Only Fools and Horses Quotes

Lord Henry: (after Del tells him that he is related to the Surrey Trotters) I don't care if you are related to the Surrey Trotters, the Berkshire Trotters, or the Harlem bloody Globetrotters!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Come on Mr Jahan, let's discuss this over a drink, shall we?
Mr Jahan: OK, something non alcoholic.
Del Boy: Mike, a pint of your best Bitter please.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: Did Mum ever...
Uncle Albert: They're rumours, Rodney. That's all, rumours.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Trigger: Hold up, hats off.
Boycie: Hallo, your mini cabs arrived Albert.
Del Boy: Boycie!
Trigger: Is that Dave?
Del Boy: Yeah.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: You git. You rotten GIT! You never told me my new job was a CHIEF MOURNER!!!
Del Boy: Rodney, please show some respect.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: How can you be sure it ain't been found!? Over the past few years, every policeman and underworld figure in the country must have been looking for that gold!
Del Boy: (talking about the gold that was stolen by Freddy the Frog) And what would they have done with it, eh? They either put it through a fence, which meant it becomes public knowledge, or they smelt it down themselves. And if they do that, well that amount of gold coming onto the market causes ripples, the sort of ripples that would be remembered for a long time!
Uncle Albert: What if the police found it?
Del Boy: I'm talking about the police! The chaps never found it either; I had a chat with the Driscoll brothers!
Rodney: [incredulous] You went and saw the Driscoll brothers!?
Uncle Albert: Why, what are they like?
Rodney: Oh, they're smashing blokes, Unc! It's like bumping into the Two Ronnies; Biggs and Kray! And they never sussed out why you were asking question!?
Del Boy: No! I mean, you know what they're like! A couple of years ago, some guru reckoned the world would end within a month, and Danny Driscoll bet a grand that it would! And he's the brains of the outfit!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Uncle Albert: If you knew he was buried at sea, why'd you ask me to bring this shovel?
Del Boy: So I can whack you on the bloody head with it!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: Do I look like him?
Uncle Albert: It was just a rumour, son.
Rodney: Do I look like him?
Uncle Albert: A bit.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: There's gotta be a way! He who dares wins! There's a million quids worth of gold out there - our gold. We can't just say 'bonjour' to it.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: Freddie The Frog. Killed himself by sitting on someone else's detonator...... What a plonker.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Mike: Why does he keep doing it, eh?
Boycie: Gawd knows. I suppose at some time in is life someone told him he could play the piano.
Mike: Yeah, but I'd like to meet the git who told him he could sing!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: You've always been the same, even at school. Nothing but books, learning, education. That's why you're no good at snooker.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: All the things we've ever got from life has come from my intelligence, and my foresight.
Rodney: Well, I'm glad somebody's owned up!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: This flat is in a wonderful position, isn't it? I mean, fifteen minutes from the West End, it's fifteen minutes from the motorway...
Uncle Albert: And fifteen minutes from the ground.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: (to Trigger at the bar in a yuppy club) I think we're on a winner here Trig, play it nice and cool son, nice and cool. You know what I mean? (falls through bar) Drink up Trig, we're leaving.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Well it was one Sunday many years ago!
Rodney: Where was I?
Del Boy: You was down the Mountbatten estate selling them gas conversion kits.
Rodney: You bastard!!! You sent me all the way down there knowing I had chicken pox just so you and Annie bleedin' Oakley could have the flat to yourselves.
Del Boy: It weren't like that Rodders! I was trying to present you with a challenge.
Rodney: What, selling gas conversion kits on an all electric estate? That is a challenge and a half.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Mickey Pearce: Jevon! Jevon!
Jevon: What?
Mickey Pearce: See the blonde bird? I've had her! And her mate. See that black sort at the back there? She's crazy about me! Phones me all the time.
Jevon: You're one hell of a man, Mickey.
Rodney: Mickey, are you doing this for charity?
Mickey Pearce: What d'you mean?
Rodney: Well, I just wondered whether it was sponsored bullshit.
Mickey Pearce: I'm telling you the truth, Rodney!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: It's a videotape recorder, isn't it? It's got a little computer and everything. When you go on your holidays, this thing will record all your programmes for you.
Uncle Albert: Amazing!
Del Boy: Yeah, nothing but the best.
Uncle Albert: How does it know when you're on holiday?
Del Boy: You send it a postcard, don't you?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Uncle Albert: I thought the bloke you bought it from said an idiot could work it?
Del Boy: Yes, ye yes that's right yes! Rodney! Come along it's gone six o'clock!
Rodney: Yes all right! Keep the noise down, will yeh?
Del Boy: Cor blimey look at the state of that, I've seen blokes crawl out of potholes looking smarter than that.
Uncle Albert: You got in late last light son, out with that little bird of yours, what's her name, "Cassandra"?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: Del, these dolls ain't called Barbie or Sindy. These dolls are called Lusty Linda and Erotic Estelle.
Del Boy: You can't have dolls with names like that.
Rodney: You can if you go to the right shops!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Bloody hell! What have WE got ourselves into here?
Rodney: Well this is your fault! You just go rushing into things and to Hell with the consequences!
Del Boy: That's because I've got a high profile!
Rodney: Yeah! High profile and low forehead!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Uncle Albert: They're big for little dolls, ain't they?
Rodney: Unc, they ain't... ordinary dolls. You see them advertised in... magazines.
Uncle Albert: (starts to hunt around the living room) Where's that Radio Times?
Rodney: Albert, have a day off, will yer! I mean... sleazy magazines, for dirty, kinky little men.
Uncle Albert: You're pulling my leg!
Rodney: Oh, am I? Right, you have a look at this, then! (produces an adult magazine from his jacket)

