Desperate Housewives Quotes

Andrew Van De Kamp: Mom, I'm gonna take these bowls to the kitchen...
Bree: Oh! thanks, dear.
Andrew Van De Kamp: With you... What are you doing?
Bree: Oh, I'm trying to stay out of the way of all the sparks that are flying...
Andrew Van De Kamp: Sparks? The man is twice my age.
Bree: Yes, but he's also... he's got a great sense of... OK, do you know how hard it is to get a good contractor?
Andrew Van De Kamp: Oh my God.
Bree: And poor Walter just had his heart broken, so if it takes you being nice to hime to have our house fixed...
Andrew Van De Kamp: You're pimping me out for a new roof?
Bree: And windows... and I'm not pimping you out, I'm simply asking you to show some kindness to a lonely man who happens to be an excellent roofer.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Look, if by kindness you mean sex...
Bree: Watch your mouth, I would never suggest that. You can raise a man's hopes without satisfying them, I've done it all my life. Andrew, I have got to get back into my house, and you're my only hope.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Fine, for you I'll flirt, I'll flatter and I'll charm.
Bree: Bless you...
Andrew Van De Kamp: And in exchange... I expect a 60-inch flat-screen TV.
Bree: Fine. And if you can get him to come on time and under budget, I'll throw in surround sound.

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Betty Applewhite: Bree, us widows have to stick together.

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
George Williams: Well... I'll see you, Dr. Van De Kamp.
Rex: Please, you're dating my wife. Call me Rex.

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Julie: [mocking Susan] Dear diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive.
Susan: Shut up.

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Parker Scavo: MOM! We're gonna bake you a cake when the doctor says your cancer's gone.
Lynette Scavo: Great! Grab this. [hands him a sack of rodent poison]
Parker Scavo: What's this stuff for?
Lynette Scavo: You know that possum that's been ruining our garden?
Parker Scavo: [Happily] Yeah, me and Preston named him Scruffles!
Lynette Scavo: Don't give him a name, he's not gonna be around much longer.
Parker Scavo: [concerned] You're not gonna hurt him are you?
Lynette Scavo: Honey, I put up a fence and he burrowed right under it. The man at the garden center said these are crafty creatures and there's only one way to stop 'em.
Parker Scavo: So you're gonna kill him?
Lynette Scavo: Sweaty let me ask you something. If you had to choose between mommy's beautiful garden and a gross, mean, dirty possum, what would you pick?
Parker Scavo: Scruffles!
Lynette Scavo: Ok, we're done talkin' here. [she grabs the bags from him, leaving him looking a little upset]

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
[Rex has just told Bree about his masochism]
Rex: For God's sake, you promised to be supportive.
Bree: What do you want me to say? My husband likes to wear metal clamps around his nipples. Hooray?

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Andrew: "I'm saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we just have food?
Bree: "Are you doing drugs?"
Andrew: "What?"
Bree: "Change in behavior is one of the warning signs and you have been as fresh as paint over the last six months. That would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom."
Danielle: "Trust me, that is not what he is doing."
Andrew: "Shut up."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Carlos: "It's business. Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives."
Gabrielle: "Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass."
Carlos: "I made over $200,000 with him last week. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Carlos: "At the Donahue party, everyone was talking mutual funds and you found a way to mention you slept with half of the Yankee outfielders."
Gabrielle: "I'm telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Rex(to Bree): "I'm sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn't move."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Rex: "Since when do you make mistakes?"
Bree: "What's that supposed to mean?"
Rex: "It means that I'm sick of you being so damn perfect all the time. You're this plastic suburban housewife with her pearls and her spatula who says things like 'We owe the Hendersons a dinner.'"

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Susan: "I just don't know how I'm going to survive this."
Mary Alice: "Listen to me. We all have moments of desperation. But if we face them head on, that's when we find out just how strong we really are."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Susan: "Oh, I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
Mike: "Why?"
Susan: "I made it, trust me. Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?"
Mike: "No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese."
Mike takes a bites of the macaroni, as SUSAN gestures apologetically, smiling
Mike: "Oh my God. How did tastes like it's burnt and undercooked."
Susan: "Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Danielle: "Why can't we ever have normal soup?"
Bree: "Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree."
Danielle: "Just once, couldn't we have a soup that people have heard of? Like, french onion or navy bean."
Bree: "First of all, your father can't eat onions. He's deathly allergic. And I won't even dignify your navy bean suggestion. (pause) So, how's the osso buco?"

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Susan: "How would you feel if I used your child support payments for plastic surgery?"
Julie: "You look fine."
Susan: "If you could cut back to two meals a day I could get a chemical peel."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Julie: "Stop being so nervous, you're just asking him out to dinner. It's no big deal. "
Susan: "You're right. (stalling) So, is that your project for school? You know in 5th grade I made the white house out of sugar cubes."
Julie: "Stop stalling and go. Before Mike figures out he can do better."
Susan: (gapes at Julie) "Tell me again why I fought for custody of you?"
Julie: "You were using me to hurt dad."
Susan: "Oh, that's right."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Lady: "Listen, it seems to me like you have some anger management issues."
Lynette: "I have four kids under the age of six. I absolutely have anger management issues."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Susan: "Julie? Mike Delfino just invited us to dinner Friday night."
Julie: "He did? Cool."
Susan: "But only I'm going. Because you're gonna come down with something semi-serious that requires bed-rest and fluids."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Gabrielle: "So now you're taking Julie on your dinner date with Mike?"
Susan: "Yeah, well, if Edie's gonna be there, I'm gonna need emotional support."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Julie: "Dear Diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive."
Susan: "Shut up."
Julie: "If you wanna date him, you're gonna have to ask him out."
Susan: "I keep hoping he'll ask me out."
Julie: "How's that going?"
Susan: "Shouldn't you be making brownies for your nerdy friends?"

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Yao Lin: "I hate lying."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, well, I hate your ironing, so there."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Gabrielle: "I can't believe she wormed her way in. How did you let her do that?"
Susan: "I don't know, I was gonna take her out at the knees, but it all happened so fast."
Gabrielle: "Well, you know what you need to do. You need to get there early, spend a little time with Mike before little barracuda gets there."
Susan: "That's a good idea. Edie will get there at 5: 45, which means her breasts will arrive at 5: 30, so I should shoot for five."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Bree: "It's the age old question. How much do really want to know about our neighbors?"

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Gabrielle: "Do you know how bored I was today? I came this close to actually cleaning the house."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Edie: "Oh God, look at all these things, all these beautiful things that my ex-husbands worked so hard for, burnt to a crisp."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Rex: "So these tennis lessons we're taking. How are we doing?"
Bree: "My back hand is improving immensely, but you're still having problems with your serve."
Rex: "Of course."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Paul: "Can I be frank?"
Susan: "Of course."
Paul: "I don't care what her reasons were. Maybe she was depressed. Maybe she was bored. It doesn't matter. She abandoned her husband and her son. And I'll never forgive her."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Gabrielle: "How was school?"
John: "I got an A minus in biology."
Gabrielle: "Show me what you you learned."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Susan: "Lynette?"
Lynette: "I'm in."
Bree: "I'll make braised lamb shanks."
Lynette: "I'm still in."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Zach: "You didn't put in an obituary?"
Paul: "I've been busy."
Zach: "Maybe when you die, I won't put in an obituary."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives