Only Fools and Horses Quotes

Rodney: I never thought I'd see you like this! You're acting like a big kid just 'cos we're stuck in a lift for a while.
Del Boy: Yes, well you don't know how I feel! (kicks the door a couple of times) I feel... I feel sort of frightened! You don't know what that's like!
Rodney: I don't know what it's like?! How d'you think I've felt for the last couple of weeks since Cassie... since what happened?
Del Boy: I don't know, Rodney, I don't know how you've felt!
Rodney: Well, I'll tell you, frightened ain't the word! D'you know what I did last night?
Del Boy: No, but I bet it was depressing!
Rodney: I sat and read my diaries from when I was a school kid.
Del Boy: See, I was right!
Rodney: No, not quite. I actually noticed moments of hope inside those pages - I mean there weren't many - just the occasional oasis of promise in a desert of pessimism. They were simple hopes, as you'd expect for someone of my age. I hoped for - hairs, hoped I'd do well in my exams, I even hoped for a good job when I left school.
Del Boy: Well, you got hairs, didn't you? Think how Right Said Fred must feel.
Rodney: Me and Cass were so happy, Del. We were looking forward and all we could see in front of us was a big wide highway and we were just cruising like we were in a Rolls-Royce. And suddenly it came to a shattering halt - just like the poxy lift. Suddenly Happy Families became Dungeons and Dragons. (crying) And I've never felt sodding pain like that in all my life.
Del Boy: Is Cassandra hurting?
Rodney: Well of course she is!
Del Boy: How d'you now? You haven't talked to her about it.
Rodney: No, and d'you know why? Because... it's because... It's almost like if I don't talk about it, it might not be true.
Del Boy: But it is.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: Cassie seemed so fragile. I wanted to cuddle her and talk to her about it - but I was frightened I might - sort of break her.
Del Boy: No. She's strong, Rodney. It's a dropped stitch in life's tapestry. That's what Mum used to say when things went wrong.
Rodney: Yeah, I suppose that's about the strength of it when you think about it.
Del Boy: Of course it is. You two'll pick up the bits and pieces and be cruising down that big highway again. Cassandra wants to talk about it, she told Raquel.
Rodney: What do I say to her?
Del Boy: All the things you just told me - well, you can leave the bit about the hairs out. You go home and have a heart-to-heart with her right now. And while you're there, you ask her if she fancies coming round for dinner tonight.
Rodney: Yeah, I'd love to Del, but there is the little matter that I'm stuck in a lift.
Del Boy: Oh yeah. (stands up and opens the control panel) Let's have a look in here.
Rodney: Your claustrophobia cleared up quick, didn't it?
Del Boy: Yeah, I seem to be over the worst.
Rodney: (stands up) Almost as quick as that flu you had this morning.
Del Boy: Well, these things come and go, don't they? Oh look, there's a little switch in here. (presses a switch, and the lift begins moving again) There you go.
Rodney: (angry) You git! You stopped it!
Del Boy: (smiling) It was the only way I could get you talking! You can't run away in a broken lift.
Rodney: You git!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: (laughing) You! You git!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: (taking a smell of the "coffee" Albert just made) Hang about, which coffee did you make this with?
Uncle Albert: That jar over there.
Del Boy: This ain't coffee! Smell it, it's bloody gravy.
Uncle Albert: Yeah, that's gravy. Well it's not my fault it's them jars, look. How am I supposed to tell the difference?
Del Boy: I'll tell you how you tell the difference. This one has on the label, Maxwell Housecoffee and on this one it says Oxogravy granules. Bit of a giveaway really innit?
Uncle Albert: Well I was in a hurry and I got mixed up.
Del Boy: I'll mix you up in a min... Hang on a minute. If you've made gravy in the coffee pot, then what are they pourin' over their dinners in there? (goes to look) All right?
Audrey: Wonderful.
Del Boy: Cushty. (to Albert) They're only doing it. They are only out there doing it now! They are only pourin' Maxwell bleedin' House over their lamb noisewats and veg. I don't believe you. Not only have you managed to sink every battleship and aircraft carrier that you've ever sailed on, but now you've gone and knackered a gravy boat!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Cassandra: (offer Del the "gravy") Del?
Del Boy: NO! I mean no thank you sweetheart, I'm trying to give it up.
Cassandra: Albert?
Uncle Albert: Er, not for me dear.
Del Boy : Oh yes, you'll have some. Come on Albert you know how you like your gravy. (completly covers Albert's dinner in coffee, all Albert can do is sit and watch sadly) Git!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: How much exactly did it go for?
Rodney: Six point two million. Just over three million each.
Del Boy: Well we've had worse days, ain't we?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Come on Rodney, this is our big chance. He who dares wins! This time next year, we could be billionaires!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Trigger: When I go in there, I'll just say I hear voices.
Denzil: Trigger, you're not on trial, you're a character witness.
Trigger: I know. But I still hear voices!
Boycie: Oh, God. This is gonna be one of them days!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Trigger: There's nothing to be nervous about, Denzil. All you've gotta do is go in there and tell the truth.
Denzil: Trigger, if I go in there and tell the truth, Del and Rodney'll spend the next five years sharpening Jeffrey Archer's pencils!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: [regarding the loss of their fortune] Oh, it's my fault, is it!?
Rodeny: Either you, or this is the Chinese Year of the Dodo!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Don't worry Rodney, this time next year, we'll be millionaires!
Rodney: This time last week, we were millionaires!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Trigger: Ain't there any words to this, Dave?
Rodney: Words? No... no words. Sorta instrumental.
Del Boy: What's this?
Trigger: It's Mozart's symphony number 38 in D Major. It's the karaoke version.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Here, Boyce. You know this car's a GTI. If you rearrange the numbers then you got yourself a personalised number plate!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Damien: (to Raquel) Mum, Uncle Rodders says that I'll be horrible when I'm all grown up.
Raquel: As soon as a man hits 21, he leaves all that behind him.
Del Boy: (on the phone) So, I squeezed this tube of onion puree into his hair gel!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: One of my most favouritist meals is Duck à l'Orange, but I don't know how to say that in French.
Rodney: It's canard.
Del Boy: You can say that again bruv!
Rodney: No the French word for duck is canard.
Del Boy: Is it? I thought that was something to do with the QE2?
Rodney: No that's Cunard. They're the ones with the boats and what have you. The French for duck is canard.
Del Boy: Right lovely jubbly. Right, so how do the French say à l'Orange then?
Rodney: A l'Orange!
Del Boy: What, the same as we do?
Rodney: Yes.
Del Boy: Oh dear, it's a pity they don't use more of our words innit eh?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: Here's another one of them, Del! It's like a geriatric Village of the Damned!
Del Boy: I don't know about St. Claire a la Chappelle, they should rename this place "Trottersville"!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: "Captain Corelli's Mandolin? More like Captain Birdseye's Banjo!"

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: We're just gonna have to let him go then.
Rodney: We can't just let him go! A stranger on this estate? Imagine what the gangs will do to him?
Denzil: Yeah. For all we know, he could be part of Al-Qaeda!
Rodney: Don't be stupid, Denzil.
Del Boy: Yeah. I mean, does he look like he works in a furniture store?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Boycie: Have you ever spent a night with Trigger? It's like holding a seance with Mr. Bean.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Gary: Gary!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Sid: This group do a tribute to Robson and Jerome.
Rodney: Why?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Well Boycie, thing is me and Rodney think you've murdered Marlene and buried her in your back garden.
Boycie: How dare you, Murdered my wife and buried her in the garden? I have never been so insulted in my life. You know how much that garden cost me I'm not about to dig it up.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Trigger: (talking about his invention of a backscratcher made from chopsticks) Raquel, can you pass a message onto Del Boy?
Raquel: OK.
Trigger: Tell him there's been a bit of a setback. My paraffin heater melted the chopsticks. I might have to go to a Chinese shop. He'll know what I'm talking about.

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Cassandra: Why do they do that?
Raquel: It's like I've told you, Cassandra. Women are from Venus, men are from Peckham!

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Cassandra: There's you. (realisation hits her)
Rodney: Yeah there's me. July 1960. Before I was born.
Cassandra: Who is it?
Rodney: He's my father.
Cassandra: But your father...
Rodney: My real father, Cass. My biological old man.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Raquel: So who is he?
Del Boy: His name was Freddie Robdal. He was a mate of my dad's.
Rodney: He was known as "The Raffles of Peckham". He was a gentleman safe-cracker. People had mentioned him before and we'd sounded kind of similar. He was a conisiour of fine wines, gourmet of foreign quisine, big art lover, snappy dresser, and big-time charmer.
Cassandra: So, how are you similar?
Rodney: We're about the same height.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: I don't know if you've noticed, but there are no photos of Mum in this house. Well, apart from a couple of close-ups I gave to Rodney.
Raquel: Yeah, but I assumed your dad had taken them when he left home.
Del Boy: Yeah, that's what I thought for years, but he only took money and things he could flog. Then one night, Albert got drunk one night at an old folks' do, and he told me all about Freddie and my mum, and he told me it my Aunt Renee who sorted it all after Mum's funeral. You see every picture of Mum included Freddie Robdal, and Aunt Renee knew that as Rodney got older, people would start to see the stimularities.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: (when Rodney asks if he's anything like his father, Freddie the Frog) Freddie the Frog was a professional burglar. He was disloyal to his friends. He was a womaniser, a home-breaker, a con-man, a thief, a liar, and a cheat... So no Rodney, you're nothing like him.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Can I ask you a question, Rodders?
Rodney: Yeah, alright.
Del Boy: Where did that runway come from?
Rodney: I don't fancy making that film now.
Del Boy: You know what, Rodders? That's a bloody good idea! (both Trotter Brothers laugh)

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
  • Lovely Jubbly!
  • He who dares, wins!
  • This time next year, we'll be millionaires!
  • He who dares Rodney, he who dares.
  • What a plonker!
  • Cushty!
  • Mum said to me on her deathbed...
  • You Wally!!
  • Shut up you tart!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses