That '70s Show Quotes
Red: So, I guess this is the way an immature, engaged, high school dumbass, with no car, no job and no money trims the hedges.
Hyde: That was, like, eight burns in one sentence.
Donna: An octoburn... Let's get the hell out of here.
[Everyone leaves but Eric and Red.]
Hyde: That was, like, eight burns in one sentence.
Donna: An octoburn... Let's get the hell out of here.
[Everyone leaves but Eric and Red.]
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Hyde, Kelso, Fez, and Jackie go into a Circle and talk about Leo, who left Hyde]
Hyde: [laughs] Can’t close my mouth. Can you close your mouth? Really startin’ to freak me out. Leo’s the best.
Kelso: Leo made me a grilled cheese once. He used butter and it made the crust extra toasty. He forgot cheese. I miss that grilled cheese-makin’ son of a bitch!
Jackie: You know one time, I heard Leo talking on the phone and he was speaking Chinese. So I said, 'Leo, stop speaking Chinese.' So he turned around...and it wasn’t Leo. It was a Chinese guy. Hmm. You know, I’ll never forget that.
Fez: I’m just sad I’ll never get to see his face when I tell him I did it with Nina. Actually, I’d like to see my face when I do it with Nina. I’ll bet I look like a stallion.
Hyde: So today we sit in this circle in honor of Leo. He was my boss. He was my friend. He was my connection. To Leo!
All: To Leo! [raise beer cans to ceiling]
Hyde: [laughs] Can’t close my mouth. Can you close your mouth? Really startin’ to freak me out. Leo’s the best.
Kelso: Leo made me a grilled cheese once. He used butter and it made the crust extra toasty. He forgot cheese. I miss that grilled cheese-makin’ son of a bitch!
Jackie: You know one time, I heard Leo talking on the phone and he was speaking Chinese. So I said, 'Leo, stop speaking Chinese.' So he turned around...and it wasn’t Leo. It was a Chinese guy. Hmm. You know, I’ll never forget that.
Fez: I’m just sad I’ll never get to see his face when I tell him I did it with Nina. Actually, I’d like to see my face when I do it with Nina. I’ll bet I look like a stallion.
Hyde: So today we sit in this circle in honor of Leo. He was my boss. He was my friend. He was my connection. To Leo!
All: To Leo! [raise beer cans to ceiling]
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Kelso just hit a police car]
Fez: I cannot believe you hit a police car.
Kelso: Nah, don’t worry. It’s a hot lady cop. Yah, just watch the master.
Officer Debbie: License and registration.
Kelso: Yeah, just give me a sec here. My wallet gets stuck ‘cause I’ve been workin’ out. My leg muscles are huge. Oh boy. By the way, I can bench about 220 so that’d be about - two of you little lady.
Officer Debbie: What’s your name?
Fez: Oh my name is Fez, but I have a girlfriend so you need to cool it little girl.
Officer Debbie: Yeah, I’ll try. Okay Mr. Kelso, I’m gonna issue you a citation. [gives Kelso a ticket]
Kelso: Wooh, a citation for bein’ too foxy in a school zone.
Officer Debbie: No. A citation for 64 dollars. Bench press that.
Fez: I cannot believe you hit a police car.
Kelso: Nah, don’t worry. It’s a hot lady cop. Yah, just watch the master.
Officer Debbie: License and registration.
Kelso: Yeah, just give me a sec here. My wallet gets stuck ‘cause I’ve been workin’ out. My leg muscles are huge. Oh boy. By the way, I can bench about 220 so that’d be about - two of you little lady.
Officer Debbie: What’s your name?
Fez: Oh my name is Fez, but I have a girlfriend so you need to cool it little girl.
Officer Debbie: Yeah, I’ll try. Okay Mr. Kelso, I’m gonna issue you a citation. [gives Kelso a ticket]
Kelso: Wooh, a citation for bein’ too foxy in a school zone.
Officer Debbie: No. A citation for 64 dollars. Bench press that.
TV Show: That '70s Show
Roy: I work here; hotel kitchen manager. I was gonna put out word that we’re lookin’ for a cook, but then I figured why bother. They’ll just leave me like everybody else.
Jackie: So Roy, seem a little depressed there.
Roy: Yeah, I’m teeterin’ on the brink.
Hyde: Maybe I can do somethin’ to cheer you up.
Roy: Really? Oh, that’d be great.
Cut to the three of them in The Circle:
Roy: So I’m on the Golden Gate Bridge and everyone’s tellin’ me to jump. I was just out for a jog.
Hyde: Okay Roy, here’s what I’m gonna do for you. I’m gonna take that job as cook and keep you company; on two conditions. I’m not gonna work very hard, and you’re gonna have to pay me a lot. But man, it’ll be a bargain considering the money you save on hookers and shrinks.
Roy: Great! And if it’s work related, I can call you at home. Now I have a reason to get a phone.
Jackie: So Roy, seem a little depressed there.
Roy: Yeah, I’m teeterin’ on the brink.
Hyde: Maybe I can do somethin’ to cheer you up.
Roy: Really? Oh, that’d be great.
Cut to the three of them in The Circle:
Roy: So I’m on the Golden Gate Bridge and everyone’s tellin’ me to jump. I was just out for a jog.
Hyde: Okay Roy, here’s what I’m gonna do for you. I’m gonna take that job as cook and keep you company; on two conditions. I’m not gonna work very hard, and you’re gonna have to pay me a lot. But man, it’ll be a bargain considering the money you save on hookers and shrinks.
Roy: Great! And if it’s work related, I can call you at home. Now I have a reason to get a phone.
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Red, Kitty, and Eric confront Hyde for letting Jackie sleep over in the basement. Eric is in a makeshift toga.]
Red: Who the hell do you think you are? Bringing a girl into my house in the middle of the night.
Kitty: And right in our basement. We keep our Christmas decorations down there. Baby Jesus was watching.
Hyde: Told you to look where you were goin’.
Jackie: Well what idiot leaves a Lego set right in front of the door?
Eric: You knocked over my Space Command Center? I spent three hours building that.
Red: Alright. Now what is going on in my basement?
Hyde: Jackie’s been sleeping here the last couple of weeks.
Kitty: Couple of weeks. This is not the Playboy Mansion you know.
Hyde: Look, nothing was going on.
Eric: Nothing was going on? Umm, space command centers were ruined!
Red: Would you please go put some pants on? This is where I eat.
Red: Who the hell do you think you are? Bringing a girl into my house in the middle of the night.
Kitty: And right in our basement. We keep our Christmas decorations down there. Baby Jesus was watching.
Hyde: Told you to look where you were goin’.
Jackie: Well what idiot leaves a Lego set right in front of the door?
Eric: You knocked over my Space Command Center? I spent three hours building that.
Red: Alright. Now what is going on in my basement?
Hyde: Jackie’s been sleeping here the last couple of weeks.
Kitty: Couple of weeks. This is not the Playboy Mansion you know.
Hyde: Look, nothing was going on.
Eric: Nothing was going on? Umm, space command centers were ruined!
Red: Would you please go put some pants on? This is where I eat.
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Fez and Kelso are talking about Nina's parents embarrassing him for being "different" in the Basement]
Fez: You know, I've been called many names since coming to this country, but I've never been treated like that before. [Shakes his head]
Kelso: Fez, unfortunately there are some people in this world that are going to judge you on the color of your skin, or your funny accent, or that girly little way you run. [Fez nods in agreement] But you know what, you're not alone. Why don't you think the Martians won't land here? Cause they're green, and they know people are going to make fun of them.
Fez: You said it brother.I just wish there were someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist.
Kelso: Well, thats Canada. [Pause] Yep good ol' Canada. They don't make generalizations about people because they are too busy playing hockey, or getting drunk, or putting maple syrup on their ham. [Nina walks in]
Nina: Fez, we need to talk.
Kelso: Hey, he might not be from this country, but he's beautiful, dammit!
Fez: Nina, our relationship is over. My self respect demands it, and there is nothing you can say to make me change my mind.
Nina: Fez, my parents are jerks, and I want to get back at them by doing it with you on their bed.
Fez: [Long pause] Except that. Thanks Kelso! [Kelso pumps his fist in agreement, as Fez and Nina leave]
Fez: You know, I've been called many names since coming to this country, but I've never been treated like that before. [Shakes his head]
Kelso: Fez, unfortunately there are some people in this world that are going to judge you on the color of your skin, or your funny accent, or that girly little way you run. [Fez nods in agreement] But you know what, you're not alone. Why don't you think the Martians won't land here? Cause they're green, and they know people are going to make fun of them.
Fez: You said it brother.I just wish there were someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist.
Kelso: Well, thats Canada. [Pause] Yep good ol' Canada. They don't make generalizations about people because they are too busy playing hockey, or getting drunk, or putting maple syrup on their ham. [Nina walks in]
Nina: Fez, we need to talk.
