Monk Quotes
Murderuss: I am not going to be putting a bomb under somebody's town car. You know me, I'm up close and personal, face-to-face.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, not according to this. [produces a CD, which he puts down on the table] Track 4. A little song called "Car Bomb."
[imitates rapping]
Lt. Randall Disher: "Ch, ch, ch. I put the bomb in your limo, that's what the surprise is / Under your seat, like Oprah giving prizes." Sound familiar?
Murderuss: Not the way you do it.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, well, I wasn't really performing it.
Murderuss: Look, you got to be one of the whitest white boys I've ever met. And I've met Kevin Costner.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, not according to this. [produces a CD, which he puts down on the table] Track 4. A little song called "Car Bomb."
[imitates rapping]
Lt. Randall Disher: "Ch, ch, ch. I put the bomb in your limo, that's what the surprise is / Under your seat, like Oprah giving prizes." Sound familiar?
Murderuss: Not the way you do it.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, well, I wasn't really performing it.
Murderuss: Look, you got to be one of the whitest white boys I've ever met. And I've met Kevin Costner.
TV Show: Monk
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy's upstairs talking to our medical examiner in rap.
Adrian Monk: Why?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I learned a long time ago not to ask Randy why he does anything.
Adrian Monk: Why?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I learned a long time ago not to ask Randy why he does anything.
TV Show: Monk
Peter Magneri: He threatened me once—at a zoning meeting. Hit me with a microphone.
Adrian Monk: He’s a nudist! That's what they do, they... they hit people with microphones.
Adrian Monk: He’s a nudist! That's what they do, they... they hit people with microphones.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher have told Arlene Boras about why she killed her roommate]
Arlene Boras: You don't have any...
Natalie Teeger: ...Proof? [shows Peter Magneri's X-ray] Mr. Monk found this. It was behind the toilet.
Adrian Monk: [grimaces] Behind your toilet!
Arlene Boras: You don't have any...
Natalie Teeger: ...Proof? [shows Peter Magneri's X-ray] Mr. Monk found this. It was behind the toilet.
Adrian Monk: [grimaces] Behind your toilet!
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Natalie tell Randy about their suspicions about Linda Fusco]
Natalie Teeger: Randy, what we're about to tell you is absolutely confidential; you cannot repeat it to anybody.
Lt. Randall Disher: Are you in love with me?
Natalie Teeger: [annoyed] What? No!
Adrian Monk: I think Linda Fusco killed her partner.
Lt. Randall Disher: What? I can't believe that. There's no way, Monk.
Natalie Teeger: Am I in love with you?!
Natalie Teeger: Randy, what we're about to tell you is absolutely confidential; you cannot repeat it to anybody.
Lt. Randall Disher: Are you in love with me?
Natalie Teeger: [annoyed] What? No!
Adrian Monk: I think Linda Fusco killed her partner.
Lt. Randall Disher: What? I can't believe that. There's no way, Monk.
Natalie Teeger: Am I in love with you?!
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Natalie are talking to Randy to see if he has any ideas on how to beat Linda Fusco's alibi]
Natalie Teeger: Maybe she had a jetpack, like in those James Bond movies.
Lt. Randall Disher: There's no such thing as a working jetpack. Don't ask me how I know.
Adrian Monk: Randy, do you have any ideas? One of your crazy theories?
Lt. Randall Disher: My crazy theories, like what?
Natalie Teeger: Like me being in love with you?
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, do you think that's crazier than Linda Fusco flying across San Francisco in a jetpack?
Natalie Teeger: Too close to call.
Natalie Teeger: Maybe she had a jetpack, like in those James Bond movies.
Lt. Randall Disher: There's no such thing as a working jetpack. Don't ask me how I know.
Adrian Monk: Randy, do you have any ideas? One of your crazy theories?
Lt. Randall Disher: My crazy theories, like what?
Natalie Teeger: Like me being in love with you?
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, do you think that's crazier than Linda Fusco flying across San Francisco in a jetpack?
Natalie Teeger: Too close to call.
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: [pushes the button for the interrogation room speakers] Excuse me, could you fix the blinds, please?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't feel like it.
Adrian Monk: I wasn't asking you, ma'am, but I'm going to have to ask you to fix the blinds.
Helen Hubbert: Who is that?
Adrian Monk: I'm with the FBI [pause], in Washington D.C., [pause] watching you on my computer [pause] screen.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Don't listen to him, ma'am, he is not in Washington...
Adrian Monk: Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to fix the blinds, and while you're at it pick up the Styrofoam pieces scattered about the room.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He is not a federal agent.
Adrian Monk: Yes, he, I am.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, he's not! He's an ex-cop who hates himself, and hates his life, and isn't happy unless EVERYBODY ELSE IS AS MISERABLE AS HE IS!
Adrian Monk: Miss Hubbert, I'm sure you wouldn't want us to inform the school board about your little drinking problem.
Helen Hubbert: How, how?
Adrian Monk: How?! We're the FBI, that's how!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, for God's sakes, he can see the flask in your pocket!
Adrian Monk: And I'm sure you wouldn't want the IRS to know about your second job. You have been moonlighting as a waitress, haven't you? Have you been reporting all of your tips?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's looking inside your purse! He can see your wad of singles! [looks towards Monk and Natalie] Hey, hey! Mr. FBI-Man! Here. [takes a shoe and smudges it against the glass pane of the interrogation room] What do you think of that?!
Adrian Monk: Leland, you can put this woman away for the rest of her life. Linda Fusco will still be guilty.
[M
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't feel like it.
Adrian Monk: I wasn't asking you, ma'am, but I'm going to have to ask you to fix the blinds.
Helen Hubbert: Who is that?
Adrian Monk: I'm with the FBI [pause], in Washington D.C., [pause] watching you on my computer [pause] screen.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Don't listen to him, ma'am, he is not in Washington...
Adrian Monk: Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to fix the blinds, and while you're at it pick up the Styrofoam pieces scattered about the room.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He is not a federal agent.
Adrian Monk: Yes, he, I am.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, he's not! He's an ex-cop who hates himself, and hates his life, and isn't happy unless EVERYBODY ELSE IS AS MISERABLE AS HE IS!
Adrian Monk: Miss Hubbert, I'm sure you wouldn't want us to inform the school board about your little drinking problem.
Helen Hubbert: How, how?
Adrian Monk: How?! We're the FBI, that's how!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, for God's sakes, he can see the flask in your pocket!
Adrian Monk: And I'm sure you wouldn't want the IRS to know about your second job. You have been moonlighting as a waitress, haven't you? Have you been reporting all of your tips?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's looking inside your purse! He can see your wad of singles! [looks towards Monk and Natalie] Hey, hey! Mr. FBI-Man! Here. [takes a shoe and smudges it against the glass pane of the interrogation room] What do you think of that?!
Adrian Monk: Leland, you can put this woman away for the rest of her life. Linda Fusco will still be guilty.
[M
TV Show: Monk
[Linda is showing Natalie around an apartment]
Linda Fusco: Where's Adrian? I thought you two were always together.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, he does something every Wednesday.
Linda Fusco: It's Thursday.
Natalie Teeger: And Thursday. You know Mr. Monk, he can't just hang around. He has to go back and check his work.
Linda Fusco: Where's Adrian? I thought you two were always together.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, he does something every Wednesday.
Linda Fusco: It's Thursday.
Natalie Teeger: And Thursday. You know Mr. Monk, he can't just hang around. He has to go back and check his work.
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: [about Natalie's motorcycle] Where did you get that?
Natalie Teeger: From a biker friend of mine. I did him a favor once.
Adrian Monk: What kind of favor?
Natalie Teeger: Do you really want to know?
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie Teeger: From a biker friend of mine. I did him a favor once.
Adrian Monk: What kind of favor?
Natalie Teeger: Do you really want to know?
Adrian Monk: No.
TV Show: Monk
[first lines]
[Dewey Jordan breaks into a house, and Rob Sherman is waiting for him]
Rob Sherman: You're late.
Dewey Jordan: What are you doing? You said the place was gonna be empty.
Rob Sherman: Change of plans. I decided to help out.
Dewey Jordan: Well, you're the boss.
Rob Sherman: That's right. I'm the boss. [Dewey gets ready to execute the scam] Hey. Did you wipe your feet?
Dewey Jordan: Yes, I did, as you said.
Rob Sherman: Good. You can start with these over here. [Dewey walks over to a glass case containing sports memorabilia and Sherman unlocks it]
Dewey Jordan: So how does this work? I mean, when do you call the insurance company?
Rob Sherman: I won't be calling the insurance company. [He conjures a gun in his left hand]
Dewey Jordan: What's that?
Rob Sherman: This, uh, this is your gun, Dewey.
Dewey Jordan: My gun? [Sherman promptly conjures another gun, a SIG-Sauer P226, in his right hand]
Rob Sherman: This one's mine. This is the one that, I'm gonna kill the intruder with.
Dewey Jordan: Intruder? [With a loud bang, Sherman shoots and kills Dewey, leaving a small puff of gunpowder residue in the air. His wife hears the noise]
Pam Sherman: [from upstairs] Rob? What was that? Are you all right?
Rob Sherman: I'm fine, Pam. Everything's fine. You'd better come down.
[She comes downstairs and turns on the lights]
Pam Sherman: That sounded like a gun. [She sees Dewey Jordan's body]
Rob Sherman: It was.
Pam Sherman: Rob, is he-is he dead? [pause] What did you do?
Rob Sherman: He had a gun. This one.
[Dewey Jordan breaks into a house, and Rob Sherman is waiting for him]
Rob Sherman: You're late.
Dewey Jordan: What are you doing? You said the place was gonna be empty.
Rob Sherman: Change of plans. I decided to help out.
Dewey Jordan: Well, you're the boss.
Rob Sherman: That's right. I'm the boss. [Dewey gets ready to execute the scam] Hey. Did you wipe your feet?
Dewey Jordan: Yes, I did, as you said.
Rob Sherman: Good. You can start with these over here. [Dewey walks over to a glass case containing sports memorabilia and Sherman unlocks it]
Dewey Jordan: So how does this work? I mean, when do you call the insurance company?
Rob Sherman: I won't be calling the insurance company. [He conjures a gun in his left hand]
Dewey Jordan: What's that?
Rob Sherman: This, uh, this is your gun, Dewey.
Dewey Jordan: My gun? [Sherman promptly conjures another gun, a SIG-Sauer P226, in his right hand]
Rob Sherman: This one's mine. This is the one that, I'm gonna kill the intruder with.
Dewey Jordan: Intruder? [With a loud bang, Sherman shoots and kills Dewey, leaving a small puff of gunpowder residue in the air. His wife hears the noise]
Pam Sherman: [from upstairs] Rob? What was that? Are you all right?
Rob Sherman: I'm fine, Pam. Everything's fine. You'd better come down.
[She comes downstairs and turns on the lights]
Pam Sherman: That sounded like a gun. [She sees Dewey Jordan's body]
Rob Sherman: It was.
Pam Sherman: Rob, is he-is he dead? [pause] What did you do?
Rob Sherman: He had a gun. This one.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk notices that Dewey Jordan wiped his feet before entering the house]
Monk: Why would he wipe his feet?
Disher: You wiped your feet.
Monk: But I'm me, that doesn't count.
Monk: Why would he wipe his feet?
Disher: You wiped your feet.
Monk: But I'm me, that doesn't count.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk examines Dewey Jordan's apartment]
Adrian Monk: How long did he live here?
Mr. Morissey: Oh, nine months. I should've known he was going to be trouble - always late with the rent, always coming and going. So is it true what they say? He broke in and killed the guy's wife?
Adrian Monk: How long did he live here?
Mr. Morissey: Oh, nine months. I should've known he was going to be trouble - always late with the rent, always coming and going. So is it true what they say? He broke in and killed the guy's wife?
TV Show: Monk
[While they are investigating Dewey Jordan's apartment, Natalie frets about Julie's new relationship]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, God, Mitch, I miss you... [she stands up] Mr. Monk, would you talk to her?
Adrian Monk: What? [Monk is standing on a chair and unscrewing the cover for an air vent]
Natalie Teeger: Please! I don't know who else to ask! There's no man in her life!
Adrian Monk: [looks around desperately] What about him? [points at Mr. Morissey]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Morrisey?
Adrian Monk: Kids respect landlords. I think it's the keys.
[He finishes removing the vent screws with a screwdriver and moves the cover aside to find a handgun and ammunition stashed inside. He picks up the gun by fitting the screwdriver blade through the grip and examines it]
Mr. Morissey: What is it?
Adrian Monk: It's a .22 caliber. Why didn't he bring this gun?
Mr. Morissey: So he had another gun.
Adrian Monk: But there's-there's no ammo for a .38 caliber. It's all for this gun. [He puts the gun back] I don't think he had another gun. [Natalie stands on another chair to be at the same height as Monk]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, this is important to me! Julie loves you, you know that. You're like family!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I can't, I-I just can't! Why don't you ask the Captain, or anybody else? When it comes to this particular issue, I am probably the least qualified person in North America...
Natalie Teeger: That's what makes you perfect! You waited for Trudy, you were faithful, you respected her! You're a wonderful role model.
Adrian Monk: Huh?
Natalie Teeger: ...In this particular case.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, God, Mitch, I miss you... [she stands up] Mr. Monk, would you talk to her?
Adrian Monk: What? [Monk is standing on a chair and unscrewing the cover for an air vent]
Natalie Teeger: Please! I don't know who else to ask! There's no man in her life!
Adrian Monk: [looks around desperately] What about him? [points at Mr. Morissey]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Morrisey?
Adrian Monk: Kids respect landlords. I think it's the keys.
[He finishes removing the vent screws with a screwdriver and moves the cover aside to find a handgun and ammunition stashed inside. He picks up the gun by fitting the screwdriver blade through the grip and examines it]
Mr. Morissey: What is it?
Adrian Monk: It's a .22 caliber. Why didn't he bring this gun?
Mr. Morissey: So he had another gun.
Adrian Monk: But there's-there's no ammo for a .38 caliber. It's all for this gun. [He puts the gun back] I don't think he had another gun. [Natalie stands on another chair to be at the same height as Monk]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, this is important to me! Julie loves you, you know that. You're like family!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I can't, I-I just can't! Why don't you ask the Captain, or anybody else? When it comes to this particular issue, I am probably the least qualified person in North America...
Natalie Teeger: That's what makes you perfect! You waited for Trudy, you were faithful, you respected her! You're a wonderful role model.
Adrian Monk: Huh?
Natalie Teeger: ...In this particular case.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk is giving Julie "the talk"]
Adrian Monk: [loudly] We certainly have had a very productive talk. [edges toward the door] This is the end of the talk...
Julie Teeger: Mr. Monk, wait. How do you know if what you're feeling is real?
Adrian Monk: [whispering] What are you doing?
Julie Teeger: No, I'm serious. When you met Trudy, how did you know?
Adrian Monk: Julie, listen, this is not real. It's just for your mother. I'm not really here, you understand? [Julie starts to cry][Monk continues, still whispering] No, no, please, don't cry. I can't leave if you're crying. [louder] What you're feeling is perfectly normal! [whispering] What you're feeling is probably normal.
Julie Teeger: It's just... how did you know?
Adrian Monk: All right... [gives her his handkerchief and sits down] I used to wonder the same thing. And when I met Trudy, I said to myself, "now I see. Now I see why I'm here."
Julie Teeger: Was it wonderful?
Adrian Monk: Yes. I loved falling in love with her. Every morning of every day, I fell in love with her again. I think what your mother has been trying to tell you is, don't worry. All your dreams will come true. But they don't have to come true this weekend, right? You can take your time. You can wait...
Julie Teeger: Until I find Trudy?
Adrian Monk: Just wait for Trudy. Believe in Trudy. Trudy will come.
Adrian Monk: [loudly] We certainly have had a very productive talk. [edges toward the door] This is the end of the talk...
Julie Teeger: Mr. Monk, wait. How do you know if what you're feeling is real?
Adrian Monk: [whispering] What are you doing?
Julie Teeger: No, I'm serious. When you met Trudy, how did you know?
Adrian Monk: Julie, listen, this is not real. It's just for your mother. I'm not really here, you understand? [Julie starts to cry][Monk continues, still whispering] No, no, please, don't cry. I can't leave if you're crying. [louder] What you're feeling is perfectly normal! [whispering] What you're feeling is probably normal.
Julie Teeger: It's just... how did you know?
Adrian Monk: All right... [gives her his handkerchief and sits down] I used to wonder the same thing. And when I met Trudy, I said to myself, "now I see. Now I see why I'm here."
Julie Teeger: Was it wonderful?
Adrian Monk: Yes. I loved falling in love with her. Every morning of every day, I fell in love with her again. I think what your mother has been trying to tell you is, don't worry. All your dreams will come true. But they don't have to come true this weekend, right? You can take your time. You can wait...
Julie Teeger: Until I find Trudy?
Adrian Monk: Just wait for Trudy. Believe in Trudy. Trudy will come.
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer leads a handcuffed Rob Sherman to a patrol car. Randy has a backup of the disk with the photo of Julie and Tim Sussman that prominently features Sherman and Dewey Jordan in the background]
Lt. Randall Disher: Backup disk. Oh, and I printed off a copy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [takes the photo and tells Sherman] Ah. You and your friend take a very nice, very incriminating picture.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, I put it on a mug, too. [shows the mug]
Captain Stottlemeyer: What for?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, I figure the jury might appreciate it. They're human. They get thirsty. "Exhibit A. Thank you very much." [takes an imaginary sip from the mug] "Mmmm, guilty."
Lt. Randall Disher: Backup disk. Oh, and I printed off a copy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [takes the photo and tells Sherman] Ah. You and your friend take a very nice, very incriminating picture.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, I put it on a mug, too. [shows the mug]
Captain Stottlemeyer: What for?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, I figure the jury might appreciate it. They're human. They get thirsty. "Exhibit A. Thank you very much." [takes an imaginary sip from the mug] "Mmmm, guilty."
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer and Disher are viewing a blurry surveillance tape of the courthouse lobby]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, they're two blurs. Even for blurs, they're blurry! Can you make it bigger?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well it's already enhanced.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that could be anybody! That could be Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.
Lt. Randall Disher: But they're both dead.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ginger Rogers is not dead.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I'm pretty sure she is dead. I'm sorry. Even if she wasn't. What would Fred and Ginger be doing in the courthouse?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm not saying it is Fred and Ginger, I'm just saying that y-you can't tell who or what they are!
[Disher presses play on the tape]
Lt. Randall Disher: Look. [uses a marker to circle two blurs passing each other on camera] Right here. See? He comes in. They shake hands. That is definitely Rob Sherman.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [notices the marker in Randy's hand] Is that a permanent marker?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, it will rub off. [Stottlemeyer attempts to rub the marker off the monitor, with no success]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't think so. [Randy also makes a bad attempt at getting the marker to come off]
Lt. Randall Disher: Have you seen the new screens? Pretty beautiful. Flat.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're worse than Monk. [walks out of the room]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, they're two blurs. Even for blurs, they're blurry! Can you make it bigger?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well it's already enhanced.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that could be anybody! That could be Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.
Lt. Randall Disher: But they're both dead.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ginger Rogers is not dead.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I'm pretty sure she is dead. I'm sorry. Even if she wasn't. What would Fred and Ginger be doing in the courthouse?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm not saying it is Fred and Ginger, I'm just saying that y-you can't tell who or what they are!
[Disher presses play on the tape]
Lt. Randall Disher: Look. [uses a marker to circle two blurs passing each other on camera] Right here. See? He comes in. They shake hands. That is definitely Rob Sherman.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [notices the marker in Randy's hand] Is that a permanent marker?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, it will rub off. [Stottlemeyer attempts to rub the marker off the monitor, with no success]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't think so. [Randy also makes a bad attempt at getting the marker to come off]
Lt. Randall Disher: Have you seen the new screens? Pretty beautiful. Flat.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're worse than Monk. [walks out of the room]
TV Show: Monk
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, let's go over it again.
Lt. Randall Disher: [reading from his notebook] OK, husband Robert Sherman, owns expensive rug. Intruder's shoes indicate he wiped his feet.
Natalie Teeger: Why would a kid breaking and entering bother to wipe his feet?
Adrian Monk: Because he wasn't breaking and entering! They knew each other. It was a setup.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe...
The Lovely Rita: [from the corner, handcuffed to a chair] Maybe the kid, the intruder, was planning on stealing the rug, and didn't want to scuff it up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [wryly] Thank you.
The Lovely Rita: Anytime.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe he planned on stealing the rug.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, what about this? The phone in the bedroom was unplugged.
The Lovely Rita: That doesn't mean anything. I unplug my phone all the time, if I want to sleep, when I'm going to bed...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She's right. Doesn't mean anything.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, how about this? The wife's slippers.
Natalie Teeger: Right, the husband said she went downstairs because she was cold. If she was cold, why wouldn't she put on her slippers? [pause. Everyone turns to look at Rita]
The Lovely Rita: Well, she wasn't really cold. She just said she was cold. She was really going downstairs to... get a bite of that chocolate cake in the refrigerator.
Adrian Monk: What chocolate cake? Who are you?
Lt. Randall Disher: This is Rita DePasque, aka "The Lovely Rita." She's a material witness on a knife fight downtown.
The Lovely Rita: Alleged knife fight. Alleged. I love that word.
Captain Leland Stot
Lt. Randall Disher: [reading from his notebook] OK, husband Robert Sherman, owns expensive rug. Intruder's shoes indicate he wiped his feet.
Natalie Teeger: Why would a kid breaking and entering bother to wipe his feet?
Adrian Monk: Because he wasn't breaking and entering! They knew each other. It was a setup.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe...
The Lovely Rita: [from the corner, handcuffed to a chair] Maybe the kid, the intruder, was planning on stealing the rug, and didn't want to scuff it up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [wryly] Thank you.
The Lovely Rita: Anytime.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe he planned on stealing the rug.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, what about this? The phone in the bedroom was unplugged.
The Lovely Rita: That doesn't mean anything. I unplug my phone all the time, if I want to sleep, when I'm going to bed...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She's right. Doesn't mean anything.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, how about this? The wife's slippers.
Natalie Teeger: Right, the husband said she went downstairs because she was cold. If she was cold, why wouldn't she put on her slippers? [pause. Everyone turns to look at Rita]
The Lovely Rita: Well, she wasn't really cold. She just said she was cold. She was really going downstairs to... get a bite of that chocolate cake in the refrigerator.
Adrian Monk: What chocolate cake? Who are you?
Lt. Randall Disher: This is Rita DePasque, aka "The Lovely Rita." She's a material witness on a knife fight downtown.
The Lovely Rita: Alleged knife fight. Alleged. I love that word.
Captain Leland Stot
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Natalie are trying to return ashes to several cremation urns they have accidentally spilled]
Natalie Teeger: Wait! What are you doing? [Monk is pouring some ashes from one urn into another]
Adrian Monk: It's not even.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, those are people! Maybe they weren't the same size!
Adrian Monk: Well they are now!
[They finish cleaning up just as Sherman and the funeral director come up]
Natalie Teeger: Wait! What are you doing? [Monk is pouring some ashes from one urn into another]
Adrian Monk: It's not even.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, those are people! Maybe they weren't the same size!
Adrian Monk: Well they are now!
[They finish cleaning up just as Sherman and the funeral director come up]
TV Show: Monk
[One of Troy Kroger's teenaged friends is admiring Natalie]
Ridley: How old do you think she is?
Troy: 34, maybe?
Ridley: That's twice my age.
Pez: So, when you're 60, she'll be 120!
Ridley: How old do you think she is?
Troy: 34, maybe?
Ridley: That's twice my age.
Pez: So, when you're 60, she'll be 120!
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Troy are playing 20 Questions while trapped in Troy's car after Steven Connolly buries the car under a pile of gravel]
Monk: Mineral. It's a mineral.
Troy: [Pause] Is it gravel?
Monk: [Crying] Yes, it's gravel. Gravel! It's gravel! It's everywhere!
Monk: Mineral. It's a mineral.
Troy: [Pause] Is it gravel?
Monk: [Crying] Yes, it's gravel. Gravel! It's gravel! It's everywhere!
TV Show: Monk
Kindergarten Teacher: They wanted to give you this. [hands Harold and Joey a poster from the kids]
Little Girl: It's a picture of you!
Harold Krenshaw: That's me, huh? [looking at the sketch of him on the poster] Well, I hope not! Look at the size of my head!
Joey Krenshaw: I'm surprised you can stand up!
[They laugh together]
Harold Krenshaw: [noticing an unusual bridge-shaped object on the poster] And what is that?
Little Boy: The Golden Gate Bridge.
Harold Krenshaw: Really! What's keeping it up? Magic? Because I don't see any suspension cables! Joey, you got a pen? [to the kids] What's the matter with you? [takes a Sharpie and draws suspension cables onto the kids' drawing of the Golden Gate Bridge]
Harold Krenshaw: NOW it's a bridge.
Joey Krenshaw: It's basic physics.
Kindergarten Teacher: They're only six years old.
Harold Krenshaw: They're not gonna learn any younger. That's what my Uncle Ronnie always says.
Joey Krenshaw: [notices an unusual looking thing in the upper left corner] What's this? A bird? My God, it must be 20 feet long!
Harold Krenshaw: Yeah! It looks like Mothra. Remember that old movie? [Harold and Joey make a scene imitating the screaming from Mothra, startling the two kids]
Kindergarten Teacher: [nervously] You're on the school board?
Harold Krenshaw: Yeah. [Joey takes a call on his cell phone. It's his uncle's doctor.]
Joey Krenshaw: Hello?
Dr. Levine: Mr. Krenshaw?
Joey Krenshaw: That's right.
Dr. Levine: This is Dr. Levine calling from Reno. You wanted me to call if there was a change in your uncle's condition.
Little Girl: It's a picture of you!
Harold Krenshaw: That's me, huh? [looking at the sketch of him on the poster] Well, I hope not! Look at the size of my head!
Joey Krenshaw: I'm surprised you can stand up!
[They laugh together]
Harold Krenshaw: [noticing an unusual bridge-shaped object on the poster] And what is that?
Little Boy: The Golden Gate Bridge.
Harold Krenshaw: Really! What's keeping it up? Magic? Because I don't see any suspension cables! Joey, you got a pen? [to the kids] What's the matter with you? [takes a Sharpie and draws suspension cables onto the kids' drawing of the Golden Gate Bridge]
Harold Krenshaw: NOW it's a bridge.
Joey Krenshaw: It's basic physics.
Kindergarten Teacher: They're only six years old.
Harold Krenshaw: They're not gonna learn any younger. That's what my Uncle Ronnie always says.
Joey Krenshaw: [notices an unusual looking thing in the upper left corner] What's this? A bird? My God, it must be 20 feet long!
Harold Krenshaw: Yeah! It looks like Mothra. Remember that old movie? [Harold and Joey make a scene imitating the screaming from Mothra, startling the two kids]
Kindergarten Teacher: [nervously] You're on the school board?
Harold Krenshaw: Yeah. [Joey takes a call on his cell phone. It's his uncle's doctor.]
Joey Krenshaw: Hello?
Dr. Levine: Mr. Krenshaw?
Joey Krenshaw: That's right.
Dr. Levine: This is Dr. Levine calling from Reno. You wanted me to call if there was a change in your uncle's condition.
TV Show: Monk
[Randy is reciting the burned out car's VIN to the Captain so he can enter it into a database search.]
Randy: First letter, "T" as in "tsunami".
Stottlemeyer: "Tsunami"?
Randy: Silent "T".
Stottlemeyer: What? No. "T" as in "Tom". Just say "Tom".
Randy: What's the difference?
Stottlemeyer: It doesn't... The "T" is silent.
Randy: It's not completely silent. "T-sunami".
Stottlemeyer: All right. All right. Let's go.
Randy: Second letter, "P" as in...
Stottlemeyer: ..."P" as in "Paul".
Randy: No.
Stottlemeyer: Too late. I typed it. "P".
Randy: Yeah, but the person reading the letters gets to say the word. That's how we do it.
Stottlemeyer: That's how who does it?
Randy: Society. We live in a society.
Stottlemeyer: Yes, we do, Randy! Meanwhile, the "P" has been sitting on my screen for 10 minutes!
Randy: Fine. "P" for "Pam". No! "Panavision". "Tsunami", "Panavision", next letter, "L".
Stottlemeyer: "L".
Randy: As in... No, we'll come back to that one.
Stottlemeyer: No, we can't come back to it, Randy! [the phone rings; Stottlemeyer answers.] Whoever this is, thank you very much for calling.
Randy: First letter, "T" as in "tsunami".
Stottlemeyer: "Tsunami"?
Randy: Silent "T".
Stottlemeyer: What? No. "T" as in "Tom". Just say "Tom".
Randy: What's the difference?
Stottlemeyer: It doesn't... The "T" is silent.
Randy: It's not completely silent. "T-sunami".
Stottlemeyer: All right. All right. Let's go.
Randy: Second letter, "P" as in...
Stottlemeyer: ..."P" as in "Paul".
Randy: No.
Stottlemeyer: Too late. I typed it. "P".
Randy: Yeah, but the person reading the letters gets to say the word. That's how we do it.
Stottlemeyer: That's how who does it?
Randy: Society. We live in a society.
Stottlemeyer: Yes, we do, Randy! Meanwhile, the "P" has been sitting on my screen for 10 minutes!
Randy: Fine. "P" for "Pam". No! "Panavision". "Tsunami", "Panavision", next letter, "L".
Stottlemeyer: "L".
Randy: As in... No, we'll come back to that one.
Stottlemeyer: No, we can't come back to it, Randy! [the phone rings; Stottlemeyer answers.] Whoever this is, thank you very much for calling.
TV Show: Monk
Monk: Oh, I hate Christmas.
Julie: How can you not like Christmas?
Monk: Well, you wouldn't like it either, if you hated it as much as I did.
Julie: But it's so joyful!
Monk: Don't get me started on joy. When you're older you'll understand. Joy is a trick, a diversion. It doesn't last forever. It breaks your heart every time. [honks the horn and yells out the window] DAMN JOY!
Julie: How can you not like Christmas?
Monk: Well, you wouldn't like it either, if you hated it as much as I did.
Julie: But it's so joyful!
Monk: Don't get me started on joy. When you're older you'll understand. Joy is a trick, a diversion. It doesn't last forever. It breaks your heart every time. [honks the horn and yells out the window] DAMN JOY!
TV Show: Monk
[Monk confronts Michael Kenworthy on the roof for disrupting traffic]
Monk: Mr. Kringle, are you on drugs?!?
Monk: Mr. Kringle, are you on drugs?!?
TV Show: Monk
Monk: [referring to why Santa Claus did not leave fingerprints] He was wearing gloves! Santa Claus gloves!
TV Show: Monk
Monk: [trying to tell his side of the story] I can be as offensive as your father.
Natalie: I'm sure you can.
Natalie: I'm sure you can.
TV Show: Monk
Dr. Charles Kroger: So, before Trudy, what was Christmas like for you?
Adrian Monk: Bleak... depressing... the pain was unrelenting, thank you for asking.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, they can't all have been that bad.
Adrian Monk: Pick a year.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Uh... 1964.
Adrian Monk: 1964, good choice. 1964... Mom was sick. Dad was... Dad was Dad. Ambrose locked himself in the basement, he's no fool. That Christmas I got one present - a walkie talkie.
Dr. Charles Kroger: [being positive] Well, those can be fun. I had a pair of walkie talkies once...
Adrian Monk: Not a pair. One walkie talkie. Dad said I only needed one because I had no friends.
Adrian Monk: Bleak... depressing... the pain was unrelenting, thank you for asking.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, they can't all have been that bad.
Adrian Monk: Pick a year.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Uh... 1964.
Adrian Monk: 1964, good choice. 1964... Mom was sick. Dad was... Dad was Dad. Ambrose locked himself in the basement, he's no fool. That Christmas I got one present - a walkie talkie.
Dr. Charles Kroger: [being positive] Well, those can be fun. I had a pair of walkie talkies once...
Adrian Monk: Not a pair. One walkie talkie. Dad said I only needed one because I had no friends.
TV Show: Monk