Fawlty Towers Quotes

Basil Fawlty: Where are the pens?
Sybil Fawlty: They're in that box. It says pens quite clearly.
Basil Fawlty: Looks more like Ben's.
Sybil Fawlty: Well, then when Ben comes, you can give it to him.

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Basil Fawlty: Manuel, go and get me a hammer
Manuel: Que?
Basil Fawlty: A... hammer
Manuel: Ahhhhh, a hammer sandwich!
Basil Fawlty: Oh, must we go through this every time? A hammer.
Manuel: You want to see my hamster?
Basil Fawlty: No, not your hamster. How could I knock a nail in with a hamster? Well... I could try, couldn't I? [walks away]
Basil Fawlty: Get a hhhammer and hhhit you on the hhhead with it.

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Basil Fawlty: [Frantically typing at a typewriter] He's out! He's flat out! So André's, uh...
Sybil Fawlty: Who is?
Basil Fawlty: What!
Sybil Fawlty: Who ls out?
Basil Fawlty: Kurt! Who do you think, Henry Kissinger?
Sybil Fawlty: What do you mean 'Out'?
Basil Fawlty: He's *Drunk*!
Sybil Fawlty: Drunk?
Basil Fawlty: Drunk! Soused! Potted! Inebriated! Got it?
Sybil Fawlty: I don't believe it.
Basil Fawlty: [Still typing frantically] Neither do I. Perhaps it's a dream. [Smacks his head three times on desk]
Basil Fawlty: No, it's not a dream; we're stuck with it. Right!

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Basil Fawlty: [overseeing dinner, he approaches a table where Mrs. Heath is eating with her son Ronald] Everything all right here?
Mrs. Heath: Well...
Master Heath: [cutting in] I don't like the chips. The chips are awful.
Basil Fawlty: Really? How so?
Master Heath: They're the wrong shape and they're just awful.
Mrs. Heath: Ah, he's very clever... rather highly strung.
Basil Fawlty: [forcing himself to smile] Highly strung... Yes, he should be.
Master Heath: [to Basil] These eggs look like *you* laid them. Haven't you got any *proper* chips?
Basil Fawlty: These *are* proper French-fried potatoes. The chef is Continental.
Master Heath: Couldn't you get an English one?
Mrs. Heath: Why don't you just eat one or two, dear?
Master Heath: Because they're the wrong *shape*.
Basil Fawlty: Oh, my... What shape do you prefer? Mickey Mouse shape? Smarties shape? Amphibious landing-craft shape? Poke-in-the-eye shape?
Master Heath: God, you're dumb.
Basil Fawlty: [gritting his teeth] Is there anything else we can get you, *sonny*?
Master Heath: I'd like some bread and salad cream.
Basil Fawlty: Well, there's the bread, and there's the mayonnaise.
Master Heath: I said *salad cream*, stupid.
Basil Fawlty: We don't *have* any salad cream.
Master Heath: What a *dump*.
Basil Fawlty: ...The chef made that mayonnaise fresh this morning.
Master Heath<

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Mrs. Richards: Are you the manager?
Basil Fawlty: I am the owner, madam.
Mrs. Richards: What?
Basil Fawlty: I am the owner.
Mrs. Richards: I want to speak to the manager.
Basil Fawlty: I am the manager, too.
Mrs. Richards: What?
Basil Fawlty: I am the manager as well.
Manuel: Manajer, he manajer. [Basil smacks him]
Mrs. Richards: Oh, you're Watt!
Basil Fawlty: I'm the manager!
Mrs. Richards: What?
Basil Fawlty: I'm the manager.
Mrs. Richards: Yes, I know, you've just told me. What's the matter with you?

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Sybil Fawlty: [to Mr. O'Reilly, exasperated] I've seen more intelligent creatures than you swimming at the bottom of ponds! I've seen better organised creatures than you running 'round farm yards with their heads cut off!

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Basil: Sybil, I forbid you to open that safe.She does so Sybil, I forbid you to take that case out. She does so Sybil, you cannot open that case, I forbid it.She does so

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Sybil: If you wasn't listening to that racket all morning, you'd have them both done by now.
Basil: Racket? That's Braahms! Braahms Third Racket! All morning? I had two bars.

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Basil: [To Sir Richard and Lady Morris] Where are you going?
Sir Richard: We're leaving!
Basil: Oh, don't! Please stay. You'll like it here.
Sir Richard: I've never been in such a place in my life! [They drive away]

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Basil: You snobs!!! You stupid, Stuck up, Toffee-Nosed, Half-Witted, Upper Class piles of ... Pus!!!

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Sybil: O'Reilly, I have seen more intelligent creatures than you lying on their backs at the bottoms of ponds. I have seen better organized creatures than you running round farmyards with their heads cut off. Now take your belongings and get out. I never want to see you or any of your men in my hotel again.

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Basil: Ah, hello, Mr. O'Reilly. How are you? Oh sorry, nearly forgot: Basil Fawlty, remember? The poor sod you do jobs for. So how are things your end? Ah, splendid. Now how would you like to hear how things are my end? Oh, well, up to your usual standard I think the odd hole in the wall, the odd door missing; but nothing you can't be sued for.

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Manuel: Hello, Manuel Towers. Is nice day. Goodbye.

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Tibbs: Don't do anything we wouldn't do.
Basil: Just a little breathing, surely?

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Basil: Are you going to take something like that seriously?
O'Riely: Well...well, I think I might...

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
[Basil and Polly are hysterical after discovering O'Rielly's Builders made a mess of the hotel lobby]
Basil: WHAT??

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Written by John Cleese and Connie Booth.

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
[Classical music is playing in the background. Basil is putting up a picture. Sybil walks in.]
Sybil: Don't forget the menu.
Basil: I beg your pardon?
Sybil: Don't forget the menu.
Basil: I thought you said you want— Right! I'll do the menu!
[puts down the picture, walks over to a typewriter and sits down.]
Sybil: You could have had them both done by now if you hadn't spent the whole morning skulking in there listening to that racket.
Basil: Racket? That's Brahms! Brahms' Third Racket!

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Basil: Hello, Fawlty Towers. Ah, yes, Mr. O'Reilly. Well, it's quite simple. When I asked you to build me a wall, I was rather thinking that instead of just dumping the bricks down in a pile, you might find time to cement them together one on top of the other in the usual fashion. [to Melbury] Could you fill it in, please? [to O'Reilly] Oh, splendid! Yes, but when, Mr. O'Reilly? [to Melbury] There. There. [to O'Reilly] Yes, but when? Ah, I see: the flu. [to Melbury]Both names, please. [to O'Reilly] Yes, I should have guessed, Mr. O'Reilly; that and the potato famine, I suppose.
Melbury: I'm sorry?
Basil: Could you put both your names please? [to O'Reilly] Well, can you give me a date?
Melbury: I only use one.
Basil: You don't have a first name?
Melbury: No. I am Lord Melbury, so I simply sign "Melbury."
Basil: [to O'Reilly] Go away. [hangs up] So sorry to have kept you waiting, your lordship. I do apologise.

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Basil: Did you ever see that film, "How To Murder Your Wife"?
Major Gowen: "How To Murder Your Wife"?
Basil: Yes, awfully good. I saw it six times.

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Basil: Always reminds me of somebody machine-gunning a seal.
Major Gowen: The heat?
Basil: No, no. My wife's laugh.

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Basil: [about Sybil's laughter] Please don't alarm yourself, it's only my wife laughing. I'm afraid her local finishing school was bombed.
Mrs. Peignoir: [shocked] Oh dear!
Basil: No, no, not really. Just a thought. Well now, what can I get you?
Mrs. Peignoir: Do you have any Ricard?
Basil: [confused] I'm sorry?
Mrs. Peignoir: Any Ricard?
Basil: [unsure what Ricard is, he pretends to check the bar] uh, we're just out of it, I think...

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Mr. Hutchinson: And if anybody wants me, I'll be in the lounge.
Basil: If anybody wants you?
Mr. Hutchinson: I'll be in the lounge!
Basil: Anyone in particular, I mean, Henry Kissinger? (short pause) Or just anyone with a big neb? I dunno what it is about this place, I mean some of the people we get in here...

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Sybil: Don't shout at me. I've had a difficult morning.
Basil: Oh, dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmmm... or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Basil: I would find it a bit easier to cope with some of the cretins we get in here, my little nest of vipers, if I got just a smidgen of co-operation from you.
Sybil: Co-operation? That's a laugh. The day you co-operate, you'll be in a wooden box.

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Basil: Spoons, eh?
Mr. Hutchinson: Sorry?
Basil: SP--(raspberry)--OONS!

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Basil: He's drunk!
Sybil: Drunk?
Basil: Drunk. Soused. Potted. Inebriated. Got it?
Sybil: I can't believe this!
Basil: I don't, either. Maybe it's a dream. [pounds his head on the desk several times, sits up, looks around.] Nope, it's not a dream. We're stuck with it.

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Basil: [yelling at his car] Come on! Come on! Start! Start, you vicious bastard! Come on! Oh, my God! I'm warning you! If you don't start, I'll count to three! 1, 2, 3! Right! That's it! [leaving the car, he starts yelling at it] I've had enough of this! You've tried it on once too often! Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line for you time and time again! Right! Well, this is it! I'm going to give you a damn good thrashing! [he leaves the frame, returns holding a branch and starts thrashing the car over the bonnet]

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Basil: Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right. [returns to the Germans] So! It's all forgotten now, and let's hear no more about it. So, that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering, and four Colditz salads.

TV Show: Fawlty Towers
Basil: Is there something wrong?
Elder Herr: Will you stop talking about the war?
Basil: Me! You started it!
Elder Herr: We did not start it!
Basil: Yes you did — you invaded Poland.

TV Show: Fawlty Towers