Red vs. Blue Quotes
Simmons: Then again, I don't miss Church.
Tucker: Yeah, Christmas is the one time of year you should never miss Church.
Church: Ah, forget it douchebags. You'll all still getting lumps of smoal.
Tucker: Ah, crap.
Tucker: Yeah, Christmas is the one time of year you should never miss Church.
Church: Ah, forget it douchebags. You'll all still getting lumps of smoal.
Tucker: Ah, crap.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: Simmons, have you seen Grif?
Simmons: No sir, not recently.
Sarge: Son of a -! He was gonna wash the Warthog before I went on mah trip!
Simmons: I don't know what to tell you, Sir.
Grif: (In a suitcase) Yes! This is the perfect plan!
Sarge: Ah well... Did you finish packin' for me?
Simmons: Yup. Got your suitcase right here Sir.
Grif: D'oh!
Sarge: Great. Then I guess I'm all set to attend the annual suitcase demolishing conference.
Grif: The what? That doesn't even sound real!
Simmons: Have fun Sir.
Sarge: Where're you going Simmons?
Simmons: To an XBox 360 launch party.
Sarge: XBox 360? How did I miss versions two through three hundred fifty nine? I need to pay better attention.
Simmons: Technology moves pretty fast Sir.
Sarge: Come on, Grif- I mean suitcase. Heh heh heh.
Simmons: No sir, not recently.
Sarge: Son of a -! He was gonna wash the Warthog before I went on mah trip!
Simmons: I don't know what to tell you, Sir.
Grif: (In a suitcase) Yes! This is the perfect plan!
Sarge: Ah well... Did you finish packin' for me?
Simmons: Yup. Got your suitcase right here Sir.
Grif: D'oh!
Sarge: Great. Then I guess I'm all set to attend the annual suitcase demolishing conference.
Grif: The what? That doesn't even sound real!
Simmons: Have fun Sir.
Sarge: Where're you going Simmons?
Simmons: To an XBox 360 launch party.
Sarge: XBox 360? How did I miss versions two through three hundred fifty nine? I need to pay better attention.
Simmons: Technology moves pretty fast Sir.
Sarge: Come on, Grif- I mean suitcase. Heh heh heh.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: (wearing his white "ghost" armor, next to Caboose) Hi, everybody. I'm Private Church from the popular web series, Red vs. Blu- (Donut enters) Hey, Donut! What are you doing, man? You're supposed to be wearing your old red armor so that we can be red, white, and blue. This isn't very patriotic.
Donut: I'm being patriotic...in my own way!
Church: Alright, let's just start alrea-
Caboose: Hello, everyone. I am Private Church from the popular web series, Red vs.-
Church: Caboose, that's my line.
Caboose: You can't prove that!
Church: As you probably know already, this weekend we celebrate July 4th, or as it's known in Mexico, Cinco de Mayo.
Caboose: Many of you may take this oppurtunity to enjoy your weiner.
Donut: I know I will!
Church: But the real reason we celebrate the 4th of July isn't for the food, or the fun, or even the picnics with the nonstop binge drinking.
Donut: What?
Church: There's only one true reason we celebrate the 4th of July: to have a lot of explosives.
Caboose: Yay! It's fireworks day!
Donut: Kick-ass! I've still got 3 fingers left from last year!
Donut: I'm being patriotic...in my own way!
Church: Alright, let's just start alrea-
Caboose: Hello, everyone. I am Private Church from the popular web series, Red vs.-
Church: Caboose, that's my line.
Caboose: You can't prove that!
Church: As you probably know already, this weekend we celebrate July 4th, or as it's known in Mexico, Cinco de Mayo.
Caboose: Many of you may take this oppurtunity to enjoy your weiner.
Donut: I know I will!
Church: But the real reason we celebrate the 4th of July isn't for the food, or the fun, or even the picnics with the nonstop binge drinking.
Donut: What?
Church: There's only one true reason we celebrate the 4th of July: to have a lot of explosives.
Caboose: Yay! It's fireworks day!
Donut: Kick-ass! I've still got 3 fingers left from last year!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Caboose: (holding grenade) Hello, Donut. Check out this awesome sparkler! It is even more fun because we are playing with it inside!
Donut: Hey, that's not a sparkler, that's a grenade!
Caboose: Don't worry. We are completely safe. All of the doors are locked from the outside, so we cannot escape- oh, wait a minute (explodes)
Donut: Hey, that's not a sparkler, that's a grenade!
Caboose: Don't worry. We are completely safe. All of the doors are locked from the outside, so we cannot escape- oh, wait a minute (explodes)
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Donut: (grilling) Hey there, Caboose. How do you like your meat? Well done, or pink and juicy!
Caboose: Yes, I will take that fuzzy glowing hamburger, please.
Donut: Hey! That's not a hamburger, that's a grenade!
Caboose: I know! I switched them when you weren't looking!...Maybe I should not have done that... (explodes)
Caboose: Yes, I will take that fuzzy glowing hamburger, please.
Donut: Hey! That's not a hamburger, that's a grenade!
Caboose: I know! I switched them when you weren't looking!...Maybe I should not have done that... (explodes)
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Donut: Hey Caboose, have you seen my grenade?
Caboose: Yes! I put it in my pants! Wait- (explodes)
Caboose: Yes! I put it in my pants! Wait- (explodes)
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: For this last bit, the part of the bottle rocket will be played by Sheila. Enjoy.
Caboose: Hey Donut, want to see my awesome bottle rocket?
Donut: Totally! Just remember, don't point it directly at me! Okay?
Caboose: Okay, and I promise I won't forget whatever it is that you just said.
(Donut gets blasted by Caboose):
Caboose: I forgoooot!
Church: Okay, aaaand end scene. Well, I hope you've all learned a lot about fireworks, and maybe even a little bit about yourselves. (hissing of grenade)
Caboose: Oopsie.
Donut: Uh-oh.
Caboose: Running time!
Church: Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the most important safety tip. If you have small children around, or even very very stupid adults, never ever let them play with fireworks without proper supervision.... Hey, what's that hissing noise?
(Church explodes):
Church: CABOOSE!!!
Caboose: Simmons did it!
Simmons: What are you talking about? I wasn't even in this video!
Donut: Happy fireworks day everybody!
Caboose: Hey Donut, want to see my awesome bottle rocket?
Donut: Totally! Just remember, don't point it directly at me! Okay?
Caboose: Okay, and I promise I won't forget whatever it is that you just said.
(Donut gets blasted by Caboose):
Caboose: I forgoooot!
Church: Okay, aaaand end scene. Well, I hope you've all learned a lot about fireworks, and maybe even a little bit about yourselves. (hissing of grenade)
Caboose: Oopsie.
Donut: Uh-oh.
Caboose: Running time!
Church: Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the most important safety tip. If you have small children around, or even very very stupid adults, never ever let them play with fireworks without proper supervision.... Hey, what's that hissing noise?
(Church explodes):
Church: CABOOSE!!!
Caboose: Simmons did it!
Simmons: What are you talking about? I wasn't even in this video!
Donut: Happy fireworks day everybody!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: There's nothing wrong with the Olympics that modern science can't fix.
Church: Right, like using aerodynamic computer modeling to develop better ski jumping techniques.
Sarge: No, like replacing the skis with heat-seeking missles and the jumping with exploding.
Church: Well that seems a little extreme. How would you improve curling?
Sarge: Replace the big rocks with grenades.
Church: Figure skating?
Sarge: Landmines.
Church: Downhill skiing?
Sarge: Laser gates.
Church: Speed skating?
Sarge: Everyone gets a bayonet.
Church: Snowboarding?
Sarge: Fewer hippies. And add polar bears. In fact, every event could use more polar bears.
Church: Ok, well, what about the luge?
Sarge: Ahh, allow me to demonstrate. Let's suppose Griff over there is our lugey. Alright Grif, just like we rehearsed it!
Grif: Yeah, I'm going for the gold! (gets hit by rocket) Tell Michelle Kwan I always loved her!
Sarge: (after blowing up luge athlete Grif) I call it, "Rocket Luge". In Europe, it's called the space program.
Church: Right, like using aerodynamic computer modeling to develop better ski jumping techniques.
Sarge: No, like replacing the skis with heat-seeking missles and the jumping with exploding.
Church: Well that seems a little extreme. How would you improve curling?
Sarge: Replace the big rocks with grenades.
Church: Figure skating?
Sarge: Landmines.
Church: Downhill skiing?
Sarge: Laser gates.
Church: Speed skating?
Sarge: Everyone gets a bayonet.
Church: Snowboarding?
Sarge: Fewer hippies. And add polar bears. In fact, every event could use more polar bears.
Church: Ok, well, what about the luge?
Sarge: Ahh, allow me to demonstrate. Let's suppose Griff over there is our lugey. Alright Grif, just like we rehearsed it!
Grif: Yeah, I'm going for the gold! (gets hit by rocket) Tell Michelle Kwan I always loved her!
Sarge: (after blowing up luge athlete Grif) I call it, "Rocket Luge". In Europe, it's called the space program.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: I also think we should give medals out to the losers.
Church: You want to give the symbols of Olympic victory to losers? That doesn't sound very much like you, Sarge. So what would it be? Gold, silver, bronze, and...?
Sarge: Enriched Uranium! The losers will be forced to wear radioactive isotopes, making sure they die the excruciatingly slow and painful death they deserve! I also think if you beat a country in an event, you get to keep it. Or at least burn it down.
Church: Yeah, that's the Olympic spirit.
Church: You want to give the symbols of Olympic victory to losers? That doesn't sound very much like you, Sarge. So what would it be? Gold, silver, bronze, and...?
Sarge: Enriched Uranium! The losers will be forced to wear radioactive isotopes, making sure they die the excruciatingly slow and painful death they deserve! I also think if you beat a country in an event, you get to keep it. Or at least burn it down.
Church: Yeah, that's the Olympic spirit.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Simmons: Gas prices are so high right now that some people are having to cut back on basic necessities just to afford to drive to work.
Church: Not me. I just quit going to work.
Church: Not me. I just quit going to work.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: Everyone knows that gasoline comes from dinosaurs, and if we're running out of gas, the solution isn't to drive less; it's to kill more dinosaurs.
Church: All the dinosaurs are already dead.
Sarge: It doesn't have to be just dinosaurs, moron. Any animal turns into oil when it dies. So remember, if you want to be environmentally friendly, just kill every living thing you see! And bury it.
Simmons: But that process takes millions of years.
Sarge: I've got time.
Grif: (In a grave marked "HERE LIES GRIF" which has been crossed out with spray paint and replaced with the word "unleaded") Let me outta here! There's worms!
Church: All the dinosaurs are already dead.
Sarge: It doesn't have to be just dinosaurs, moron. Any animal turns into oil when it dies. So remember, if you want to be environmentally friendly, just kill every living thing you see! And bury it.
Simmons: But that process takes millions of years.
Sarge: I've got time.
Grif: (In a grave marked "HERE LIES GRIF" which has been crossed out with spray paint and replaced with the word "unleaded") Let me outta here! There's worms!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: Gentlemen, we can debate the fine points all day, but the fact remains that a gallon of gas still costs less today than a gallon of milk.
Church: Yeah, but you don't drink three gallons of milk every time you drive to work.
Sarge: Maybe you don't.
Church: Yeah, but you don't drink three gallons of milk every time you drive to work.
Sarge: Maybe you don't.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Simmons: (Explaining a Turducken) It's a chicken in a duck in a turkey.
Church: You know, because the holiday isn't quite gluttonous enough on its own.
Grif: Sounds awesome, is that what we're having?
Sarge: Nope. Although impressive, I decided they stopped short when designing the turducken.
Church: Yeah. They seem like real underachievers there.
Sarge: So I decided to make my own variety.
Church: What's that, a polecat stuffed in a possum?
Sarge: Nope, first we start with a hummingbird-
Grif: A what?
Sarge: Put that in a sparrow, stuff them both in a cornish hen, then put that in a chicken. Put all that in a duck, then a turkey, then in a bigger turkey.(Picture shows Michael Moore)
Grif: Two turkeys?
Sarge: Hey, it's Thanksgiving. Put that in a penguin, stuff that in a peacock, then an eagle, shove it all in an albatross, then an emu, next comes an ostrich, then a leopard! Put all that in a pterodactyl, and then stuff it in a Boeing 747.
Church: (Short Pause) Cool. I get a wing.
Simmons: I call the turbine.
Sarge: Alright! Hunker up boys, hey Grif! What kinda meat do you like? First class, or coach?
Church: You know if we cook this thing at three hundred and fifty degrees at ten minutes a pound, it's not gonna be done for 11 years.
Sarge: That's why we're going to deep fry. (Oil Tanker Horn) There's the oil now!
Simmons: What was the leopard for?
Sarge: Presentation.
Church: You know, because the holiday isn't quite gluttonous enough on its own.
Grif: Sounds awesome, is that what we're having?
Sarge: Nope. Although impressive, I decided they stopped short when designing the turducken.
Church: Yeah. They seem like real underachievers there.
Sarge: So I decided to make my own variety.
Church: What's that, a polecat stuffed in a possum?
Sarge: Nope, first we start with a hummingbird-
Grif: A what?
Sarge: Put that in a sparrow, stuff them both in a cornish hen, then put that in a chicken. Put all that in a duck, then a turkey, then in a bigger turkey.(Picture shows Michael Moore)
Grif: Two turkeys?
Sarge: Hey, it's Thanksgiving. Put that in a penguin, stuff that in a peacock, then an eagle, shove it all in an albatross, then an emu, next comes an ostrich, then a leopard! Put all that in a pterodactyl, and then stuff it in a Boeing 747.
Church: (Short Pause) Cool. I get a wing.
Simmons: I call the turbine.
Sarge: Alright! Hunker up boys, hey Grif! What kinda meat do you like? First class, or coach?
Church: You know if we cook this thing at three hundred and fifty degrees at ten minutes a pound, it's not gonna be done for 11 years.
Sarge: That's why we're going to deep fry. (Oil Tanker Horn) There's the oil now!
Simmons: What was the leopard for?
Sarge: Presentation.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: Hi everyone, I'm Private Dexter Grif from the popular web-series, Red vs. Blue.
Simmons: And as always, I'm Private Dick Simmons.
Grif: As many of you are no doubt aware, this flu season has been particularly harsh, even here in Blood Gulch.
Simmons: During the winter months, disease can spread like a virus, and as we all know, a virus can carry disease.
Simmons: And as always, I'm Private Dick Simmons.
Grif: As many of you are no doubt aware, this flu season has been particularly harsh, even here in Blood Gulch.
Simmons: During the winter months, disease can spread like a virus, and as we all know, a virus can carry disease.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Doc: Trust me, I'm a doctor!
Simmons: No You're not! You just play one on the internet!
Simmons: No You're not! You just play one on the internet!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Caboose: I had all of those things, I was very sick.
Simmons: No you didn't Caboose.
Grif: No, it's true. Caboose got Asian Bird Flu.
Simmons: What?! How is that possible? Doesn't Asian Bird Flu only infect birds?
Grif: Somehow, he found a way.
Caboose: I am feeling much better now, and, I can fly. *Jumps off the cliff* (shouting) I am flying! *thump* Ow! The sky is very hard.
Simmons: No you didn't Caboose.
Grif: No, it's true. Caboose got Asian Bird Flu.
Simmons: What?! How is that possible? Doesn't Asian Bird Flu only infect birds?
Grif: Somehow, he found a way.
Caboose: I am feeling much better now, and, I can fly. *Jumps off the cliff* (shouting) I am flying! *thump* Ow! The sky is very hard.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: Hey Doc, nobody likes you.
Doc: What? What are you talking about, everybody likes me!
Grif: Everybody hates you. You don't fit in.
Doc: Oh? I think I fit in just fine.
Grif: Really.
Doc: Yes.
Grif: Okay, let me ask you this, Doc. What's your zombie plan?
Doc: My what?
Grif: There's two kinds of people in the world, Doc. Those who have a plan prepared for when the zombies take over the Earth, and those who don't. We call those last people dinner.
Doc: Nobody does that!
Grif: In my zombie plan, I'm going to Alaska, because zombies have no body heat. They'll freeze like corpse-sicles! It's brilliant!
Doc: Nobody else thinks about stuff like that!
Grif: Hey Simmons!
Simmons: What?
