Only Fools and Horses Quotes

Del Boy: What are you up to, Mickey?
Mickey Pearce: I've just come back from evening school. I'm learning aikido.
Del Boy: Really? Go on then, say something.
Mickey Pearce: Eh?
Del Boy: Say something in Aikido.
Mickey Pearce: No, it's not a language Del. It's a martial art! I had a fight with five blokes last night!
Del Boy: What was it, a pillow fight? Leave it out you ain't got a mark on you son!
Mickey Pearce: That's because I wiped 'em out with Aikido.
Del Boy: Can you smell that? What is that? Sheep is it? It's cows? No, no, I know what it is. It's bullshit!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: (about Debbie) I've just met the first girl in my life who really means something to me, and it turns out to be my bloody niece!
Del Boy: Alright, Rodney. Come on, that's why I had to tell you, you see, 'cos this sort of thing ain't allowed - it's... well, it's incense! Say you had got married to her - you can see what sort of confusion that would have led to, I would have been your father-in-law!
Rodney: Bloody hell!
Del Boy: Yer mother-in-law would have been yer aunt, yer wife would have been yer second cousin - God knows what that would have made Grandad - the fairy godmother I should think.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Uncle Albert: Your name Rodney, son?
Rodney: Well, it is when Trigger's not about!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Uncle Albert: Do you know I was torpedoed five times?
Rodney: Yeah?
Uncle Albert: Yeah. Do you know what they called me?
Rodney: Jonah?
Uncle Albert: No, they didn't call me "Jonah"... Not many of them. They used to call me "Boomerang Trotter" cause I always came back.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Uncle Albert: (heading into Grandad's bedroom) I might as well kip down in there, eh?
Del Boy: No, no, you can't go in there. That's my Grandad's room!
Uncle Albert: Yeah but - I'm his brother!
Del Boy: Yeah, that don't make no difference. Only me and Rodney are allowed in that room! Thatroom is gonna remain exactly as he left it! That room is going to be a shrine dedicated to the memory of my grandfather.
Uncle Albert: I understand, Del.
Del Boy: No, we'll just have to think of something else that's all. Listen, if I get the big mattress out of Rodney's room I can put it down. No, I'd never get it through the door would I.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: Oi, where'd you want these then?
Del Boy: Oh, sling 'em in Grandad's room for now will you Rodney.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Get over it?! What a plonker you really are Rodney. Get over it. I ain't even started yet!!! Ain't even started bruv! And do you know why? Because I don't know how to!!! That's why I've survived all my life with a smile and a prayer! I'm Del Boy ain't I! Good old Del Boy - he's got more bounce than Zebedee! "Here you are pal, what you drinking? Go on! Hello darling, you have one for luck!!" That's me, that's Del Boy innit? Nothing ever upsets Del Boy. I've always played the tough guy! I didn't want to, but I had to and I've played it for so long now, I don't know how to be anything else! I don't even know how to... Oh it don't matter! Bloody family! I've finished with them! What do they do to you, eh? They hold you back, drag you down, (on the verge of tears) and then they break your bloody heart!
Rodney: (whispers) I'm sorry.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: I'll have a Malibu & tonic with some lime and half a lager, please, darling.
Maureen (bar maid): In the same glass?
Del Boy: No, in separate glasses if you don't mind.
Maureen (bar maid): Well, I don't know, do I? Might have been one of your erotic cocktails, Del.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Morning unc.
Uncle Albert: Morning son.
Del Boy: What's it like out?
Uncle Albert: Oh it's parky Del.
Del Boy: Nice thick frost is there?
Uncle Albert: Bit slippery under foot.
Del Boy: Good. Lovely little flecks of snow?
Uncle Albert: Bit of sleet yeah.
Del Boy: Cushty. Nice brisk northerly wind howling in from the Urals is there?
Uncle Albert: Cuts right through yer, Del.
Del Boy: Lovely. Cos you see today Uncle Albert, owing to young Rodney's forsight and GCEs, while all them other plonkers down the market are selling woolly hats and thermal underwear, we are gonna make a right killing. Do you know why we're gonna make a killing? We ain't got woolly underwear. We've got SUN TAN LOTION! And we ain't just a little drop of sun tan lotion...We've got 500 bloody quids worth of the stuff!
Rodney: I told you before, I bought it as an investment.
Del Boy: An investment!? Menage a trois! In the middle of the worst winter for two million years, with the weathermen laying odds on a new ice age, this dipstick goes out and buys up Ambre Solaire!
Rodney: The weathermen are also forecasting a boiling hot summer! So come May or June, we can sell all that, or swap it for something else!
