Monk Quotes
[Monk and Natalie arrive at the police station]
Natalie Teeger: Captain.
Adrian Monk: Captain, for the record, this was all her idea. I mean, I wouldn't be here if I couldn't drive or had anything else to do.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, I give up. What is it? [Natalie produces a check]
Natalie Teeger: It's a $34 dry cleaning bill to clean the shirt and jacket that Mr. Monk ruined when he ran through the poultry farm to recover the ransom money in the Jimmy Creskow kidnapping case. What are you gonna do about it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Try to ignore it.
Natalie Teeger: No-no-no-no. We've already submitted this twice. It is a work-related expense, and we are entitled to compensation!
Adrian Monk: Not my idea.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, I couldn't agree with you more. I believe you guys are entitled to every dime you can get. But there's nothing I can do about it. Lieutenant Disher is the Disbursement Coordinator.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, where is he?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, he's not here. He called in sick.
Adrian Monk: Is he okay?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know, he didn't sound too good. He's got a bad fever and he's got a cough.
Adrian Monk: With that phlegmy flu thing?
Natalie Teeger: Okay, if Randy isn't here, who is in charge of payout?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That would be the Assistant Disbursement Coordinator.
Natalie Teeger: And who is that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We don't have one. Is there anything else?
Adrian Monk: No, that about covers it.
Natalie Teeger: Captain.
Adrian Monk: Captain, for the record, this was all her idea. I mean, I wouldn't be here if I couldn't drive or had anything else to do.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, I give up. What is it? [Natalie produces a check]
Natalie Teeger: It's a $34 dry cleaning bill to clean the shirt and jacket that Mr. Monk ruined when he ran through the poultry farm to recover the ransom money in the Jimmy Creskow kidnapping case. What are you gonna do about it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Try to ignore it.
Natalie Teeger: No-no-no-no. We've already submitted this twice. It is a work-related expense, and we are entitled to compensation!
Adrian Monk: Not my idea.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, I couldn't agree with you more. I believe you guys are entitled to every dime you can get. But there's nothing I can do about it. Lieutenant Disher is the Disbursement Coordinator.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, where is he?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, he's not here. He called in sick.
Adrian Monk: Is he okay?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know, he didn't sound too good. He's got a bad fever and he's got a cough.
Adrian Monk: With that phlegmy flu thing?
Natalie Teeger: Okay, if Randy isn't here, who is in charge of payout?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That would be the Assistant Disbursement Coordinator.
Natalie Teeger: And who is that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We don't have one. Is there anything else?
Adrian Monk: No, that about covers it.
TV Show: Monk
Natalie Teeger: [after Monk offers to help Stottlemeyer out] I'm sorry. I just can't picture you at one of these.
Adrian Monk: What are you talking about? I used to go all the time. Get a bus into the city and see the Stones.
[cuts to Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer walking through the parking lot]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look at this mess! Oh for God's sakes it's gonna take me all day to find him here! I'm gonna miss a whole day's work! An entire day! Gonna wring his little neck!
Natalie Teeger: Captain, he's just a kid! Don't you just want to stay out here for a minute and calm down before you go inside?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No!
Adrian Monk: Whoa, whoa, hold on. What kind of rock show is this?
Natalie Teeger: It's the biggest festival of the year!
Adrian Monk: Festival?
Natalie Teeger: [blushes] Wait-wait-wait, Mr. Monk, you thought they were real rocks? Like a geology exhibit, like a museum?
Adrian Monk: Maybe. Perfectly understandable mistake.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, not really.
Adrian Monk: What are you talking about? I used to go all the time. Get a bus into the city and see the Stones.
[cuts to Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer walking through the parking lot]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look at this mess! Oh for God's sakes it's gonna take me all day to find him here! I'm gonna miss a whole day's work! An entire day! Gonna wring his little neck!
Natalie Teeger: Captain, he's just a kid! Don't you just want to stay out here for a minute and calm down before you go inside?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No!
Adrian Monk: Whoa, whoa, hold on. What kind of rock show is this?
Natalie Teeger: It's the biggest festival of the year!
Adrian Monk: Festival?
Natalie Teeger: [blushes] Wait-wait-wait, Mr. Monk, you thought they were real rocks? Like a geology exhibit, like a museum?
Adrian Monk: Maybe. Perfectly understandable mistake.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, not really.
TV Show: Monk
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [imagining he is having a conversation with a silent Natalie] What? You think I don't spend enough time with Jared. [pause] Why, because I haven't got a bunch of pictures of him? Doesn't mean anything. How many pictures of Julie do you walk around with? [pause] Oh, I get it: You think I'm avoiding the boys on purpose because I feel guilty about the separation and the fact that I'm dating Linda. Is that it? [pause] Don't you ever shut up? All right, you go that way. Keep your cell phone on. Give me a call if you find him.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk angrily yells at some concertgoers whose blue beachball has hit him twice]
Adrian Monk: Cornea was scratched or bruised! Discoloration! I'm next for the phone.
[Monk mistakenly walks into a port-a-potty a few feet to the left of the payphones. After a few minutes go by in real time, he comes out, refreshed]
Natalie Teeger: Oh! Oh! [runs over] Mr. Monk! What are you doing?!
Adrian Monk: I was just calling for a taxi; they're gonna pick me up out front in about ten minutes!
Natalie Teeger: But, Mr. Monk, that wasn't a phone booth!
Adrian Monk: [muttering to himself] You're right. No that wasn't a phone booth. Natalie, it was that horrible, plastic outhouse! [Natalie starts to walk him away] Oh my god! What was I talking into?! [He begins to realize where he's been] Oh my god! Where, where did I put that quarter?! For the love of God, Natalie, where did I put that quarter?! [A maintenance man breaks open the door of the port-a-potty next to them, and the dead body of Stork Murray falls out]
Natalie Teeger: [gasps] Oh my God!
[Behind them, a woman screams, and people start to gather behind Monk and Natalie]
Adrian Monk: Cornea was scratched or bruised! Discoloration! I'm next for the phone.
[Monk mistakenly walks into a port-a-potty a few feet to the left of the payphones. After a few minutes go by in real time, he comes out, refreshed]
Natalie Teeger: Oh! Oh! [runs over] Mr. Monk! What are you doing?!
Adrian Monk: I was just calling for a taxi; they're gonna pick me up out front in about ten minutes!
Natalie Teeger: But, Mr. Monk, that wasn't a phone booth!
Adrian Monk: [muttering to himself] You're right. No that wasn't a phone booth. Natalie, it was that horrible, plastic outhouse! [Natalie starts to walk him away] Oh my god! What was I talking into?! [He begins to realize where he's been] Oh my god! Where, where did I put that quarter?! For the love of God, Natalie, where did I put that quarter?! [A maintenance man breaks open the door of the port-a-potty next to them, and the dead body of Stork Murray falls out]
Natalie Teeger: [gasps] Oh my God!
[Behind them, a woman screams, and people start to gather behind Monk and Natalie]
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: How long do you think I was in there?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know, Mr. Monk. Maybe a minute.
Adrian Monk: It was rough. It was like some kind of medieval torture device.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I know. I actually read for the Spanish Inquisition. They used to lock people in port-a-johns.
Adrian Monk: That wouldn't surprise me. [a stray blue beachball strikes Monk for the third time] Ow. Natalie, it's-it's time to go. [He starts to walk away]
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, we haven't found the Captain's son. [Kendra Frank comes up to them]
Kendra Frank: Excuse me. I heard some cops talking back there. They said you're some kind of detective.
Adrian Monk: That's true. I am some kind of detective.
Kendra Frank: Hi, I'm Kendra Frank. I'm a roadie for Trafalgar. [She shakes hands with Natalie and then with Monk. Monk hands her a wipe] I was a friend of Stork's. I was more than his friend. I was his sponsor at Narcotics Anonymous.
Natalie Teeger: Uh-huh. And Stork is?
Kendra Frank: The roadie. The roadie they just found.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry.
Adrian Monk: Stork?
Kendra Frank: His real name was Greg Murray. Look, they're trying to say that he OD'd, all right, but that's not possible. He's been clean for 17 months. I know; I talked to him about it every day.
Natalie Teeger: But, Kendra, we were there. We saw a needle in his arm.
Kendra Frank: That's how I know something's wrong. Stork was completely phobic about needles. He was the only roadie I ever met that didn't have a tattoo. I mean he missed a whole South American tour last year because he wouldn't get vaccinated.
Natalie Teeger: Maybe he got over it
Natalie Teeger: I don't know, Mr. Monk. Maybe a minute.
Adrian Monk: It was rough. It was like some kind of medieval torture device.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I know. I actually read for the Spanish Inquisition. They used to lock people in port-a-johns.
Adrian Monk: That wouldn't surprise me. [a stray blue beachball strikes Monk for the third time] Ow. Natalie, it's-it's time to go. [He starts to walk away]
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, we haven't found the Captain's son. [Kendra Frank comes up to them]
Kendra Frank: Excuse me. I heard some cops talking back there. They said you're some kind of detective.
Adrian Monk: That's true. I am some kind of detective.
Kendra Frank: Hi, I'm Kendra Frank. I'm a roadie for Trafalgar. [She shakes hands with Natalie and then with Monk. Monk hands her a wipe] I was a friend of Stork's. I was more than his friend. I was his sponsor at Narcotics Anonymous.
Natalie Teeger: Uh-huh. And Stork is?
Kendra Frank: The roadie. The roadie they just found.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry.
Adrian Monk: Stork?
Kendra Frank: His real name was Greg Murray. Look, they're trying to say that he OD'd, all right, but that's not possible. He's been clean for 17 months. I know; I talked to him about it every day.
Natalie Teeger: But, Kendra, we were there. We saw a needle in his arm.
Kendra Frank: That's how I know something's wrong. Stork was completely phobic about needles. He was the only roadie I ever met that didn't have a tattoo. I mean he missed a whole South American tour last year because he wouldn't get vaccinated.
Natalie Teeger: Maybe he got over it
TV Show: Monk
[Noticing Randy in the crowd, Stottlemeyer calls him from a few feet away.]
Lt. Randall Disher: [feigning illness] Hello?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, Randy. How ya doing, buddy? I-I was worried about you.
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep?
Lt. Randall Disher: [fake coughs] What time is it?
[Long pause]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh I'm sorry! Did I wake you up? Hey, what's that music I hear?
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, [fake coughs] it's my stereo. It's broken. I can't turn it down.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's LOUD!
Lt. Randall Disher: Listen, Captain, thanks for calling.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sure.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm going to get up now and make myself some soup.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Soup? Yeah soup is good; fluids are good. Drink plenty of fluids.
Lt. Randall Disher: Fluids. Okay, thanks for calling, Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Take care. [Randy hangs up, turns to a woman next to him and says]
Lt. Randall Disher: My boss! [Stottlemeyer puts his hand on Randy's shoulder] Whoa. Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant.
Lt. Randall Disher: Did you, uh, did you call in sick, too?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, Randy. I'm looking for Jared.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, here's what happened with me: I was on my way to a doctor, and uh... I got nothing. Let's go find Jared. [takes one last sip from his beer bottle before putting it down and walking away with Stottlemeyer]
Lt. Randall Disher: [feigning illness] Hello?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, Randy. How ya doing, buddy? I-I was worried about you.
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep?
Lt. Randall Disher: [fake coughs] What time is it?
[Long pause]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh I'm sorry! Did I wake you up? Hey, what's that music I hear?
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, [fake coughs] it's my stereo. It's broken. I can't turn it down.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's LOUD!
Lt. Randall Disher: Listen, Captain, thanks for calling.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sure.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm going to get up now and make myself some soup.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Soup? Yeah soup is good; fluids are good. Drink plenty of fluids.
Lt. Randall Disher: Fluids. Okay, thanks for calling, Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Take care. [Randy hangs up, turns to a woman next to him and says]
Lt. Randall Disher: My boss! [Stottlemeyer puts his hand on Randy's shoulder] Whoa. Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant.
Lt. Randall Disher: Did you, uh, did you call in sick, too?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, Randy. I'm looking for Jared.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, here's what happened with me: I was on my way to a doctor, and uh... I got nothing. Let's go find Jared. [takes one last sip from his beer bottle before putting it down and walking away with Stottlemeyer]
TV Show: Monk
[Monk, Natalie, and Kendra Frank are questioning an acupuncture lady about her encounter with "Stork"]
Annie: Black bandanna and sunglasses?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, it was this morning around 7: 30.
Annie: I remember. He was my first customer. [pause] Oh was that the boy who died? The overdose? Heartbreaking. [to her patient] How does that feel?
Adrian Monk: Horrible. [Monk recoils as Annie inserts another needle into her patient's back. Kendra hands a photo to Annie]
Kendra Frank: Look, are you sure that's him?
Annie: He was a friend of yours. I'm sorry.
Natalie Teeger: Did he say anything?
Annie: No, not much. He just told me a story about how he met Eric Clapton.
Kendra Frank: [to Monk and Natalie] He loved Eric Clapton. [Annie is fidgeting around for something]
Annie: No....
[Monk attempts to straighten a needle on Annie's patient, and the patient promptly exclaims in pain]
Natalie Teeger: Detective!
Annie: And he dropped this. [She shows them an earring]
Kendra Frank: Oh my god. I made this for him! He loved this earring.
[Monk reaches out to try to straighten the same needle, but Natalie swats his arm to the side]
Adrian Monk: Did he say anything else?
Kendra Frank: Please, Annie, I have to know.
Annie: He asked me where could score some H.
Adrian Monk: Heroin. H. Starts with an "H," heroin. It's street talk.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I get it.
Annie: He said he was giving up; he wanted to get high. He said he used to be afraid of needles but he got over it.
Kendra Frank: I-I don't believe this!
Annie
Annie: Black bandanna and sunglasses?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, it was this morning around 7: 30.
Annie: I remember. He was my first customer. [pause] Oh was that the boy who died? The overdose? Heartbreaking. [to her patient] How does that feel?
Adrian Monk: Horrible. [Monk recoils as Annie inserts another needle into her patient's back. Kendra hands a photo to Annie]
Kendra Frank: Look, are you sure that's him?
Annie: He was a friend of yours. I'm sorry.
Natalie Teeger: Did he say anything?
Annie: No, not much. He just told me a story about how he met Eric Clapton.
Kendra Frank: [to Monk and Natalie] He loved Eric Clapton. [Annie is fidgeting around for something]
Annie: No....
[Monk attempts to straighten a needle on Annie's patient, and the patient promptly exclaims in pain]
Natalie Teeger: Detective!
Annie: And he dropped this. [She shows them an earring]
Kendra Frank: Oh my god. I made this for him! He loved this earring.
[Monk reaches out to try to straighten the same needle, but Natalie swats his arm to the side]
Adrian Monk: Did he say anything else?
Kendra Frank: Please, Annie, I have to know.
Annie: He asked me where could score some H.
Adrian Monk: Heroin. H. Starts with an "H," heroin. It's street talk.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I get it.
Annie: He said he was giving up; he wanted to get high. He said he used to be afraid of needles but he got over it.
Kendra Frank: I-I don't believe this!
Annie
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Natalie are at the first aid clinic after Monk has burnt his pointer fingers]
Red Cross Volunteer: [prescribing a cream to Natalie] This should help. Just rub this in twice a day. Did he really touch a heat lamp? Why?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know.
Red Cross Volunteer: What about the other hand?
Natalie Teeger: He kept touching it. [pause] I don't know. [Monk, visibly bothered, walks over to the stretcher on which Stork's body is resting on]
Red Cross Volunteer: They found him in a port-a-john. Can you believe it?
Natalie Teeger: I know, we were there when it happened. He was so young.
Red Cross Volunteer: Overdose. The medical examiner will be here soon. If you could just step back...
Adrian Monk: No-no-no. It's okay. I'm a police officer, at least I used to. There's no mud.
Natalie Teeger: Excuse me?
Adrian Monk: On his boots, there's no mud. There was mud all around those outhouses.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, but they carried him out.
Adrian Monk: All right, but who carried him in? [He lifts up part of the sheet to uncover the face and the right arm] No other track marks. [notices the victim's personal effects] Are these his? [picks up a rubber strap] This rubber strap was around his arm?
Red Cross Volunteer: That's right. I took it off myself.
Adrian Monk: Do you work with drug addicts a lot?
Red Cross Volunteer: It goes with the territory.
Adrian Monk: Natalie. [Natalie extends her right arm, allowing Monk to put the strap on] Do they wrap it around like this, and tie it in a knot?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, like... this. [She makes a knot]
Adrian Monk: And then...
Red Cross Volunteer: [prescribing a cream to Natalie] This should help. Just rub this in twice a day. Did he really touch a heat lamp? Why?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know.
Red Cross Volunteer: What about the other hand?
Natalie Teeger: He kept touching it. [pause] I don't know. [Monk, visibly bothered, walks over to the stretcher on which Stork's body is resting on]
Red Cross Volunteer: They found him in a port-a-john. Can you believe it?
Natalie Teeger: I know, we were there when it happened. He was so young.
Red Cross Volunteer: Overdose. The medical examiner will be here soon. If you could just step back...
Adrian Monk: No-no-no. It's okay. I'm a police officer, at least I used to. There's no mud.
Natalie Teeger: Excuse me?
Adrian Monk: On his boots, there's no mud. There was mud all around those outhouses.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, but they carried him out.
Adrian Monk: All right, but who carried him in? [He lifts up part of the sheet to uncover the face and the right arm] No other track marks. [notices the victim's personal effects] Are these his? [picks up a rubber strap] This rubber strap was around his arm?
Red Cross Volunteer: That's right. I took it off myself.
Adrian Monk: Do you work with drug addicts a lot?
Red Cross Volunteer: It goes with the territory.
Adrian Monk: Natalie. [Natalie extends her right arm, allowing Monk to put the strap on] Do they wrap it around like this, and tie it in a knot?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, like... this. [She makes a knot]
Adrian Monk: And then...
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer and Disher are leading Jared back to the car]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Forget about it, Jared. You're under house arrest; you're grounded for two weeks. [Monk, Natalie and Kendra catch up with them]
Adrian Monk: Captain! Captain!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, can we get out of here? [notices Kendra] Who's this?
Natalie Teeger: This is Kendra; she's a friend of the guy they found in the port-a-john.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, yeah, I heard about that. Overdose?
Adrian Monk: I don't think so. I think he was murdered. We can't leave yet.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Forget about it, Jared. You're under house arrest; you're grounded for two weeks. [Monk, Natalie and Kendra catch up with them]
Adrian Monk: Captain! Captain!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, can we get out of here? [notices Kendra] Who's this?
Natalie Teeger: This is Kendra; she's a friend of the guy they found in the port-a-john.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, yeah, I heard about that. Overdose?
Adrian Monk: I don't think so. I think he was murdered. We can't leave yet.
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer checks out a port-a-john]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Did you put this up? [shows a handwritten "OUT OF ORDER" sign to the maintenance man]
Maintenance Guy: Not me, no.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And it was definitely locked from the inside?
Maintenance Guy: Yes, sir. We had to jimmy it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [speaks into his walkie-talkie] He says it was locked from the inside. [Monk is on the hill, communicating with Stottlemeyer]
Adrian Monk: They could have rigged the lock. Over.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know, it would help things if you were to stand a little closer.
Adrian Monk: That's not gonna happen. Over.
[By the barricades marking the crime scene, Kendra Frank asks Natalie]
Kendra Frank: So this is how he does it? From 100 feet away?
Natalie Teeger: Not all the time!
[Stottlemeyer looks inside the port-a-john]
Annoyed girl in line: How long are you gonna be?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: As long as it takes, miss. This is a crime scene.
Annoyed Girl: With only one cop?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, it's not just me. You see that guy up there on the hill? He's a cop. [points to Monk] And this guy here's a police officer. [gestures to Randy, who is looking towards the stage]
Lt. Randall Disher: These guys are great. Oh I hope they do "Killer Machine". [calls out] "KILLER MACHINE!"
[Natalie and Kendra Frank are less than impressed]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [into his walkie-talkie] I'm checking out the lock here. There are some scratches.
Adrian Monk: Are they recent? Over.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: <
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Did you put this up? [shows a handwritten "OUT OF ORDER" sign to the maintenance man]
Maintenance Guy: Not me, no.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And it was definitely locked from the inside?
Maintenance Guy: Yes, sir. We had to jimmy it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [speaks into his walkie-talkie] He says it was locked from the inside. [Monk is on the hill, communicating with Stottlemeyer]
Adrian Monk: They could have rigged the lock. Over.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know, it would help things if you were to stand a little closer.
Adrian Monk: That's not gonna happen. Over.
[By the barricades marking the crime scene, Kendra Frank asks Natalie]
Kendra Frank: So this is how he does it? From 100 feet away?
Natalie Teeger: Not all the time!
[Stottlemeyer looks inside the port-a-john]
Annoyed girl in line: How long are you gonna be?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: As long as it takes, miss. This is a crime scene.
Annoyed Girl: With only one cop?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, it's not just me. You see that guy up there on the hill? He's a cop. [points to Monk] And this guy here's a police officer. [gestures to Randy, who is looking towards the stage]
Lt. Randall Disher: These guys are great. Oh I hope they do "Killer Machine". [calls out] "KILLER MACHINE!"
[Natalie and Kendra Frank are less than impressed]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [into his walkie-talkie] I'm checking out the lock here. There are some scratches.
Adrian Monk: Are they recent? Over.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: <
TV Show: Monk
[Monk, Natalie and Kendra locate and question Kris Kedder, who is playing "Peggy's Gone to Memphis"]
Kris Kedder: [singing] "Peggy's gone to Memphis / Daddy's all alone..." [Monk, Natalie and Kendra come up. Kedder stops]
Kendra Frank: Excuse me. This is Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger. They're with the cops.
Kris Kedder: Cops?
Kendra Frank: Yeah, they're looking into what happened to Stork.
Kris Kedder: What's the big mystery? He's been chasing that dragon for years. I tried to help him.
Kendra Frank: When did you try to help him? [to Monk] See now that he's dead, everyone's his best friend. Where were you when he was sinking?
Kris Kedder: Where were you? [he starts playing again] "Peggy's gone to Memphis / She didn't wanna go / Signed that piece of paper / Now Daddy's all alone..."
Natalie Teeger: That's a nice song.
Kris Kedder: Thank you. It comes out next week. You should buy a copy. In fact, buy two. I've got my eyes on this new beachhouse.
Adrian Monk: You are Kris Kedder, the famous rock-and-roll... song singer? [Several young women behind Kedder blush]
Kris Kedder: I guess I am. [Monk produces the guitar string from the outhouse]
Adrian Monk: Right. This was found at the crime scene. It is from a 12 string guitar.
Natalie Teeger: You're the only musician that has one.
Kris Kedder: I am.
Roadie: So what are you saying? That Stork was strangled?
Adrian Monk: I'm not saying anything. Just asking questions. Let's all just chill, you know, out.
Kris Kedder: Hey man, anybody could have taken it. I don't lock my case.
[He plays another chord, off-key]
Adrian Monk: You'
Kris Kedder: [singing] "Peggy's gone to Memphis / Daddy's all alone..." [Monk, Natalie and Kendra come up. Kedder stops]
Kendra Frank: Excuse me. This is Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger. They're with the cops.
Kris Kedder: Cops?
Kendra Frank: Yeah, they're looking into what happened to Stork.
Kris Kedder: What's the big mystery? He's been chasing that dragon for years. I tried to help him.
Kendra Frank: When did you try to help him? [to Monk] See now that he's dead, everyone's his best friend. Where were you when he was sinking?
Kris Kedder: Where were you? [he starts playing again] "Peggy's gone to Memphis / She didn't wanna go / Signed that piece of paper / Now Daddy's all alone..."
Natalie Teeger: That's a nice song.
Kris Kedder: Thank you. It comes out next week. You should buy a copy. In fact, buy two. I've got my eyes on this new beachhouse.
Adrian Monk: You are Kris Kedder, the famous rock-and-roll... song singer? [Several young women behind Kedder blush]
Kris Kedder: I guess I am. [Monk produces the guitar string from the outhouse]
Adrian Monk: Right. This was found at the crime scene. It is from a 12 string guitar.
Natalie Teeger: You're the only musician that has one.
Kris Kedder: I am.
Roadie: So what are you saying? That Stork was strangled?
Adrian Monk: I'm not saying anything. Just asking questions. Let's all just chill, you know, out.
Kris Kedder: Hey man, anybody could have taken it. I don't lock my case.
[He plays another chord, off-key]
Adrian Monk: You'
TV Show: Monk
[Monk, Natalie, and Kendra, along with Kedder, are in Stork's trailer]
Adrian Monk: [to Kendra] What did you do if one of you wanted to be happy?
[A few feet away, Kedder takes a shot from his inhaler. Monk and Natalie glare at him]
Kris Kedder: Asthma, since I was a kid.
Natalie Teeger: [sniffs] It smells like mint.
Kris Kedder: It's imported from Denmark. Want a hit?
Natalie Teeger: No thank you.
Adrian Monk: [to Kendra] What did you do if one of you wanted to be happy?
[A few feet away, Kedder takes a shot from his inhaler. Monk and Natalie glare at him]
Kris Kedder: Asthma, since I was a kid.
Natalie Teeger: [sniffs] It smells like mint.
Kris Kedder: It's imported from Denmark. Want a hit?
Natalie Teeger: No thank you.
TV Show: Monk
[last lines. Kedder is being led in handcuffs to a police car]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to a uniformed cop] Be careful with this. Detective Kramer is waiting for this at the lab.
[Monk and Natalie see Randy's new Kris Kedder T-shirt]
Lt. Randall Disher: Whaddaya think? Sweet, huh?
Natalie Teeger: Oh that's gonna be worth a fortune when he's convicted!
Lt. Randall Disher: So Monk, what did you think of your first rock concert?
Adrian Monk: Ah I still like the old songs. Why don't people write old songs?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know, Mr. Monk. [They leave for the parking lot while Stottlemeyer and Jared stop by a photo booth]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, we'll meet you guys back at the car. [to Jared] Hey Jared. How 'bout a picture for my wallet? So I have a good one for the next time you take off. [Stottlemeyer and Jared sit in the photo booth, and they receive three photos - one of them with no emotion, one of them with Randy in the middle, and one of just Stottlemeyer and Jared sitting and smiling]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to a uniformed cop] Be careful with this. Detective Kramer is waiting for this at the lab.
[Monk and Natalie see Randy's new Kris Kedder T-shirt]
Lt. Randall Disher: Whaddaya think? Sweet, huh?
Natalie Teeger: Oh that's gonna be worth a fortune when he's convicted!
Lt. Randall Disher: So Monk, what did you think of your first rock concert?
Adrian Monk: Ah I still like the old songs. Why don't people write old songs?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know, Mr. Monk. [They leave for the parking lot while Stottlemeyer and Jared stop by a photo booth]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, we'll meet you guys back at the car. [to Jared] Hey Jared. How 'bout a picture for my wallet? So I have a good one for the next time you take off. [Stottlemeyer and Jared sit in the photo booth, and they receive three photos - one of them with no emotion, one of them with Randy in the middle, and one of just Stottlemeyer and Jared sitting and smiling]
TV Show: Monk
Holding Cell Inmate: What are you doing?
Jack Monk: I'm speed-reading.
Holding Cell Inmate: What's your rush?
Jack Monk: I'm old.
Jack Monk: I'm speed-reading.
Holding Cell Inmate: What's your rush?
Jack Monk: I'm old.
TV Show: Monk
Holding Cell Cop: Jack Monk, your son is here.
[Jack stands up and sees Stottlemeyer]
Jack Monk: I'm looking at you, but I see your mother.
Stottlemeyer: Uh, no sir, I'm Captain Stottlemeyer. This is Adrian.
Jack Monk: [covering] That man looks just like your mother!
[Jack stands up and sees Stottlemeyer]
Jack Monk: I'm looking at you, but I see your mother.
Stottlemeyer: Uh, no sir, I'm Captain Stottlemeyer. This is Adrian.
Jack Monk: [covering] That man looks just like your mother!
TV Show: Monk
Jack Monk: What I want? Two things. A: forgive me. Forgive your father. I was negligent and I was selfish, and I'm very sorry. And B is: get me the hell outta Dodge. But if you can only do one, I'll take B. I gotta be in Phoenix in the morning.
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: He never loved me! He doesn't love anyone except maybe Jack, Jr.!
Natalie Teeger: Jack, Jr.?
Adrian Monk: His other son! He gave him a bike! I never got a bike!
Natalie Teeger: [aside] There's another brother!
Stottlemeyer/Disher: Whoa...
Natalie Teeger: Jack, Jr.?
Adrian Monk: His other son! He gave him a bike! I never got a bike!
Natalie Teeger: [aside] There's another brother!
Stottlemeyer/Disher: Whoa...
TV Show: Monk
[Jack and Adrian's truck is careening down the hill, out of control.]
Jack Monk: I gotta say something: I'm sorry! I'm sorry I wasn't there for you and Ambrose! I'm so sorry! Oh, I'm a bad father! That's all that matters!
Adrian Monk: You're not a bad father! Look at Jack, Jr.!
Jack Monk: He's a putz!
Adrian Monk: What?
Jack Monk: Actually, he's not even a putz! He dreams one day of becoming a putz! He lives downstairs in my basement, he smokes pot all day long, he steals money from my wallet!
Adrian Monk: He's not a doctor?
Jack Monk: No, I made it all up! I lied! I wanted to have a son I could be proud of! I didn't know I had one in San Francisco.
Jack Monk: I gotta say something: I'm sorry! I'm sorry I wasn't there for you and Ambrose! I'm so sorry! Oh, I'm a bad father! That's all that matters!
Adrian Monk: You're not a bad father! Look at Jack, Jr.!
Jack Monk: He's a putz!
Adrian Monk: What?
Jack Monk: Actually, he's not even a putz! He dreams one day of becoming a putz! He lives downstairs in my basement, he smokes pot all day long, he steals money from my wallet!
Adrian Monk: He's not a doctor?
Jack Monk: No, I made it all up! I lied! I wanted to have a son I could be proud of! I didn't know I had one in San Francisco.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk notices that Natalie is drinking a bottle of mouthwash]
Adrian Monk: Are you drinking that? Where's the one whose been lecturing me all week about compassion and tolerance?
Natalie Teeger: OK you know what? It's not funny. You didn't have your tongue down his throat.
Adrian Monk: I shook hands with one.
Natalie Teeger: Your leper wasn't even a real leper! Mine's was the real deal!
Adrian Monk: You know the old saying, "There's no heart so black as the black, black heart of the phony leper."
Natalie Teeger: No. I never heard that one.
Adrian Monk: Are you drinking that? Where's the one whose been lecturing me all week about compassion and tolerance?
Natalie Teeger: OK you know what? It's not funny. You didn't have your tongue down his throat.
Adrian Monk: I shook hands with one.
Natalie Teeger: Your leper wasn't even a real leper! Mine's was the real deal!
Adrian Monk: You know the old saying, "There's no heart so black as the black, black heart of the phony leper."
Natalie Teeger: No. I never heard that one.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk realizes he was conned]
Adrian Monk: Julie, I was duped.
Julie Teeger: A leper-con.
Adrian Monk: What?
Julie Teeger: [giggles] Was he magically delicious?
[Natalie bursts in, having come back from her date with Dr. Polanski]
Natalie Teeger: Okay, I'll take to you later! Bye! [She immediately runs to the sink and turns on the faucet, drinking directly form the tap] I need it hotter!
Julie Teeger: Are you okay?
Natalie Teeger: I'm fine! [She turns off the tap and turns to Julie] Julie, sweetheart, I need you to do me something: I need you go upstairs and fill the bathtub with Listerine! Go-go-go-go-go-go! [Julie does so]
Adrian Monk: Julie, I was duped.
Julie Teeger: A leper-con.
Adrian Monk: What?
Julie Teeger: [giggles] Was he magically delicious?
[Natalie bursts in, having come back from her date with Dr. Polanski]
Natalie Teeger: Okay, I'll take to you later! Bye! [She immediately runs to the sink and turns on the faucet, drinking directly form the tap] I need it hotter!
Julie Teeger: Are you okay?
Natalie Teeger: I'm fine! [She turns off the tap and turns to Julie] Julie, sweetheart, I need you to do me something: I need you go upstairs and fill the bathtub with Listerine! Go-go-go-go-go-go! [Julie does so]
TV Show: Monk
[Julie is taking some french fries out of the oven]
Adrian Monk: No! Your mom said no junk food. I'm supposed to be babysitting you.
Julie Teeger: Mom said I was supposed to be watching you!
Adrian Monk: You are mistaken.
Julie Teeger: Are you getting paid?
Adrian Monk: Of course I am.
Julie Teeger: How much?
Adrian Monk: I think that is between me and your mother. Are you?
Julie Teeger: $8.50 an hour.
Adrian Monk: An hour? [Pause] I guess you're the boss.
Adrian Monk: No! Your mom said no junk food. I'm supposed to be babysitting you.
Julie Teeger: Mom said I was supposed to be watching you!
Adrian Monk: You are mistaken.
Julie Teeger: Are you getting paid?
Adrian Monk: Of course I am.
Julie Teeger: How much?
Adrian Monk: I think that is between me and your mother. Are you?
Julie Teeger: $8.50 an hour.
Adrian Monk: An hour? [Pause] I guess you're the boss.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk is STILL scrubbing his hands the morning after he first meets Derek Bronson]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk! All you did was shake the man's hand!
Adrian Monk: You're right. This isn't enough.
Natalie Teeger: You've been washing your hands for six hours! I'm surprised you have any skin left.
[Monk takes out a can of kerosene, pours it all over his hand, and throws Natalie a lighter]
Natalie Teeger: What is that? Is that kerosene?!
Adrian Monk: Light me. Light me on fire.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, I'm not going to light your hand on fire!
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk! All you did was shake the man's hand!
Adrian Monk: You're right. This isn't enough.
Natalie Teeger: You've been washing your hands for six hours! I'm surprised you have any skin left.
[Monk takes out a can of kerosene, pours it all over his hand, and throws Natalie a lighter]
Natalie Teeger: What is that? Is that kerosene?!
Adrian Monk: Light me. Light me on fire.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, I'm not going to light your hand on fire!
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Natalie are talking to Dr. Polanski]
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Well, how about this: if you do contract the disease, I'll treat you for free.
Adrian Monk: What the hell are you talking about? How about this: we never call the guy back, we don't see him again, I avoid him like the plague. Yeah, you know what? Exactly like the plague!
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Well, how about this: if you do contract the disease, I'll treat you for free.
Adrian Monk: What the hell are you talking about? How about this: we never call the guy back, we don't see him again, I avoid him like the plague. Yeah, you know what? Exactly like the plague!
TV Show: Monk
[The judge at the probate hearing wants to verify Monk's memory by having him describe his shirt while turned away]
Judge Lawrence Barr: Could you describe my shirt?
Adrian Monk: Which one?
Judge Lawrence Barr: Which one?
Adrian Monk: The shirt you're wearing or the shirt that your stenographer is wearing? That's your shirt, too, isn't it? You cut yourself shaving - there's a little drop of blood on her collar.
Judge Lawrence Barr: What are you implying?
Adrian Monk: You were having a sex affair on that couch. The cushions are all backwards, and one her earrings fell off. [He walks over to the couch, and picks up the earring in question with his tweezers] She must have torn her blouse. I can see it sticking out of her briefcase.
Judge Lawrence Barr: Could you describe my shirt?
Adrian Monk: Which one?
Judge Lawrence Barr: Which one?
Adrian Monk: The shirt you're wearing or the shirt that your stenographer is wearing? That's your shirt, too, isn't it? You cut yourself shaving - there's a little drop of blood on her collar.
Judge Lawrence Barr: What are you implying?
Adrian Monk: You were having a sex affair on that couch. The cushions are all backwards, and one her earrings fell off. [He walks over to the couch, and picks up the earring in question with his tweezers] She must have torn her blouse. I can see it sticking out of her briefcase.
TV Show: Monk
Julie: [Referring to Monk's new friend, Hal Tucker] I like him.
Natalie: Me, too. I wonder what he's up to.
Natalie: Me, too. I wonder what he's up to.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk faces an unplanned job interview with Paul Buchanan]
Paul Buchanan: All right, so you're here from the agency. Where's your resume?
Adrian Monk: I... lost it.
Paul Buchanan: You lost your resume? That doesn't bode well, does it? What's your name?
Adrian Monk: Adrian....
Paul Buchanan: Adrian?
[Monk briefly glances at the spine of a copy of the bookMoby-Dick, then looks back up]
Adrian Monk: Melville. Adrian Melville.
[Paul Buchanan notices the cleanliness of the room]
Paul Buchanan: What's with this place? I had friends over last night and the place was a mess.
Adrian Monk: While I was waiting, I sort of tidied up.
Paul Buchanan: I'm impressed. Very well done, Adrian Melville. Did you do this? [Referring to a jigsaw puzzle on the table]
Adrian Monk: Yes, sorry, I couldn't help myself.
Paul Buchanan: What, in 20 minutes? I've been working on this puzzle for a month!
Paul Buchanan: All right, so you're here from the agency. Where's your resume?
Adrian Monk: I... lost it.
Paul Buchanan: You lost your resume? That doesn't bode well, does it? What's your name?
Adrian Monk: Adrian....
Paul Buchanan: Adrian?
[Monk briefly glances at the spine of a copy of the bookMoby-Dick, then looks back up]
Adrian Monk: Melville. Adrian Melville.
[Paul Buchanan notices the cleanliness of the room]
Paul Buchanan: What's with this place? I had friends over last night and the place was a mess.
Adrian Monk: While I was waiting, I sort of tidied up.
Paul Buchanan: I'm impressed. Very well done, Adrian Melville. Did you do this? [Referring to a jigsaw puzzle on the table]
Adrian Monk: Yes, sorry, I couldn't help myself.
Paul Buchanan: What, in 20 minutes? I've been working on this puzzle for a month!
TV Show: Monk
Paul Buchanan: Tell me, Melville, who have you worked for? Anybody I know?
Adrian Monk: Hmmm, I don't think so. Leland Stottlemeyer of the San Francisco... Stottlemeyers, Randy Disher, Dr. Charles Kroger...
Paul Buchanan: No, I don't know them.
Adrian Monk: And Natalie Teeger.
Paul Buchanan: Natalie? She grew up right down the street. I went to school with her when she was still Natalie Davenport. She had a big crush on me and wouldn't leave me alone.
Adrian Monk: Is that right?
Paul Buchanan: How does she look? Does she still have that tattoo?
Adrian Monk: She has a tattoo?
Paul Buchanan: Well you wouldn't have seen it, not where she put it. [He takes a drink] Look, I'm having a big luncheon on Sunday. A bunch of the old fossils from the family foundation. Do you think Natalie would show up? It would make the afternoon a whole lot better.
Adrian Monk: I don't think... [Buchanan gives him a look] maybe.
Paul Buchanan: Well, Adrian Melville, I go with my gut and my gut likes what it sees. If Natalie Teeger recommends you, that's good enough for me. Congratulations, you're my new butler.
Adrian Monk: I'm your butler?
Adrian Monk: Hmmm, I don't think so. Leland Stottlemeyer of the San Francisco... Stottlemeyers, Randy Disher, Dr. Charles Kroger...
Paul Buchanan: No, I don't know them.
Adrian Monk: And Natalie Teeger.
Paul Buchanan: Natalie? She grew up right down the street. I went to school with her when she was still Natalie Davenport. She had a big crush on me and wouldn't leave me alone.
Adrian Monk: Is that right?
Paul Buchanan: How does she look? Does she still have that tattoo?
Adrian Monk: She has a tattoo?
Paul Buchanan: Well you wouldn't have seen it, not where she put it. [He takes a drink] Look, I'm having a big luncheon on Sunday. A bunch of the old fossils from the family foundation. Do you think Natalie would show up? It would make the afternoon a whole lot better.
Adrian Monk: I don't think... [Buchanan gives him a look] maybe.
Paul Buchanan: Well, Adrian Melville, I go with my gut and my gut likes what it sees. If Natalie Teeger recommends you, that's good enough for me. Congratulations, you're my new butler.
Adrian Monk: I'm your butler?
TV Show: Monk
[Monk is seen rearranging the table setting for the Buchanan estate luncheon in five days, with all the maids standing around him]
Mrs. Murphy: [hesitantly] Mr. Melville, it's 2: 30 in the morning! We've been here all night! Luncheon isn't until Sunday afternoon, sir.
Mrs. Murphy: [hesitantly] Mr. Melville, it's 2: 30 in the morning! We've been here all night! Luncheon isn't until Sunday afternoon, sir.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Natalie arrive at the Buchanan estate's driveway]
Adrian Monk: Wow.
Natalie Teeger: I know, wow. 14 bedrooms. [The car stops]
Adrian Monk: And he wanted to marry you?
Natalie Teeger: Okay let me just tell you something about Paul Buchanan: He basically stalked me for three years, all during high school. He just kept on asking me out. He wouldn't take "drop dead" for an answer. The week before my senior prom, somebody mugged my boyfriend! They broke his jaw and both of his legs.
Adrian Monk: 14 bedrooms.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk! He beat up my boyfriend, or hired some thug to do it! He thinks he can get away with anything.
Adrian Monk: Like killing his father?
Natalie Teeger: I wouldn’t put it past him. All right, so the garage is back there. The Morgan is inside. He hasn’t even bothered to fix it.
Adrian Monk: How do you know?
Natalie Teeger: My father saw it the last time he was here.
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay. Let’s take a look.
Natalie Teeger: I can’t go in. I’ll meet you back here in ten minutes.
Adrian Monk: What are you talking about? I’m not going in there alone. That would be like me going in someplace alone.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, if he sees you, you can talk your way out of it. If he sees me, it’d be horrible. It’d be like high school all over again! I can’t. [hands a cell phone to Monk] Here. In case you need it.
Adrian Monk: Wow.
Natalie Teeger: I know, wow. 14 bedrooms. [The car stops]
Adrian Monk: And he wanted to marry you?
Natalie Teeger: Okay let me just tell you something about Paul Buchanan: He basically stalked me for three years, all during high school. He just kept on asking me out. He wouldn't take "drop dead" for an answer. The week before my senior prom, somebody mugged my boyfriend! They broke his jaw and both of his legs.
Adrian Monk: 14 bedrooms.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk! He beat up my boyfriend, or hired some thug to do it! He thinks he can get away with anything.
Adrian Monk: Like killing his father?
Natalie Teeger: I wouldn’t put it past him. All right, so the garage is back there. The Morgan is inside. He hasn’t even bothered to fix it.
Adrian Monk: How do you know?
Natalie Teeger: My father saw it the last time he was here.
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay. Let’s take a look.
Natalie Teeger: I can’t go in. I’ll meet you back here in ten minutes.
Adrian Monk: What are you talking about? I’m not going in there alone. That would be like me going in someplace alone.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, if he sees you, you can talk your way out of it. If he sees me, it’d be horrible. It’d be like high school all over again! I can’t. [hands a cell phone to Monk] Here. In case you need it.
TV Show: Monk