Kelso: Hey, he might not be from this country, but he's beautiful, dammit!
Fez: Nina, our relationship is over. My self respect demands it, and there is nothing you can say to make me change my mind.
Nina: Fez, my parents are jerks, and I want to get back at them by doing it with you on their bed.
Fez: [Long pause] Except that. Thanks Kelso! [Kelso pumps his fist in agreement, as Fez and Nina leave]
TV Show: That '70s Show
Kitty: Donna, you're so sweet for letting Jackie live here with you while her mother is...[pauses]...you know.
Donna: Whoring around Mexico?
Kitty: Donna that is not fair...[pauses]...I think she left Mexico.
Donna: Whoring around Mexico?
Kitty: Donna that is not fair...[pauses]...I think she left Mexico.
TV Show: That '70s Show
Hyde: I'm telling you, the government has a car that runs on water, man. They just don’t want us to know, because then we'd buy all the water. Then there’d be nothing left to drink but beer! And the government knows that beer... set us free.
Fez: Hyde, you told us about the car a million times. Can we please talk about how hungry and horny I am? I wish I had a lady made of pizza. Or a pizza made of boobs!
Eric: Yeah. Hungry: check. Horny: check. It's getting old, Fez. God, I feel like I'm Luke Skywalker, you know. 'Member when he was living on Tatooine, before R2 and 3PO showed up? Just workin' on Uncle Owen's water farm all day. Not even allowed to go in to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters. Boring.
Kelso: Eric. Enough with the Star Wars crap. Whenever you talk about that stuff, I frown. And when I frown, my skin wrinkles. And if I get wrinkles, my free ride is over. And I like my free ride!
Hyde: Yeah. We get it. You're good-looking. Doesn't anybody have anything new to say? [nobody responds] So there's this car that runs on water, man.... [the rest of the group angrily pelt Hyde with empty beer cans] It runs on water, man.
Fez: Hyde, you told us about the car a million times. Can we please talk about how hungry and horny I am? I wish I had a lady made of pizza. Or a pizza made of boobs!
Eric: Yeah. Hungry: check. Horny: check. It's getting old, Fez. God, I feel like I'm Luke Skywalker, you know. 'Member when he was living on Tatooine, before R2 and 3PO showed up? Just workin' on Uncle Owen's water farm all day. Not even allowed to go in to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters. Boring.
Kelso: Eric. Enough with the Star Wars crap. Whenever you talk about that stuff, I frown. And when I frown, my skin wrinkles. And if I get wrinkles, my free ride is over. And I like my free ride!
Hyde: Yeah. We get it. You're good-looking. Doesn't anybody have anything new to say? [nobody responds] So there's this car that runs on water, man.... [the rest of the group angrily pelt Hyde with empty beer cans] It runs on water, man.
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Fez confronts Nina for breaking up with him.]
Fez: Nina, I thought we were so happy together. What happened?
Nina: Fez, right now I'm at a point in my—
Fez: Oh, cut the crap, heart-breaker! I want the truth!
Nina: Hey, the truth is you're too needy.
Fez: Too needy? I'm sorry, but a man in his sexual prime has needs. And you are lucky to have such a stallion at your disposal.
Nina: No, your needs are fine. It's your neediness that's the problem.
Fez: Then why didn't you say that?
Nina: I didn't want you to make a scene.
Fez: You didn't want me to make a scene? You didn't want me to make a scene! [dumps the food basket of the man at the next table] Ha! You dump Fez, I dump fries! There's your scene! [to the man with the basket] Here's a dollar. Sorry about the scene.
Fez: Nina, I thought we were so happy together. What happened?
Nina: Fez, right now I'm at a point in my—
Fez: Oh, cut the crap, heart-breaker! I want the truth!
Nina: Hey, the truth is you're too needy.
Fez: Too needy? I'm sorry, but a man in his sexual prime has needs. And you are lucky to have such a stallion at your disposal.
Nina: No, your needs are fine. It's your neediness that's the problem.
Fez: Then why didn't you say that?
Nina: I didn't want you to make a scene.
Fez: You didn't want me to make a scene? You didn't want me to make a scene! [dumps the food basket of the man at the next table] Ha! You dump Fez, I dump fries! There's your scene! [to the man with the basket] Here's a dollar. Sorry about the scene.
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Fez is uneasy after he admits having had a dream about Kelso]
Donna: That is awesome! Fez, you gotta tell us about this dream.
Kelso: Wha? No you don’t gotta! Look at him! He's undressing me with his eyes, right now!
Fez: You undressed yourself you son of a bitch!!!
Eric: Fez, tell us what happened. And, and don’t be afraid to use colorful words like sweaty, or fondle or forbidden. Go on.
Fez: Well...Kelso was a nurse. And there was ... sponging.
Kelso: Ohhh!
Fez: Hey, maybe, maybe the dream continued and we went to find some girls?
Kelso: Well, did it continue?
Fez: No! What could this mean?
Kelso: Well, isn’t it obvious? It means that I’m gay!
Donna: That is awesome! Fez, you gotta tell us about this dream.
Kelso: Wha? No you don’t gotta! Look at him! He's undressing me with his eyes, right now!
Fez: You undressed yourself you son of a bitch!!!
Eric: Fez, tell us what happened. And, and don’t be afraid to use colorful words like sweaty, or fondle or forbidden. Go on.
Fez: Well...Kelso was a nurse. And there was ... sponging.
Kelso: Ohhh!
Fez: Hey, maybe, maybe the dream continued and we went to find some girls?
Kelso: Well, did it continue?
Fez: No! What could this mean?
Kelso: Well, isn’t it obvious? It means that I’m gay!
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Red is pleased with Eric's new job at Joanne's dog food factory]
Red: Look at you. You got that great dog food job now. And plenty of dog food money comin’ in. I mean ... you two are happy, right?
Donna: Very happy.
Eric: Yes.
Red: Of course you are. And that’s why I’ve changed my mind. This promising new career in dog food has convinced me ... that you two are mature enough to get married.
Eric: Wha-Are, are you serious?
Red: Absolutely! Hey! Let’s get you happy kids hitched as soon as possible! Like next week!
Donna: Next week? Wow that’s, that’s really soon.
Eric: Yeah, well sooner than we thought. We were thinkin’ like ... someday.
Donna: Yeah, yeah someday. That’s good.
Red: Look at you. You got that great dog food job now. And plenty of dog food money comin’ in. I mean ... you two are happy, right?
Donna: Very happy.
Eric: Yes.
Red: Of course you are. And that’s why I’ve changed my mind. This promising new career in dog food has convinced me ... that you two are mature enough to get married.
Eric: Wha-Are, are you serious?
Red: Absolutely! Hey! Let’s get you happy kids hitched as soon as possible! Like next week!
Donna: Next week? Wow that’s, that’s really soon.
Eric: Yeah, well sooner than we thought. We were thinkin’ like ... someday.
Donna: Yeah, yeah someday. That’s good.
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Eric and Donna are sitting in the basement. Red has been pressuring them to marry]
Eric: You know what I think Donna? I think this whole get married in a week stuff is just Red trying to get us to call the whole thing off. Yeah, but you know what? That ain’t happening Missy. You know what we’re gonna do? We’re gonna teach Red a lesson and get married out of spite. Yeah screw you Red!
Donna: Wow! It’s every little girl’s dream to get married out of spite!
Eric: You know what I think Donna? I think this whole get married in a week stuff is just Red trying to get us to call the whole thing off. Yeah, but you know what? That ain’t happening Missy. You know what we’re gonna do? We’re gonna teach Red a lesson and get married out of spite. Yeah screw you Red!
Donna: Wow! It’s every little girl’s dream to get married out of spite!
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Jackie explains to Hyde her moment with Kelso in the previous episode]
Jackie: ...and that’s when you saw us, but I swear nothing happened!
Hyde: Jackie, stop talking! Look I know all this now okay. But before I knew I was at the hotel last night, and I was really mad, there was this nurse...and-
Jackie: And what? [gives him a mean look and he looks really sorry]
Hyde: And I’m really sorry okay. I promise it’ll never happen again.
Jackie: [voice breaking up] That’s exactly what Michael used to say!
Hyde: C’mon Jackie-
Jackie: No, you know what Steven, I’m sorry. It’s over. [gets out of the car and walks away]
Hyde: [turns on radio] Huh, finally get country music.
Jackie: ...and that’s when you saw us, but I swear nothing happened!
Hyde: Jackie, stop talking! Look I know all this now okay. But before I knew I was at the hotel last night, and I was really mad, there was this nurse...and-
Jackie: And what? [gives him a mean look and he looks really sorry]
Hyde: And I’m really sorry okay. I promise it’ll never happen again.
Jackie: [voice breaking up] That’s exactly what Michael used to say!
Hyde: C’mon Jackie-
Jackie: No, you know what Steven, I’m sorry. It’s over. [gets out of the car and walks away]
Hyde: [turns on radio] Huh, finally get country music.
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Fez has been caught by the police while painting the water tower.]
Fez: Um... I am a painter from a foreign country, and this is my gift to America!
Police: Get off the water tower!
Fez: [raises his arms] People of America, I give you "Genitals in the Sky"!
Fez: Um... I am a painter from a foreign country, and this is my gift to America!
Police: Get off the water tower!
Fez: [raises his arms] People of America, I give you "Genitals in the Sky"!
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Eric and Donna are browsing the classified ads for places to rent near UW-Madison]
Donna: Eric, this place has a washer and dryer!
Eric: Wait. A washer and free water? My God, its like there's no reason to come home!
Kitty: [Kitty laughs] Excuse me. [walks outside to Red who is fixing the car] A washer and dryer, Red! They are going to have a washer and dryer! That redheaded harlot is going to be cleaning my baby's grass stains! What about my last summer with my youngest child? I bet you weren't thinking about that when you went fishing! I bought sparklers for the fourth of July! He loves sparklers and now he's leaving and what are we going to do for THE FOURTH OF JULY?!
Red: Uhh... [smiling] There's a car show in Kenosha.
Kitty: A car show? I don't want to go to a goddamn car show in FUCKING KENOSHA! I just want three more fucking months with my baby boy, and now they're gone because of your bullshit! WAY TO GO DUMBASS! [storms back to house]
Donna: Eric, this place has a washer and dryer!
Eric: Wait. A washer and free water? My God, its like there's no reason to come home!
Kitty: [Kitty laughs] Excuse me. [walks outside to Red who is fixing the car] A washer and dryer, Red! They are going to have a washer and dryer! That redheaded harlot is going to be cleaning my baby's grass stains! What about my last summer with my youngest child? I bet you weren't thinking about that when you went fishing! I bought sparklers for the fourth of July! He loves sparklers and now he's leaving and what are we going to do for THE FOURTH OF JULY?!
Red: Uhh... [smiling] There's a car show in Kenosha.
Kitty: A car show? I don't want to go to a goddamn car show in FUCKING KENOSHA! I just want three more fucking months with my baby boy, and now they're gone because of your bullshit! WAY TO GO DUMBASS! [storms back to house]
TV Show: That '70s Show
[At the campfire, Kelso tries a familiar song to rub Hyde and Jackie's breakup in Hyde's face]
Kelso: Something touched me deep inside the day that Hyde...lied [Hyde is giving Kelso a look]So bye, bye Mr. Steven Hyde.
I’m a hottie and you're nottie
Jackie's gonna be mine
She likes my brunette locks not your curly-ass twine
Oh, Jackie Burkhart you are so fiiiiine
Kelso: Something touched me deep inside the day that Hyde...lied [Hyde is giving Kelso a look]So bye, bye Mr. Steven Hyde.
I’m a hottie and you're nottie
Jackie's gonna be mine
She likes my brunette locks not your curly-ass twine
Oh, Jackie Burkhart you are so fiiiiine
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Red is having a heart attack because Fez and Laurie broke the news of their marriage]
Fez: Hang on, Dad.
Red: Kitty?
Kitty: Yes, Red?
Red: If I don't make it, kill the foreigner!
Fez: Hang on, Dad.
Red: Kitty?
Kitty: Yes, Red?
Red: If I don't make it, kill the foreigner!
TV Show: That '70s Show
Kitty: Eric, we have to keep your father calm — so no shenanigans.
Eric: Oh, Mom, I haven't shenaniganned in six years. I've hooliganned, I've no-good-nicked, I've ne'er-do-welled. Just yesterday I found myself rabble-rousing.
Red: Will you shut up!
Eric: Oh, Mom, I haven't shenaniganned in six years. I've hooliganned, I've no-good-nicked, I've ne'er-do-welled. Just yesterday I found myself rabble-rousing.
Red: Will you shut up!
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Red joins Hyde in the basement. Hyde is watching a football game and drinking soda]
Red: Hey Steven. Where's your beer?
Hyde: What? Me, beer?
Red: Kitty threw away all my beer, the Packers are down by 11, you're 18, I know you have beer, so where's your beer? [Hyde removes the outer part of the soda can, revealing beer.] I don't want used beer.
Hyde: Well I might have a couple of fresh ones in the shower. [Red opens the curtain to reveal about 15 cases of beer] Yeah I'm running low, I should probably hit the store. [Red takes a six pack and sits down to watch the game with Hyde.]
Red: Hey Steven. Where's your beer?
Hyde: What? Me, beer?
Red: Kitty threw away all my beer, the Packers are down by 11, you're 18, I know you have beer, so where's your beer? [Hyde removes the outer part of the soda can, revealing beer.] I don't want used beer.
Hyde: Well I might have a couple of fresh ones in the shower. [Red opens the curtain to reveal about 15 cases of beer] Yeah I'm running low, I should probably hit the store. [Red takes a six pack and sits down to watch the game with Hyde.]
TV Show: That '70s Show
[after Kelso tries in vain to convince the others he had sex with Brooke, she comes to the basement]
Brooke: Michael, we have to talk.
Kelso: Yeah? About what?
Brooke: About our night together at the Molly Hatchet concert.
Kelso: Excuse me.
[to Fez]
Kelso: Burn!
[to Donna]
Kelso: Burn!
[to Eric]
Kelso: Burn!
[to Hyde and Jackie]
Kelso: Burn!
[Kelso runs upstairs to the kitchen]
Kelso: [to Kitty] Burn!
[to Red]
Kelso: Burn!
[Kelso runs back downstairs]
Kelso: [To everyone calmly] Burn. We totally did it!
Brooke: Michael, I just found out I'm pregnant.
Kelso: [defensively] I never touched her!
Brooke: Michael, we have to talk.
Kelso: Yeah? About what?
Brooke: About our night together at the Molly Hatchet concert.
Kelso: Excuse me.
[to Fez]
Kelso: Burn!
[to Donna]
Kelso: Burn!
[to Eric]
Kelso: Burn!
[to Hyde and Jackie]
Kelso: Burn!
[Kelso runs upstairs to the kitchen]
Kelso: [to Kitty] Burn!
[to Red]
Kelso: Burn!
[Kelso runs back downstairs]
Kelso: [To everyone calmly] Burn. We totally did it!
Brooke: Michael, I just found out I'm pregnant.
Kelso: [defensively] I never touched her!
TV Show: That '70s Show
Jackie: Laverne is so annoying. Why does Shirley put up with her crap?
Kelso: She has to. They're in love.
Donna: Again, Kelso, Laverne and Shirley are not lesbians.
Kelso: Trust me, they're one bottle of wine away from making out, just like you two.
Kelso: She has to. They're in love.
Donna: Again, Kelso, Laverne and Shirley are not lesbians.
Kelso: Trust me, they're one bottle of wine away from making out, just like you two.
TV Show: That '70s Show
Red: [referring to Fez's impending questioning by the INS] And I guess it might be fun to just sit back and watch Tarzan here crumble before the full force of the U.S Government.
Fez: Okay, that’s it. Anwar I can deal with. Tonto, in the ballpark, but Tarzan... Tarzan is a white guy!
Red: Don’t sass me, Tarzan.
Fez: Okay, that’s it. Anwar I can deal with. Tonto, in the ballpark, but Tarzan... Tarzan is a white guy!
Red: Don’t sass me, Tarzan.
TV Show: That '70s Show
Fez: Laurie: well, look who the whore dragged in, herself. May I remind you you're married?
Laurie: Oh, that's okay. The guy from last night was married, too.
[Red and Kitty walk in from the kitchen]
Fez: What is your problem?
Red: Oh, are you two at it again? Your green card is on the way. [to Kitty] I thought this marriage was over.
Kitty: Laurie, I gave you fifty dollars last week to go down to the courthouse and file for divorce. What happened?
Laurie: Well, I had to get a new makeup mirror and some wine.
Red: Tomorrow we're going to the courthouse. [Red and Kitty walk away.]
Fez: Hmmmm, the courthouse is across town. I wonder if you can make it all the way there without sleeping with someone?
Laurie: I bet I can make it there without sleeping with you. [Laurie walks away.]
Fez: Bitch.
Laurie: Oh, that's okay. The guy from last night was married, too.
[Red and Kitty walk in from the kitchen]
Fez: What is your problem?
Red: Oh, are you two at it again? Your green card is on the way. [to Kitty] I thought this marriage was over.
Kitty: Laurie, I gave you fifty dollars last week to go down to the courthouse and file for divorce. What happened?
Laurie: Well, I had to get a new makeup mirror and some wine.
Red: Tomorrow we're going to the courthouse. [Red and Kitty walk away.]
Fez: Hmmmm, the courthouse is across town. I wonder if you can make it all the way there without sleeping with someone?
Laurie: I bet I can make it there without sleeping with you. [Laurie walks away.]
Fez: Bitch.
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Two girls approach Eric]
Random Girl #1: Oh, my God, Eric Forman! I love your shirt.
Eric: Really? I wore this shirt for four years and no one said a thing.
Random Girl #2: I guess now you really fill it out!
Eric: Thanks. I'm, like, up to 17 push-ups a night, so..
Random Girl #2: No, I don't think that's it. I think it's because you're not a high school boy any more.
Random Girl #1: You're 18 now; you've seen and done it all.
Eric: No, no, I... Well, yes, yes, I have! [Kelso pulls Eric away.]
Kelso: You better watch out, okay? Girls are talking to you. I think there might be a practical joke in the works.
Eric: No, man, I don't think so. I think it's because I graduated. Hyde, am I cool now?
Hyde: Well, you're cool like margarine is butter... close, but there's a little aftertaste.
Random Girl #1: Oh, my God, Eric Forman! I love your shirt.
Eric: Really? I wore this shirt for four years and no one said a thing.
Random Girl #2: I guess now you really fill it out!
Eric: Thanks. I'm, like, up to 17 push-ups a night, so..
Random Girl #2: No, I don't think that's it. I think it's because you're not a high school boy any more.
Random Girl #1: You're 18 now; you've seen and done it all.
Eric: No, no, I... Well, yes, yes, I have! [Kelso pulls Eric away.]
Kelso: You better watch out, okay? Girls are talking to you. I think there might be a practical joke in the works.
Eric: No, man, I don't think so. I think it's because I graduated. Hyde, am I cool now?
Hyde: Well, you're cool like margarine is butter... close, but there's a little aftertaste.
TV Show: That '70s Show
Jackie: Hey, maybe a good way to break the ice is for everyone to tell a little about themselves. I'll go first... I like makeup and diets. And Steven here likes black things and throwing stuff at glass.
Brooke: Okay, well, I was valedictorian of my class, I run marathons and tutor kids in Latin.
Kelso: Well, I egged the valedictorian of my class, a marathon runner — oh, and some kids that took Latin.
Hyde: This is fun.
Brooke: So how do you all know each other?
Jackie: Well, Michael and I dated for, like, three years.
Hyde: Then I stole her from him.
Brooke: Wait — what?
Kelso: Nah, nah, you never could have stole her if I didn't cheat on her first.
Brooke: Okay. Wait a minute.
Kelso: It, uh... that sounds a lot worse than what it is. I only cheated on her with Eric's sister, and the rest of the girls were when we were on a break because I annoyed her. But none of those were sisters except the two that were sisters.
Hyde: He brought up the sisters. Awesome.
Brooke: Okay, this was a mistake. I think I'm going to go.
Kelso: No, Brooke, wait... I've been with a lot of chicks, a lot... a lot... a lot.
Jackie: That's not helping.
Kelso: Look, just let me start over... We might not be the perfect match, okay, but I really, really like you. I think maybe us having this baby together is, like, fate.
Brooke: Michael, fate is when two people meet on a train or in Paris, not in the bathroom at a Molly Hatchet concert. [Brooke gets up and leaves.]
Kelso: Fate. Man, never use a word in a fight if you don't really really know what it means.
Brooke: Okay, well, I was valedictorian of my class, I run marathons and tutor kids in Latin.
Kelso: Well, I egged the valedictorian of my class, a marathon runner — oh, and some kids that took Latin.
Hyde: This is fun.
Brooke: So how do you all know each other?
Jackie: Well, Michael and I dated for, like, three years.
Hyde: Then I stole her from him.
Brooke: Wait — what?
Kelso: Nah, nah, you never could have stole her if I didn't cheat on her first.
Brooke: Okay. Wait a minute.
Kelso: It, uh... that sounds a lot worse than what it is. I only cheated on her with Eric's sister, and the rest of the girls were when we were on a break because I annoyed her. But none of those were sisters except the two that were sisters.
Hyde: He brought up the sisters. Awesome.
Brooke: Okay, this was a mistake. I think I'm going to go.
Kelso: No, Brooke, wait... I've been with a lot of chicks, a lot... a lot... a lot.
Jackie: That's not helping.
Kelso: Look, just let me start over... We might not be the perfect match, okay, but I really, really like you. I think maybe us having this baby together is, like, fate.
Brooke: Michael, fate is when two people meet on a train or in Paris, not in the bathroom at a Molly Hatchet concert. [Brooke gets up and leaves.]
Kelso: Fate. Man, never use a word in a fight if you don't really really know what it means.
TV Show: That '70s Show
Eric: [after fixing the lawnmower] Mom, Dad, come quick. I fixed it. I fixed it! [Red and Kitty come out of the house to see what Eric did.] It was like God had control over my hands. Let me, let me start it for you.
Red: Eric, don't. I've seen you use a wrench. If you went lefty-loosey instead of righty-tighty, we could all die. Let me just put this in the garage.
Eric: Wait, but Dad...
Kitty: No, no, honey, honey, your father's right, it's not safe. We'll let Bob start it later.
Red: [after opening up the garage door and finding a police car there] WHAT DID YOU DO! WHY, WHY, WHY, IS IT ALWAYS MY HOUSE!
Hyde: Do you really want to know or do you want to just keep yelling?
Red: I WANT TO KEEP YELLING!! I don't care whose fault it is, just get that thing out of here, now.
Kelso: Yes sir. [Kelso goes into the car]
Red: All right, everybody, show's over. Let's go in the house.
Eric: But Dad, the lawnmower. I fixed the lawnmower, You've got to see. [Sees Kelso backing up and about to hit the lawnmower] KELSO WAIT! [Kelso destroys the lawnmower]
Hyde: Hey look Fez, just like your frog.
Red: Ah, well. It was broken anyway.
Eric: No, It wasn't. I fixed it. Mom you believe me, don't you.
Kitty: Of course I do, honey. I believe that you believed you fixed it.
Red: Eric, don't. I've seen you use a wrench. If you went lefty-loosey instead of righty-tighty, we could all die. Let me just put this in the garage.
Eric: Wait, but Dad...
Kitty: No, no, honey, honey, your father's right, it's not safe. We'll let Bob start it later.
Red: [after opening up the garage door and finding a police car there] WHAT DID YOU DO! WHY, WHY, WHY, IS IT ALWAYS MY HOUSE!
Hyde: Do you really want to know or do you want to just keep yelling?
Red: I WANT TO KEEP YELLING!! I don't care whose fault it is, just get that thing out of here, now.
Kelso: Yes sir. [Kelso goes into the car]
Red: All right, everybody, show's over. Let's go in the house.
Eric: But Dad, the lawnmower. I fixed the lawnmower, You've got to see. [Sees Kelso backing up and about to hit the lawnmower] KELSO WAIT! [Kelso destroys the lawnmower]
Hyde: Hey look Fez, just like your frog.
Red: Ah, well. It was broken anyway.
Eric: No, It wasn't. I fixed it. Mom you believe me, don't you.
Kitty: Of course I do, honey. I believe that you believed you fixed it.
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Eric, Hyde, and Kelso have a Circle while raiding the police academy's main office]
Eric: These samples are way better than our samples. You see how I sniffed them out? I could so be a police dog!
Kelso: [wear dog training collar] Cool, training collar. You know, I so don't get how they think I could be a stooge. Am I so on top of everything? What does this thing do? [presses button and gets shocked] AAH!
Hyde: Give me that, Kelso, you're gonna hurt yourself.
Eric: These samples are way better than our samples. You see how I sniffed them out? I could so be a police dog!
Kelso: [wear dog training collar] Cool, training collar. You know, I so don't get how they think I could be a stooge. Am I so on top of everything? What does this thing do? [presses button and gets shocked] AAH!
Hyde: Give me that, Kelso, you're gonna hurt yourself.
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Red is teaching American history to Fez so he can pass the INS greencard exam]
Red: What was President Dwight D. Eisenhower's greatest achievement?
Fez: He led the Allies to victory in World War II and sent those jack-booted Nazi bastards home to cry in their sauerkraut.
Red: I didn't understand a word you said, but I heard "Nazi bastards" and that's good enough for me.
Red: What was President Dwight D. Eisenhower's greatest achievement?
Fez: He led the Allies to victory in World War II and sent those jack-booted Nazi bastards home to cry in their sauerkraut.
Red: I didn't understand a word you said, but I heard "Nazi bastards" and that's good enough for me.
TV Show: That '70s Show