Desperate Housewives Quotes

Carlos: "Okay, so if this guy shows up again, what am I supposed to do, exactly? "
Gabrielle: "Nothing. Just having you helps."
Carlos: "Now that's very sweet."
Gabrielle: "Because when he breaks in and starts hacking you up with his machete, your screams will wake me up, and then I'll be able to escape."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Austin: "That's your advice?"
Edie: "Well, I’m sorry. I've never been good at getting people not to have sex."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Edie: "The responsible thing is to abstain from sex and focus on your studies. There, I said it out loud just in case anybody asks."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Gabrielle: "Wait, wait, wait. First rule of ransacking: remember where everything goes."
[Takes three pictures with her camera phone.]
Susan: "You are gonna make a really good mother someday."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
(Susan and Gabrielle search for Julie's diary)
Susan: "Oh, and when you find it, you have to read it, because I promised her that I would always respect her privacy. Now help me flip this mattress."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Susan(to Edie, about Julie): "Now she's lying and scheming and having casual sex. She's just a boob job away from being you!"

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Susan(to Gabrielle): "Let's not pretend we're above teenagers."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Bree's mother-in-law: "Hello Bree. May I come in?"
Bree(watering garden): "What's a garden without a snake"

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Lynette: "I told you I wanted this floor to sparkle like your Mom's. Now does this floor look Bree Hodge clean to you?"
Andrew: "Uh... no. It looks Andrew Van de Kamp clean. But your disappointment in me is very Bree Hodge."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Lynette: "Hey, chill out. You're acting like I did when I was six months pregnant."
Tom: "Uh, excuse me. You were hitting people."
Lynette: "Only two. And the mailman had the good taste never to bring that up again."
Lynette: "What do you mean, it's bar mitzvah season? There's no such thing."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Tom: "I never thought you'd want a fifth kid."
Lynette: "I don't, but I didn't want the first four, and they're starting to grow on me."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Karen McCluskey: "At least your husband tries to be romantic. Every anniversary, Gilbert bought me an appliance. On the last one, he gave me a vacuum cleaner. He died two weeks later. I didn't cry."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Lynette: "Listen to me. I forbid you to die. If you leave me with a mortgage and a restaurant and five kids, I swear I will track you into the deepest pit of hell and make you pay."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Edie(to Carlos, undressing): "Just stop seeing the person that I've been and start seeing the person I could be. Look at me, not the Edie that I show the world. In fact - let's lose her. Forget the blouse that she wears because she knows it shows off her cleavage. And the skirt that's so short, because she knows that guys love long legs. And the heels, the ones that make her legs look even longer. Forget the bra that holds her breasts a little higher than they are on their own these days. And the panties, the ones that hide the scar from my c-section. This is it. Hi, Carlos. I'm Edie. I might not be the woman that you thought I was under all of that but I'm real, and I'm here. And I'm asking for a chance."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Mary Alice(voiceover): "Yes, you can learn a lot about women, from what they choose to wear. You can learn even more by what they choose to take off, and who they take it off for."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Lynette: "That's what we pay you and you seem happy enough."
Andrew: "That's because I'm doing the beer delivery guy."
Lynette: "Ok...My fault for asking."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Tom: "Surely you can control five little kids."
Karen McCluskey: "Can I beat them?"
Tom: "No."
Karen McCluskey: "Then my hands are tied."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Edie: "You think you were bored? I've had more thrills leaning up against my dryer."
Carlos: "Then what was all that moaning?"
Edie: "I was in pain! You were smashing my breasts!"
Carlos: "Oh, come on!"
Edie: "You hunkered down on top of me like you were hiding from the border patrol."
Carlos: "I was tired. You just laid there while I did all the work. When we were done, I felt like I should deflate you."
Edie: "Well, sex is like tennis. When you play an inferior opponent, your game suffers."
Carlos: "Are you challenging me to a rematch?"

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Edie: "I suppose we should tiptoe around like schoolchildren so our parents don't catch us doing it? I feel like I'm 12 again!"

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Gabrielle: "I made you waffles! Eat 'em while they're hot."
Victor: "Will you marry me?"
Gabrielle: "They're just toaster waffles."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Russell: "Well, I see you can't close a sale without opening something else."
Edie: "Oh, please, I heard about your open house on Holly Drive. They're still disinfecting the jacuzzi."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Susan(to Ian and Mike): "You two want a decision? Well, here's what I decide: There will be no kissing, and there will be no wedding, and there will be no damn cake!"

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Bree: "Not on the couch! I just had it reupholstered"
Orson: "Andrew take your sister into the kitchen. Get some towels, boil some water. Everything is gonna be fine! I'm a doctor."
Bree: "You're a dentist! What if there are complications?"
Orson: "Should an emergency arise we'll simply call an amulet."
Bree: "A what?"
Orson: "Ambulance."
Bree: "How many rum punches did you have?"
Orson: "There was punch in that rum?"

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Gabrielle: "Can I say something?"
Edie: "What?"
Gabrielle: "I'm sorry Carlos and I lied to you. I know we hurt you. And I wish it didn't happen the way it did. And I just wanted you to know that."
Edie: "Why are you talking like that?"
Gabrielle: "Well, I thought just in case we..."
Edie: "Oh, no you don't! You just shut the hell up. I'm not doing death bed confessions here. When we get through this, I'm gonna go on hating you for years to come."
Gabrielle: "Do you really hate me?"
Edie: "Yes!" (then realizes what has happened) "No. It's just that I really let myself fall for him, which was stupid because I always knew that he'd go back to you."
(Gabrielle and Edie hear a bang and hug each other tightly)
Gabrielle: "Well, I'm still sorry, though."
Edie (calmly and gently): "I said shut the hell up."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Carlos: "Do you mind if I say something?"
Victor: "Please."
Carlos: "Gaby and I never planned to get back together, Victor. We tried to keep away from each other. We really did. And...I don't know, it's like we're two halves of the same person or something. And when we're apart, we...we just aren't happy, which is why we... We never set out to hurt you, Victor. And I'm sorry we did."
Victor: "Are you done?"
Carlos: "Yeah."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Milton: "You're not getting a dime. Victor showed me the photographs of you and your ex-husband. You broke his heart. You humiliated him. So you'll inherit exactly what you deserve: nothing."
Gabrielle: "OK. I made a mistake. I'm sorry. But Victor wasn't entirely blameless. He ignored me. He used me politically. Oh, yeah, and he tried to kill Carlos. So I think I'm entitled to whatever he had.".  : Milton: "Ah, there's the thing. You married a man from a very rich family, the operative word being family. Everything is in my name. Always was. The service is starting. And it's time for you to go.".
Gabrielle: "Go? You can't kick me out of my husband's funeral!"
Milton: "I think it's appropriate, given the circumstances."
Gabrielle: "Go to hell.".
Milton: "I'll be delivering the eulogy. If you're still in this funeral when I reach the public, I am going to be telling all of these people that you are a cheating, lying whore. You see? I told you it was going to be an emotional day.". Katherine: "What are you still doing here? I thought you found a motel room".

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Gabrielle: "Here's the thing. I thought you were a hooker, so I had Lee proposition you so I could catch you in the act. But guess what? You passed the test! Everybody inside for margaritas!"

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Susan: "We're not inviting you to poker, we're not talking to you, we're not even gonna wave when you jog by. From now on, you are invisible" (Talking to Edie)

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Lynette: I'm in jail cause of Kalya, your daughter Tom!

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[about the kids]
Lynette: Why don't I just put them back in me and cook 'em until they're civilized?
Tom: You'd be cool with that?

TV Show: Desperate Housewives