Monk Quotes

Adrian Monk: How long was I in there?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know, Mr. Monk. Maybe a minute.
Adrian Monk: It was like some medieval torture device.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I know. I once read for the Spanish Inquisition. They used to lock people in port-a-johns.
Adrian Monk: That wouldn't surprise me. [a stray blue beachball strikes Monk for the third time]
Adrian Monk: Natalie, let's just go.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, we haven't found the Captain's son.
Kendra Frank: [walks up to them] Excuse me. I heard some cops talking back there. They said you're some kind of detective.
Adrian Monk: That's true. I am some kind of detective.
Kendra Frank: Hi, I'm Kendra Frank. I'm a roadie for Trafalgar. [She shakes hands with Natalie and then with Monk. Monk then hands her a wipe]
Kendra Frank: I was a friend of Stork's, actually, I was more than his friend. I was his sponsor at Narcotics Anonymous.
Natalie Teeger: Uh-huh. And Stork is...
Kendra Frank: ...the roadie. The roadie they just found. Look, they're trying to say that he OD'd, all right, but that's not possible. He's been clean for 17 months.
Natalie Teeger: But, Kendra, there was a needle in his arm.
Kendra Frank: That's how I know something's wrong. Stork was completely phobic about needles. He was the only roadie I ever met that didn't have a tattoo. And he missed a whole South American tour last year because he wouldn't get vaccinated.
Natalie Teeger: Maybe he got over it.
Kendra Frank: You don't just get over a phobia

TV Show: Monk
Dr. Neven Bell: You know, I had a bully in school too. He would wait for me every morning outside the bicycle rack.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt. You went to your father for advice, and he told you to face up to the bully, and the bully backed down?
Dr. Neven Bell: Yes, more or less. Yes.
Adrian Monk: What a wonderful anecdote. It will give me something to think about at 1: 00 PM, when my head is in the man's toilet.

TV Show: Monk
Natalie Teeger: "Chess Domination, by Patrick Kloster." Well this will be the opposite of fun. [reads the dedication]
Natalie Teeger: "For my queen, Tatianna."
Adrian Monk: You don't have to read the dedication.
Natalie Teeger: [finds Linda Kloster's check in the book] What's this? Linda Kloster's check. You didn't deposit this?
Adrian Monk: I'll never deposit it.
Natalie Teeger: But Mr. Monk, she wanted you to cash it. Mr. Monk, if you deposit this check, you can pay your staff, and when I say "staff," I mean me.
Adrian Monk: She came to me. I didn't protect her.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, you did everything you could.
Adrian Monk: What about the promise I made to her about him not getting away with it?
Natalie Teeger: You made a promise to me.
Adrian Monk: [through the car mirror, he notices Patrick approaching them] Shhh, there he comes.

TV Show: Monk
Scorpion: [after spearing an opponent] Get over here, *****!

TV Show: Monk
[about the fact that people always seem to get murdered wherever Monk goes]
Natalie Teeger: You're the Prince of Darkness.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: No, he's not the Prince of Darkness. I've seen him vacuuming the ceiling. You wouldn't see the Prince of Darkness doing that.
Natalie Teeger: No, I can picture the Prince of Darkness vacuuming the ceiling, to trick us. He's very tricky.
Adrian Monk: Stop calling me the Prince of Darkness! That's how rumors get started.

TV Show: Monk
[stuck on a long stretch of Highway 101, Julie warns that she has to go to the bathroom]
Adrian Monk: No, no... here. [gives her a ten dollar bill]
Adrian Monk: I'll give you ten dollars to hold it in.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, what are you doing? You can't pay a kid not to pee!
Adrian Monk: Best money I ever spent.
Julie Teeger: Sure he can, it's called the free market. I learned about it in school. So, Mr. Monk... how much would you pay me not to vomit?

TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: What's wrong with me?
Natalie Teeger: Are you really asking or is that rhetorical?
Adrian Monk: Rhetorical.

TV Show: Monk
[John Keyes has taken Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer hostage]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Keyes, you don't wanna do this. You don't want to kill a cop.
Adrian Monk: Or an ex-cop.
Natalie Teeger: Or an ex-cop's assistant.

TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: We have to find a phone and call the police.
Harold Krenshaw: There's not enough time. It takes the police four minutes and 20 seconds to get here. Don't ask.

TV Show: Monk
Voice: Hands up! Any final words?
Natalie: Yes, I have something I wanna say. Happy birthday, Mr. Monk!

TV Show: Monk
[Sharona surprises Stottlemeyer]
Sharona Fleming: Excuse me, I'd like a lodge a complaint against one of your officers.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What did he do?
Sharona Fleming: He hasn't written or called me in five years.
[Stottlemeyer looks up and sees Sharons standing in the doorway]

TV Show: Monk
[At Natalie's family reunion picnic.]
Anne Marie: Are you my uncle?
Adrian Monk: No, no. I'm your Aunt Natalie's boss.
Anne Marie: Really? Do you know her other boss? The crazy one?
Adrian Monk: ...Yes. [referring to himself] I've met him once or twice.

TV Show: Monk
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [talking to a search party] Thank you all once again for coming. You know the situation. We're looking for a woman. Her name is Amanda Castle.
Lt. Randall Disher: Although any dead body would be of interest to us.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Randy.

TV Show: Monk
Sharona: You okay?
Monk: I just wanna be alone.
Sharona: Okay, I'll come with you.

TV Show: Monk
[first time line is spoken in the series]
Sharona: So you remember how many empty boxes you saw?
Monk: Yes. It's a blessing, and a curse.

TV Show: Monk
[On the hospital's roof, Monk addresses "Santa," in reality Dr. Lancaster in disguise, as the police cover them from below.]
Adrian Monk: By the way, in case we don't get a chance to talk later, [I] just want you to know — except for the murders and your trying to kill me, you really were the best doctor I ever had.

TV Show: Monk
[first lines]
Adrian Monk: [surveying a crime scene] The stove.
Lt. Gitomer: Over here. It's in the kitchen.
Adrian Monk: No... I mean *my* stove. I-I think I left it on.
Sharona Fleming: It's okay. I, uh, checked it as we were leaving.
Adrian Monk: Are you sure? Did you turn the knob?
Sharona Fleming: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: The little knob, though?
Sharona Fleming: I turned all the knobs. The stove is off, Adrian.
Lt. Gitomer: We believe it was a burglary gone sour. She walked in, she surprised him, he panicked, he left there from the kitchen.
Adrian Monk: No. No. No, no. No. No. This-This was no burglary.
Lt. Gitomer: It wasn't?
Adrian Monk: He tried to make it look like one, but this guy was cold as ice. He wore her slippers to avoid leaving shoe prints - not something your neighborhood crackhead is prone to do.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian. Adrian. [she claps her hands to try to get Monk's attention]
Adrian Monk: [looking at the closet] He was in here. He was waiting.
Lt. Gitomer: Waiting for what?
Adrian Monk: You know, for her. He was here at least an hour. He was smoking. You can still smell it on the curtains. [sniffs the curtains] Menthols. Salems. Possibly Newports.
Lt. Gitomer: Maybe she was the smoker.
Adrian Monk: No. No, she was a Dutch Calvinist. They don't smoke. They consider their bodies to be a holy - a holy chalice of - [turns to Sharona] I'm sorry. I'm having trouble concentrating, because I think I smell gas. Did you hear the click? You gotta hear the click, not just feel the click. Hear it. [to the other detectives]
Adrian Monk: Anyway, uh, after he ki

TV Show: Monk
[After watching Monk at work]
Cop #1: So that's the living legend.
Lt. Gitomer: If you call that living.

TV Show: Monk
[Monk is silently wandering around a crime scene.]
Policewoman: What's he doing?
Sharona: I love this part. He does this ZenSherlock Holmes thing.

TV Show: Monk
Sharona: You're going straight to Hell.
Adrian Monk: I am in Hell.

TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer and Disher are scrambling after the attempted assassination on Warren St. Claire]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, I'll call you back. I'll call you back. Okay.
Lt. Randall Disher: St. Claire just issued another statement.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Is he blaming us?
Lt. Randall Disher: Not yet. Just rah-rah stuff. He will not be silenced. He will not be intimidated.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He will be blaming us soon enough. Everybody does sooner or later. We gotta make a statement too. Is the press here? Who's here?
Lt. Randall Disher: The girl from channel 3.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The pretty one? [starts to check his hair]
Lt. Randall Disher: No, the other one.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's okay.
Lt. Randall Disher: Good. Who do you want on camera?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Me. I'll do it. I think it'll reassure people to see me taking point.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Anything on the shooter? Say yes.
Lt. Randall Disher: The forensic boys are still on site, but nothing so far.
[Deputy Mayor Sheldon Burger comes in]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, Sheldon Burger, who let you off your leash?
Sheldon Burger: I just came from the hospital. Bodyguard didn't make it. Mayor's on his way back from Sacramento. Look, I don't have to tell you, Captain. We're on a bus to hell.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I understand.
Sheldon Burger: If we don't slam dunk this, it's gonna look like we're not trying.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm not an idiot, Sheldon! I've got every available man on the case.
Sheldon Burger: No, you don't. Mayor wants you to bring in... your old friend.<

TV Show: Monk
Gavin Lloyd: No, no, no. Forget it. We're four points behind with ten days to go. I am not putting my man in a box.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nobody wants to put anybody in a box, Mr. Lloyd.
Lt. Randall Disher: All we want to do is limit your public appearances... and not announce your schedule in advance.
Gavin Lloyd: Oh, I'm sure the mayor would love that. Maybe we should move the whole campaign and run it from the basement. How about that?!
Warren St. Claire: Gavin, that's not fair. The captain's just doing his job.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. St. Claire, can you think of anybody who might wish you harm? A disgruntled employee?
Miranda St. Claire: Or an ex-wife. Or a union official. I know a couple of ex-business partners... who no longer send us Christmas cards. You boys have your work but out for you.
Warren St. Claire: A man who hasn't made any enemies hasn't done squat.
Jesse Goodman: Warren, you're sure you want to go through with this? After yesterday, no one would blame you if you quit.
Warren St. Claire: Jesse, you used to say "quit" was a four-letter-word.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Excuse me. We haven't been introduced. I'm sorry. Who are you?
Jesse Goodman: Uh, Jesse Goodman. I work upstairs. Senior vice president/concerned friend.
Warren St. Claire: I couldn't make this run if Jesse wasn't upstairs minding the store. Baby. [stands and approaches his wife] Do you need that?
Miranda St. Claire: Yes, I do. Somebody tried to kill my husband yesterday right in front of me.

TV Show: Monk
[Warren St. Claire speaks at Jason Ronstadt's funeral. Monk has lost his keys]
Warren St. Claire: In a few seconds, we will be closing the casket and saying good-bye to Jason forever.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, it's okay. We'll make new ones. Just - It's okay.
Adrian Monk: It's the key chain. The key chain - it was Trudy's. I gotta - I gotta - I gotta have those keys. That packet right there - just give it to me.
Sharona Fleming: No. [Reluctantly, she hands over the paperclip from the packet]
Warren St. Claire: Jason showed up every Sunday...
Sharona Fleming: You are going straight to hell.
Adrian Monk: I am in Hell.
Warren St. Claire: May his loving spirit live forever in our hearts and in our prayers. [Adrian starts to create a makeshift fishing line using some dental floss and the paperclip] Why don't we take a moment and meditate silently? [the people close their eyes and bow their heads. Meanwhile, Adrian lowers the fishing line] Now... old friend... we turn and salute you one last time. [St. Claire faces the casket and salutes. By mistake, Monk hooks Jason's sleeve. He pulls on it, yanking up the hand as if in response to St. Claire's salute. Cuts to later, outside the church]
Jesse Goodman: We gotta pull the car around. He's ready to go.
Angry Old Lady: [to Monk] You should be ashamed of yourself!
Miranda St. Claire: Do you lie awake at night thinking of ways to disrupt my husband's campaign?
Warren St. Claire: Now, Miranda...
Adrian Monk: No, ma'am, I like awake at night and try not to think at all.
Warren St. Claire: These things happen. Hell, for a minute, I thought I had a new campaign slogan: "Vote for St. Claire. He can raise the dead!" [He and M

TV Show: Monk
Miranda St. Claire: What I do know is, if my husband is elected Mayor, you will never work in this town again. [to her aide] Let's go.
[She walks off.]
Adrian Monk: [to Sharona] Are you registered to vote?
Sharona Fleming: I never vote. It only encourages them.

TV Show: Monk
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Let it go!
Sharona: Are we gonna let it go?
Monk: Hell, no.
Sharona: So what do we do now?
Monk: We're gonna follow the money. Mmm, aah! I've always wanted to say that!

TV Show: Monk
Miranda St. Claire: You have to believe me.
Adrian Monk: Mrs. St. Claire, I have to listen to you. I don't have to believe you.

TV Show: Monk
Monk: So, are you ever going to tell me what kind of dancing you did in Atlantic City?
Sharona: Ballroom.

TV Show: Monk
[After shooting his employer, Ian Sykes continues to fire on the crowd.]
Sharona: Oh my God! It's Sykes! He's here.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Sykes? What's he doing here?!
Monk: [dryly] I think he and Gavin are having some kind of contract dispute.

TV Show: Monk
[?Dirt-fearing Monk is standing a distance from the muddy car crash site on a plank.]
Sharona: Adrian! Don't you want a closer look?
Monk: No, I-I can see from here.
Sharona: Would you like us to move the crash site a little closer to you?

TV Show: Monk
[Capt. Stottlemeyer returns to his office to find Monk and Sharona waiting inside.]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was my office. Yeah, see, I-I'm confused because my name is on the door.
Monk: Don't... don't blame Sharona, Captain.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I have no intention of blaming Sharona.
[He looks at his desk.]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: What happened here?
Monk: I took the liberty of straightening up a little.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Where is all my crap?
Monk: Obviously, I had to throw some things away.

TV Show: Monk