Only Fools and Horses Quotes
Del Boy: (when Rodney claims that the Axe Murderer is nearby) So what are you telling me then? The psycho's up stairs having a kip?
Grandad: Well he could be up there, Del Boy.
Del Boy: Well I shouldn't let it worry you Grandad, I should think the three bears have probably eaten him by now!
Grandad: Well he could be up there, Del Boy.
Del Boy: Well I shouldn't let it worry you Grandad, I should think the three bears have probably eaten him by now!
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: Ah, Picadilly. Right, that's mine and I have a hotel, so that's twelve hundred pounds.
Grandad: Twelve hundred pounds for a hotel next to a smelly old waterworks?
Rodney: What?
Grandad: All them sewers. I'd rather sleep in the car, or look for a bed and breakfast.
Rodney: No, you don't understand. Bless his little... Look, it's in the rules.
Grandad: Twelve hundred quid-it's scandalous. I ain't a tourist you know.
Grandad: Twelve hundred pounds for a hotel next to a smelly old waterworks?
Rodney: What?
Grandad: All them sewers. I'd rather sleep in the car, or look for a bed and breakfast.
Rodney: No, you don't understand. Bless his little... Look, it's in the rules.
Grandad: Twelve hundred quid-it's scandalous. I ain't a tourist you know.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Ah, Park Lane, I think that's one of my properties Rodney.
Rodney: Course it is. You own everything on the board.
Del Boy: No I don't, no I don't. Look, you've got Coventry Street, Grandad has the waterworks and all that. Ah yeah, Park Lane with one hotel, two thousand please.
Rodney: Two... hold on, according to this it's only fifteen hundred.
Del Boy: Yes I know, but I've put you in the penthouse suite haven't I?
Rodney: Course it is. You own everything on the board.
Del Boy: No I don't, no I don't. Look, you've got Coventry Street, Grandad has the waterworks and all that. Ah yeah, Park Lane with one hotel, two thousand please.
Rodney: Two... hold on, according to this it's only fifteen hundred.
Del Boy: Yes I know, but I've put you in the penthouse suite haven't I?
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Grandad: He's a psycho!
Chief of Security/Axe Murderer: Do you have any idea what a "psycho", as you so eloquently put it, is?
Grandad: Of course I have. He is a geezer what dresses up in his mother's clothes.
Chief of Security/Axe Murderer: Do you have any idea what a "psycho", as you so eloquently put it, is?
Grandad: Of course I have. He is a geezer what dresses up in his mother's clothes.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Chief of Security/Axe Murderer: Is that a police helicopter?
Del Boy: No, it's Barratts!
Del Boy: No, it's Barratts!
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: You don't know nothing about antiques, do you? I mean, you know, dealers often put little holes in items like these to give it that sort of distressed look.
Rodney: Distressed? Del, this thing looks panic-stricken.
Rodney: Distressed? Del, this thing looks panic-stricken.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: Del, for once in your life be yourself, right? And you don't need none of them soppy French phrases neither.
Del Boy: What do you mean, "soppy phrases"? La bonne vie, you stupid ...
Rodney: See what I mean? Del, you can't speak French. You're still struggling with English.
Del Boy: What is it with you, Rodney? Do you like hospital food or something?
Rodney: I'm just being honest with you. Let's face it, Del, most of your French phrases come straight out of Citroën manuals, don't they?
Del Boy: What do you mean, "soppy phrases"? La bonne vie, you stupid ...
Rodney: See what I mean? Del, you can't speak French. You're still struggling with English.
Del Boy: What is it with you, Rodney? Do you like hospital food or something?
Rodney: I'm just being honest with you. Let's face it, Del, most of your French phrases come straight out of Citroën manuals, don't they?
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home.
Trigger: You've got a hat now, have you, Dave?
Trigger: You've got a hat now, have you, Dave?
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: (pointing to an assortment of household items made from crude oil) What have all these things got in common?
Rodney: They’re all nicked?
Rodney: They’re all nicked?
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
June: (about her son Jason) I think he misses his dad.
Del Boy: Yeah, I used to miss my dad. Until I learned to punch straight...
Del Boy: Yeah, I used to miss my dad. Until I learned to punch straight...
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DCI Roy Slater: Remember Del? All us lads down the river playing pirates. You were Dan Tempest. Boycie was the first mate. Trigger was Long John Silver... What part did I play Del?"
Del Boy: You was the bloke what walked the plank.
DCI Roy Slater: Yeah, that's right... I was always the bloke that walked the plank. I was in and out of that water more times than a duck's head! I always wanted to be Bluebeard!
Del Boy: Well you should have asked.
DCI Roy Slater: "I did... Lots of times but you never let me!
Del Boy: I did once.
DCI Roy Slater: Oh yeah, I remember now, that was the day Bluebeard had to walk the plank!
Del Boy: You was the bloke what walked the plank.
DCI Roy Slater: Yeah, that's right... I was always the bloke that walked the plank. I was in and out of that water more times than a duck's head! I always wanted to be Bluebeard!
Del Boy: Well you should have asked.
DCI Roy Slater: "I did... Lots of times but you never let me!
Del Boy: I did once.
DCI Roy Slater: Oh yeah, I remember now, that was the day Bluebeard had to walk the plank!
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DCI Roy Slater: Right! Down to business! The face that dropped the microwave oven in the market! What did he look like?
Del Boy': Oh, he was about average height.
Grandad: He was a great big tall fella!
Rodney: Oh, he was little more than a dwarf!
Grandad: Age?
Rodney: About 25.
Grandad: Middle 50s!
Del Boy: He was just a kid!
DCI Roy Slater: What about his ethnic group?
Del Boy: Well, I didn't notice anyone with him!
DCI Roy Slater: No, I mean was he Caucasian?
Grandad: No, he was a white fella!
Rodney: He was African, I think!
Del Boy': Oh, he was about average height.
Grandad: He was a great big tall fella!
Rodney: Oh, he was little more than a dwarf!
Grandad: Age?
Rodney: About 25.
Grandad: Middle 50s!
Del Boy: He was just a kid!
DCI Roy Slater: What about his ethnic group?
Del Boy: Well, I didn't notice anyone with him!
DCI Roy Slater: No, I mean was he Caucasian?
Grandad: No, he was a white fella!
Rodney: He was African, I think!
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DCI Roy Slater: Sorry did you want a cup of tea, Del?
Del Boy: No it's alright Slater, I had one yesterday.
Del Boy: No it's alright Slater, I had one yesterday.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
DCI Roy Slater: Come on Del. Who knicked it?
Del Boy: They are free to go, ain't they?
DCI Roy Slater: Yeah, they're free to go no charges.
Del Boy: And you got nothing on me?
DCI Roy Slater: No, you've got immunity from prosecution, you've got less chance of a pull than the Queen. For the third and last time of asking, who knicked the microwave off the back of the lorry?
Del Boy: I did! (holds up immunity letter triumphantly)
Del Boy: They are free to go, ain't they?
DCI Roy Slater: Yeah, they're free to go no charges.
Del Boy: And you got nothing on me?
DCI Roy Slater: No, you've got immunity from prosecution, you've got less chance of a pull than the Queen. For the third and last time of asking, who knicked the microwave off the back of the lorry?
Del Boy: I did! (holds up immunity letter triumphantly)
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Who are you two after? Not the gruesome twosome, are you?
Mickey Pearce: They're alright!
Del Boy: What do you mean, "alright"? They are so ugly that they even look alike.
Rodney: Del, they happen to be sisters.
Del Boy: Sisters? (to the girls) Oy, girls! Seen much of Cinderella since the wedding?
Mickey Pearce: They're alright!
Del Boy: What do you mean, "alright"? They are so ugly that they even look alike.
Rodney: Del, they happen to be sisters.
Del Boy: Sisters? (to the girls) Oy, girls! Seen much of Cinderella since the wedding?
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Del Boy: You don't want to see what it's like in the early hours, Grandad. It's like the end of the world. It's full of drug addicts, glue sniffers, winos. Do you know what? If a nightingale sang now in Berkeley Square, someone would eat it.
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Rodney: I have had nothing to eat since I've been here.
Del Boy: Why's that? Been too frightened?
Rodney: No, I forgot the tin opener.
Del Boy: Why didn't you pop down for it?
Rodney: Del, desperate men on the run don't pop home to borrow a tin opener.
Del Boy: Why's that? Been too frightened?
Rodney: No, I forgot the tin opener.
Del Boy: Why didn't you pop down for it?
Rodney: Del, desperate men on the run don't pop home to borrow a tin opener.
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Karen (bar maid): Do you know that overcoat you sold my dad?
Del Boy: Yeah?
Karen (bar maid): It's got a great, big lump in the back.
Del Boy: Of course! It's genuine camel hair, ain't it?
Del Boy: Yeah?
Karen (bar maid): It's got a great, big lump in the back.
Del Boy: Of course! It's genuine camel hair, ain't it?
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Denzil: He's cool, I like it. I tell you, if he wasn't so white, I'd swear he was black.
Del Boy: Yeah, he is white, ain't he?
Denzil: The whitest man I've ever seen in all my life.
Rodney: I'm not ever so white!
Del Boy: You are. You'd make an albino look bronzed.
Del Boy: Yeah, he is white, ain't he?
Denzil: The whitest man I've ever seen in all my life.
Rodney: I'm not ever so white!
Del Boy: You are. You'd make an albino look bronzed.
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Del Boy: We gotta think of a way out of this.
Rodney: I got it! We could say it was caused by paint fumes.
Del Boy: Paint fumes? When Corinne comes back in here, she's gonna find her kettle's been knackered, her kitchen's been turned into a Turkish bath and she's got a Kentucky Fried Canary at the bottom of her cage. And we're gonna say it's paint fumes?
Rodney: I got it! We could say it was caused by paint fumes.
Del Boy: Paint fumes? When Corinne comes back in here, she's gonna find her kettle's been knackered, her kitchen's been turned into a Turkish bath and she's got a Kentucky Fried Canary at the bottom of her cage. And we're gonna say it's paint fumes?
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Del Boy: I might be able to offer you a much better deal my son. I could get this pub decorated to the exact same standard as Brendan, and it would cost your brewery a mere £2000.
Rodney: £2000?
Grandad: That must be a tempting offer, eh Rodney?
Rodney: Well he's a born businessman isnt he?
Mike: Hang about, hang about. Why should I turn down an offer of £1000 and accept one of £2000?
Del Boy: Cos of all the advantages it has to offer, like my specialised profit sharing scheme. Let me explain how it works. The £2000 would be disbursed thus: there would be £500 for vous. £500 for vee.
Mike: What you mean I get 500 quid?
Del Boy: Oh yes.
Mike: And what happens to the £1000 that's left over?
Del Boy: We give that to the Irishman and let him do the job.
Mike: (grinning) We got a deal, Mr Trotter.
Rodney: £2000?
Grandad: That must be a tempting offer, eh Rodney?
Rodney: Well he's a born businessman isnt he?
Mike: Hang about, hang about. Why should I turn down an offer of £1000 and accept one of £2000?
Del Boy: Cos of all the advantages it has to offer, like my specialised profit sharing scheme. Let me explain how it works. The £2000 would be disbursed thus: there would be £500 for vous. £500 for vee.
Mike: What you mean I get 500 quid?
Del Boy: Oh yes.
Mike: And what happens to the £1000 that's left over?
Del Boy: We give that to the Irishman and let him do the job.
Mike: (grinning) We got a deal, Mr Trotter.
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Reg: I never raised a hand to your mother, Rodney, except in self-defence!
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Grandad: Hospital bed? What's wrong with you, Reggie?
Del Boy: Something serious, I hope!
Del Boy: Something serious, I hope!
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Del Boy: (talking about his father) Don't be fooled by him, Rodney. He's had everything from Galloping Lurgy to Saturday Night Fever! I was doing some homework once and I asked him what a cubic foot was. He said he didn't know, but he tried to have a week off work with it!
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Del Boy: It's a right blinding Christmas this has turned out to be, innit! I mean, some people get wise men bearing gifts; we get a wally with a disease!
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: You're only one letter out! Look, the only difference between us is a B.
Del Boy: Yeah and we all know what the B stands for!
Del Boy: Yeah and we all know what the B stands for!
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: (after finding out that his father faked an illness) They ran his name through the computer but they didn't have a patient called Trotter. But they did have a porter called Trotter. He left two weeks ago with 57 blankets, 133 pair of rubber gloves and the chief gynaecologist's Lambretta!!
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: Well I can't wait to fill out my next passport application form. Mother's name: Joan Mavis Trotter; father's name: Herb Albert and the Tiuwana Brass.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses