Desperate Housewives Quotes

Lynette: "Do you know what psychological warfare is?"
Porter: "No.."
Lynette: "Too bad for you."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Karen McCluskey: "How old are you?"
Porter Scavo(also referring to his twin brother): "We're 6."
Karen McCluskey: "And how old are you?"
Parker Scavo: "5."
Karen McCluskey: "Wow, your mother just pops them out, doesn't she?"
Porter Scavo: "How old are you?"
Karen McCluskey: "How old do you think?"
Porter Scavo: "150."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
John: "Mrs. Van De Kamp."
Bree: "Hello, John. I'm sorry to drop by on you, unannounced. Do you have a moment?"
John: "Sure. So, what can I do for you?"
Bree: "Well, I'll tell you. My daughter is planning on giving you her virginity and I would consider it a personal favor if you wouldn't take it."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Rex: for God's sake Bree, what do you want me to say? He's a teenage boy, we could cut of his penis and he'd still try to have sex."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Bree: "You're President of the abstinence club!"
Danielle: "Well, I wasn't planning on running for a second term."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Susan: "Well, I'm adorable crazy. And he's rampage crazy."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Bree: "We're WASPs, denying the white elephant in the room is what we do best."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Andrew: "Would this have to do with the condom you left in my room? 'Cause that wasn't mine..."
Danielle: "You suck, you know that."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Edie: "So, what are we looking for, exactly? An embroidered pillow that says "I killed Martha Huber"?"

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Edie: "I was just about to give a Maisy Gibbons update."
Lynette: "Guys, we should be ashamed of ourselves for reveling in that woman's misery. That being said, Edie, please continue."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Edie: "My necklace! Oh, you know, I lent this to Martha three months ago, and she said that it went down the drain. Oh, I miss how we used to steal things from one another."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Lynette: "I don't get it. I don't get who would pay Maisy for sex."
Gabrielle: "Obviously someone who is not getting it at home."
Bree: "Ah, what just happened?"
Lynette: "The stakes were raised."
Bree: "Yes, yes they were. I fold."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Maisy: "..I've been abandoned. I guess that what happens when you become the town whore."
Bree: "Oh sweetie, they didn't abandon you because you're a whore. They abandoned you because you weren't that nice to begin with."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Gabrielle: "As I see it, good friends avoid each other after being humiliated, but great friends pretend nothing happened in the first place."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Bree: "Good friends offer to help in a crisis; great friends don't take no for an answer."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Susan: "Do you believe in evil, Edie?"
Edie: "Of course I believe in evil, I work in real estate!"

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Rex: "Are they laughing at us?"
Bree: "No, I think they're laughing at you. I think they feel sorry for me which is, just as mortifying."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Rex: "What are we gonna do?"
Bree: "Oh. We're going to act like nothing is happening, and then, when we finish eating, we're going to walk out of here with all the dignity that we can muster."
Rex: "Please, let's go now..."
Bree: "Oh no. I refuse to give them this kind of satisfaction. Open your menu."
Rex: "Everybody's staring, Bree. It's humiliating."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Bree: "Rex, if you walk out of this restaurant, I will scream.
Rex: "Bree..."
Bree: "I will scream about your cruelty. Then I will scream about your infidelity. And just to make sure it really hurts, I will scream about your distasteful sexual habits. You want to know what true humiliation is, you just take one step."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Susan: "You lied to me."
Mike: "When? When did I lie to you?"
Susan: "The police showed me your rap sheet. You killed a man."
Mike: "You can't believe I'm some cold-blood killer."
Susan: "No, of course I don't believe that, but I also didn't believe that Karl was going to cheat on me, and I didn't believe that Mary Alice was gonna kill herself. I mean, let's face it, Mike. Blind faith is not my friend."
Mike: "I was gonna tell you. There just wasn't a right moment."
Susan: "See? Now that's a lie, too, because there were plenty of right moments."
Mike: "Susan-"
Susan: "Every time we went out for pizza, you could have said, 'oh, by the way, I once killed a man.' Or when you said, 'hey, let's go jogging', you could have said, 'well, by the way, I once killed a man.' Every time we went to the movies and the hero shot the bad guy, you could have turned to me and said, 'oh, by the way, I did that once.' You didn't."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Edie: "Susan, you know I try. I try to look past your flaws, your klutziness, that, that faux vulnerability, your hair, but you look for ways to push my buttons."
Susan: "He just wants to buy me a burrito."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Bree: "Think about how good men are at lying on the spot. Imagine if you gave them time and a pen."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Bree: "Porter, what did I tell you?"
Porter: "But I'm hungry."
Bree: "Well, then, I will fix you a very nice bowl of peaches and cottage cheese."
Porter: "Ew, barf."
Bree: "Don't be common, young man."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Gabrielle: "Because, one day, when the time is right, we're gonna tell him how he drove me right into your arms, and that's gonna kill him. And tonight, just whatever you do, don't call me beautiful."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Tom: "Lynette, the kids are getting older, and they are getting smarter. Soon, they're going to realize that they outnumber us, and then..."
Lynette: "We're screwed."
Tom: "Exactly.

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Lynette: "Hi. (to Bree) My babysitter cancelled."
Bree: "I've got millions of erands to run so...."
Lynette: "Please hear me out. This is important. Today I have a chance to join the human race for a few hours. They're actual adults waiting for me with margaritas. Look, I'm in a dress. I have make-up on."
Bree: "If it were any other day."
Lynette: "Oh, for Gods sake, Bree, I'm wearing pantyhose."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Rex: "Bree, why aren't you dressed?"
Bree: "I wanted to wear Andrew's favorite color, but I just realized I don't know what it is."
Rex: "Bree, I'm sure that you came to see him will be all he needs."
Bree: (ignoring him) "A good mother is supposed to know her kids inside and out, but I don't know that."
Rex: "Bree..."
Bree: "Yours is blue, and Danielle loves pink. But I...I can't remember Andrew's. Should I wear the brown, or the green..."
Rex: "Bree, you are a wonderful mother. And when you are ready, I'll be in the car."
Bree: (quietly, to herself) "I'll wear green; everyone likes green."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Felicia(referring to Mrs. Huber's house): "This is the place where good taste goes to die."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
Andrew: "You know what my mom said to me last night? She said she doesn't think I'm going to Heaven. Can you believe that?"
Reverend Sikes: "I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but the only way you can know Paradise is by repenting your sins."
Andrew: "When she said that to me, suddenly it hit me how I was gonna get back at her. From now on, I'm going to be so good. I'm gonna eat my vegetables, I'm,I'm gonna get good grades, I'm gonna say "yes, ma'am" and "no, ma'am." I'm gonna make her believe that God has delivered her this little miracle. Until one day, when she least expects it, I'm gonna do something so awful, it is going to rock her world. I mean, it is really going to destroy her. And when that day comes, trust me. I'll know Paradise."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives
John: "What about me? Can't I be your plan B?"
Gabrielle: "Damn it, John. What is our new rule?"
John: "Stop pretending we have a future."
Gabrielle: "Thank you."

TV Show: Desperate Housewives