That '70s Show Quotes

Eric: Everything costs money. Gas. Food. Parties. Fun.
Michael Kelso: Dates. Dates cost money.
Fez: No, Kelso, that is prostitution.
Steven Hyde: No, Fez, dating IS prostitution. Only, you don't always get what you paid for.

TV Show: That '70s Show
Fez: We've been here for like 2 hours, and we've only moved like two feet.
Michael Kelso: If you think the lines at the DMV are long, you should see the free clinic. Now there's a wait.

TV Show: That '70s Show
Fez: This could be my last day in the country. We should make love.
Donna Pinciotti: What?
Fez: Don't worry, it will be over before you know it.

Movie: That 70s Show
Jackie Burkhart: I was waiting outside for Michael to pick me up, but the idiot never showed.
Todd: That's the third time this week. Three strikes and he's out according to the rules of baseball... and love.
Jackie Burkhart: Actually, it's four strikes, if you count the time he showed up late 'cause he had to see how the Jetsons ended.
Todd: Oh man. First he goes behind your back and takes that modeling job and now this whole Jetsons thing. No futuristic cartoon could ever keep me from you.

TV Show: That '70s Show
Red Forman: Oh and uh, here's a 20.
Laurie Forman: Will that cover for gas?
Kitty Forman: Oh well, honey, give her another 10 just in case.
Eric: You know, I could use some gas money.
Red Forman: [laughs] Yeah... and if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump it's ass when it hops.

TV Show: That '70s Show
Steven Hyde: Guys, can we do something besides cruise? That's the third time tonight we've driven by that house.
Michael Kelso: I know what we could do. We could go skinny dipping. [everyone looks at him]
Michael Kelso: Naked! That's the way God intended.
Jackie Burkhardt: No way.
Michael Kelso: Why not? It'd be fun.
Donna Pinciotti: Sure, it's fun for you guys, 'cause you can look at us, and that's a treat. But we just look at you. And that's nasty.
Eric: So, you don't want to do it?
Donna Pinciotti: Well... I don't care. I'll do it.
Eric: You... Okay, I'm in.
Fez: Naked is dirty. [singing]
Fez: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
All: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
Jackie Burkhardt: [the screen flips. Everyone is in the car, naked] This was such a great idea, Michael. This was so much fun. Oh, wait, except for the part when our clothes got stolen, you idiot!
Steven Hyde: By the way, Fez, nice tattoo, man.
Fez: Thank you. It is the Blessed Virgin of Yorba Linda. Do you want to see her dance?
All: No!
Eric: Guys, we need a plan. I'm not driving up to the house with a car full of naked people. Red hates you guys when you're dressed.
Steven Hyde: We can go to my house.
Michael Kelso: Yeah, your mom's used of having naked guys around.
Steven Hyde: She's not even home, you moron! [Hyde punches Kelso on the shoulder]

TV Show: That '70s Show
Fez: Oh, I am so excited to be in the food service industry. May I cut the cheese?

TV Show: That '70s Show
Fez: I may not say this right because I am new to English, but she has tremendous breasts, yes?
Jackie: Michael, who is this guy?
Kelso: Oh, that's Fez. He's the foreign exchange student.
Jackie: What did we exchange for him?

TV Show: That '70s Show
Kitty: A car is not a bedroom on wheels.

TV Show: That '70s Show
Fez: [seeing Laurie] Holy Mother!
Kelso: Hello Laurie.
Laurie: Hello Kelso, Hyde.
Fez: Who is the goddess?
Kelso: The goddess is Eric's sister.
Hyde: She's not a goddess, she's more the earth mother whore type, which works for me.

TV Show: That '70s Show
Red: So, how's your friend Janice?
Laurie: Pregnant.
Kitty: Oh, she was such a nice girl, how does that happen?
Eric: Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus where it attaches to the wall...
Red: Eric, for God's sakes, that's no language for a woman to hear!
Laurie: It's okay Red, I know what a fallopian tube is. I think Mom does too.

TV Show: That '70s Show
Red: Eric, say that your job was sent to a plant in Guatela-who-the-hell cares. Now, are you gonna vote for the guy that let that happen?
Kitty: Red, President Ford didn't take your job, he took Nixon's.
Red: Eric, we're waiting!
Eric: Uh, well, I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid and worth hearing.
Red: Well, that's, that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you're up for Miss America.

TV Show: That '70s Show
[At the Ford campaign rally, Red stammers, but recovers after seeing a masked Eric streak]
Red: Hey Gerry, here's my question: How the hell could you pardon Nixon?

TV Show: That '70s Show
Jackie: I'm waiting.
Hyde: Just say it and she'll go home.
Eric: Fine. [pause] You know, you're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee. [winces]
Jackie: Thank you!

