Only Fools and Horses Quotes

Denzil: (to Arnie's sons, Gary and Stephen) Wotcha fellas!
Stephen: What's happening?
Denzil: Get in! (before climbing into back of the ambulance behind Gary and Stephen and locking the doors).

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: (threatening to hurt Arnie with a set of vicious-looking bolt cutters) Calm down, Arnie, calm down! You'll give yourself a heart attack!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Uncle Albert: Bloody fair, innit? A young feller like Rodney stops off to have dinner with a bird and leaves the carrying to an old chap like me.
Del Boy: (under his breath, mocking Albert) They've got no respect these days.
Uncle Albert: They've got no respect these days.
Del Boy: (under his breath, mocking Albert) You fought in a war, didn't you?
Uncle Albert: I fought in a war, didn't I? I fought so that kids like Rodney could have freedom. And what do they do with their freedom?
Del Boy: (under his breath, mocking Albert) Anything they bloody like!
Uncle Albert: Anything they bloody like!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Hang on a minute, just before you go and check in - this prize ain't quite as straightforward as it seems.'
Cassandra: Well he did win, didn't he?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Oh yes, yes, he won and all that, and it's all pukka and above board, and we're here...
Cassandra: So what's the problem?
Rodney: That's strange, you know.
Cassandra: What?
Rodney: Well, I noticed it on the plane, but it didn't sort of register. They're all mums and dads - they've all got their kids with them.
Cassandra: What's strange about that?
Rodney: Well, except for me, right, all the winners are parents.
Del Boy: No, it's not the parents that are the winners, Rodney... It's the kids.
Cassandra: What do you mean?
Del Boy: Well Rodney's painting won first prize... in an under fifteen year old category.
Rodney: (stunned) Say again?
Cassandra: So they think Rodney's fifteen?!
Rodney: Is that right?
Del Boy: No. They think you're fourteen.
Rodney: Fourteen? (to Cassandra) They think I'm fourteen!
[Cassandra dissolves into giggles.]
Rodney: Why didn't you tell me this back in England?
Del Boy: Well I thought it might cast a little cloud over the holiday. Look, Rodney, I sent your painting off in good faith. I didn't know there were lots of categories, but you're the one who wrote on it, "Rodney Trotter, aged 14 1/2", so the organisers must have put you in the kids category. So it's your fault, that you wrote on it.
Rodney: But how was I to know that in 12 years' time, you were going to enter it into a cornflake competition?
Del Boy: Well how was I supposed to know that you'd win? Come on Rodney, it doesn't matter, you're going to waltz through it!
Rodney: Waltz through it?! - how the hell am I gonna pass for fourteen?!
[Cassandra is beside herself with laughter.]
Rodney: (icily) Will y

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: Del Boy, thanks to you, I am now a twenty-six year old man who has come second in a skateboarding competition!
Del Boy: Second? You was in the lead when I saw you!
Rodney: ...I fell off.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Go on then, Rodney, off you go.
Rodney: Eh?
Del Boy: Go on, you're going with the Groovy Gang!
Rodney: I ain't going with the sodding Groovy Gang!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: There is nothing wrong with me, I just have normal pains.
Uncle Albert: When you cam in tonight you just flopped straight down in that chair in agony.
Del Boy: "You don't understand Unc, that is PMA!
Rodney: I thought it was only women who got that?
Del Boy: No! Rodney that is PMP! PMA is positive mental attitude, It's the new buzz word, it's what all us yuppies get.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Elsie Patridge: The spirits are with us. A man has stepped forward. A tall, elderly man wearing a black coat and a black hat. He wished to speak to someone called Audrey... No, no Aubrey.
Del Boy: Aubrey?
Boycie: I am here.
Rodney: Aubrey?
Boycie: It's my middle name.
Trigger: You never said your name was Aubrey.
Boycie: Nor would you if your name was Aubrey.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Boycie: This piece of paper. It's not a log book for a Cortina is it?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Elsie Patridge: (to Boycie, about the ghost of his father) He says you must be a good father. You must look after your child.
Boycie: Is he having a pop at me or something?
Uncle Albert: Elsie, Boycie and his wife Marlene can't have kids.
Del Boy: Yeah they've been trying for years but nitto.
Rodney: Yeah he's had tests, things frozen, the lot.
Mike: The hospital have just about given up with him.
Trigger: He's low on something.
Boycie: (completely furious) Would you mind not discussing my personal life with strangers? You can tell my old man to keep his nose out of my business he was always going on at me for not giving him a grandchild.
Del Boy: All right calm down. (grins) Aubrey.
Boycie: You can pack that in for a start.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Dr. Robbie Meadows: You've got to make a decision, Mr Trotter: we can either save you or the baby.
Del Boy: Robbie Meadows, you old git.
Dr. Robbie Meadows: Del please.
Del Boy: Sorry. Doctor Meadows, you old git. What you doing here?
Dr. Robbie Meadows: I've got good news and bad news Del. The good news is they put me in charge of your case.
Del Boy: What's the bad news?
Dr. Robbie Meadows: I specialise in amputation.
Del Boy: Good one. So how come you're in charge?
Dr. Robbie Meadows: Accident really. I was chatting to some collegues when the name Derek Trotter came up, so I asked to see your GP's notes and look at your tests. I was amazed, I found myself reading about this non smoking, tee-total, celibate, vegetarian health freak. I thought to myself can this be the same Derek Trotter I know and begrudginly admire? That wheeling dealing Pina Colada lout, the Castella king, the curry coniseur, the same man who's lived his life on fast food, fried bread and doubtful women?
Del Boy: Was it?
Dr. Robbie Meadows: Yeah it was.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: What's she doing?
Trigger: She's going like this...[Shuts his eyes, leans back and groans.]

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Alan: You don't like those sort of surroundings, do you? I mean, champagne, caviar, country clubs...
Del Boy: Oh no, Alan, I hate it, I hate it, all put on. I mean, them people just do things for effect.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Danny: Boycie, how nice!
Boycie: Hello Danny. Your brother not with you?
Danny: Yeah. (Tony pops out from behind him)
Boycie: Oh watcha Tony. Drink?
Tony: Nah! That right, Marlene's up the spout?
Boycie: Yeah.
Danny: Dear dear dear. You let us know the minute you find out who done it and we'll sort him out.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Danny: Del Boy around?
Mike: No, I ain't seen him this evening.
Danny: Well that's funny his van's in the car park and what's this? A castella and a Malibu Reef? You sure he ain't around. Think hard, Guv'nor.
Mike: Well he may have been in earlier and then he left.
Danny: I see, you just had this place decorated?
Mike: (proudly) Yeah.
Danny: Shame. I want to buy everyone in the pub a drink, whatever they want. Now there's a pound, and I want change.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Tony: You owe us £2000. You got the money?
Del Boy: Course I ain't. I ain't sold the phones yet have?
Danny: Don't give me all that Derek. Them two munchkins Ebony and Ivory took the phones off us three months ago.
Del Boy: Three months? I didn't know that Danny.
Danny: Do you think we're stupid? (Del doesn't answer) Do you think I'm stupid? If you don't cough up that two grand I'm gonna take his collar and lead off and let him loose on you! (Tony grins at Del menacingly)

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Danny: When Tony and me were kids, we was very very poor. Our old man used to work in on of them old mansion houses. He worked from 6 in the morning til 8 at night and what for? For pittence.
Tony: A shilling a day and an horseshit sandwich.
Danny: One day, there was a robbery at the mansion, and the Bill arrested our old man and there wasn't any evidence was there?
Tony: Just finger prints.
Danny: Just finger prints.
Tony : And eye witnesses.
Danny: A Couple of eye witnesses. They found the jewels on him.
Tony: It was a plant.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: You don't like baseball, you always called it silly boys rounders
Del Boy: Yeah, that's before i knew that it was in, now-a-days it's the kinda game that guys like me and Steven enjoy
Steven: What do you mean "Guys like me and Steven"?
Del Boy: Well, yuppies
Steven: Yupp...Derek, I am not a yuppie
Del Boy: You are Steven
Steven: No, no i'm...
Del Boy: No take it from me son, you are!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Brandy please, Pamela.
Pamela: Armagnac?
Del Boy: Yeah, that'll do fine if you're out of Brandy.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Stephen: And Africa is where it's at. Recently Joanne and I spent little time down in Afrique sur-mer.
Del Boy: Fabrique belgique.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Stephen: What is a female swan called?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Got it. It's a bic.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Jevon: You've got to give it to Del Boy, he did all the catering by himself.
Mickey Pearce: Leave off Jevon, can you imagine Del Boy standing in the kitchen cutting up all them loaves? He probably got some idiot to do it for him.
Trigger: No, I made them for him. (Rodney reacts)

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Sid: (annoyed that he wasn't asked by Del to make the sandwiches) I run a cafe, so why didn't you ask me to make the sandwiches?
Del Boy: The explanation is simple. We intend to eat them.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Alan: (when Harry, the coach driver, suddenly becomes drunk) It's no problem. You just chuck him on the back seat, let him sleep it off.
Boycie: Chuck him on the back seat? He's the driver!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Trigger: What d'you think's wrong with him?
Mike: What do I think? Well, snow-blindness would be my bet, Trig.
Trigger: Yeah? I thought he was pissed.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: Cass? You still there? Our coach has just blown up!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Uncle Albert: I remember once just after the war.
Rodney: Oh don't start, Unc!
Mickey: We've had enough of your stupid stories for one day. Albert!
Del Boy: Oi, oi, oi! Watch it! He's a war hero, he's got a right to speak!
Uncle Albert: I fought for free speech!
Del Boy: (to Albert, venomously) Shuddup!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: (to Rodney, who just got thrown out by Cassandra for punching her boss on the nose) Alright bruv, sort it all out?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses