Two and a Half Men Quotes

Alan Harper: Jake can hear you two in bed.
Judith Harper: Oh God! Oh God!
Herb: He didn't hear that.

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Charlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen.
Charlie: Which half?

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie Harper: [wants custody of Jake if something happens to Judith and Alan] All right, Alan, let me ask you something: If I'm here, and Jake's in Rhode Island, who's gonna teach him all the things he needs to know?
Alan: Jerry and Faye are both college professors.
Charlie Harper: I'm talking about the important stuff; about life. Face it... when the time comes, are those two *eggheads* gonna step up and get your kid laid?
Alan: You're not helping your case, Charlie.

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie Harper: So what's your plan? Where are you headed?
Jake Harper: I'm gonna stay here.
Charlie Harper: Oh, you can't stay here.
Jake Harper: Why not?
Charlie Harper: Because your'e running away. "Away", according to the dictionary, means "not here". It's usually preceded by the words "Far far", or in your case "Go".

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Mom! Thank God, you're here!
Evelyn Harper: Oh, I don't need your sarcasm, Charlie.

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: Can you believe!... Two of Cynthia's three children didn't even bother showing up at her funeral, and the one who did was drunk, and cracking tasteless jokes about his Mother all throughout the service...
Charlie Harper: You didn't happen to jot any of them down, did you?

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan[to Jake]: Oh, oh, remember, you're being punished. So no TV, no computer, no Game Boy. Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears.
Charlie: OK, but you have to be my liver and prostate.

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: So what's the deal with your teacher?
Jake: Miss Tuttle? She's very strict.
Charlie: That could work.

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Judith[to the class]: OK, everybody, what we're gonna do is put the girls on one side and the boys on the other.
Alan: Sure, start splitting them up early. That's your answer for everything, isn't it?
Judith: Excuse me?
Alan: Uh, would Mrs. Plaintiff please see Mr. Respondent in the hallway?

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Look Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again. I don't want you to hate me anymore.
Jake: I don't hate you.
Charlie: Good.
Jake: I'm just very disappointed in you.
Charlie: Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother.

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: It's not that I don't care what you want. It's just that... you're a kid. What you want doesn't matter. [Jake folds his arms in disgust] Wow. I do suck.

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: I have a kid now.
Lisa: Oh, God, Charlie, what poor girl did you knock up?
Charlie: No, no, it's my nephew. He and my brother are living with me now. I'm like, Mr. Family Guy.
Lisa: Yeah, right, family guy. How's it going with your mom?
Charlie: What the hell does my mom have to do with family?

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: My parents are splitting up.
Charlie: Yeah, looks that way. You're lucky. When I was a kid I could only dream about my parents splitting up.
Jake: Your mom is my grandma.
Charlie: Yeah.
Jake: Grandma says you're a bitter disappointment.

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Look at you all grown up and back living with Mom. How good do you feel about yourself right now, on a scale from 1 to...2?

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: How did you get in my house?
Alan: Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks, not sitting on your welcome mat!
Charlie: Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it's impossible to find when you're drunk.

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: Why is your head exploding?
Charlie: Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.
Jake: If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?
Charlie: Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what... here's twenty. That should cover me until lunch.

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: OK, I put the groceries away, I folded the laundry, I put Jake to bed....
Charlie: The guilt thing doesn't work on me, Alan.
Alan: Yeah, well it's all I got. I gotta go.
Charlie: Where are you going?
Alan: Take out the garbage.
Charlie: Today wasn't garbage day.
Alan: No, not here, at Judith's.
Charlie: At Judith's? Alan, your wife threw you out.
Alan: Well that doesn't mean she doesn't need me anymore.
Charlie: It kinda does. So, how do you lift those garbage cans without a spine?
Alan: ...The-they're on wheels.

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: We can't go out tonight. We're getting up early to go to Disneyland.
Charlie: "We"?
Alan: Yeah. I thought maybe you'd want to come with us.
Charlie: Alan, I'm not thrilled about having one small rodent in my house. Why would I drive 50 miles to see their kingdom?

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Cab Driver: Your mother sounds like a real piece of work.
Charlie: Ah, you have no idea, my friend. My mother took my baby brother and dipped him in sissy sauce, and turned him into the people-pleasing control freak you see today.
Alan: That's right! And — and she made him so scared of intimacy that — that he has just this endless stream of gorgeous girls running in and out of his life.
Charlie: Damn her.
Cab Driver: You know, many psychologists agree: Until the core maternal relationship is resolved, most men are doomed to repeat dysfunctional childhood patterns.
Charlie: Just drive the cab, Dr. Phil.

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Judith: [About Jake] He can't go in the water this weekend, he's got an ear infection.
Jake: Awwwww, Mom...
Alan: No, it's OK, pal, we'll have a great weekend. We can go to Disneyland, we can play miniature golf, go bowling, bike riding, whatever you want.
Charlie: Alan, relax. You're starting to sound like a tampon commercial.

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: I even made your coffee.
Charlie: Thank you. [takes a sip] No, uh-uh. Not as good as Berta's.
Alan: But... it's her coffee! I just-- I just pushed the button.
Charlie: Berta's tasted... I don't know, Christmassy.
Alan: Wh-- what does that mean, "Christmassy"? What--
Charlie: It means "like Christmas".
Alan: No, you... you gotta work with me, Charlie. I mean, nutmeg, cinnamon, powdered reindeer...
Charlie: I don't know. It's just that when you drank it, it just felt like Christmas morning and anything was possible.

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Berta has lower back pain while lifting up a laundry basket]
Alan: You, uh, you do a lot of lifting? [Berta gives him a dirty look] Of course you do. You're a maid, and I'm an ass.
Berta: I'm a housekeeper.
Alan: Yes.
Berta: And you're an ass.

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: You know what, Charlie? You're impossible! I give up. I'll go get Berta back.
Charlie: Fine! Good!
Alan: All right, where does she live?
Charlie: I don't know.
Alan: All right, what's her last name?
Charlie: I don't know.
Alan: Your entire life revolves around this woman and you don't know anything about her!
Charlie: Wait!.... She took a bus!

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got creamed. No one won, no one lost.
Jake: Yeah, except for us, 12 to 2.
Charlie: Hey, pal, it doesn't matter if you win or lose. It's whether or not you beat the spread.

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Hey, we're here for fun, right? Nobody wins or loses.
Alan: Oh, come on! Somebody always loses! [stands up] Who are we kidding? It's 8 to 1 out there and everybody here knows it. And-- and you know, I'll tell you another thing! We haven't won a game all season, and I'm putting that in the newsletter! And as God as my witness, there will be a newsletter!
Jake: Dad, you're kind of freaking everybody out here.
Charlie: Forget it, Jake. It's Sherman Oaks.

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: I want you two and Jake to come to dinner and meet Tommy.
Both: Well...
Alan: Jake has this thing...
Charlie: Got work.
Alan: Judith will have Jake.
Charlie: Don't really want to.

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Evelyn finds out that Charlie previously dated her boyfriend Tommy's daughter, Olivia]
Evelyn: Is there anyone in the 310 area code that you have not mounted?
Charlie: Come on, we went out a couple of times. She assumed it was an exclusive thing, and when she found out it wasn't, she got a little upset. [waves at Olivia after she stares at him] Anyway, Tommy seems like a real nice guy. I'm-- I'm very happy for you. Good night. [starts to leave]
Evelyn: Charles, you are not going anywhere. This man is very important to me. Now, we are going to have a nice dinner, you are going to be charming, and Tommy will remain oblivious to the fact that you defiled his daughter.
Charlie: Hey, she wasn't exactly filed when I met her!

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Charlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen!
Charlie: Which half?

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Hey, where have you been?
Charlie: I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker. They spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.
Alan: You do have that, you know. Well, anyway, look, can we talk about this picture Jake drew?
Charlie: What's to talk about? He's a boy. He saw a woman's ass. He liked it. Thank your lucky stars it wasn't the cable guy's ass and move on!
[Jake enters the kitchen]
Jake: Hey, Dad, where's "Can-cun"?
Alan: Cancún?
Jake: No, it's spelled "Can-cun".
Alan: It's in Mexico. Why?
Jake: We should go there for Christmas instead of Aunt Betty's.
Alan: What are you reading?
Jake: Sports Illustrated, but it's mostly ladies in bathing suits.

TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Uh, l-- look, I-- I appreciate your-- your feelings for me, but I have to tell you, I-- I really think your-- your daughter deserves a lot of respect. I mean it-- it takes real courage to make changes in your life and not worry about what everybody thinks.
Judith: Thank you, Alan.
Evelyn: That's true. The lesbians of my generation were too scared to come out of the closet.
Lenore[Judith's mom]: Does that mean what I think it means?
Alan: You haven't told them?
Judith: No. I thought it would be more appropriate coming from your mother.

TV Show: Two and a Half Men