Grif: What's your zombie plan?
Simmons: I have two weeks worth of food stored in my attic. I climb up and pull up the ladder with me.
Doc: What?!
Grif: What happens at the ends of the two weeks?
Simmons: Oh, I'm keeping that to myself! I don't want to risk you turning into a zombie and knowing what I'm up to!
Doc: Oh, come on!
Simmons: You still doin Alaska?
Grif: You know it!
Simmons: You'll never make it Grif, the major freeways will be choked with stalled cars and people trying to flee the major population centers! Its going to be nothing but a tasty flesh bottleneck!
Grif I'm just going to have to take that risk!
Simmons: Good luck to you Grif!
Grif: Good luck to you too Simmons!
Doc: Are you guys brain-damaged?
Sarge: Hey you knuckleheads, what's all the yammering about?
Doc: What? What are you talking about, everybody likes me!
Grif: Everybody hates you. You don't fit in.
Doc: Oh? I think I fit in just fine.
Grif: Really.
Doc: Yes.
Grif: Okay, let me ask you this, Doc. What's your zombie plan?
Doc: My what?
Grif: There's two kinds of people in the world, Doc. Those who have a plan prepared for when the zombies take over the Earth, and those who don't. We call those last people dinner.
Doc: Nobody does that!
Grif: In my zombie plan, I'm going to Alaska, because zombies have no body heat. They'll freeze like corpse-sicles! It's brilliant!
Doc: Nobody else thinks about stuff like that!
Grif: Hey Simmons!
Simmons: What?
Grif: What's your zombie plan?
Simmons: I have two weeks worth of food stored in my attic. I climb up and pull up the ladder with me.
Doc: What?!
Grif: What happens at the ends of the two weeks?
Simmons: Oh, I'm keeping that to myself! I don't want to risk you turning into a zombie and knowing what I'm up to!
Doc: Oh, come on!
Simmons: You still doin Alaska?
Grif: You know it!
Simmons: You'll never make it Grif, the major freeways will be choked with stalled cars and people trying to flee the major population centers! Its going to be nothing but a tasty flesh bottleneck!
Grif I'm just going to have to take that risk!
Simmons: Good luck to you Grif!
Grif: Good luck to you too Simmons!
Doc: Are you guys brain-damaged?
Sarge: Hey you knuckleheads, what's all the yammering about?
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: Wait, Grif! I need your delicious meat for most of my plans! Hey there Doc, you a, don't wanna give me a hand with somethin do ya?
Doc: No.
Sarge: Where's your moistious meat?
Doc: No.
Sarge: Where's your moistious meat?
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tucker: Hey Church, how long do we keep this up?
Church: When they all go into hiding, grab their flag and run.
Caboose: [speaking like a zombie] Briiiian. I want Briiiiiian!
Tucker: Caboose, it's brains, not Brian!
Caboose: Oops, sorry. I must have read the script wrong. Moaning. Moaning!
Tex: Shut up you guys! They're gonna hear us!
Tucker: Hey Tex, I bet it's been a while since you had some fresh meat!
Tex: Up yours.
Tucker: Bow-chicka-bow-ugh [groans like a zombie]
Church: When they all go into hiding, grab their flag and run.
Caboose: [speaking like a zombie] Briiiian. I want Briiiiiian!
Tucker: Caboose, it's brains, not Brian!
Caboose: Oops, sorry. I must have read the script wrong. Moaning. Moaning!
Tex: Shut up you guys! They're gonna hear us!
Tucker: Hey Tex, I bet it's been a while since you had some fresh meat!
Tex: Up yours.
Tucker: Bow-chicka-bow-ugh [groans like a zombie]
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: Hey everyone! You know, it's this time of year our thoughts turn to our family and our friends.
Simmons: That's why we here at Red Versus Blue want to wish every one of you a very merry Chris-
Doc: Hold it right there, guys!
Grif: Doc, stop interrupting our holiday message.
Doc: Uh, yeah. Listen guys, you should really know the holidays can be one of the most offensive times of the year.
Simmons: Offensive? Holidays are awesome! You get tons of Christmas presents, and you get a bunch of candy canes!
Doc: But just think about how exclusionary that statement is to people that don't celebrate Christmas! Or to dentists, or to people who use canes!
Simmons: Huh. I never looked at it that way.
Grif: Oh come on. I suppose you want to chicken out and just say Happy Holidays?
Doc: Yeah, I don't know. Holidays implies holy. Some people aren't religious at all! Also the word happy might be insensitive to people who suffer from depression.
Grif: What?
Simmons: He's right, you know. Each year, clinical depression affects millions of Americans.
Doc: Don't say Americans!
Simmons: Oops, right, you're right. Sorry. [Grif just stares at Doc]
Doc: What? It's a global platform!
Simmons: That's why we here at Red Versus Blue want to wish every one of you a very merry Chris-
Doc: Hold it right there, guys!
Grif: Doc, stop interrupting our holiday message.
Doc: Uh, yeah. Listen guys, you should really know the holidays can be one of the most offensive times of the year.
Simmons: Offensive? Holidays are awesome! You get tons of Christmas presents, and you get a bunch of candy canes!
Doc: But just think about how exclusionary that statement is to people that don't celebrate Christmas! Or to dentists, or to people who use canes!
Simmons: Huh. I never looked at it that way.
Grif: Oh come on. I suppose you want to chicken out and just say Happy Holidays?
Doc: Yeah, I don't know. Holidays implies holy. Some people aren't religious at all! Also the word happy might be insensitive to people who suffer from depression.
Grif: What?
Simmons: He's right, you know. Each year, clinical depression affects millions of Americans.
Doc: Don't say Americans!
Simmons: Oops, right, you're right. Sorry. [Grif just stares at Doc]
Doc: What? It's a global platform!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: What're you knuckle-heads yackin' about? I thought I ordered you to have yule-tide cheer! I don't see any yules, now get to yulein'!
Grif: The Grinch over there is tellin' us we can't do the holiday message.
Sarge: What in Sam Hell? What Commie told ya that? I'll kick him in his Kringle. I'll punch him in his holly bush. I'm gonna rip off his partridge and kick him in the pear trees!
Grif: The Grinch over there is tellin' us we can't do the holiday message.
Sarge: What in Sam Hell? What Commie told ya that? I'll kick him in his Kringle. I'll punch him in his holly bush. I'm gonna rip off his partridge and kick him in the pear trees!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: Doc and Simmons are worried about offending people that don't celebrate Christmas. [Doc makes a whiny noise] I mean the holidays.
Doc: Eh, still kinda...
Grif: [sighs] That don't celebrate a special time at the end of the year. Is that better?
Doc: The Aztecs use a different calendar. The end of their year is actually-
Grif: Oh come on! The Aztecs have been dead for like a billion years!
Sarge: For once I agree with Grif. This is total nonsense! This is our show. We can say whatever kind of greeting we want!
Doc: Okay, let's all just calm down before somebody gets too festive. Ahem, pardon me, I meant seasonally excited.
Sarge: That's a bunch of Rudolph droppings if you ask me. I'm not scared of offending people, just watch me go. Hi, this is Sarge from Red Versus Blue, and I want to wish everybody a very merry- [an Xbox 360 guide menu pops up in front of him and the screen goes black and white] Hey, get that thing out of here! {the menu closes] And give us back our color! [the color returns] That's better. Now as I was saying-
Grif: Uh, Sarge? I'd be careful if I were you.
Sarge: They can't stop the signal. Now on behalf of everyone here at Red Versus Blue, we want to wish you all out there a very Merry- [Sarge vanishes]. (An Xbox 360 alert pops up and says "GrifKilla51" signed out)
Grif: Whoa, what happened? Where'd Sarge go?
Doc: I guess they stopped the signal.
Simmons: Well, okay. If we can't say Happy Holidays, what can we say?
Doc: Just think of something as inoffensive as possible.
Simmons: What if we just say hi? Hello.
Doc: In what language?
Simmons: How 'bout we just send a universal mathematical me
Doc: Eh, still kinda...
Grif: [sighs] That don't celebrate a special time at the end of the year. Is that better?
Doc: The Aztecs use a different calendar. The end of their year is actually-
Grif: Oh come on! The Aztecs have been dead for like a billion years!
Sarge: For once I agree with Grif. This is total nonsense! This is our show. We can say whatever kind of greeting we want!
Doc: Okay, let's all just calm down before somebody gets too festive. Ahem, pardon me, I meant seasonally excited.
Sarge: That's a bunch of Rudolph droppings if you ask me. I'm not scared of offending people, just watch me go. Hi, this is Sarge from Red Versus Blue, and I want to wish everybody a very merry- [an Xbox 360 guide menu pops up in front of him and the screen goes black and white] Hey, get that thing out of here! {the menu closes] And give us back our color! [the color returns] That's better. Now as I was saying-
Grif: Uh, Sarge? I'd be careful if I were you.
Sarge: They can't stop the signal. Now on behalf of everyone here at Red Versus Blue, we want to wish you all out there a very Merry- [Sarge vanishes]. (An Xbox 360 alert pops up and says "GrifKilla51" signed out)
Grif: Whoa, what happened? Where'd Sarge go?
Doc: I guess they stopped the signal.
Simmons: Well, okay. If we can't say Happy Holidays, what can we say?
Doc: Just think of something as inoffensive as possible.
Simmons: What if we just say hi? Hello.
Doc: In what language?
Simmons: How 'bout we just send a universal mathematical me
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: You know, this is a time of year when we all try to figure out ways to avoid spending any more time with our families than we absolutely have to.
Grif: And there's no better way to do that than hiding from them in a big dark room with a bunch of strangers.
Church: We're talking, of course, about going to the movies. Or, if you find today's movies to be too sexually explicit, a strip club.
Church: Nowadays, most people treat a movie theater like their own home. And they treat their home like a gas station bathroom, which is gross.
Grif: And there's no better way to do that than hiding from them in a big dark room with a bunch of strangers.
Church: We're talking, of course, about going to the movies. Or, if you find today's movies to be too sexually explicit, a strip club.
Church: Nowadays, most people treat a movie theater like their own home. And they treat their home like a gas station bathroom, which is gross.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Andy: Silence is golden? Ain't there any dialogue in this picture? That's okay, I got my own soundtrack: This sucks! Zing!
Andy: Previews? What the hell is that? I don't want some previewed movie that other people have seen already! Those are the sloppy seconds of cinema!
Andy: I heard this movie got two thumbs up. My question is up what? Oooh! That burns!
Simmons: Why don't you go kill yourself?
Andy: Previews? What the hell is that? I don't want some previewed movie that other people have seen already! Those are the sloppy seconds of cinema!
Andy: I heard this movie got two thumbs up. My question is up what? Oooh! That burns!
Simmons: Why don't you go kill yourself?
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Junior: Honk, honk, blarg, eh!
Grif: Shut that kid up!
Tucker: Don't tell me how to raise my child!
Caboose: I hate babies.
Simmons: Oh come on, take the little brat to the lobby!
Tucker: Allright, that's it. Get him, Junior!
Simmons: Oof! [Simmons falls out of sight]
Donut: I didn't know this was gonna be an action movie! Ew, an NC-17 action movie!
Simmons: Oh God, my spine! Put it back in, put it back in!
Grif: Shut that kid up!
Tucker: Don't tell me how to raise my child!
Caboose: I hate babies.
Simmons: Oh come on, take the little brat to the lobby!
Tucker: Allright, that's it. Get him, Junior!
Simmons: Oof! [Simmons falls out of sight]
Donut: I didn't know this was gonna be an action movie! Ew, an NC-17 action movie!
Simmons: Oh God, my spine! Put it back in, put it back in!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Caboose: [Stands up] Excuse me, excuse me. I have to go to the bathroom. Again.
Simmons: Get out of my way, I can't see!
Caboose: It's not my fault the small drink is 164 ounces!
Simmons: Get out of my way, I can't see!
Caboose: It's not my fault the small drink is 164 ounces!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Caboose: Uh oh. [stands] Emergency! Emergency! [Everyone yells at him to sit down and shut up] Don't yell at me! I have a nervous bladder! Oh boy. [sighs] It's okay, I don't have to go anymore.
Simmons: Oh, gross.
Caboose: I'm thirsty again.
Simmons: Oh, gross.
Caboose: I'm thirsty again.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue