The Vicar of Dibley Quotes

Geraldine: What's worse than not selling any tickets?
Owen Newitt: Well selling one ticket. But selling it to a serial killer.
Jim: No, no, no, no, that's right. Who comes on stage, and slits all our throats, and leaves us all lying in a great pool of blood!

Movie: The Vicar of Dibley
Geraldine: Hello, I'm Geraldine. Believe you're expecting me.
David Horton: No, I'm expecting our new vicar. Unless of course you are the new vicar and they've landed us with a woman [laughs]
David Horton: as some sort of insane joke.
Geraldine: Oh, dear.
David Horton: Oh, my God!
Geraldine: You were expecting a bloke; beard, Bible, bad breath.
David Horton: Yes, that sort of thing.
Geraldine: Yeah. And instead you got a babe with a bob-cut and a magnificent bosom.
David Horton: So I see.

Movie: The Vicar of Dibley
Reverend Geraldine Granger: That Cropley woman really is the Queen of Cordon Bleurgh!

Movie: The Vicar of Dibley
[last lines]
Geraldine Granger: And the winner of the broadcasting prize is, or course, our resident cool dude, Mr Hugo 'Hot-dog' Horton. And on that happy note it's farewell from Radio Dibley. Hit it, Newitt.

Movie: The Vicar of Dibley
[post credits]
Geraldine Granger: So there's this man vicar...
Alice Tinker: Oh!
Geraldine Granger: Yeah. And he's playing golf with his friend, John.
Alice Tinker: John.
Geraldine Granger: John, yup. And John misses a three foot putt.
Alice Tinker: Oh, dear.
Geraldine Granger: Yeah. And he says, "Damn it! Missed the bugger!" and the vicar tuts and he says, "John, you say that once more and God will open up the heavens and send a thunderbolt down to strike you dead." Well, the next thing that happens, John misses a two foot putt, and he says, "Damn it! Missed the bugger!"
Alice Tinker: Uh-oh.
Geraldine Granger: Yes. So the heavens open, a great big thunderbolt comes down and strikes the *vicar* dead. And God says, "Damn it! Missed the bugger!"
Alice Tinker: No, no-no, that, that can't be right, can it? Because God wouldn't miss, 'cause He's God. I mean even though he was standing really close he'd still hit the right one, and he certainly wouldn't swear.
Geraldine Granger: It's a very tiny brain you're housing in there, isn't it?

Movie: The Vicar of Dibley
[post credits]
Geraldine Granger: So three nuns get killed in a car crash.
Alice Tinker: Oh, dear.
Geraldine Granger: Yes, and they get up to heaven.
Alice Tinker: Of course.
Geraldine Granger: And Peter's at the gate and he says, "I'm afraid you're going to have to answer a question before you can come in."
Alice Tinker: Oh!
Geraldine Granger: So he says to the first one, "Don't worry the questions are very easy. What was the name of the first woman?" And she says, "Eve," and he says, "Yep, you're in." And he says to the second one, "Where did Eve live?"
Alice Tinker: Oh yes, I know this.
Geraldine Granger: Yeah, yeah yeah. And she says,
Geraldine Granger, Alice Tinker: "Garden of Eden."
Geraldine Granger: And he says, "Yep, you're in."
Alice Tinker: Phew.
Geraldine Granger: And he says to the third one, which was the mother superior, "I'm afraid the question is going to have to be a little bit more tricky for you."
Alice Tinker: Well, fair enough 'cause...
Geraldine Granger: Yeah, obviously. And he says to her, "What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?" And the mother superior says, "Oh, that's a hard one." And he says, "Yup, you're in." [Geraldine starts laughing]
Alice Tinker: [long pause] Well, she hadn't answered the question.
Geraldine Granger: Pardon?
Alice Tinker: She hadn't answered the question.
Geraldine Granger: How do you mean?
Alice Tinker: He let her in and she

Movie: The Vicar of Dibley
Reverend Pottle: I pray for all the members of this congregation, also for the Queen, who has been having trouble with her piles again, and Mrs. Sinclair Wilson and all her family. (Alice whispers in his ear) Mrs. Sinclair Wilson, who has been having trouble with her piles again, and the Queen and all her family. Amen.

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley
(On deciding to rally the parish council against the appointment of a female vicar)
David Horton: They don't call me Sportin' Horton for nothing!
Hugo Horton: I didn't know they called you Sportin' Horton. I thought they called you Dirty David due to your enormous collection of Victorian pornography!

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley
Geraldine Granger: You were expecting a bloke - beard, bible, bad breath.
David Horton: Yes, that sort of thing.
Geraldine Granger: And instead you got a babe with a bob cut and a magnificent bosom.

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley
David Horton: Owen, this is our new vicar.
Owen Newitt: No it isn't! She's a woman!
Geraldine Granger: Oh! You noticed! [Points to breasts] These are such a giveaway, aren't they?!

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley
Alice: You can call me Alice.
Geraldine: Right.
Alice: Because it's my name.

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley
Geraldine: I've just been visiting my new parishioners. Frankly I think that they would have been less surprised if the new vicar was Mr Blobby.

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley
David Horton: Am I alone on Sundays in preferring not to shake hands with the malodorous creature in the next pew?
Jim Trott: No no no no... I quite like that bit.
David Horton: Let alone kiss them?
Jim Trott: I love that bit!

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley
David Horton: We are, for once, all agreed. Songs of Praise is cheapening, shallow and ridiculous,[Turns to Hugo] Isn't it?
Hugo Horton: Oh yes. Very cheapening.
Mrs Cropley: Utterly shallow.
Frank Pickle: Totally ridiculous.
David Horton: Excellent. Well, let's have a vote on this shall we? Anybody in favour of letting the morons from TV land into our church?

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley
Jim Trott: [Over PA system] No no no no no no no Parking is allowed on the upper field! And no no no no no no no refreshments will be sold in the refreshment tent!

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley
Villager: Is that "No parking is allowed in the upper field", or "Parking is allowed in the upper field"?
Jim Trott: [Over PA system] No no no no no no no Parking is allowed on the upper field! OK?

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley
David Horton: Geraldine Granger has as many celebrity friends as I have contacts in the Black Panther Movement!

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley
David Horton: [delighted] I've just heard the news; what a total and unmitigated cock-up! I thought the fair in '87 was embarrassing when those bloody kids put cannabis in the cupcakes, but this really is the queen of balls-ups! Hundreds of people waiting to see Elton John and you invite "Rambling Sid Rumpot"!
Mrs Cropley: I rather enjoyed the fair in '87. Such larks!

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley
David Horton: I have spent the week investigating the prices of stained glass, and the lowest quote we have is for £11,000.
Owen Newitt: Bugger me! You could have someone killed for that!

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley
David Horton: Dibley can't afford a new window.
Geraldine: Wait a minute! 'Can't' isn't in the Christian Vocabulary!
Owen Newitt: Yes it is! You can't commit Adultery, You can't steal...
Jim Trott: You can't even covet your neighbour's ass. Even if it is very alluring!

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley
David Horton: What was that socialist trout you were spouting from the pulpit last week?
Vicar: I've got a feeling it was the Sermon on the Mount.
David Horton: Jesus did not tell rich people to give all their money away.
Vicar: I think you'll find he did actually!
David Horton: Nonsense. What did he say to the sick man? "Take up thy bed and walk." In other words "Help yourself". "On your bike."
Vicar: Are you trying to establish a direct spiritual link between Jesus Christ and Norman Tebbit?
David Horton: You can't deny there are similarities.
Vicar: (Loudly) There bloody are not!

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley
David Horton: You're the saddest person in the kingdom, and that's including Rolf Harris. (Celebrity Vicar)

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley
Owen Newitt: I am not a lunatic. I have the psychiatric report to prove it. A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour. (Autumn)

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley
Geraldine: That Cropley woman really is the Queen of cordon bleauuuuuu!. (Election)

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley
Geraldine: This Christmas is quite special this year.
Jim: Is Carry On Camping going to be on the telly?
Geraldine: No, no!
Owen: Is Jesus coming back to get rid of all the bad in this sick world?
Geraldine: Not that either, although it would be good to have someone new presenting Songs of Praise! But no, the reason that this year is special to me is that it is my tenth year in Dibley.
Frank: You chose to spend the best ten years of your life - when you could have been having the time of your life - stuck here with us morons! (2004 Christmas Special- "Merry Christmas" episode)

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley
Geraldine: (Geraldine giving her Christmas sermon while heavily drunk) Now on this day a baby was born and his name was ummm... his name was... gosh, I know this... it's written down in that book. Ummm... (looks at Alice for answer).
Alice: (Whispers) Jesus.
Geraldine: Jeremy! No, that's not it.
Alice: (Whispers louder than before) Jesus.
Geraldine: Jesus - no that's not right either. Doesn't matter, whatshisname was a very special child because, one he loved us all, two he had a nice fluffy beard , and three, two, one - THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO!!! (She collapses and falls off the pulpit) (2004 Christmas Special- "Merry Christmas" episode)

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley
Alice: I've done the test and it said I wasn't pregnant. The hamster didn't turn blue or anything.
Geraldine: I'm not sure I'm familiar with this particular pregnancy test.
Alice: Oh, it's how we've always done it here in Dibley. You see, you get a hamster, and you wee on it, and if it turns blue you're pregnant.
Geraldine: Right.

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley
Jim: [drunk, laughing] Knock, knock.
Geraldine: Who's there?
Jim: No, no, no, no! [laughing uncontrollably] No, wait! No, no! Doctor!
Geraldine: [laughing]Doctor who?
Jim: Yes!

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley
Geraldine: And where was Jesus born?
Child: In Dunstable.
Geraldine: Who told you that?
Alice: My mum told me that Jesus was born in Dunstable.
Geraldine: In a stable!

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley
Jim: Well I've been married 37 years and the secret of a sucessful marriage Hugo, is sex and plenty of it.
Hugo: Well, hooray.
Jim: With as many different women as possible.
Geraldine: Oh, God.
Jim: Especially orientals cos they can go on...
Geraldine: Thank you, Jim. What about you, Frank?
Frank: Well, I've never had sex with an oriental.

TV Show: The Vicar of Dibley