American Dad! Quotes

Stanley Smith: [picks up the phone] This is Stan Smith.
Principal Lewis: Mr. Smith, I'm afraid there's a problem with your son.
Stanley Smith: Oh, God, he's gay. This is it. This is the gay call. I've been ready for this for years. [starts chugging down pills]
Principal : Lewis: Uhh, no. It's just that he's gone mad with power. He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself in my office.
Stanley Smith: I see. [foam starts coming out of his mouth]
Stanley Smith: Henry, antidote.

TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: Francine, you be careful when out there today; we're at terror alert orange! Which means something could go down somewhere in some way at some point in time, SO LOOK SHARP!
Hayley: You know, Dad, it's great that you and your CIA buddies have made up some fun little way to keep the masses paralyzed in fear.
Stan: You like shaving your armpits, Hayley? Huh? 'Cause if the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go! [the toaster pops up its products and Stan quickly takes out his gun and shoots it numerous times, destroying the toaster and nearly the toast]
Hayley: [staring at Stan in shock with the rest of the family] It's just toast, Dad.
Stan: This time it was toast, Hayley...This time!
Francine: It's okay. This one will be mine. [claims the shot-up toast]

TV Show: American Dad!
Girl: Hey, I love your dog.
Guy: Hey, want to come back to my apartment and pet my schnauzer?
Girl: Okay.
Guy: And then we can play with this dog.

TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: [carries a gun, searching the house for an intruder] Osama? Is that you?

TV Show: American Dad!
Roger: Holy Toledo, you killed your son's dog! And don't ask me to bring him back with that E.T. finger thing because that's a giant load of crap!

TV Show: American Dad!
Hayley: Oh my God. Dad, why is Hilary Duff in our house?
Stan: Hilary is here of her own free will because she wants to have dinner with Steve.
Steve: Hilary, could you pass the salt?
Stan: [holding gun to her head] Pass him the salt.

TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: Hilary, look out for the mines! [off-screen explosion] What did I just say? You heard me. What did I just say?
Steve: You said, "Look out for the mines."
Stan: I said, "Look out for the mines."

TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: Rigging elections is my bread and butter, Roger. You know how many votes George Bush actually got in the first election? Seven.

TV Show: American Dad!
Francine: This is a wonderful starter home. I've been saving it for a couple just like you.
Woman: Pretty soon, we're gonna be more than a couple.
Francine: Oh, congratulations! I just thought you were fat.
Woman: We're adopting.

TV Show: American Dad!
Principal Lewis: Smith! What's the meaning of this?!
Steve: Principal Lewis, I am taking your office. Pursuant to Pearl Bailey High Statuette 39-F, quote, "The Student Body President can acquisition any room on school premises for the purpose of conducting school business."
Principal Lewis: You can read! The school system works! [dejectedly] I'll be back for my stuff.

TV Show: American Dad!
Steve: All periods will now be called Steves.
[shift to a classroom scene]
Boy #1: [to another boy] Hey, I'm thinking of cutting third Steve, you in?
Boy #2: Yeah, as long as I'm back by fourth Steve.
Teacher: [to class] So, if it's a statement, it should always be followed by a Steve.
Girl: Mr. Phillips, may I be excused? I'm having my Steve.

TV Show: American Dad!
Roger: By the way, Hayley, oh my God, these Chocodiles, these Chocodiles, Hayley, oh my God, these Chocodiles, oh my God!

TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: What makes you think you're going to survive?
Roger: My species is immune to all human ailments.
Stan: So explain that cold sore.
Roger: Mind your own business!

TV Show: American Dad!
Steve: I can't believe I'm gonna die a virgin.
Francine: Aw, sweetie, there was a 70-80% chance of that happening, anyway.

TV Show: American Dad!
Hayley: Here's to Mom! She's finally cast off the shackles of domestic servitude and realized her potential as a smart, independent woman.
Stan: : Hayley, how would you like a punch in the face?

TV Show: American Dad!
Waitress: Thank you very much, Mrs. Smith.
Stan: You paid? You said you were going to the bathroom.
Francine: I did both.
Stan: Well you can just do it all, can't you?

TV Show: American Dad!
Steve: Toshi, you have a video camera, right?
Toshi: [subtitled] You assume this because I am Asian. You are a racist.
Steve: Wow, that's a lot of words for of course.

TV Show: American Dad!
[Stan gets up from hot tub naked.]
Greg: Take a picture, why don't you?
Terry: I'm just being polite. It'd be rude not to look.

TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: I could have assassinated you!
Francine: What?
Stan: Nothing.

TV Show: American Dad!
Steve: I can't believe you muscled out your own son. You stink, Dad!
Stan: Oh, come on. What's more important? Your hopes and dreams or me making more than your mother?

TV Show: American Dad!
Roger: Tams, I gotta go. Yeah, the boss is being a real Catch U Next Tuesday.

TV Show: American Dad!
Hayley: No way!
Stan: [points gun at Hayley] Yes way!
Francine: Stan!
Stan: She started it!

TV Show: American Dad!
Francine: How's everyone's French toast?
Stan: Smelly and ungrateful. But this American toast is delicious!

TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: These wigs are fashioned after the most revered Republican first ladies of our times. [pointing out the various wigs] The Barbara Bush, the Nancy Reagan, the Maria Shriver.... [looks directly at the audience] Stay tuned.
Hayley: Those are horrible!
Stan: Hey! Girls your age have to go through chemo to get a wig this nice!

TV Show: American Dad!
[Steve, after tutoring a girl, tries to convince her that Roger, his "sister," is a burn victim]
Steve: I remember when my sister had her accident. Oh, did I not mention my sister, who was horrifically burned to over 98% of her body?
Kim: That's terrible!
Steve: Only her taint survived.

TV Show: American Dad!
[Hayley, working as a bar girl at the strip club, brings a guy a beer]
Man: Hey, waitress! Bring me another beer.
Hayley: But I just brought you one.
Man: Yeah, this one's to drown my crabs. [pours beer down his pants]

TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: How could you let Hayley do this?!
Jeff: Do what?
Stan: Don't play dumb! You know she's stripping. Showing people her Ho Hos, her Ding Dongs, her Suzie Q's,, God, what...what are those called...? Those little, uh... pink with coconut...? They're really good....
Jeff: Her Sno-Balls?
Stan: You bastard!

TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: [fighting a stripper in a Bo-Peep outfit] Hey Bo-Peep, I know where you can find your sheep, in hell!!!

TV Show: American Dad!
Bullock: Reverse memory erasing? Now that would be science fiction.

TV Show: American Dad!
Hayley: My mother stole my boyfriend!
Stan: Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other!
Stan: Wait a minute. Daddy didn't think that through.

TV Show: American Dad!