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: No chance of that happening with Rodney, is there? World War III! This plonker can't even get Channel Three!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Boycie: Derek popped in to see me this afternoon.
Trigger: How is he?
Boycie: A lot richer than before he popped in to see me this afternoon. He sold me some video recorders, 70 pounds each, I snapped them up.
Mike: 70 nicker each? What they fall off the back of a lorry?
Boycie: If they did they were going around the bend in Düsseldorf!
Mike: How'd you mean?
Boycie: I've just discovered that these machines only work on the continental current. To make them work on the british system, would take a transformer the size of a suitcase, and an electrician of such genius i'd have to go head hunting at Cape Canaveral!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Hello, Cassandra, very pleased to meet you. Rodney has told me all about you. Don't worry, I'll try not to shout it all about.
Cassandra: That's very nice of you, Derek. Rodney's told me all about you as well, although I must admit I didn't believe him... until now.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Arnie: Doctors gave me six months to live.
Trigger: Well, you don't want to take too much notice of these doctors, Arnie. They'll say anything to get rid of you.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: (upon seeing the chains) What'd you do, rob Mr. T?

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: (to Boycie when Arnie has his "heart attack" in the restaurant) It's Arnie, he's having a Connery!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Boycie: Don't panic. I am a doctor. Stand aside, stand aside, let the dog see the rabbit. (checks Arnie's pulse) Oh yes, very nasty he needs an operation. (searches Arnie's pockets for the key to his handcuff)
Old Woman: He's not a doctor. He's mugging the poor man.

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Boycie: Oi!
Greek Man: You... (punches Boycie on the nose)
Old Woman: Call the police.
Restaurant Manager: Yes madam, I call the police.
Del Boy: It's all right they'll be no need. I am an officer of the law.
Woman: (looking at Del's height) Policemen are taller than that.
Del Boy: I'm a small town policeman. All right sunshine you are knicked. (grabs Boycie and takes him out of the restaurant) Come on, out you go! Rest assured madam when we get him down the police station, we'll give him a bloody good hiding. Come on you!

TV Show: Only Fools and Horses