TV Show: That '70s Show
[The guys have been talking about women and their physical features, but whenever Red walks by, they switch to talking about the Bible.]
Kelso: Geez, if [Red]'s like this now, he's going to be a total headcase when they shut down the plant. He's just going to be this pathetic guy...
[Red walks in]
Kelso: [loudly]: ...with breasts the size of watermelons! [pauses] ...Is what Moses said to the Egyptians.
Red: Kelso, go home.

TV Show: That '70s Show
Ricky: Tell me, what do you consider your best quality?
Eric: Well, I'm a real people person.
Hyde: I don't answer stupid questions.
Fez: I speak Dutch.
Kelso: My eyes. Oh, and I guess my butt, too.

TV Show: That '70s Show
Ricky: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Eric: Fatso Burger.
Kelso: Rock star. No, movie star. No. Yeah, rock star.
Hyde: Prison.

TV Show: That '70s Show
Eric: Yeah, we'll throw a party, charge two bucks a head.
Kelso: [quickly] Two bucks a head. A keg is equivalent to seven cases; that’s 168 beers. If we each drink three beers apiece...
Hyde: No way. Sophomores gonna drink one, maybe.
Kelso: True.
Hyde: Yeah, and the freshman, he's gonna drink a half.
Kelso: So that averages out to 1.5 beers per person, which means we can invite 112 people, and that’s 224 bucks.
Hyde: Cash.
Kelso: Which is...
Kelso and Hyde: Decent!

TV Show: That '70s Show
[Red and Bob are investigating the wine store when a kid tries to snitch on the party]
Sleazy Kid: You know, I may have heard something about a party? Can't recall, but maybe ... Andrew Jackson could remind me?
Bob: Andrew Jackson, huh? [Counts dollar bills] He's not in, but Abe Lincoln is hanging out with the Washington twins. I suppose they have knowledge of the festivities? [Red suddenly grabs the money]
Red: So, a real wiseguy, huh. Well, let's see how smart you are when I [gets closer to kid] SNAP OFF YOUR HEAD!
Sleazy Kid: Okay, okay, man! They said something about a ... a vacant house on Sherman.
Bob: I know that place. It's the vacant house on Sherman.
Red: Good work, Starsky. Let's roll.

TV Show: That '70s Show
[Donna and Eric talk about the gang's disco date]
Eric: Donna, I hate dancing.
Donna: Why did you go?
Eric: I like you.
Donna: So... you're in like with me?

TV Show: That '70s Show
[The guys are smoking in the basement]
Kelso: I was at the mall today, and I bought a new pair of shoes [pause] and they're the coolest kicks in the cave.

TV Show: That '70s Show
Fez: I am telling you. I heard it. The devil is singing backwards on the record.
Hyde: It's not the devil, man! It's Congress. They passed a secret law to put backward messages in our records, man! They wanna kill rock 'n roll because they know it makes us horny, man!
Eric: Doesn't pretty much everything make us horny?
Kelso: Cartoons make me horny! Oh, and food!

TV Show: That '70s Show
Jackie: I understand. Everybody wants their first makeout to be special, in some place romantic like Ireland or Disney World.

TV Show: That '70s Show
Donna: So, what do you guys wanna do when you grow up?
Eric: Um, not touch dead people. Ever.

TV Show: That '70s Show
[Donna leaves after finding out that Eric kissed Laurie's friend, Kate]
Hyde: Hey Donna, you wanna talk?
Kelso: I guess she didn't take it well.
Red: Take what well? [looks at Kelso]
Kelso: [smiles] Eric made out with Kate.
Red: Anything else?
Fez: Your son is a whore!

TV Show: That '70s Show
[Red berates Eric over kissing Kate]
Red: Donna's such a sweet kid. How could you do this to her?
Eric: I don't know. It's like bad things always happen to me, like I have bad luck or something.
Red: [slowly] Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you ... is because you're a dumbass. Now fix it!

TV Show: That '70s Show
Donna: [to Jackie and Kelso] Finally! Where have you guys been?
Kelso: We had to look for the paper, and eat... and then some stuff happened, you know.
Eric: Your shirt's on inside-out.
Kelso: Yeah, that's the stuff.

TV Show: That '70s Show
Hyde: The three true branches of the government are: military, corporate and Hollywood.

TV Show: That '70s Show
Kelso: I miss Eric.
Jackie: Well, you still have me.
Kelso: It's not the same, Jackie! I can talk to Eric about things that... that I can't talk about with you.
Jackie: OK, well like what?
Kelso: Well, for instance, the annoying things that you do.
Jackie: MICHAEL!
Kelso: See, I can't talk to you.

TV Show: That '70s Show
Fez: My God, with a car like that, you must be knee-deep in whores.

TV Show: That '70s Show