bitch.
Church: Heh, keep talking.
Tex: And I need to stay calm all of the time.
Church: Or what happens?
Tex: Or... else I get so mad, I start to kill people on my own team.
Church: I see your point.
Caboose: Oooh, tell him about the moodiness, and the crankiness.
Tucker: Also, mention how you like to punch people in the head while they're sleeping!
Caboose: That was you?! I thought the tooth fairy was mad at me!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: Grif, don't interrupt me when I'm leading in a battle situation!
Grif: ... We're in battle?
Sarge: Course we are! Now get ready for your orders. Donut!
Donut: Yes sir!
Sarge: Scream like a woman!
Donut: Caaaaan do. AHHHHHHHHH!
[Donut continues to scream in background while running around]
Sarge: Grif!
Grif: What?
Sarge: Prepare to sacrifice yourself to save a nearby superior officer.
Grif: I don't think I've been trained on that.
Sarge: Simmons, kiss ass at will.
Simmons: You're both an excellent leader and a handsome man, sir!
Sarge: Excellent work Simmons! Incoming!
[Both Grif and Sarge duck to avoid a rocket]
Sarge: Grif, you're up.
Grif: Permission to assist Donut sir!
Sarge: Permission denied. Continue with operation Meatshield. Remember, just cause your bones are broken doesn't mean it won't stop bullets from hitting me. Now get out there!
Simmons: Good call sir!
Sarge: You're on your way to a medal Simmons. In fact, medals all the way around! Purple heart for Grif, pink heart for Donut, and a brown nose for Simmons.
Donut: I'm too young to die! I'm too pretty to die! I haven't even seen Paris yet...

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tex: Mmm… why don't you just give me your sword?
Tucker: No way, I can see right through your little ploy. You just want me to give you the sword.
Tex: That's what I just said.
Tucker: Yeah, but it's the way you said it.
Tex: You know, it's a good thing that that sword doesn't run on brainpower. Oh my God! Tucker, look! Hot chicks!
Tucker: Nice try, you just want me to turn around so you can knock me out and take the sword.
Tex: Now the hot girls are makin' out!
Tucker: Okay, that's worth the risk. [turns around] Aw, crap!
[Tex knocks him out]

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Whoa, Tucker, are you okay?
Tucker: [groans] Damn. Okay, new rule. We start rotating knockouts. Next time, it's your turn.
Church: Hey, good idea. And next time Caboose decides he wants to go around team killing, you can take that one.
Tucker: Maybe we should all stick to what we know best.
Church: Hey, where's your weapon?
Tucker: You think she knocked me out for fun? This isn't Tuesday, dude. She took it.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Gary: The great destroyer has arrived. The end is near.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: You stole that thing all by yourself?
Donut: Yep. And then I ran over the guy that was chasing us. And a few other innocent pedestrians.
Sarge: I'm so proud of you.
Donut: Yeah, stealing and killing are a huge rush. I wish I'd started at a much younger age. I've caught the fever!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Simmons: Shotgun!
Grif: Shotgu- Fuck...
Donut: Shotgun's Lap!
Simmons: FUCK!!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: We're moving too slow! we'll have to leave someone behind...
Grif: Not it!
Simmons: Not it.
Donut: What? No way! You're leaving me behind?!
Sarge: Sorry Donut, but the military laws are very clear in regards on the 'not it' methodology for making decisions.
Donut: Awww man! There's just so much about the army that I don't understand!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Simmons: Okay, the source of the distress signal should be right outside this - crap!
Grif: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Zoom out to reveal that they are back at Blood Gulch]
Grif: This sucks.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Gary: THE GREAT DESTROYER HAS ARRIVED! THE END IS NEAR! (Repeats)
Church: Oh come on gary gary gary stop stop stop stop stop,. If Tex isn't the great destroyer from the prophecy then who is? (Gary stops) Gary?
Gary: KNOCK KNOCK.
(An alien is sneaking up behind Church)
Church: Who's there?

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: What, the fuck, was that?
Caboose: Hey, Church!
Tucker: Hey.
Tex: Huh?
Church: Isn't anybody gonna ask me, "What happened to your body, Church?"
Tex and Tucker: [in unison, feigning interest] What happened to your body, Church?
Caboose[as Tex and Tucker are finishing]: What happened to some... body... Church?
Church: I don't know I was sitting there talking to gary and...
Tex(interupts him): The bomb?
Church: No that's Andy... Gary is the computer.
Tex: Eh, I barely remember your names half the time!
Caboose: I know my name! You can ask me if you forget!
Church: Hey, can we please focus on me?
Caboose: By the way, he's Church.
Church: Yes. Thank you Caboose. She knows.
Caboose: He is the mean one.
Church: Thank you Caboose!
Caboose: See? He is mad. Now he will stare at me until I stop talking. Then, when he thinks I am done talking, then he will start talking again.
Church: (long pause) OK, I was talking to Gar-
Caboose: (cuts him off) Told you so.
Church: GOD DAMN IT!
Caboose: Classic Church.
Tucker: I wonder if a ghost can have an aneurysm?

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Anyways I was sitting there talking to Gary about the great destroyer at the time we thought was Tex.
Gary(in the story): The great destroyer has arrived, the end is near. The great destroyer has arrived, the end is near.
Church(in the story): Oh come on gary gary gary stop stop stop stop stop, hey if Tex isn't the destroyer for the prophecy then who is?
Church: And that's when I turned around and i saw...
Caboose: Saw what? Saw O'Malley?
Church: What the... Caboose get out of the story man, no it wasn't O'Malley-
Caboose(interrupting): What was it?!
Church: Stop interrupting me and I'll tell you.
Caboose(interupting again): A helicopter?
Tucker: Yeah Caboose shut up.
Church: Yeah Tucker you're interrupting too, just get out of the story!
Tucker: Me? I'm just here to spice things up! Check this out.
[Tucker mimics Tex]
Tucker as Tex: Hi everybody, I'm super horny from all the robot killing. Hey, is it hot in here? Who wants to help me out of this heavy armor? This breastplate is so itchy.
Tucker: Bow chicka bow-
[Tex points her gun at Tucker's head and cocks it back]
Tucker: -whoa, ok, story's over!
Tex: You're a pig.
Tucker: I didn't even get to the part where the sailors show up.
Tex: Just tell us, what did you see?
Church: Well...It was a really big...thing.
Tex: That's your story? You saw a big thing...
Tucker: , Ah, my story had a big thing in it too. You just didn't give it time to develop.
Church: Well, I really didn't get a clear look at it.
Caboose: At Tucker's big thing?

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tucker: Ha Ha Ha! Some slimy toothed monster scared the crap outta Church!
Tex: It didn't scare the crap out of him, it scared the SOUL out of him.
Tucker: Oh, it's Chruch. What's the difference? His soul is made out of crap! (to Church) Stupid crap for soul...
Church: For all I know, he's in there chewin' on my body right now.
Tex: Well, then let's go get this big thing of yours!
Tucker: Bow Chicka Bow Wow!
Tex: Oh, shut up!
Church: Shut up, Tucker.
Tucker: Somebody call for a really hairy plumber? Bow Chicka Bow Wow!
Church: Tucker! Shut up!
Tucker: I came here to lay some pipe. (quickly) Bow Chicka Bow Wow!
Church: Tucker!
Tucker: So I hear you got sisters, Bow Chicka- who are twins, Bow Wow!
Church: Shut up.
Tucker: Hey, are you a model or famous actress? Bow Chicka Bow Wow!
Church: Shut up!
Tucker: Bow chickachicka bow wow chickachicka bow wow etc.
Church: (while Tucker is saying last) Shut up. Shut up. Shut UP!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: Donut, you're going out of turn.
Donut: I thought I went after Simmons.
Sarge: No, we go in line. It goes you, then me, then Simmons, then back down to me, then you, then me, then me, then Simmons, then me, then me, then Simmons, me... me, Simmons, you, Simmons, me, me, me, Simmons, you... me, then me again. It makes perfect sense!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Simmons: But doesn't that mean you go twice as much... or ten times as much?
Sarge: [Fires sniper rifle at Grif] This is the best game since Grifball.
Grif: I'm not coming down!
Sarge: Hey Grif, move back and forth like one of those ducks at the carnival! [Takes another shot at Grif, who ducks] No, don't duck, that makes you harder to hit. Act like a duck!
Simmons: Wait a minute, that was my turn!
Sarge: This is the lightning round!
Simmons: Who's in the lightning rou-
Sarge: Me
Grif: alright, fuck this i'm coming down. (sarge shoots him at him again) OW!! I SAID I'M COMING DOWN!!!
Sarge: ha-ha,BUZZER-BEATER, take that you stupid duck.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Hey Andy.... ANDY!
Andy: Hey, look who's back: The Dickhead!
Church: Hey, up yours.
Andy: You back for another beating? It must be Ass-Kick o'clock!
Church: Where's that big alien thing?
Andy: I dunno. Last time I saw him he was half-way up your ass!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tex: Alright, screw it. You guys get behind me, and stay tight.
Tucker: [very quickly] Bow Chicka Bow Wow.
Tex: Never mind, Tucker's in front.
Tucker: Eh, it was worth it.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Hey, why didn't you bring that glowing thing?
Tucker: No way! I'd rather have a gun.
Church: But I've got a gun.
Tucker: What are you gonna do? Shoot him with ghost bullets?
Church: Okay, yeah. I guess that's a good point.
Tucker: "Hi, I'm Casper, the friendly bullet!"

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tucker: There it is!
Church: Jesus RUN!! (All three of them keep shooting their guns at the wall while they run away)
Tex: Crap!
Tucker: Oh my GOD OH MY GOD! I'M GOING TO DIE! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?!
Church: RUN!
Tucker: Women and children last. (They run past Caboose)
Caboose: Did we win?
Tucker: Yeah Caboose we won! This is our victory lap!

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[The Reds discuss the sighting of the Tank]
Sarge: (sarcastically) Sure, Simmons, I believe you. You saw an enormous tank that appeared miraculously, and then just as quickly disappeared. And you're the only one that can see it. Just like signs of Donut's heterosexuality!
Simmons: No I'm not! Donut saw it! We all did!
Donut: Yeah!
Sarge: Donut's impressionable. He'd agree with anything you said.
Donut: Yeah!
Sarge: Aw hell, he'd eat a spoonful of dirt if you told him it tasted like chocolate!
Donut: *gasp!* That's not true!
Sarge: Heh heh, so that's where you draw the line?
Donut: No, I mean, it's not true that dirt tastes like chocolate. Right? Ri...Right?

TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[The Blues discuss sending in Caboose to talk with the Alien]
Church: Well, think about it. While our Ambassador here is either being a) eaten by the alien, or b) digested by the alien, you and I can sneak back in and get our bodies.
Caboose: I would make an excellent Ambidasdor, because I am very shy!
Tucker: Get away from me freak!
Church: You know, if that word's too hard to pronounce, you can just call yourself bait.

TV Show: Red vs. Blue