Frasier Quotes

Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh Roz, you look beautiful!
Roz Doyle: Thank you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: But we're not going.
Roz Doyle: What?
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's got something to do with my personal growth. You see, I don't care about these people anymore and you know, I want them to know it.
Roz Doyle: Frasier, I hired a babysitter... twice, I did my makeup... twice, I performed a miracle of engineering by taping myself into this dress... twice, only to be stood up... twice!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Roz, technically you only did your hair once.
Roz Doyle: SHUT UP! [hits him with her handbag]
Roz Doyle: You know, some day you're gonna need another favor from me, buddy, and when that day comes, I hope you know what you can do with it.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I have a pretty good idea.
Roz Doyle: Well, DO IT TWICE!

TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: Hello, Ethan. I'm listening.
Ethan: Hi, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: How old are you?
Ethan: I'm thirteen.
Frasier: Well, what can I do for you?
Ethan: Well, I'm having a lot of problems with the other kids at school. They're always beating me up.
Frasier: Why do you think that's so?
Ethan: Probably because I'm smart. I have a 160 IQ. I'm in the astronomy club and I hate sports.
Frasier: Well, you know, Ethan, the other children are just acting out of jealousy and immaturity, and I know it doesn't help much right now, but the day will come in the next few years when you will have the last laugh.
Ethan: ...That's it?
Frasier: [surprised] Yes.
Ethan: Frankly, Dr. Crane, I find that advice patronizing, simplistic and, in all candor, uninspired. The real surprise here is that they pay you to dole out this balloon juice.
Frasier: Ethan, where are you calling from?
Ethan: Home.
Frasier: Well, if any of Ethan's classmates are listening, you know where he is, and he can't stay in there forever. Thank you for your call.

TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: So, how do the calls look today?
Roz: Well, we've got a couple of jilted lovers, a man who's afraid of his car, a manic depressive, and three people who feel their lives are going nowhere.
Frasier: Oh, I love a Monday.

TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: You know, I guess I better get packing.
Martin: What're you talking about? You got your bags right there.
Frasier: No, Dad, these are my "Daddy" clothes. I have to go and pack my "Come to Daddy" clothes.

TV Show: Frasier
Martin: [smugly] How come you can fly to Hawaii, but you can't fly to England?
Gertrude Moon: How come you can drive your car, but you can't do your own laundry?
Martin: [biting his tongue] Have a good trip. [Later, when Frasier, Niles, and Martin are driving home]
Martin: I can't do my own laundry because I can't carry the laundry basket AND my cane at the same time. That's what I should have said!

TV Show: Frasier
[Eddie (the dog) stares at Frasier]
Frasier: What? Do you want to know what's bothering me too? Well, here's a start, I'm talking to a dog, that bothers me. I'm another year older today, I suppose that bothers me, but not as much as people seem to think. I'm still single, that's a big one. Not having a woman to share my life with. The only women in my life are friends; Roz and Daphne. Daphne's not even here anymore, she'll be married soon. That's going to be tough on Dad. Who am I kidding? It's going to be tough on me. It's been nice having her here. Even when my love life hasn't been going so well, I can always come home to a warm and considerate woman. You know, that's probably why I've been so brusque with her lately. I know that once she's gone, I'll probably be twice as lonely... Well, it's quite a realization isn't it? [Eddie buries his head under the pillow]
Frasier: You know, there are subtler ways to let the patient know his hour is up.

TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: Six months ago, I was living in Boston. My wife had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to me, which was excruciating.

TV Show: Frasier
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris!
Frasier: I do, I... I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun... except without the warmth.

TV Show: Frasier
Niles: Remember what mom always said: A handshake is as good as a hug.

TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: the rest of the show was pretty good. It was a good show, wasn't it.
Roz: Here, your brother called.
Frasier: Roz in the trade we call that avoidance. Don't change the subject. Tell me what you think.
Roz: Did I ever tell you what this little button does?
Frasier: I am not a piece of Lalique. I can handle criticism. How was I today?
Roz: Let's see. You dropped two commercials, you left a total of 28 seconds of dead air, you scrambled the stations call letters, you spilt yoghurt on the control board and you kept referring to Jerry with the identity crisis, as "Jeff".
Frasier: You say my brother called.

TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: Thanks, Niles. You are a good brother and a credit to the psychiatric profession.
Niles: You're a good brother, too.

TV Show: Frasier
Niles: So what you're saying is you want to be closer to Dad, but you don't actually want him around.

TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: I just don't think it's very smart to make rude gestures at other drivers.
Martin: He cut you off!
Frasier: That doesn't matter. You do not antagonise a man whose bumper sticker says: "If you're close enough to read this, I'll kill you!"
Martin: Big talk from a Volvo.

TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: [about Daphne] She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.

TV Show: Frasier
Niles: Sorry I'm late, Frasier. Just as we were leaving, Maris had a run-in with a rude directory assistance operator, and it shattered her calm.
Frasier: You know, Niles, have you ever considered that maybe Maris is a bit high-strung, that maybe she should see someone?
Niles: She's seen everyone. Why do you think she was calling directory assistance?

TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: As some of you may know, yesterday I was mentioned in Derek Mann's "Mann About Town" column. He said, and I quote, "I Hate Frasier Crane"... "I Hate Frasier Crane." What trenchant criticism. Move aside, Voltaire. Step back in the shadows, H. L. Mencken. There's a new kid in town. One can only wonder how many hours Derek Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen before his trembling fingers sprang to life and pecked out this chef d'oeuvre: "I... hate... Frasier Crane."

TV Show: Frasier
[Frasier cannot fathom why Martin stopped speaking to Irene after one phone call]
Niles: Who knows why anybody does anything?
Frasier: [looks incredulously at him] Remind me again what you do for a living.

TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: How can anyone make a sound judgement about another person on the basis of one phone call?
Niles: [looks back] Remind me again what it is you do for a living.

TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night.
Niles: She's on your bed.
Frasier: My bed?
Niles: Yes, she's asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.

TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: God, I hate lawyers.
Niles: Me, too. But they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and they never get better.

TV Show: Frasier
Daphne: My grandfather used to nap every afternoon. He lived to be 93.
Martin: Really?
Daphne: He'd lie there on the sofa and you couldn't wake him for the world. Grammy would say: "He might as well be a dead man." Then, of course, one day we couldn't wake him. He really was a dead man. Poor Grammy. For weeks, she kept insisting: "He's napping, he's napping."

TV Show: Frasier
[Martin and Daphne are singing Deck the Halls]
Frasier: Excuse me, excuse me. Exactly how long have I been asleep.

TV Show: Frasier
[Catherine is crying]
Frasier: Oh, no, no, no, don't cry. You're in a place of business here.

TV Show: Frasier
Catherine: Your wife is really lucky.
Frasier: Well, I'm sure she'd say the same thing, especially now that our marriage is over.

TV Show: Frasier
[Dinner with Niles holds several surprises]
Frasier: You know, Niles, maybe you should have that Martini after all.
Niles: I can't, Frasier; I'm driving.
Frasier: [still reading the menu] Not any more; they just towed your car.

TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: The thought of a doctor selling things is kind of distasteful, isn't it?
Daphne: What about Dr Sneezy's cold medicine?
Frasier: Dr Sneezy is a cartoon character. The fact that he's a giant purple hippopotamus probably should have tipped you off.

TV Show: Frasier
[On the subject of a film (likely to have beenBasic Instinct)]
Niles: Have you seen that movie? Maris and I rented the video. I don't mind telling you we pushed our beds together that night! And that was no mean feat; her room, as you know, is across the hall!

TV Show: Frasier
Niles: I really must go. I'm hosting a seminar on multiple personality disorders and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags.

TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: Roz, why is it that whenever we try to have a serious discussion, we always end up talking about your sex life?
Roz: [smugly] Because I have one.

TV Show: Frasier
[It seems that Doctor Newman was both healthy and in good shape when he died]
Allen: Did you know he had less than 10 percent body fat on him?
Frasier: My goodness. Has anybody checked to see if he's really dead?

TV Show: Frasier