NewsRadio Quotes

Andrea: Actually, I brought Steve over to help you, Dave.
Dave Nelson: Oh, so he's going to assist me.
Andrea: [Laughing] That's a cute way of putting it.

TV Show: NewsRadio
Beth: Aren't you worried that Joe will hurt Matthew?
Lisa: No, because Matthew will probably step on the ring, have an allergic reaction to all the cigar smoke, have a sneezing fit, and the referee will call off the fight.

TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: [in drag] ... After all, I am the belle of the ball.
Lisa: More like 'party slut'.
Dave: Jealous.

TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: Wait a minute, Joe. If what you're saying is true, then... I still don't care.

TV Show: NewsRadio
Jimmy James: I think we should just die with our boots on.
Dave: Sir, what are you talking about?
Jimmy James: Oh, I don't know. I was just trying to get you guys to notice my new boots.

TV Show: NewsRadio
[after Max's "this day in history" segment]
Lisa Miller: The Marines did not have a luau to celebrate the battle of Guadalcanal.
Max Lewis: I know. I wanted "La Bamba."

TV Show: NewsRadio
Mr. James: Melanie, I'm single, you're single, what do you say we get married?
Melanie: Well I'm glad you finally decided on the direct approach.
Mr. James: Yeah, well I'm a businessman at heart.
Melanie: As am I. What's your offer?
Mr. James: Single rich male seeks matrimony.
Melanie: Primary residence?
Mr. James: Westchester County.
Melanie: Would you be open to considering a secondary residence in Manhatten?
Mr. James: Central Park West?
Melanie: South.
Mr. James: Done. Time spent together.
Melanie: Eight hours, five days a week.
Mr. James: Seven hours, twelve hours weekends.
Melanie: Fifty-five hours aggregate, specifics to be determined later.
Mr. James: I'm amenable to that. Children.
Melanie: One.
Mr. James: Three.
Melanie: Two.
Mr. James: Done. But one of them has to be a male.
Melanie: I'll see what I can do. Vacations.
Mr. James: December, Hawaii.
Melanie: June. The Vineyard.
Mr. James: June fine, but Hawaii.
Melanie: Nope, the Vineyard.
Mr. James: Is that a deal breaker for you?
Melanie: I'm afraid so.
Mr. James: Me too. Well we gave it a shot.

TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: There are things in this life worth living for.
Lisa: Like love?
Dave: I was talking about coffee. By the way, do you have any?
Lisa: Love?
Dave: No. Coffee.
Lisa: No.
Dave: Well, then what's the point? [drowns himself]

TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: Bill, who is that man, and what the hell is he doing?
Bill: Oh, Cadbury's my new manservant. Isn't that right, Cadbury?
Cadbury: The master is correct.
Dave: You hired a butler?
Bill: I prefer the term "gentleman's gentleman".

TV Show: NewsRadio
Bill: I'll tell you what I'm high on...freedom!
Catherine: Bill, you're locked up in a mental institution.
Bill: And I've never felt freer.

TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: Bill, these people are insane.
Bill: Oh, really? Then why did they elect me Prime Minister of Ward 15 this morning?

TV Show: NewsRadio
Beth: Fire him as soon as he walks out that door.
Dave: Excuse me?
Beth: Fire him right here, right now, in front of everyone. Trust me, it will help you down the line. You're not exactly establishing yourself as an authority figure with the staff.
Bill: She's right, you know.
Beth: It's like, you know how they say when it's your first day in prison, you should act crazy and beat someone with a chair so nobody will mess with you?
Dave: I've never actually heard that before, Beth.

TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: Why? Because I'm the boss, Bill, that's why! That's why, Bill. And I will not be manipulated, I will not be contradicted, and I will not be intimidated!
Bill: Well, I didn't realize you were a man of such strong conviction, of such deeply felt moral tenacity, of such remarkable centeredness...
Dave: All right, Bill, I'm not going to be sucked-up to either.
Bill: Well, you've eliminated all my options. All that's left is backstabbing.

TV Show: NewsRadio
[Beth finds out that Dave and Lisa made out]
Beth: Dave, there is no avoiding it. When you make out with a co-worker, you have an ugly scene in the office and then the next thing you know, I am at home crying my eyes out because I'm afraid to come into work the next morning!
Dave: We're not talking about me any more, are we?
Beth: No, we're not, Dave. We're talking about me now.
Dave: You and, uh...
Beth: The Fed-Ex guy.
Dave: We don't use Fed-Ex.
Beth: Not any more.

TV Show: NewsRadio
Mr. James: Boy, I love a good party. You love a good party, Joe?
Joe: That's why I went to college, sir. That's also why I didn't graduate.
Mr. James: Yeah, me neither. So what? Didn't stop me from building a million-dollar empire. Didn't stop you from becoming a... what do you do again?
Joe: I'm an electrician.
Mr. James: Well, things were different in my day.

TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: I just had no idea that the Patch could have side effects.
Bill: And I had no idea you're only supposed to wear one at a time.
Dave: How many were you wearing?
Bill: Fifteen, sixteen. I sort of stuck them all around my waist like a belt.

TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: Mr. James, I didn't see you come in.
Mr. James: Yeah, that’s the way I like it. Like, uh, that magician guy. What’s his name?...
Dave: David Copperfield?
Mr. James: No.
Dave: Siegfried?
Mr. James: No.
Dave: Roy?
Mr. James: That's the one.

TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: Listen up, everybody, this is what we're going to do.
Bill: Standard subway crisis. We know what to do, Dave.
Dave: I didn't know there was a standard procedure for this.
Bill: Oh, sure. We send a reporter to the scene. He asks the transit police if he can go in the tunnel. They say no. He says okay. I go on the air every eight minutes and say "Still no news on that disabled train." Business as usual. Let's do it, people!
Dave: Actually, Bill, if I might, I'd like to try something a little different this time, okay?
Bill: Okay, how about this? Send reporter, transit police, tunnel-no-okay, me on air every seven minutes, blah, blah, blah. Let's do it, people!

TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: I made a small error in judgment.
Mr. James: A small error in judgment... What exactly would that be, Dave? Would that be Matthew's desk, or the dinner with Matthew, or the dinner with Lisa or the second dinner with Lisa?
Dave: Okay, I may have made three or four small errors in judgment.
Mr. James: No, they weren't errors, Dave. They were decisions and that's your job. No, the only error I see is that you're letting your people push you around and make you second-guess your decisions.
Dave: Of course, you're right.
Mr. James: And now you're letting me do it. Want my advice?
Dave: Yes.
Mr. James: Well, I'm not gonna give it to you.

TV Show: NewsRadio
[Matthew is worried he's going to get "The Shaft" - a bonus of zero dollars.]
Bill: Say, Joe, who's the black private dick that's a sex machine for all the chicks?
Joe: Bill, I think that would be Shaft.
[Matthew notices and looks up.]
Bill: And who's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about?
Joe: Again, Bill, we're talkin' 'bout Shaft.
Bill: Damn right.
Joe: You know, they say that cat Shaft is one bad mother-
Matthew: Shut up, you guys!
Mr. James: [entering] Hey, what's goin' on?
Bill: We're just talking about Shaft.
Mr. James: I can dig it.

TV Show: NewsRadio
Beth: Okay, now I assume you're giving Lisa the Big Bonus, right? I mean, in addition to the one you give her on a semi-nightly basis?
Dave: No, no I am not. I mean, just because Lisa and I are dating, that doesn't mean I'm going to give her the Big Bonus.
Beth: Oooh. You do know that Lisa is absolutely certain she's getting the big bonus, don't you, Dave?
Dave: Oh?
Beth: Yeah.
Dave: Oh... Okay, Beth, would you get Lisa for me?
Beth: [yelling] Lisa, Dave wants you! [to Dave] You're not going to give her The Shaft, are you, Dave? I mean, in addition to the one you give her on a semi-nightly basis?
Dave: Good God, Beth. Were you raised by truckers?

TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: Sir, it's about the budget.
Mr. James: The budget? Don't I pay someone else to think about that?
Dave: That would be me.
Mr. James: Well, then, why am I thinking about it? You know, you're not giving me much bang for my buck here, Dave.

TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: All right, look, Beth. I know you've had a rough day, I know this has been very hard on you, and I know you've heard this before; but I'm gonna say it again because it's important, all right? You do not have to subscribe in order to be eligible for the Publishers Clearinghouse sweepstakes.
Beth: You are so naive, Dave.

TV Show: NewsRadio
Bill: Do you have a special lady in your life?
Dave: No.
Bill: I'm sorry, that was presumptuous of me. Do you have a special person in your life?

TV Show: NewsRadio
[Catherine interviews Tom P. Baxter, "business visionary"]
Catherine: I realize no one can actually predict the future, but I understand you have a unique insight into where we might be headed as we approach the turn of the century.
Tom: Yeah, I do. As I see it, Catherine, the future of business, well, the future of this country in fact is... computers.
Catherine: Computers. Okay, would you care to elaborate on that?
Tom: Oh, you bet! I think computers are great! You can keep records on them, play games. They're, well, they're like magic.
Catherine: Uh-huh...
Tom: I mean, I don't have one yet. But I'm gonna get one, you better believe that.
Catherine: What exactly do you do for a living, Tom?
Tom: Well, I'm between things right now, but all that's gonna change just as soon as I get a computer!

TV Show: NewsRadio
Lisa: Have you ever taken naked pictures of yourself?
[Long pause]
Dave: [into speakerphone] Mom, I'm going to have to call you back...

TV Show: NewsRadio
[Beth shows Bill a nude photo of herself, disguised with a paper bag so he won't recognize her]
Beth: Bill, what do you think of this photo?
Bill: Who is that?
Beth: Oh, it's a friend of mine doing a thesis at NYU, it's a fine arts program.
Bill: Uh-huh. Well, it's an interesting commentary on the objectification of the female form and of course the masks women are forced to wear in our society. If I were the NEA I'd give her five or six grand.
Beth: Well, Bill, do you think it's sexy?
Bill: Well, I don't really think that's germane to a discussion of the statement the artist is trying to make.
Beth: Thank you, Bill.
[Bill walks over to Matthew]
Bill: Beth's showing nudie photos of herself with a paper bag over her head. Check it out.

TV Show: NewsRadio
Mr. James: You're sleeping with the boss now, Lisa. What do you think the staff's gonna feel about that? You know what people think about Yoko Ono.
Lisa: Yes, I do sir.
Mr. James: What about you Dave, you know what they think about Paul McCartney.
Dave: You mean John Lennon.
Mr. James: No, people liked him.

TV Show: NewsRadio
Mr. James: You know, back in the service we used to have a saying, "You can't expect the troops to salute you if you're sleeping with the sergeant."
Dave: (confused) What... what branch of the service were you in sir?

TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: But he is a rat, right? Doesn't anyone find that disgusting?
Catherine: Oh, he's cute Dave. Just pokes his little head out when it's quiet and sometimes we feed him potato chips.
Lisa, Beth: And Fig Newtons!
Dave: [faking a laugh] Aw gosh, [turning serious] does anyone here remember a little thing called the Black Plague?

TV Show: NewsRadio