Monk Quotes

Stottlemeyer: Whoever this guy is, he's ruining my life.
Disher: Well, that's supposed to be my job.
Stottlemeyer: Exactly.

TV Show: Monk
[Joy, a bubbly flower shop owner, matches Natalie and Randy with their "floral soulmates" (a butterfly orchid and a crocus, respectively), then turns to Monk and matches him with a pen]
Joy: I found it. This... is your flower.
Natalie Teeger: It's plastic.
Joy: Mmm-hmm.
[Monk takes a sniff of the "flower."]
Adrian Monk: I love it.

TV Show: Monk
[TK has called off the wedding.]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Guess I'll be taking that ring back.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'm gonna hold on to it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk... it's over. I happen to be an expert in this area.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'm not giving up! It's gonna work out! You love her, you need her. She's your answer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She's my answer... where did you hear that?
Adrian Monk: Trudy used to say it - my Trudy. Besides, I'm not sure if I can open my hand.

TV Show: Monk
Lt. Randall Disher: [practicing his song that he will sing at Leland and T.K.'s wedding] "Cupid was a gun for hire. Took aim at Leland Stottlemeyer. Who's love was wallowed in the mire. We love you, TK Stottlemeyer! Mr. and Mrs. Stottlemeyerrr..."
Natalie Teeger: Sounds a little bit like "Light My Fire".
Lt. Randall Disher: What part?
Natalie Teeger: The words. And the music. Why don't you just play "The Wedding March"?

TV Show: Monk
[T.K. stops by Stottlemeyer's office and sees the board with crime scene photos from the burn victim]
Trudy "T.K." Jensen: Oh my God, is that a person?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah it was a person. They found it in Colin Park.
Trudy "T.K." Jensen: Who is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We don't know.
Adrian Monk: They took his wallet, and everything's burnt.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah we'll be lucky if we can get a DNA match.

TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer and T.K. accompany Stephanie Briggs out of jail after she has spent a day in the cells for speeding]
Stephanie Briggs: I thought I was gonna have to dig my way out.
Trudy "T.K." Jensen: She would not dig her way out; she was afraid she'd break a fingernail.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: May I ask you a question?
Stephanie Briggs: Yeah, sure.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell were you thinking? You were doing 75 miles an hour in a residential neighborhood.
Stephanie Briggs: It was an emergency, Leland. I had to get to the caterers before they closed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, it's just a wedding. It's not worth getting killed over.

TV Show: Monk
[Monk is at the crime lab fussing with the mixed flower arrangements]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, the evidence is over here. Randy, go get him. It's a mixed arrangement, they're supposed to be mixed up. [Randy grabs Monk and leads him over to the part of the table where the evidence from the burn victim is] Okay, we have a victim found in Colin Park. He was shot once and then burned.
Adrian Monk: I read the file, so where are we?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Still unidentified. Randy, what do we know about him?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, we know he was "flammable". That's pretty much it.

TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: [to the small bachelor party] Okay, does everybody have pizza?
First Cop: Uh, there's nothing on it. [The pizzas have been ordered "extra plain," with absolutely no cheese or sauce on them!]
Adrian Monk: I know! I ordered plain.
First Cop: Not even cheese?
Adrian Monk: I ordered extra plain. No fuss, no muss. And use your coasters. [puts an apple juice container on top of a coaster] All right, the large coasters go under the small coasters. And there's trash bags in the kitchen. Everyone gets one, I put your names at the top.
[In the hallway, another cop heads to the bathroom. He opens the bathroom door, only to discover that the bathroom space has been taken up by a port-a-potty]
Second Cop: Monk, there's a bathroom in the bathroom.
Adrian Monk: Where do you want me to put it, Mikey? In the kitchen?

TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: All right, I would like to say a few words about our friend, Leland Francis Stottlemeyer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you, thank you very much.
Adrian Monk: [reads from a notecard] And it goes like this: "A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head." There's more, there's more. "The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you Leland Stottlemeyer, whose first marriage was annulled after five days, and whose second wife, Karen, left him after 20 years? And then you dated Linda Fusco, who was later convicted of first-degree murder?'" Wait, wait. "And then Leland says,'That's right.' And then the bartender says, 'Every relationship you've ever had has ended in disaster and you wanna get married again? You're crazy! No wonder you have a duck on your head!'" And Leland says-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And Leland says, "I need a drink!" [He gets much applause from the other cops]

TV Show: Monk
[Monk breaks out the booze]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well gentlemen, here's the situation: We've got twelve bottles, which is 144 fluid ounces, which is enough for each of us to get a little sleepy.
Adrian Monk: Yeah!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Or for one of us to get good and polluted.
First Cop: Designated Drunk! Hey, I love the idea!
Lt. Randall Disher: [volunteers] I'll get drunk.

TV Show: Monk
[Monk has chosen the movie Bachelor Party for entertainment]
Adrian Monk: Read it. [Stottlemeyer reads from the box]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "Shocking, shameful"-
Adrian Monk: That's for you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "...sinful..."
Adrian Monk: Go on.
Captain Leland Sottlemeyer: "And the party hasn't even begun yet."

TV Show: Monk
[Disher, drunk, staggers into the party]
Lt. Randall Disher: Hey! Hey! Who belongs to the Crown Vic out front?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is it green?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, it's, like a, uh, charcoal gray, with flames on the side. And on the roof and on the windshield.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Flames on the windshield-there's flames on the windshield?
Lt. Randall Disher: "Flames on the windshield"? [Everyone runs out of the apartment leaving Randy alone, looking at the TV] Hey, I like this movie. [cuts to Monk and the others reaching the street, where they find Stottlemeyer's car on fire]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey! Hey, that's my car!

TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: You're not going to even ask him?
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, it's crazy, don't mention it again!
Lt. Randall Disher: Hey, how you guys doing?
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk wants to walk TK's father down the aisle.
Adrian Monk: We're the exact same height. I mean, how often does that happen?
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I'm sure he'd like to walk his daughter down the aisle.
Adrian Monk: Well, she can walk behind us. Just ask him. I'm talking about the exact same height! Think how cool that would look!
Lt. Randall Disher: Listen, I have some news. I just got off the phone with Ralph Toplyn from the FBI. They ran the prints; the clerk's name is Martin Kettering.
Natalie Teeger: Kettering. I know that name.
Lt. Randall Disher: He's a wanted fugitive. He's been on the FBI's 10 Most Wanted List for 12 years. He was in some ecoterrorist group called the Earth Avengers.
Adrian Monk: I remember. They blew up a bunch of condos in Denver.
Lt. Randall Disher: Which killed two security guards and a fireman. This whole group - Kettering and three others - they've been on the run ever since.
Adrian Monk: Is he the burn victim?
Lt. Randall Disher: We just got the DNA test back. It's definitely him.

TV Show: Monk
[Stephanie has just taken back Leland's tuxedo bag]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm gonna find him - the guy that scared her off - I'm gonna find him, and him and me are going to have a long conversation that kind of involves a lot of punching. [Monk straightens up]
Adrian Monk: Affinity, the flower shop. That's where she got the flowers?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, that's right.
Adrian Monk: Leland, that's where Martin Kettering worked. When was she arrested?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A week ago, Tuesday.
Adrian Monk: That's the night Kettering was killed. Where did they pull her over? [Stottlemeyer stands up in realization]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Colin Avenue, a mile from the body! [He and Monk head out of the office. Downstairs, Stephanie Briggs has just exited the building when Monk and Stottlemeyer burst out the door behind her and stop her] Stephanie! Do you have a minute?
Stephanie Briggs: Actually, Leland, I'm a little busy right now. Can it wait?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. It really can't.
Adrian Monk: You say you've known T.K. for twelve years?
Stephanie Briggs: Yeah.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where were you before that? You never said.
Adrian Monk: Who were you before that? [Stottlemeyer starts to advance on Stephanie]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You ever heard of a group called the Earth Avengers?
Stephanie Briggs: What are you talking about?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Martin Kettering. Was he a friend of yours?
Stephanie Briggs: Leland, I know that you've been through a hard week, but-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here's what I know: I know that we'r

TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Stottlemeyer have been taken hostage by Stephanie Briggs, one of the fugitives from the Earth Avengers]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'll bet you a week's pay that that [gun]'s a .9 millimeter.
Adrian Monk: That's the gun you killed Martin Kettering with.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was it doing with my tuxedo?
Adrian Monk: That's what this whole thing has been about. You were in that group with Martin Kettering, and you've been a fugitive for 12 years.
Stephanie Briggs: Just shut up.
Adrian Monk: I already started. It's very hard for me to stop.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's true, you have to let him finish. Go ahead.

TV Show: Monk
[As Stephanie Briggs is forcing Monk and Stottlemeyer into her car at gunpoint, T.K. comes running up to Stottlemeyer]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Just go home. We have nothing more to say, just go home.
Adrian Monk: He doesn't wanna talk to you any more. He hates your... guts.
Trudy "T.K." Jensen: All I wanted to say is, I love you. I'm not leaving you again. [Stephanie produces the gun and points it at T.K.]
Stephanie Briggs: In that case, you're coming with us. Get in the car, T.K! [T.K. gasps, shocked at what Stephanie has turned out to be]
Adrian Monk: Not in the front, though, 'cause I'm-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to T.K.] Don't worry. It's not loaded.
Stephanie Briggs: Oh, it's not, huh? [fires a live round into the air]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's empty now. [produces the gun's magazine] Here's your clip. You had one in the chamber. You're under arrest; turn around. [He shoves her into the side of her car]
Stephanie Briggs: Ow! That hurt!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good. [He handcuffs her, and hands her off to Monk, who leads her away. Stottlemeyer turns to T.K.] Are you gonna marry me or not?
Trudy "T.K." Jensen: Absolutely.

TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: You polished the bullets.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, you don't want to shoot anybody with a dirty bullet.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, they might get a infection. God, we're funny together.
Natalie Teeger: We are.

TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer is doing the roll call and morning announcements to the detectives]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is back. Back where he belongs. [Monk stands up and reads from a notecard]
Adrian Monk: Seventy years ago, Thomas Wolf wrote, "You can't go home again..."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, you don't have to say anything.
Adrian Monk: Thank God. [sits down]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, our first order of business is the Pick Axe Killer.
Lt. Randall Disher: The Gold Rush Killer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's not the Gold Rush Killer, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: But they used pickaxes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, forget about the Gold Rush Killer! Okay?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We're moving on. Now, I don't have to tell you how important this case is but we have caught a break. We have a witness - a woman who lived down the hall from victim #5 has given us a description of the killer.

TV Show: Monk
Detective Jones: Now that, gentleman, is what you call a real woman.
Detective Louis Doyle: No doubt about it.
Adrian Monk: You can tell. No Adam's apple.

TV Show: Monk
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Come on, Monk, I want to show you something.
Adrian Monk: What... what is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's outside.
Adrian Monk: What... what is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's you not getting beaten up.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I'd like to see that.

TV Show: Monk
[Monk has captured Mikhail Almonov]
Sergeant Danny Weaver: Nice work, detective.
Adrian Monk: Former detective.
Sergeant Danny Weaver: Former former detective.
Adrian Monk: Former former former detective.

TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer and Disher know that Monk is at Officer Russell DiMarco's wake]
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't see him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's here somewhere. Separated the fruit salad.

TV Show: Monk
Trudy Monk: It won't be much longer...

TV Show: Monk
Doctor: [to Monk] Someone is trying to kill you. And they may have succeeded.

TV Show: Monk
Monk: Randy, I'm not pregnant. Just dying.

TV Show: Monk
Dr. Matthew Shuler: Now, you're going to feel normal for a while and then there's gonna be some vomiting, followed by death.
Adrian Monk: [disbelief] Vomiting?
Dr. Matthew Shuler: Followed by death.
Adrian Monk: [still in shock]Vomiting?
Dr. Matthew Shuler: And then death.
Adrian Monk: Is there any chance death could come before the vomiting?

TV Show: Monk
Judge Ethan Rickover: His name is Adrian Monk. He'll put two and two together eventually and this case, two and two equals me. It would get rather personal. He'd come after me, try to kill me. He'd probably succeed. Because... twelve years ago, I killed his wife.

TV Show: Monk
Trudy Monk: Unless I'm wrong, which I probably am...

TV Show: Monk
[Randy is on the phone with someone]
Disher: All right, I'll call you later. [hangs up]
Stottlemeyer: Who was that?
Disher: That was the Deputy Commissioner.
Stottlemeyer: Deputy Commissioner Patrick Watson?
Disher: Yeah, that's right.
Stottlemeyer: You said, "I love you."
Disher: I do... love him. I think he's doing a great job. Why? Why? You don't think he's...
Stottlemeyer: No, I think he's doing a fine job. I don't tell him that I love him.
Disher: Well, maybe you should. It's just common courtesy.
Stottlemeyer: It's not common courtesy.
Disher: Well, I think you're doing a great job. I love you.
Stottlemeyer: All right, Randy, I'm sorry I asked. When you're ready to tell me what's really going on, don't.

TV Show: Monk
[last lines of the series following up on the first episode of the series]
Natalie: What are you doing?
Monk: Just checking to make sure the stove is off.
Natalie: Good thinking. You wouldn't want to go all the way across town with your stove on.
Monk: I know. That actually happened to me a few years ago...

TV Show: Monk