Spaced Quotes

Criswell: [narrating] ... All of us on this earth know that there is a time to live, and that there is a time to die. Yet death is always a shock to those left behind. It is even more of a shock when Death, the Proud Brother, comes suddenly without warning. Just at sundown, a small group gathered in silent prayer, around the newly-opened grave of the beloved wife of an elderly man. Sundown of the day; yet also the sundown of the old man's heart, for the shadows of grief clouded his very reason... The funeral over, the saddened group left the graveside. It was when the gravediggers started their task that strange things began to take place.

TV Show: Spaced
Daisy: [from the alternative ending] We live in a fantasy world, Tim. We've just constructed this fake utopia where y'know we never get old and never have to face the responsibilities of adulthood. We're just stretching our childhoods out as far as they can go.
Tim: Yeah, I know. We're lucky aren't we?
Daisy: I mean, I'm not going to be wearing plastic jewlery when I'm 40. Am I?
Tim: I hope so.

TV Show: Spaced
General Roberts: [the General is explaining why a transmission from the aliens has been cut short] "Thats the end of that one. Atmospheric conditions in outer space often interfere with transmitting"

TV Show: Spaced
General Samuel T. Merritt: Before any of you accept, I should like to make it unmistakably clear that the dangers of this journey are above and beyond anything that the Space Corps or your own governments have any right to ask of you. I can give you confounded little reason for this attempt to reach Mars, and no assurance at all that it will even be successful. It's my personal conviction that no one but an idiot would volunteer, and I shall strongly suspect the sanity of anyone who does. All right, we've all got it straight. Who wants to go?

TV Show: Spaced
[Space Ghost follows ant that had bit him]
Space Ghost: That's right, I'm following you. Just keep walking. For every 300 steps your little ant feet take I take only 1
Space Ghost: That's it, run, run home. Take me to your family, for they will pay with my vengeance. [Hidden door opens revealing giant ant 5 stories high]
Space Ghost: Hey, your son just bit me, here. I wanna know what *you're* gonna do about it [After pause giant ant screeches, chases Space Ghost]
Space Ghost: [While running away] Your son is a moron!

TV Show: Spaced
Tim: You're scared of mice and spiders, but oh-so-much greater is your fear that one day the two species will cross-breed to form an all-powerful race of mice-spiders, who will immobilize human beings in giant webs in order to steal cheese.
Daisy: I never said that.
Tim: Yeah, but it'd be good though, wouldn't it?
Daisy: No.

TV Show: Spaced
[To his ex-girlfriend Sarah]
Tim: You can't dangle the bogus carrot of possible reconciliation in front of me whilst riding some other donkey.

TV Show: Spaced
Daisy: Do you want another cup of tea?
Tim: Ooh, no thanks, twelve's my limit.

TV Show: Spaced
Daisy: What do you do Brian?
Brian: I'm an artist.
Daisy: Oh, Tim's an artist. What kind of thing do you do?
Brian: Anger.
[Shot of Brian attacking the canvas furiously]
Brian: Pain.
[Shot of Brian pricking his finger with a needle and whimpering]
Brian: Fear.
[Shot of Brian cowering in the dark as creepy music plays]
Brian: Aggression.
[Shot of Brian violently smashing an egg with a hammer]
Daisy: Watercolours?
Brian: It's a bit more complex than that.
Daisy: Tim does cartoons.
Tim: It's a bit more complex than that.

TV Show: Spaced
Daisy: Do you rent downstairs?
Brian: D'you mean am I gay?
Daisy: What?
Brian: D'you mean am I gay?
Daisy: No, I meant "are you renting the downstairs flat?"
Brian: Oh, right. Yep, sort of.
Tim: Are you gay?
Brian: What?
Tim: Are you gay?
Brian: [Thoughtfully] No.

TV Show: Spaced
Mike: Wanna go back into your party?
Tim: But they were playing 'The Time Warp'! I hate 'The Time Warp'!
Mike: Daisy likes it.
Tim: I don't care! I hate it! It's boil-in-the-bag perversion for sexually repressed accountants and first-year drama students with too many posters of Betty Blue, The Blues Brothers, Big Blue and Blue Velvet on their blue bloody walls!

TV Show: Spaced
Tim: What is this? This is rubbish! We should be listening to firm young melodies, kicking tunes, thumping bass! God I sound so stupid!

TV Show: Spaced
Brian: I'm busy Tim, painting a triptych.
Tim: Oh yeah what's it called?
Brian: Bad sandwich.
Tim: Really?
Brian: Yes.
Tim: Mmm.
Brian: It's a piece about violence in it's immediacy, the instancy of the event. A synchronic rendering of three explosive, aggressive, expressions...
Tim: There'll be girls at the party.
Brian: Really?
Tim: Yes.
Brian: Mmmmm...

TV Show: Spaced
Daisy: : You're up early.
Tim: Oh, I haven't been to bed. Me and Mike met up with these two Scottish guys in the pub and they gave us all this cheap speed.
Daisy: Oh Tim, that's so tacky.
Tim: Yeah I know, but y'know they were so nice... I think if we'd said no they'd have got offended and beaten us to death with a pool cue.

TV Show: Spaced
Daisy: Where's Mike?
[cuts briefly to shot of Mike running around a tree, revving an imaginary motorbike and making engine noises]
Tim: [shrugs; and mumbles: ] I dunno.

TV Show: Spaced
Vulva: Abstract expressionism is so mid-to-late eighties.

TV Show: Spaced
Tim: You know when you said it went well? Well, when you said well, did you mean shite?

TV Show: Spaced
Daisy: Right, I'm going to the shops. D'you want anything?
Tim: Porn.
Daisy: Tim, I'm not going to buy you porn. You can get it from railway sidings like everybody else.
Tim: I can't, I'm an adult. I'm supposed to leave it there.

TV Show: Spaced
Tim: LOOK! Daisy... Daisy, Daisy, Daisy... It's gonna be okay... Now have a big toke on this South-African drugs reefer style splif doobie.

TV Show: Spaced
[After practicing introducing himself in a mirror]
Brian: Brian. Painter. Loser. Big... fucking loser.

TV Show: Spaced
Vulva: [noticing Brian at the after-show party] Oh Brian, you came!
Brian: No, I just spilt my drink.

TV Show: Spaced
Tim: Aren't you going to ask us how it went?
Daisy: How did it go?
Tim: Really badly.

TV Show: Spaced
Vulva: I can't believe some of the shit I used to do with you!

TV Show: Spaced
Tim: [On Resident Evil] It's a subtle blend of lateral thinking and extreme violence.
Brian: What, like "It's A Knock Out"?

TV Show: Spaced
[After Brian has received his party invite]
Tim: So are you going to go?
Brian: I don't know. I haven't seen her for ages.
Tim: No. I mean, are you going to go, now?
Brian: Oh, yeah. [He leaves]

TV Show: Spaced
[On Brian]
Daisy: You don't like him, do you?
Tim: No, I do. I just think he's a bit pretentious.
[Brian enters, wearing a very loud waistcoat]
Brian: How do you think I look?
Tim: Bit pretentious?

TV Show: Spaced
Brian: Do you think I should lose the waistcoat?
Tim: I think you should burn it. Because if you lose it, you might find it again.

TV Show: Spaced
[Inspired by Tim's punching of Vulva]
Brian: Vulva turned me into a monkey! I'm not a monkey! I'm a man! A monkey... man!

TV Show: Spaced
Tim: So what happened last night then?
Daisy: Well we went to see an interesting piece of contemporary theatre, drank an enormous amount of free wine, ate our body-weight in Twiglets and you punched an artist in the face.
Tim: Shit, I'm not supposed to eat Twiglets
Daisy: Why not?
Tim: They make me violent

TV Show: Spaced
Tim: Where are you?
Mike: Uh, Sheffield.
Tim: What are you doing in Sheffield?
Mike: I fell asleep on the tube.
Tim: The tube doesn't go to Sheffield, Mike.
Mike: Yeah, I know, I, uh, must have changed at Kings Cross.
Tim: Alright, well don't fall asleep on the way back ok?
[Mike falls asleep on the phone]
Tim: Mike?

TV Show: Spaced