That '70s Show Quotes
[Kitty catches Hyde and Jackie kissing.]
Kitty: Oh, good God. You kids switch partners more than square dancers!
Hyde: No, it's not what you think. We're not together.
Kitty: Then what's going on in my kitchen?
Jackie: Eric's in California! [Kitty leaves the kitchen.]
Hyde: Jackie, you just totally burned Foreman. That is so badass. [They go back to kissing]
Kitty: Oh, good God. You kids switch partners more than square dancers!
Hyde: No, it's not what you think. We're not together.
Kitty: Then what's going on in my kitchen?
Jackie: Eric's in California! [Kitty leaves the kitchen.]
Hyde: Jackie, you just totally burned Foreman. That is so badass. [They go back to kissing]
TV Show: That '70s Show
[After Eric brings up Luke Skywalker to a conversation about getting Donna in California]
Red: Oh, would you stop! Luke Skywalker this, Luke Skywalker that, I'm sick and tired of hearing about that little fruit!
Eric: Luke Skywalker is NOT!!!...He and Leia clearly-I... [calms down] Mom, Dad. This is important.
Red: No. No California. You know what's important?: School. You're gonna be a senior, and you need to buckle down.
Kitty: Luke Skywalker would have buckled down.
Red: Oh, would you stop! Luke Skywalker this, Luke Skywalker that, I'm sick and tired of hearing about that little fruit!
Eric: Luke Skywalker is NOT!!!...He and Leia clearly-I... [calms down] Mom, Dad. This is important.
Red: No. No California. You know what's important?: School. You're gonna be a senior, and you need to buckle down.
Kitty: Luke Skywalker would have buckled down.
TV Show: That '70s Show
[During a circle, where the issue of Eric trying to convince Bob out of enrolling Donna in a Catholic school is discussed]
Eric: It's true. I'm gonna march over there and talk to Bob... I love a good march. My birthday's in March, then it's on to April. April Showers. Oh, The Seduction Of Eric Forman, starring the insatiable April Showers! [laughs]
Eric: It's true. I'm gonna march over there and talk to Bob... I love a good march. My birthday's in March, then it's on to April. April Showers. Oh, The Seduction Of Eric Forman, starring the insatiable April Showers! [laughs]
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Eric and Donna walk in on Jackie and Hyde kissing.]
Donna: What the hell!
Jackie: Oh, my God.
Eric: I'm blind!
Jackie: Get off me! [pushes Hyde away]
Hyde: [to Donna] Great outfit.
Jackie: So, yeah. What exactly did you guys see?
Eric: You, him, hands, tongues. It was horrible!
Donna: You were like Siamese twins joined at the beard.
Donna: What the hell!
Jackie: Oh, my God.
Eric: I'm blind!
Jackie: Get off me! [pushes Hyde away]
Hyde: [to Donna] Great outfit.
Jackie: So, yeah. What exactly did you guys see?
Eric: You, him, hands, tongues. It was horrible!
Donna: You were like Siamese twins joined at the beard.
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Eric confronts Red in the garage over being shallow about Kitty's revelation of being pregnant]
Eric: Hey, I was just inside with Mom and she's really upset. I just want to know...what's your problem?
Red: [turns to Eric] You made me bald.
Eric: What?
Red: Five generations...not one bald head in my family. Then you came along, and - Well, look at it! [shows off baldness] Children make me bald. [goes back to car]
Eric: You know what, wear a hat. [Red turns around] 'Cause Mom is really scared, and she could really use a little damn support right now. And I don't usually tell you what to do 'cause you usually do the right thing, but this time, you didn't. You know how you're always telling me to be a man? Well, be a man! [walks back to house, but faces Red again] I made you bald? You made me skinny!
Eric: Hey, I was just inside with Mom and she's really upset. I just want to know...what's your problem?
Red: [turns to Eric] You made me bald.
Eric: What?
Red: Five generations...not one bald head in my family. Then you came along, and - Well, look at it! [shows off baldness] Children make me bald. [goes back to car]
Eric: You know what, wear a hat. [Red turns around] 'Cause Mom is really scared, and she could really use a little damn support right now. And I don't usually tell you what to do 'cause you usually do the right thing, but this time, you didn't. You know how you're always telling me to be a man? Well, be a man! [walks back to house, but faces Red again] I made you bald? You made me skinny!
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Having seen Hyde kiss Jackie at the garage, Eric and Donna try to make Kelso not see it]
Kelso: No but I want a peanut butter and banana-[sees Hyde and Jackie; laughs] Why is Hyde kissing Jackie? [sees Eric and Donna's stares] What the hell? He's dead! [tries to walk out of kitchen]
Kelso: No but I want a peanut butter and banana-[sees Hyde and Jackie; laughs] Why is Hyde kissing Jackie? [sees Eric and Donna's stares] What the hell? He's dead! [tries to walk out of kitchen]
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Kelso is angry at Eric and Donna for not telling him about Hyde and Jackie]
Kelso: I can't believe that you knew that Jackie and Hyde were together and you didn't tell me.
Eric: We...barely knew.
Donna: Yeah, we knew, but we were in denial because it's so unnatural.
Eric: Like radioactive spiders.
Kelso: Well, that's true. It's just, how could Hyde do this to me?
[Kitty and Fez walk down the stairs.]
Kitty: Uh-oh, sounds like he knows.
Fez: Finally.
Kelso: What, your mom knew?! And Fez?! Fez never knows anything!
Kelso: I can't believe that you knew that Jackie and Hyde were together and you didn't tell me.
Eric: We...barely knew.
Donna: Yeah, we knew, but we were in denial because it's so unnatural.
Eric: Like radioactive spiders.
Kelso: Well, that's true. It's just, how could Hyde do this to me?
[Kitty and Fez walk down the stairs.]
Kitty: Uh-oh, sounds like he knows.
Fez: Finally.
Kelso: What, your mom knew?! And Fez?! Fez never knows anything!
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Kitty talks to her mother about entering menopause]
Kitty: Did it hit you this hard too?
Bea Sigurdson: Did what, dear?
Kitty: Menopause.
Bea: Ohhh...I never had it.
Kitty: Mom, everybody has it.
Bea: Well, I've always been quite health-conscious. I told you to eat more vegetables!
Kitty: You cannot expect me to believe that you never went through menopause.
Bea: Well, I didn't.
Kitty: Yes, you did!
Bea: Well, it doesn't matter because it's not nice to talk about.
Kitty: Not everything that needs to be talked about has to be nice. Mom, why wouldn't you ever really talk to me?
Bea: I told you I liked your cookies! I'm gonna find your father. [leaves kitchen] BURT!
Kitty: Did it hit you this hard too?
Bea Sigurdson: Did what, dear?
Kitty: Menopause.
Bea: Ohhh...I never had it.
Kitty: Mom, everybody has it.
Bea: Well, I've always been quite health-conscious. I told you to eat more vegetables!
Kitty: You cannot expect me to believe that you never went through menopause.
Bea: Well, I didn't.
Kitty: Yes, you did!
Bea: Well, it doesn't matter because it's not nice to talk about.
Kitty: Not everything that needs to be talked about has to be nice. Mom, why wouldn't you ever really talk to me?
Bea: I told you I liked your cookies! I'm gonna find your father. [leaves kitchen] BURT!
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Eric and Donna talk about bad taste at the Forman living room]
Donna: Well, I think this whole room is a great example of bad taste. [Kitty and Red just walked in]
Kitty: Excuse me?
Donna: Uh, Mrs Forman-
Kitty: I have spent years picking every item in this room so that I would be surrounded by the things that I love and the people I thought loved me.
Red: Hey, Kitty, how about a nap?
Kitty: [snaps at Red] And you, [picks up TV remote control] have you fixed the damn clicker yet? What good is a clicker if it won't click?!? [stomps at remote]
Donna: Well, I think this whole room is a great example of bad taste. [Kitty and Red just walked in]
Kitty: Excuse me?
Donna: Uh, Mrs Forman-
Kitty: I have spent years picking every item in this room so that I would be surrounded by the things that I love and the people I thought loved me.
Red: Hey, Kitty, how about a nap?
Kitty: [snaps at Red] And you, [picks up TV remote control] have you fixed the damn clicker yet? What good is a clicker if it won't click?!? [stomps at remote]
TV Show: That '70s Show
Kitty: Boys, um, um, I realize that, uh, I may have been a little irrational today.
Kelso: A little?
Kitty: SHUT UP! So, um, maybe now is a good time for me to explain a few things to you about menopause. And, uh, lucky for you, I'm a nurse, so I can use the proper terms, like "epithelial lining" and "uterine wall."
Fez: I'm hooked.
Kelso: A little?
Kitty: SHUT UP! So, um, maybe now is a good time for me to explain a few things to you about menopause. And, uh, lucky for you, I'm a nurse, so I can use the proper terms, like "epithelial lining" and "uterine wall."
Fez: I'm hooked.
TV Show: That '70s Show
Kitty: You know who had a real family? The Waltons. We're just three strangers sitting in a room! [Runs out of room crying]
Eric: Donna loves it there. I don't know what to do.
Red: There's nothing any of us can do. We're all screwed. You think I like being stuck here...nursing my lunatic wife back from the brink? Hell, no. But we can't control what happens to us. Even if, by some stroke of luck, you actually hang on to Donna...eventually, she's gonna turn into that [Kitty]. And then, a few years later, you'll die.
Eric: Good. Thanks for the bedtime story.
Eric: Donna loves it there. I don't know what to do.
Red: There's nothing any of us can do. We're all screwed. You think I like being stuck here...nursing my lunatic wife back from the brink? Hell, no. But we can't control what happens to us. Even if, by some stroke of luck, you actually hang on to Donna...eventually, she's gonna turn into that [Kitty]. And then, a few years later, you'll die.
Eric: Good. Thanks for the bedtime story.
TV Show: That '70s Show
Red: Kitty, I know these past few weeks have been hard on you, hard on all of us really.
[Kitty glares at Red
Red: But especially hard on you. I mean since you found out you were . . .
Kitty: Just say it Red, barren!
Red: Well there's no reason for both of us to say it. So I got something to cheer my girl up.
Kitty: Oh good, cause I finished off the last bottle this morning.
Red: No, no. I got you a puppy.
[Red holds up a Dachshund]
Red: He needs somebody to take car of him. His? mother got run over by a car.
Kitty: Did you run over a dog, Red?!
[Kitty glares at Red
Red: But especially hard on you. I mean since you found out you were . . .
Kitty: Just say it Red, barren!
Red: Well there's no reason for both of us to say it. So I got something to cheer my girl up.
Kitty: Oh good, cause I finished off the last bottle this morning.
Red: No, no. I got you a puppy.
[Red holds up a Dachshund]
Red: He needs somebody to take car of him. His? mother got run over by a car.
Kitty: Did you run over a dog, Red?!
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Eric just bought a gift for Donna]
Hyde: So, Forman, you finally broke down, huh? What'd you get her? Earrings? A little bracelet?
Eric: No, I got her way more than a piece of jewelry. I got her a gift that really says something - a diamond engagement ring.
Kelso: As a joke?
Eric: No, you guys, I'm gonna ask Donna to marry me.
Kelso: As a joke?
Hyde: So, Forman, you finally broke down, huh? What'd you get her? Earrings? A little bracelet?
Eric: No, I got her way more than a piece of jewelry. I got her a gift that really says something - a diamond engagement ring.
Kelso: As a joke?
Eric: No, you guys, I'm gonna ask Donna to marry me.
Kelso: As a joke?
TV Show: That '70s Show
Kitty: Eric, honey, could you get the Thanksgiving turkey out of the freezer? Oh, wait. It's a 20-pounder. Donna, could you get the Thanksgiving turkey out of the freezer?
TV Show: That '70s Show
Eric: [To Schatzi] Hey Schatzi, stay away from my witch sister. Her and her witch friends have been known to sacrifice small animals. Oh, and possibly that one asthmatic neighbor boy.
Kitty: Eric, little Wally moved away.
Eric: A six-year-old moved away? His parents still live in that house!
Kitty: Eric, little Wally moved away.
Eric: A six-year-old moved away? His parents still live in that house!
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Kitty just told Red and Eric about Jackie's father being arrested for bribery]
Red: Well, I’m glad. That guy makes Republicans look like a bunch of crooks and greedy businessmen.
Eric: [sarcastically] Thank God for the honest ones like Richard Nixon, huh?
Red: What did you say?
Eric: Nixon was framed and Kennedy was a commie!
Red: That's right.
Red: Well, I’m glad. That guy makes Republicans look like a bunch of crooks and greedy businessmen.
Eric: [sarcastically] Thank God for the honest ones like Richard Nixon, huh?
Red: What did you say?
Eric: Nixon was framed and Kennedy was a commie!
Red: That's right.
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Kelso's playing with his BB gun]
Eric: Watch the gun, Cool Hand Luke.
Kelso: [stands up] Relax. Guns don’t just go off by accident.
Donna: Oh really? What about Eric’s fourth-grade hamster, Snowball?
Eric: What? No, Snowball didn’t get shot. He went upstate to live with a nice farm family. [catches on] You shot Snowball?!!
Kelso: The gun went off by accident!
Eric: Watch the gun, Cool Hand Luke.
Kelso: [stands up] Relax. Guns don’t just go off by accident.
Donna: Oh really? What about Eric’s fourth-grade hamster, Snowball?
Eric: What? No, Snowball didn’t get shot. He went upstate to live with a nice farm family. [catches on] You shot Snowball?!!
Kelso: The gun went off by accident!
TV Show: That '70s Show
Eric: Ground me.
Red: What?
Eric: I am not strong enough. If I'm gonna shake this Donna thing, I am gonna need some serious discipline. Please ground me.
Red: You got it, pal. You're grounded!
Eric: One more thing. Donna's in the kitchen; I need you to get rid of her for me.
Red: Do I have to be nice about it?
Eric: No.
Red: This is the happiest day of my life.
Red: What?
Eric: I am not strong enough. If I'm gonna shake this Donna thing, I am gonna need some serious discipline. Please ground me.
Red: You got it, pal. You're grounded!
Eric: One more thing. Donna's in the kitchen; I need you to get rid of her for me.
Red: Do I have to be nice about it?
Eric: No.
Red: This is the happiest day of my life.
TV Show: That '70s Show
Eric and Donna are at the Hub talking about Eric's low S.A.T. score.
Eric: Hey Donna! I got an 800. We're lucky I can wash myself.
Eric: Hey Donna! I got an 800. We're lucky I can wash myself.
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Red dreams of winning the canoe competition at the Battle of the Network Stars]
Kelso: [as announcer] And the canoeing champion for this year's Battle of the Network Stars is...Red Forman!
Jamie Farr: My team! [presents trophy to Red]
Red Forman: Thanks, Jamie Farr, and I'd like to give a special thanks to Ed Asner. Ed, thanks for paddling your canoe like a girl. Where's your spunk now, you big pansy? [laughs holding trophy high]
Kelso: [as announcer] And the canoeing champion for this year's Battle of the Network Stars is...Red Forman!
Jamie Farr: My team! [presents trophy to Red]
Red Forman: Thanks, Jamie Farr, and I'd like to give a special thanks to Ed Asner. Ed, thanks for paddling your canoe like a girl. Where's your spunk now, you big pansy? [laughs holding trophy high]
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Kitty gives Red Belgian waffles for breakfast]
Kitty: Here you go Red, Belgian waffles.
Eric: What's so Belgian about them?
Red: They crumbled at the hands of the Nazis.
Kitty: Here you go Red, Belgian waffles.
Eric: What's so Belgian about them?
Red: They crumbled at the hands of the Nazis.
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Kitty, Red and the gang catches Eric and Donna having sex on the kitchen table]
Kitty: OH MY GOD!
Donna: Oh my God!
Hyde: Alright! It's Donna's butt!
Red: DAMN IT!! That's where I eat dinner!
Kitty: OH MY GOD!
Donna: Oh my God!
Hyde: Alright! It's Donna's butt!
Red: DAMN IT!! That's where I eat dinner!
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Annette's behavior when she is with Kelso is strangely familiar to Eric and Donna]
Eric: Did you hear that? The shrill voice, the bossy tone, the random hatred of all things that bounce. Oh my God, she’s Jackie.
Donna: A new Jackie.
Eric: A blonde Jackie.
Eric and Donna: Blackie!!!
[a dramatic chord plays]
Fez: We’re doomed!
Eric: Did you hear that? The shrill voice, the bossy tone, the random hatred of all things that bounce. Oh my God, she’s Jackie.
Donna: A new Jackie.
Eric: A blonde Jackie.
Eric and Donna: Blackie!!!
[a dramatic chord plays]
Fez: We’re doomed!
TV Show: That '70s Show
[at the hospital, Red sees a sad Kitty]
Red: Kitty, how’s Burt?
Kitty: I don’t know how to say this. Daddy’s gone to a better place.
Kelso: Good, 'cause this hospital sucks! [Red, Kitty, and the gang look at him] What? [comes to conclusion] Ohhh! [whispers to Hyde] This hospital sucks.
Red: Kitty, how’s Burt?
Kitty: I don’t know how to say this. Daddy’s gone to a better place.
Kelso: Good, 'cause this hospital sucks! [Red, Kitty, and the gang look at him] What? [comes to conclusion] Ohhh! [whispers to Hyde] This hospital sucks.
TV Show: That '70s Show
Bea: So what were you saying dear?
Eric: [sitting next to Donna] Well I was just saying that, I'm getting married!
Bea: Oh honey! How wonderful! So who's the lucky girl?
Eric: [nods to his right] Umm, Donna.
Bea: Well I guess this is a small town. [she exits]
Donna: What the hell did that mean?
Eric: That my friend is the seldom heard but much feared grandma burn. Your only warning is the jingle of costume jewelry and the overpowering scent of Bengay.
Eric: [sitting next to Donna] Well I was just saying that, I'm getting married!
Bea: Oh honey! How wonderful! So who's the lucky girl?
Eric: [nods to his right] Umm, Donna.
Bea: Well I guess this is a small town. [she exits]
Donna: What the hell did that mean?
Eric: That my friend is the seldom heard but much feared grandma burn. Your only warning is the jingle of costume jewelry and the overpowering scent of Bengay.
TV Show: That '70s Show
Jackie: You know what? Maybe I do have feelings for Michael. But what am I supposed to do, he was my first boyfriend! And you know what, you're going to have to learn to deal with it, and if you can't, and you're going to have to break up with me because of that, then I can't stop you. But I think it's a real waste because I love you!
Hyde: ...I'm not saying it back!
Hyde: ...I'm not saying it back!
TV Show: That '70s Show
Jackie: See, I think it’s stupid that Eric and Donna need to practice being married. I mean, it’s simple. The woman just needs to be a cook in the kitchen, a maid in the living room, and an acrobat in the bedroom. And I can hire a cook and a maid.
Hyde: I'm liking you more and more.
Hyde: I'm liking you more and more.
TV Show: That '70s Show
Eric: Kelso, I need to use your bathroom.
Kelso: Nope, there's nobody here. Of course, I can't see people who don't have parties for their friends and maybe there is somebody here and I just can't see him. I CAN'T SEE YOU, ERIC.
Eric: I really need to use the bathroom.
Fez: Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you kicked us out of Donna's house, you party-pooper.
Kelso: Yeah.
Fez: No party, no pooper.
Kelso: [chuckles] Nice.
Fez: Yeah, it really was. No party, no pooper. [Kelso and Fez slam the door shut.]
Kelso: Nope, there's nobody here. Of course, I can't see people who don't have parties for their friends and maybe there is somebody here and I just can't see him. I CAN'T SEE YOU, ERIC.
Eric: I really need to use the bathroom.
Fez: Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you kicked us out of Donna's house, you party-pooper.
Kelso: Yeah.
Fez: No party, no pooper.
Kelso: [chuckles] Nice.
Fez: Yeah, it really was. No party, no pooper. [Kelso and Fez slam the door shut.]
TV Show: That '70s Show
[The gang is watching Red scream through the screen door. Kelso has just walked in]
Kelso: Sorry I'm late but I was cutting through backyards and the Hendersons got a new jungle gym. Woah, he's still yelling?
Eric: Yeah, I'm trying to read Red's lips but I can't make it out. He keeps calling me a stupid duck.
[Jackie looks at Hyde in disbelief. Eric finally gets it]
Eric: [Snaps his fingers.] Ahhh.
Kelso: Hey I'll go spy on them. I just need to run home and change into my ninja outfit,
Eric: I don't think this situation calls for camouflage, Kelso.
Kelso: Well doesn't mean it's not fun to wear, Eric.
Kelso: Sorry I'm late but I was cutting through backyards and the Hendersons got a new jungle gym. Woah, he's still yelling?
Eric: Yeah, I'm trying to read Red's lips but I can't make it out. He keeps calling me a stupid duck.
[Jackie looks at Hyde in disbelief. Eric finally gets it]
Eric: [Snaps his fingers.] Ahhh.
Kelso: Hey I'll go spy on them. I just need to run home and change into my ninja outfit,
Eric: I don't think this situation calls for camouflage, Kelso.
Kelso: Well doesn't mean it's not fun to wear, Eric.
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Fez reports to the gang about sleeping with Nina]
Jackie: No way, Fez I can’t believe you finally lost your virginity.
Eric: Wait, this isn’t like the time you bought a hamster, named it Virginity and then lost it, is it?
Fez: No, this is the real thing.
Kelso: I had a hamster once. Tied him to a helium balloon with a note. He made it all the way to Minnesota.
Eric: Alive?
Kelso: No, I’m gonna send a dead hamster up in a balloon.
Jackie: No way, Fez I can’t believe you finally lost your virginity.
Eric: Wait, this isn’t like the time you bought a hamster, named it Virginity and then lost it, is it?
Fez: No, this is the real thing.
Kelso: I had a hamster once. Tied him to a helium balloon with a note. He made it all the way to Minnesota.
Eric: Alive?
Kelso: No, I’m gonna send a dead hamster up in a balloon.
TV Show: That '70s Show