Only Fools and Horses Quotes

Raquel Rodney, you'll have to at least talk to her sooner or later. There'll be things to be discussed.
Del Boy: Yeah, like who gets custody of Barbie and Ken.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: (in the kitchen, talking to Rodney about why Raquel is sleeping in Rodney's bedroom) You don't get it, do you? You see Raquel, Raquel is a lady, and when a lady's ready to to... well when she's ready to, she will let me know.
Rodney: How?
Del Boy: She'll give me a sign.
Rodney: Like what?
Del Boy: I don't know?
Rodney: Maybe she'll put an advertisment in the "Sunday Sport", eh?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: Me wife doesn't love me, me mum's left me, and some bastard's nicked me bike.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: That's it! Finished! Kaput! That was her last chance!
Raquel: Good evening, Rodney.
Rodney: I have never been so insulted in my life!
Del Boy: Well sit down bruv, let me have a go!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Neighbour: Erm, it's gone midnight!
Del Boy: (waving his fist in a threatening manner) Well go back to bed then.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Look, is there anything I can do to help?
Rodney: Yes, piss off!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: Well thanks to you, my wife now thinks I'm having a passionate affair with the siren of the exhaust centre, AND you've offended my neighbours!
Woman: People are trying to sleep!
Rodney: SHUT UP!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Raquel: Hello Boycie. I suppose I've got to ask you in?
Boycie: Yes. I'd like to get away as quick as possible. I've left my Mercedes parked downstairs and you know what they're like on this estate. They'd have the wheels off a Jumbo if it flew too low.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: I feel like I've taken a mountain to Muhammad to find out he's already bloody got one

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Bronco: I am not a cowboy!
Boyce: Not a cowboy? I've got spur marks on my grandfather clock
Bronco: Nobodies ever called me that before, I am not a cowboy
Delboy: Bronco!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Raquel: The tour doesn't start for another three months.
Del Boy: Oh well, gives you plenty of time to meet more of them intelligent, sensitive actor people don't it?
Raquel: Derek, will you get it into your thick skull: I'm not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people, I'm happy with you!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: How many people can you see standing there?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Uncle Albert: Well... one.
Del Boy: I can see - two.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: You know what that means, Albert?
Uncle Albert: No.
Rodney: Well, either Raquel's pregnant or Del's pissed.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Uncle Albert: Who's there?
Tony Angelino: Can I speak to Mr Twotter?
Raquel: It's Tony, let him in.
Tony Angelino: I've come for me money.
Del Boy: All right not now son I'm up to my eyes in it come back tomorrow.
Tony Angelino: No not tomowwow. I want me money now. I did the performance didn't i? I did the wepotoire that you YOU insisted on.
Del Boy: I didn't know you couldn't pronouce your R's.
Tony Angelino: What does that matter?
Uncle Albert: Quite a lot when you sing songs with R's in.
Tony Angelino: I don't sing songs with R's in and if the song has got an R in it I change the lywics.
Del Boy: Then why didn't you change the lywics tonight?
Tony Angelino: How can I change the lywics to Cwying?! The bloody song's called Cwying!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Tony Angelino: We signed a contwact.
Del Boy: Ah yes but my brother drew up that contract and he put in a get out clause didn't you, Rodney?
Rodney: No.
Del Boy: Then why didn't you?
Rodney: You didn't tell me to. I ain't a lawyer, I sweep up and make the tea.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Tony Angelino: No-one who pwonounces R's like me have ever become successful.
Uncle Albert: There's Roy Jenkins and Jonathan Ross.
Tony Angelino: Exactly.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Uncle Albert: (about Rodney) You could appeal to his common sense.
Del Boy: Oh yeah? Then after lunch, I'll go out and find Shergar!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy, Boycie, & Denzil: Trigger!
Trigger: Alright.
Del Boy: Was it you Trig? Was it you who organised all this?
Boycie: Oh turn it up, Del Boy. Trigger couldn't organise a prayer in a mosque.
Trigger: I got lost on me way here.
Denzil: How could you get lost? You've been coming to this pub since you were 16!
Trigger: No, I found the pub alright. I meant I couldn't find this room. (to Mike) I've been in your dance hall for the last hour.
Mike: But all the lights are out!
Trigger: I know.
Boycie: You've been standing in the dark for an hour?
Trigger: Yeah I thought we were all gonna jump out and surprise someone.
Mike: But there was no-one else in there.
Trigger: But I didn't know that, did I? The lights were out. (to Rodney) How you going, Dave?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: As I was saying. On a cold, rainy night in Peckham, someone has arranged for you four to be here in in this room - together. No one knows who. And the most frightening aspect of the whole mystery - no one knows why! Now, think hard. Who would do something like that?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Trigger: Jeremy Beadle?
Boycie: Jeremy bloody Beadle?!?
Rodney: Don't be stupid!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: This is bit like one of them Agatha Christie films innit.
Trigger: Yeah I used to fancy her.
Rodney: You used to fancy Agatha Christie?
Trigger: Yeah, I had a picture of her on my bedroom wall.
Denzil: She was an old lady, old English country gardens, and granny hats.
Del Boy: Yeah she looked a bit like Mr. Kipling's bit on the side.
Trigger: Well I fancied her. I saw her in that film Doctor Zhivago.
Boycie: That's Julie Christie your berk.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Uncle Albert: Who's Rachel?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
DCI Roy Slater: Would you do me one favour. When the baby's born, if it's a boy would you call him after me?
Rodney: I wouldn't have thought so. It's not fair to christen a kid "Dick", is it?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Raquel: (about the women in the over-60s club) You should have more respect Mike. Those women went through the war for us.
Boycie: Yeah, you can still see the bomb damage on some of them.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Raquel: (when Rodney arrives at the Nag's Head after cleaning Del's recently accquired Capri Ghia) Your finger's bleeding, Rodney.
Rodney: Yeah, that happened when me hand went straight through the bodywork! I'm bleeding, see! There's blood! Oh yeah. Mike, you got a plaster?
Del Boy: Oi, what d'you mean your hand went through straight through the bodywork?
Rodney: There's a big rust hole in the wing. Boycie's blokes had stuffed it full of newspapers and body-filler and sprayed over it.
Boycie: That's slanderous, Rodney. That must have happened before I took possession of the vehicle!
Rodney: They were yesterday's newspapers!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Boycie: I remember a few years back when I had that important client coming over from Belgium and I was trying to get tickets to Wimbledon to impress him. You said "Leave it to me Boycie, I gotta contact at Wimbledon."
Del Boy: I got you two tickets!
Boycie: That's right! They drew nil-nil with Ipswich!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Ever since you went vegetarian you've become a right miserable git.
Raquel: There's nothing wrong with being vegetarian Del.
Rodney: That's right! One in five people in this country now refuse to eat meat. Mickey Pearce has become a vegetarian.
Del Boy: Yeah, but only since he got the sack from World Of Leather. A man needs a bit of fat and stodge to solid things up. Any doctor'll tell you that. All that carrot and cabbage cobblers, no wonder you're depressed.
Rodney: I am depressed because of the state of the state of my life at the moment. I've got this horrible feeling that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck I'll come back as me!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Mike: So?
Trigger: What?
Mike: What name have they decided on?
Trigger: If it's a girl they're calling her Sigourney after an actress, and if it's a boy they're naming him Rodney after Dave.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Never give up on people, Rodney. I know that most of the time they don't seem to understand. But when you're in trouble and you cry out for help, some will always be there. Trigger's cousin Cyril's a perfect example. He owed 500 quid on his mortgage.
Trigger: They were gonna be thrown out on the street the following day. he was very worried about it.
Mike: So what happened Trig?
Trigger: He drove out to Beachy Head. Parked about five foot from the edge of the cliff.
Uncle Albert: What, he was gonna drive off it?
Trigger: Yeah! He just sat there for a couple of hours, his head resting on the steering wheel. People tried to talk to him out of it but he was too depressed to listen.
Del Boy: But then, and this is what I mean about people, Rodney, they had a whip-round and got him his 500 quid.
Rodney: No! Who held the whip-round?
Del Boy: All the passengers on his bus.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses