That '70s Show Quotes

Kelso: [repeated line] You know what your problem is? I'm too good looking.

TV Show: That '70s Show
Eric: Hey, Hyde, remember how you kept bringing it up, when Kelso nailed my sister. I never understood why, but now I get it. It’s fun! So guess what — Kelso nailed your sister! Oh, and another thing... Kelso nailed your sister.
Hyde: Shut up, you little twizzler!
Eric: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Kelso nailed your sister!

TV Show: That '70s Show
Fez: Hey Eric, what do you do when you have two pieces of wood and want them to stick together?
Eric: Oh, you nail it! It's easy, it's kinda like how Kelso nailed Hyde's sister.
Fez: But I don't think I have a piece of wood as slutty as Hyde's sister.
Hyde: You been working on that a while?
Eric: About as long as Kelso's been working on your sister.

TV Show: That '70s Show
[Kitty is sifting for records at Hyde and Angie's music store, Grooves]
Kitty: Steven, I can’t believe you thought I’d like these Sex Pistols. [returns copy of Never Mind the Bollocks LP to Hyde]
Hyde: I’m sorry Mrs. Forman, [sighs] I’ll make it up to you. Have you ever heard of a band called Judas Priest?
Kitty: Well that’s what Judas needed, a priest [laughs and looks at record] Are they spiritual?
Hyde: I listen to them every Sunday.

TV Show: That '70s Show
[Hyde confronts Jackie over her attending a bridal fair with Fez]
Hyde: Jackie, what the hell where you thinking?
Jackie: Look, Steven, I know it’s a crazy thing to do, its just ... I kno-I wanted to know what it was like to be planning a life and a wedding and everything, I mean, that’s all I’ve ever wanted ... And I was starting to think it was never gonna happen with you.
Hyde: [puts hands by face] Are we back on this again [faces her] Why can’t you just be happy with what we’ve got?
Jackie: BECAUSE I’M NOT!, [voice breaking] Steven ... okay, look, I need to know that we have a future together ... Can’t you just give me some kind of sign or just a tiny glimmer of hope that maybe someday we’ll get married?
Hyde: Jackie? I don’t know.
Jackie: That’s all you ever say. Please Steven, please just say anything besides I don’t know. Anything else.
Hyde: I don’t know...[looks down]
Jackie: Well then I can’t be with you anymore.
Hyde: Jackie, don’t threaten me, okay? It’s not gonna work.
Jackie: I’m not threatening you, Steven, I can’t waste anymore of my time on you if it’s not gonna. happen for us ... Okay, well, at least now I know.

TV Show: That '70s Show
[Having been given money by Red to buy a jersey, Eric comes back to the stands wearing a Chicago Bears jersey, amidst a sea of Packers fans]
Red: Eric, how the hell can you wear a Bears jersey at a Packer game?
Donna: Okay, maybe he doesn't understand why it's wrong. Let me tell you in a way how you can understand. The Packers are like the Jedi, and you're wearing a Go Darth Vader jersey.
Eric: Uh, that's ridiculous. The Jedi don't play football. They play manu-Ka.
Hyde: Forman, this is worse than when you wore the Air Supply t-shirt to the Aerosmith concert.
Red: For God sakes, will you just take the damn jersey off?
Eric: No. You know what? I like rooting for the underdog, okay? I am the underdog in real life. I like Charlie Brown. I like the little engine that could. I like the Bears.

TV Show: That '70s Show
[Red and Kitty see a pajama-clad Eric appear for breakfast]
Red: Have you been in bed all day?
Eric: Yeah, I have. I've been reading the Jack Kerouac classic On The Road. See, as I see it, why get out of bed when you can read about people who got outta bed?
Red: You have got to be the laziest non-Communist I've ever met. And you are about to read a book that my foot wrote. It's called On The Road To In Your Ass.

TV Show: That '70s Show
[Red, Kitty, Donna, and Kelso find Eric's Vista Cruiser, abandoned]
Kelso: Okay, we’re gonna use my Police Academy training to figure out what happened here ... first thing I’m gonna need is for everyone to lie face down with your hands behind your head.
Kitty: What if he stopped to take a picture and he got kidnapped by white slavers? They’re gonna kill him, he can't do anything!
Red: I told him this was a stupid idea and now were stuck out here in the middle of nowhere ... my foot is shaking it wants to kick his ass so bad. [Kitty shakes head]
Donna: [walks to Kitty and Red] I never should have let Eric go on this trip ... I should have tempted him into staying home by offering him sex [Kitty and Red look at her] ... I mean, scrabble.
Kitty: Oh, look, if my baby being safe depended on you being loose, I wouldn’t have to worry [Donna’s eyes open wide]
Kelso: [after analyzing car] Okay, I think it’s obvious [stands] what happened to Eric ... [points around] we got an abandoned car, a flat tire, and footprints heading off in that direction. Mrs. Forman, your son’s been kidnapped by coyotes. [Donna, Kitty, and Red are not satisfied with his analysis]
Red: Isn’t it more likely that he had a flat tire, couldn’t change it himself and went off to find some help.
Kelso: And the coyotes got him along the way. Yeah, now you're thinking like a cop.

TV Show: That '70s Show
[At a truck stop, Eric worries about how to pay his bill with Leo]
Eric: I can’t believe I’m stuck in a backwoods truck stop with no money. You know if we don’t do something, this waitress is just gonna hand us over to these truckers. You know, they’re all freaky, sexual deviants. Man, women, animal-they don’t care as long as it’s warm [drinks]
Leo: Don’t worry, man, I’ve got an idea how we can pay for this dinner. [at Circle in storeroom] That was a good idea...now how are we gonna pay for dinner?
Waitress: [smiling] I think this pretty much covers your tab, but if you're interested, dessert's on me. [clicks tongue]
Leo: In that case [laughs] you’d better soak your uniform in club soda.
Eric: You see? What an awesome night. I am partying in the back of a truck stop with a hippie and a waitress...who are now making out...wow, the fact that I’m here is ... not slowing them down at all ... [laughs but is disgusted at what the waitress just did] good, God, woman, you buttered my toast with that hand!

TV Show: That '70s Show
Kitty: We can't compete with a bunch of cars. Wheels are like bosoms to men... and a car has four.

TV Show: That '70s Show
[Fez takes a bottle out of Kelso's baby bag.]
Kelso: Don't touch that! It's breast milk!
Fez: Breast milk... from real breasts? [looks at Donna's chest] What don't they do?

TV Show: That '70s Show
[Eric tries to explain a career choice the school suggested for him to Red, Kitty, and Donna]
Eric: Okay, there's this program, where you teach impoverished children for a year, and they pay for your college! I signed up!
Donna: Eric that’s perfect!
Kitty: That’s wonderful!
Red: See, I knew spending your college money would work out for the best. [smiles] You’re welcome.
Kitty: So, what impoverished area will you go to? [gasps] Is it east Milwaukee? [looks at Red for a second] I made a wrong turn there once and I ended up in an awful neighborhood...there were kids playing radios on a street corner. [Red shakes his head]
Eric: [smiling] No, I’m not going to Milwaukee.
Donna: So, where then?
Eric: Africa!
Kitty: Africa, Wisconsin?

TV Show: That '70s Show
[Hyde's father summons Hyde and Jackie to his office and explain something]
William Barnett: Steven, I’m moving Angie to Milwaukee to get her away from the costumers. I love my little girl but you’re the one who should be running that store, so [pats Hyde on shoulder] its yours. [returns to desk]
Hyde: Wow [walks forward, Jackie follows] Uh, thanks man.
Jackie: OH, MY GOD!! I OWN A RECORD STORE!!
Hyde: No, I own a record store.
Barnett: Actually, I own a record store.
Jackie: I OWN ONE-THIRD OF A RECORD STORE!! [giggles]
Barnett: Moving Angie here is gonna work out for everybody. See, I just got into this real snotty country club and they don’t think I’m gonna be there much but I’m gonna be there all day everyday and I’m bringing friends so I need somebody around here looking after things...while I’m out making white people uncomfortable.

TV Show: That '70s Show
Eric: It used to be where you had to buy a girl dinner before she would slide all over you, moaning like a ghost.

TV Show: That '70s Show
[Eric receives a call]
Eric: Hello?
Jackie: Hey, Eric? It's Jackie.
Eric: Uh-huh.
Jackie: Look, I just realized you're about to leave for Africa, and I won't get a chance to say good-bye in person. That makes me sad. I mean, you've always been very special to me.
Eric: Okay, Jackie, if there's a gun to your head, say the word cream cheese.
Jackie: No, Eric, I'm just gonna miss you is all, okay? So just take care of yourself in Africa.
Eric: Okay. I will. Wait, you want to talk to who? You want to tell him you love him? Well, I don't know. You guys didn't really leave on the best of terms. Okay. Dad, telephone!

TV Show: That '70s Show
[Red and Kitty scold Eric, Hyde, Fez and Kelso after Red discovers the Circle]
Red: I can't believe that is what you idiots have been doing in my basement all these years! I wish I had 2,000 feet, so I could put 500 of them in each of your asses!
Kitty: I'm shocked. The basement door closes, and out come the lighters and the drugs, and I am sure Donna's bouncing around there without a bra! It's like Amsterdam down there!
Red: [to Fez]Did someone shove a vacuum up your nose and suck out your last and lonely brain cell?
[Fez pretends to grab Kitty's breast]
Kitty: What is going on in your head? I am so disappointed in you boys. And here I thought it was my dryer that made our clothes smell funny.
[Hyde tilts his head in a high stupor and drools at a Twinkie on the cabinet next to Red]
Red: Who taught you how to do this? Huh? Was it those damn Beatles? All you need is love? All you need is a job and a haircut!
[Red scolds Kelso and points to him]
Red: And you! [Kelso imagines Kitty's and Red's heads switching each other's bodies while high] Wipe that stupid smirk off you, dopey, dope-fiend face!
Kitty: Do you know what drugs do to you? They shrink your brain until one day you wake up, and you think you're superman and you can fly, and then you wind up jumping off the roof in your underpants.
Red: Oh, this idiot doesn't need drugs for that. He does that every Saturday. [Kelso laughs and nods] Well, this is the worst thing that you have ever done! Eric, I am gonna make you... I am going to... well, I can't think of anything worse than sending you to Africa. You're going to Africa!

TV Show: That '70s Show
Red: [catching Kitty smoking the gang's stash in the bathroom]): What do you have to say for yourself?
Kitty: I'M STARVING!

TV Show: That '70s Show
[Kelso, Fez, and Donna forgot to bring beer. Charlie gives them a six-pack]
Kelso: How much do we love this guy?
Fez: He's a prince!
Donna: Charlie, it is so awesome hanging out with you.
Charlie: Ah thanks guys, it feels so good to finally belong to something you know. It's like the first day of the rest of my life! [ leans against the railing, which breaks] WHOOHOO!
Fez: THE BEER! [gang looks down and hears a thud]
Donna: That was a pretty awkward landing...I hope he's okay.
Kelso: Of course he's okay. It's not like anyone ever died falling off the water tower.
Kitty: [narrating to tape recorder, in kitchen]...And so they renamed it the Charlie Richardson Memorial Water Tower.

TV Show: That '70s Show
[Jackie tries to hit on Donna's date, who walks away]
Jackie: [rants off at bar patrons] Ah come back here! Nobody ignores Jerky Backhart! I am adorable! I am engaging and I'm DAMN likeable. And if you're too stupid to see that, then I feel sorry for you! [her dress slips off her shoulder] 'Cause if anyone should be the center of attention here, it's me.
Donna: Jackie! [tries to cover Jackie up]
Jackie: Get off me! [Donna whispers something in her ear] What the hell is a "boobs out"? [looks down] AAARRGGHHHH!!!!

TV Show: That '70s Show
[Kelso and Fez talk about Hyde]
Kelso: I still can't believe our little Hyde went off and married a Las Vegas stripper.
Fez: Yeah. Now we have to get him a present. What says "congratulations on your wedding and I want to nail your wife"?
Kelso: Oooooooh we should get him one of those big electric knives! Those suckers will cut right through your hand.

TV Show: That '70s Show
Kelso: I can't believe it's our last circle together. Wait... Oh! Now I know why we called it a circle! Thats freaking awesome!

TV Show: That '70s Show
Kelso: Jacqueline Burkhart, will you marry me?
Jackie: Oh, Michael, no!
Kelso: No?
Jackie: No!
Kelso: Jackie, you just made me the happiest man on earth! I cant believe I wanted to marry you! That was my worst idea ever! And I had some really bad ideas. I mean, a Firecracker Suit — come on! What the hell was THAT?!?
Hyde: The best fourth of June ever, that's what.

TV Show: That '70s Show
Donna: I want to send Eric some sexy photos.
Sam: Sure. I have some in the car. Want me to go get them?

TV Show: That '70s Show
Fez: First, let me grab your melons.
Jackie: Ooh, aren't they nice and firm?
Fez: Yeah, here grab my banana.
Jackie: Ooh, it's so big.
Don Knotts: Okay, you perverts, stop it right now! Fruit salad again? Why can't they ever be having sex?

TV Show: That '70s Show
[At a veterans' reunion, Red is flustered that Leo is actually a World War II veteran despite his hippie appearance]
Red: I can't believe Leo is a veteran. I don't know whether to like him a little more or like myself a little less.
Bob: Red, this was supposed to be your special night. We should be the ones over there getting free drinks.
Red: "We"?
Bob: I spent all my money on this costume.
Red: [walks up to Leo] So Leo, what exactly did you do in the war? I mean, just besides drive a supply truck.
Veteran: Just drive a supply truck?! Leo, did you tell them what you did?
Leo: Nah. It's embarrassing.
Veteran: You gotta tell 'm!
Leo: All right. I peed on Jane Fonda.
Veteran: Leo here drove his truck right into a German tank formation and rescued an entire platoon.
Bob: Really?!
Veteran: Didn't you get a medal for that?
Leo: Yeah. I forget what it was called, but it was shaped like a purple heart.
Red: Damn Leo. I'm impressed [shakes Leo's hand] From one veteran to another, I'd like to buy you a drink.
Leo: Actually, I like to buy you a drink.
Bob: I'll take a drink.
Red: Sorry. This round is for men who fought for Uncle Sam, not spent the war hiding in their Uncle Sam's house.
Leo: Hey man, even if he didn't see action, he still deserves a drink.
Red: All right, fine.
Leo: Bartender, one Shirley Temple!

TV Show: That '70s Show
[The gang just 'kidnapped' Fatso the Clown]
Jackie: [entering the basement] So you guys-[screams] WHAT THE HELL IS THAT DOING HERE?!
Donna: We stole Fatso the Clown! And now we're gonna...uhm...what do we do with a stolen clown?
Hyde: [in starting a Circle] THIS is what we do with a stolen clown. Actually, this is what we do without a stolen clown. It always comes back to this.
Fatso: [Randy providing voice] Hohohohohohohoho. Thanks for bringing me here you guys!
Randy: So Fatso, now that you're free, is there anything we can do for ya?
Fatso: Huhuh yeah. Find me a really trashy clown-hooker with nice long legs and a pair of double D [honks horn].
Randy: I found this in the garage.
Fez: Oh Randy, you think you are so funny [sniggers] That was funny.
Jackie: Look at that freaky-ass clown. It's just staring at me...he doesn't even blink...
Donna: It's because he likes you. He loves you. He wants to marry you and then..KILL YOU! [Jackie screams loud]

TV Show: That '70s Show
[Jackie, Fez, and Randy scour Donna's room for ideas on a birthday gift. Jackie checks out Donna's diary]
Jackie: Oh my God Fez, listen to what Donna wrote, it's from a few weeks ago: "Hyde hired this new guy Randy at the record-store. And he's really cute." Donna thinks Randy is cute! Can you believe this?!
Fez: Jackie you shouldn't be reading that! [takes the diary and puts it in a drawer] It's a complete invasion of privacy. [fidgets with her mirror] Oh if I get just the right angle on this mirror...I can see Donna when she sleeps...

TV Show: That '70s Show
[Kitty is enraged that her friend Marcia is dating Fez]
Kitty: [making tequila from a blender] I can't believe Fez was seduced by that cradle-robbing slut. [hands the blender to Donna] You girls throw it around like football players, couldn't one of you have slept with him?
Donna: [drinking from the blender and giving it to Jackie] Mrs. Forman, you need to understand something. Fez is a deviant weirdo. We're just glad he is doing it with a person and not a couch a tree or my pillow.
Kitty: After all I have done for that boy, he has the nerve to say you're not my mother. If that's even what he said. Because...who can understand anything that comes out of that ungrateful marsh-mouth.
Jackie: [drinks] Wow. Fez and an older divorced woman. [hands the blender to Kitty] You know, if I were a divorced older woman, I would take everything from my ex-husband. SUFFER, YOU CHEATING BASTARD! Haa! Can't wait to be divorced.
Kitty: Well, if he doesn't want me mothering him, fine I'm done! Next Christmas, his stocking will not be hung by the chimney with care. It will be tossed in the garbage with...with...hair! [takes a sip] This place uses too much ice! [pours in the rest of the tequila]

TV Show: That '70s Show
[Donna is preparing to broadcast from Grooves]
Donna: You guys, the radio station asked me to host an on-air fundraiser for the Children's Library. A year ago I was doing the Farm Report and now it's gonna be Hot Donna all day long. That right. I'm gonna be referring to myself in the third person from now on.
Randy: Wait. You're not doing the Farm Report anymore? [makes hillbilly accent] Well how am I supposed to know if my corns-a-gonna grow?
Donna: And I told my boss, that I'm not getting off the air until I've raised 500 bucks. Which'll be easy, cause my fans do anything I say. Like, there was this one time, when I told everybody to get up and dance when I played Tear The Roof Off The Sucker. There was almost a riot at the prison!
Jackie: [sarcastic] Yeah. Thanks a lot Donna. My Dad had to hide under his bunk.

TV Show: That '70s Show
[Red and Kitty try to sleep, but couldn't do it with Hyde and Samantha arguing at Laurie's room]
Hyde: Why the hell did you turn the TV on?!
Sam: To drown out your snoring!
Hyde: I was snoring to drown out your talking!
Kitty: [gets up] Okay. I can't put up with those two fighting anymore. It's like living with a couple of Italians! [leaves room]
Red: Oh yeah. We moved two fighting morons into an adjacent room and now we can't sleep. Who could have seen this coming...

TV Show: That '70s Show