Del Boy: Like 50 or 60 anoraks, maybe!...That £500 you squandered on this stuff was the last of the company's capital!
Rodney: Oh, and how was I supposed to know that?
Del Boy: [incredulous] How were you supposed to know that!? YOU'RE THE FIRM'S ACCOUNTANT, YOU WALLY!!!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: [gesturing at Albert] Well, it's him, innit? I mean ever since he came to live here, we've had nothing but bad luck!
Uncle Albert: What's he on about now!?
Del Boy: Oh, I don't know!
Rodney: Alright, what about the time he was in the Navy!? Every single ship he ever sailed on either got torpedoed or divebombed! Two of them in peacetime! Del, that man is a jinx!
Del Boy: Oh, leave it out, Rodney! Gordon Bennett, you'll be burning witches next!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: I've been thinking...
Del Boy: Leave it out, Rodney, we're in enough trouble as it is.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: (after Albert fell down the open cellar door of the Nag's Head) There's nothing wrong with him. He said so himself.
Del Boy: How does he know that? He might have hit his head and got percussion.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: The worstest thing of all, Your Honour, is these sudden bouts of amnesia. They have led to him having some very nasty falls.
Judge: I fail to see the connection. How can amnesia cause one to fall?
Del Boy: He keeps forgetting he can't walk.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: The only hole he hasn't fallen down is the black one in Calcutá.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: (about Albert) He's been down more holes than Tony Jacklin!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: (after Rodney gets kicked out of the Bunch of Wallies) You didn't honestly believe all that rubbish, did you? That you and them wallies were destined for the Albert Hall, Carnegie Hall! The only hall you were destined for was Sod All.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: I remember what Mum said on her death bed. She said to me: "Del," she said, "please give little Rodney all the encouragement that you can. Never, Del, never hold him back."
Rodney: She didn't half say a lot on her death bed, didn't she?
Del Boy: What?
Rodney: Whatever the subject is, Mum had something to say about it on her death bed. She must have spent her final few hours in this mortal realm doing nothing but rabbiting!
Del Boy: You are walking a bleeding tightrope here, Rodney!!!!
Rodney: No, hang on! Right, you remember last week we were having a row about whose turn it was to go down the chippy, yeah? And you claimed that Mum said on her death bed: "Send Rodney for the fish!"
Del Boy: Yeah well, I'd had a few, hadn't I?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Marlene: Did you have a nice Christmas?
Del Boy: Oh, terrific, yeah.
Marlene: I had a dog.
Rodney: Yeah? We had a turkey, same as every other year.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Come on, Duke. Come on. Cat! Cat! Meow meow cat!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: (about Albert) I've said it before, I'll say it again: that man's a right Jonah. I reckon that when he boarded his last ship, the crew shot an albatros for luck.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: (about Duke) When he's comatose, you know, sleep is the best thing for him.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Remember a couple of months ago, when I took you on that blind date?
Rodney: Remember it? I'm still having therapy for it?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: I don't know what the younger generation is coming to. They can't even swear without effing and blinding.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: (upon losing a chunk of hair to one of Del's super-sharp combs) I'm going bald. Derek, I am 24 years old and I'm going bald!
Uncle Albert: That's supposed to be a sign of something.
Rodney: Yeah, it's a sign that I'm going bald.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Denzil: You want to hear a sob story? I can tell you a sob story. I have just found out that my wife has been lying to me.
Rodney: No!
Denzil: Yeah. Every morning she says she's going to leave me and, when I come home at night, she's still there.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Uncle Albert: I can't swim, Del.
Del Boy: You used to be a sailor.
Uncle Albert: Don't mean a thing. Nelson couldn't swim.
Del Boy: Of course he couldn't. He only had one bloody arm. He would have gone around in circles, wouldn't he?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: He's something else ain't he? And what about all the currents they got round here? We could have drifted anywhere by now.
Del Boy: Yes, he's right and all ain't he? We're in the middle of the North Sea ain't we? It's got more currents than a hot-cross bun.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Can't you just find The Bear?
Uncle Albert: Well what does it look like?
Del Boy: Well it looks like a bloody rabbit don't it!!!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Well, come on then, look at the stars, and navigate a course, go on!
Uncle Albert: Cor, ain't there a lot of them!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Holland?!
Gas man: What!
Del Boy: Which way to Holland?!
Gas man: It's over there!
Del Boy: Thank you John! (to Albert) Albert turn left, Holland is that way. (to Rodney) See Rodney, don't know where to go you just got to ask.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses