Desperate Housewives Quotes
Julie: When was the last time you had sex? [Susan stops what she is doing]
Julie: Are you mad that I asked?
Susan: No, I'm just trying to remember.
TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Karl: The heart wants what it wants!
Susan: Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I'm able to control myself!
TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Carlos: Hey, Gabby, aren't we breast feeding?
Gabrielle: Oh, honey, if you could swing that one, more power to ya.
TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Carlos: We're not very nice people, are we?
Gabrielle: No. We're not.
Carlos: Aw, when we got married I thought we were gonna be so happy.
Gabrielle: Me too. [pause]
Gabrielle: Look on the bright side - at least we're still rich.
Carlos: Thank God for that.
TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Bree: [Rex has just admitted that he is a masochist] What the hell did your mother do to you?
TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Bree: [sighting down the P-08 Luger she has been given] George! This is so much better than an orchid!
TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Bree: [to Rex] Please don't mistake my anal retentiveness for actual affection.
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Bree: [to Rex] When is your midlife crisis going to end, because it's really starting to tick me off!
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Bree: Gabby, this is the way I see it, good friends offer to help in a crisis, great friends don't take no for an answer.
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Bree: Girls, you don't understand. This poor kid is scared out of his mind.
Gabrielle: Oh, for God's sake, Bree. You're a woman. Manipulate him. That's what we do.
Bree: But how?
Gabrielle: I don't know. How did you usually manipulate Rex? [Bree thinks about it, and smiles]
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Bree: How could we have all forgotten about this?
Lynette: We didn't exactly forget. It's just usually when the hostess dies, the party is off.
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Bree: I love sex. I love everything about it: the sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then when you add friction. MMMmmmm. The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man's nipple ever so gently. And then there's the act itself; two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum. I mean obviously it has its practical applications but I'm just not a fan.
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Bree: Maybe they'll just be happy for you.
Gabrielle: Bree, my friends are models, they're not happy for anyone.
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Bree: Okay, now I want you to hold the gun like you're holding a beautiful white dove. Hold it firmly enough that it can't get away, but not so firmly that you can kill it.
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Bree: The photographer's asking if he can get shots of the two of us.
Katherine Mayfair: Wait. I need to talk to you first.
Bree: [Chuckles] I misunderstood the situation, that's all. Can we just leave it at that?
Katherine Mayfair: No, we can't. And do you know why? Because I thought things were going well. I was having fun with you. Obviously... *I* misunderstood. So tell me, was there a straw that broke the camel's back? Or were you planning on killing me all along?
Bree: Here's the thing you need to understand about me and my friends. We each have our niche. Gabrielle's the glamorous one, Susan's the adorable one, Lynette's smart, Edie's... Edie, and I am the domestic one, the organizer, the one that knows that there are three tines on a dessert fork. I'm the one who gets teased for that. That's who *I* am. And that's also who you are.
Katherine Mayfair: So?
Bree: So... I don't really know HOW to be friends with you.
Katherine Mayfair: That's a shame, because I understand you better than all those other women do. I know how following the rules and all observing those little graces make you feel like you're in control. We've both had days where it was either set a beautiful table or curl up in a ball and die. [Tears welling in her eyes]
Katherine Mayfair: We're the SAME, Bree. And if you think that means we can't be friends, then I'm sorry. But it might also mean we could be BEST friends.
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Rex: Look at you... going out?
Bree: Not that it's any of your business, but I have a date.
Rex: A date... what kind of date?
Bree: Rex, I don't want to say anything that might upset you. The doctor said any more stress could cause another heart attack. [pause]
Bree: It's a romantic date with a single, attractive man and I intend to french the hell out of him.
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Rex: So, these "tennis lessons" we're taking, how are we doing?
Bree: My backhand is improving greatly, but you're still having problems with your serve.
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Zach Young: Thank you, Mrs. Van De Kamp.
Bree: [turning] For what?
Zach Young: Remembering my mother.
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Gabrielle: Before we got married we made a deal, remember? No kids.
Carlos: Deals are meant to be renegotiated.
Gabrielle: We're not negotiating my uterus.
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Gabrielle: Damn it, John! What's our new rule?
John Rowland: [sadly] Stop pretending we have a future.
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Gabrielle: I don't even know who to be angry at.
Father Crowley: Don't be angry, be thankful, children are a gift.
Gabrielle: I don't have time for this crap.
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Gabrielle: I want a sexy little convertible! And I want to buy one, right now!
Maserati Saleswoman: I'll go start the paperwork.
Gabrielle: Well, not this one. I... vomited in this one.
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Gabrielle: I'll send you back to China and you'll be on a rice paddy before the epidural wears off.
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Gabrielle: Please calm down!
John Rowland: This doesn't make any sense. Okay you love me. I know you love me.
Gabrielle: Love isn't enough. Where would we live? Here? With your roommates? The only decoration in the bathroom is a bong!
John Rowland: We could get our own place.
Gabrielle: How? You're barely making minimum wage!
John Rowland: Okay, sure. We'd be poor at first, but we'd be happy.
Gabrielle: I've tried poor, but happy. Guess what? Wasn't that happy!
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Gabrielle: The only person more self-centred than me is Carlos, he's so self-centred he doesn't even know how self-centred I am.
TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Gabrielle: The way I see it is that good friends support each other after something bad has happened, great friends act as if nothing has happened.
Bree: Well, then, good luck on your remodel.
TV Show: Desperate Housewives