Mock the Week Quotes
Frankie Boyle: I would have loved to have a gay dad. Do you remember at school, there were always kids saying My dad's bigger than your dad, my dad will batter your dad! So what? My dad will shag your dad. And your dad will enjoy it.
Movie: Mock the Week
Hugh Dennis: [In scenes we'd like to see: what a television announcer is unlikely to say] If you've been affected by the issues raised in Balamory...
Movie: Mock the Week
Hugh Dennis: [Unlikely things to be said during a programme indent] If you were affected by any of the issues raised in tonight's episode of Balamory...
Movie: Mock the Week
Hugh Dennis: [Unlikely things to be said in programme indents] You may be interested to know that I'm completely naked and playing with myself.
Movie: Mock the Week
Mark Watson: If it was a real mini bar, you'd have tiny people being sick outside!
Movie: Mock the Week
Rory Bremner: [what Tony Blair thinks] Keep smiling, kill Gordon Brown Keep smiling, kill Gordon Brown
Movie: Mock the Week
John Oliver: George, even we, as an abstract version of your inner soul, would like to completely disown you.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Dara Ó Briain: Brussels bureaucrats have claimed that the only reason people are rejecting the European Constitution is because they can't be bothered to read it, so it's being renamed Harry Potter and the Unification of Europe.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: [On the topic of education] The government's new education policy, apparently, is to make children stay at school till they're 18. That's just not living in the modern world, is it? 17-year-olds having to go to school; who's going to pick up their kids from primary?
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: [On the topic of education] The Catholic Church got a big thing this week, they say they don't want Sex Education in schools because it will be like giving the kids pornography. As opposed to the traditional Catholic method of educating them of actually shagging them.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: [On the topic of education] Sex Education at my school was a muttered warning about the janitor.
TV Show: Mock the Week
John Oliver: [On the topic of the nation's health] There is absolutely no need to worry about the nation's health, because as we all know, Jamie Oliver is going to save us all.
TV Show: Mock the Week
John Oliver: If Jamie Oliver has only taught me one thing - and he has - it's this: that an unhealthy lifestyle is like a Homing Pigeon; yes, it's a lot of fun at the time, but one day it will track you down and it will kill you.
TV Show: Mock the Week
John Oliver: We'll never give Europe a straight answer; we've spent the last few years constantly sending out mixed messages to Europe. 'Ooh, we're an island, now tunnel into Kent!'
TV Show: Mock the Week
Rory Bremner: [Impersonating George W. Bush] Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: [Impersonating George W. Bush] If you step on the cracks in the pavement, we have to invade Syria.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Rory Bremner: [Impersonating George W. Bush] Tony's coming to Washington. Look busy.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: Welcome to Channel 5 News, thickos!
Hugh Dennis: Oy, you wanna buy some speakers?
Al Murray: Too revolting to describe. But let's have a go, anyway. Basically...
Gina Yashere: The two youths convicted this morning... got what they f***ing deserved!
Frankie Boyle: Okay, they may have acquitted him, but he certainly looked like a pedophile.
John Oliver: You've been watching Sky News. To be honest, I'd double-check everything you've just heard.
Hugh Dennis: Sir Gary Glitter recieved his honor at the palace this morning.
Rory Bremner: Welcome to ITV News... on ice! (Al Murray: He said "unlikely".)
Gina Yashere: The next report may contain images that could give you the horn.
Frankie Boyle: In this next report, Gerry Adams is voiced by an actor...Samuel L. Jackson! [impersonating Jackson] I'll tell you about the peace process, motherfu*#ers!
Hugh Dennis: Oy, you wanna buy some speakers?
Al Murray: Too revolting to describe. But let's have a go, anyway. Basically...
Gina Yashere: The two youths convicted this morning... got what they f***ing deserved!
Frankie Boyle: Okay, they may have acquitted him, but he certainly looked like a pedophile.
John Oliver: You've been watching Sky News. To be honest, I'd double-check everything you've just heard.
Hugh Dennis: Sir Gary Glitter recieved his honor at the palace this morning.
Rory Bremner: Welcome to ITV News... on ice! (Al Murray: He said "unlikely".)
Gina Yashere: The next report may contain images that could give you the horn.
Frankie Boyle: In this next report, Gerry Adams is voiced by an actor...Samuel L. Jackson! [impersonating Jackson] I'll tell you about the peace process, motherfu*#ers!
TV Show: Mock the Week
Dara Ó Briain: [On the Pope's controversial comments on Islam] Vatican security officials have suggested that to reduce the risk of assassination, the Pope should maintain a low-profile, which is easier said than done for a man whose job it is to stand alone on a balcony, dressed all in white with a big cross on his chest.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Dara Ó Briain: Critics have sneered at the news that Lib Dem leader Sir Menzies Campbell keeps a trouser-press beside of his bed. Fogey-ish, perhaps, but still preferable to the large pool of vomit that Charles Kennedy kept beside his.
TV Show: Mock the Week
Dara Ó Briain: [After telling several jokes about a police officer who joined in a couple having sex in public] I have, literally, hundreds of these! [...] Seriously, we could be here all night doing this; 'taking down your particulars,' 'body of evidence,' there's loads!
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: [On the Pope justifying his comments as quotes] It's not a very good excuse in general is it; 'I was quoting a medieval theorist.' It's like: "Did you say my bird's ugly?" "Actually I was just quoting from an ancient text."
Dara Ó Briain: "I believe it was originally Thomas Aquinas who said that your bitch is fat."
Dara Ó Briain: "I believe it was originally Thomas Aquinas who said that your bitch is fat."
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: Didn't the Pope, in his apology, start slagging off the Jews?
Dara Ó Briain: Yeah, the actual quote was: 'it wasn't my fault; the Jews made me do it.'
Dara Ó Briain: Yeah, the actual quote was: 'it wasn't my fault; the Jews made me do it.'
TV Show: Mock the Week
Frankie Boyle: The thing is that he's been quite a boring Pope, and then suddenly he starts laying into the Jews and the Muslims. He's turning into Bernard Manning. [Impersonates Bernard Manning] 'Is there any Hindus in? You think God's an elephant, no wonder you live in shit.'
TV Show: Mock the Week
Hugh Dennis: [On the Pope's controversial comments on Islam] Essentially what he said was that the Muslim world was wrong to use violence. Then the reaction in the Muslim world was: "If you say it's wrong to use violence, we're going to beat you shitless."
TV Show: Mock the Week
Ed Byrne: I remember the last Pope; JP2, as he's known in the street. J-to-the-P-to-the-I-I.
TV Show: Mock the Week