QI Quotes

Alan Davies: [playing with magnetic letters laughing at Jo] Quim! Jo's got quim!
Stephen Fry: Have you? Jo Brand, you put the "qi" in quim.

TV Show: QI
Bulma: Hey, did you buy your license?

TV Show: QI
Rob Brydon: When I was small and my dad just happened to hit his finger with a hammer for something new, he used to say, 'Hells bells and buckets of blood.'
Stephen Fry: That's a good saying 'Hells bells and buckets of blood.' I usually just say **** it!

TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: [signing off] And as they say in Ireland, may you get to Heaven a half-hour before the Devil knows you're dead.

TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: [during an odd one out question] None of them is the odd one out is the answer. Do you know why?
Phill Jupitus: What kind of a hellish quiz is this?
Stephen Fry: Fair point.
Phill Jupitus: What one's the odd one out? None of them. Baah, bah, bah, bah.
Stephen Fry: Hey. Is that me?
Phill Jupitus: That's you.
Stephen Fry: Oh bugger you. I don't sound like that. Baah, bah, bah.

TV Show: QI
[During a discussion on the future of Aviation, Stephen remarks that the flight crew of the future will consist of one pilot and a dog]
Stephen Fry: The job of the pilot will be to feed the dog. The job of the dog is to bite the pilot if he tries to touch anything.

TV Show: QI
David Mitchell: [in imitation of an outraged right-winger] You don't take an active interest in how your country is run for just forty-five years, and look what happens!

TV Show: QI
[Discussing dolphins]
Ronni Ancona: A lot of people say that they're smarter than people, but if they were, wouldn't they be saying that?

TV Show: QI
[On the subject of Adam and Eve]
Stephen Fry: But perhaps, you know, we should believe in Adam and Eve. Geneticists have established that every woman in the world shares a single female ancestor who lived a hundred and fifty thousand years ago. Scientists actually call her "Eve", and every man shares a single male ancestor called "Adam". It's also been established, however, that Adam was born eighty thousand years after Eve. So the world before him was one of heavy to industrial-strength lesbianism, one assumes.

TV Show: QI
[After a question concerning Burmese etiquette]
Stephen Fry: While double-checking this … on the Internet, we came up with the extraordinary information that it's considered polite to express joy by eating snow and to send unwanted guests away by biting their leg, and normal behaviour to wipe your mouth on the sofa. This is actually true, the researchers were writing this down with great excitement about Burma, only to discover in the end that Burma turned out to be the name of a poodle belonging to the author of the website.

TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: Where is ninety percent of the universe?
Jeremy Hardy: Ikea.

TV Show: QI
Jeremy Hardy: You're basing all this on what Stephen Hawking says, and the fact is, he's subject to interference from minicabs.

TV Show: QI
[About Cruithne, assumed to be Earth's second moon]
Rich Hall: So you're telling me there's a second moon?
Stephen Fry: There... I am!
Jeremy Hardy: "Blue moon, I saw you standing alone". Not "with a small friend".
Rich Hall: So why is there, uh... why is there not one romantic song with the word "Cruithne" in it? Why not "Blue Cruithne of Kentucky", or "Cruithne River", or--
Alan Davies: No one can see it--

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Stephen Fry: Holmes was retired by this point, and was keeping bees on the Sussex Downs.
Alan Davies: Against their will?

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Stephen Fry: What begins with A, has six Cs, and no Bs?
Clive Anderson: Is it the Welsh alphabet?

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Stephen Fry: What is the most boring place in Britain?
Jo Brand: Is it the Big Brother House?

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Alan Davies: Charlton Heston played Michelangelo?
Stephen Fry: Yes, you know, and—
Alan Davies: The effete Italian homosexual?
Stephen Fry: Yes, that's the one, he was not effete—
Alan Davies: Played by the president of the gun club?
Stephen Fry: He was an athletic Italian homosexual-
Alan Davies: I thought he was a wussy one!
Stephen Fry: He may well have preferred man-on-man action, that doesn't mean he was Julian Clary! He was butch, like me!

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Stephen Fry: Welcome to QI, the closest modern equivalent to Lions versus Christians.

TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: How do otters kill crocodiles?
Rob Brydon: Softly with their songs.

TV Show: QI
[Danny Baker has related a theory that states if a person can lick their own elbow, then they will be immortal.]
Stephen Fry: But isn't that how socialism was invented, that someone said, "Come, let us lick each other's elbows"?

TV Show: QI
Danny Baker: The fourth largest navy in the world, if one goes by boats alone? Disney. Disney has the fourth largest flotilla in the world.
Stephen Fry: Good God. They'll be making films next!

TV Show: QI
Jackie Clune: I have an Australian girlfriend who has two vaginas. She went to have a smear test and the doctor said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. You've got some precancerous cells, but they're only in one of your vaginas." She says, "Oh, I've been saving the other one for that special man."

TV Show: QI
Jackie Clune: It is actually possible for the ball sack to be stretched beyond recognition.
Jimmy Carr: By a woman scorned?

TV Show: QI
[Randomly, during a question as to whether banana plants are trees]
Sean Lock: They walk.
Stephen Fry: I'm sorry?
Sean Lock: Banana plants, whatever they're called, walk.
Stephen Fry: Nurse, nurse, he's out of bed again.
Sean Lock: ...they do, they walk. I travelled to Columbia and went to a banana plantation and I was admiring this banana tree said "hold on a minute, what about this patch next to the tree and the man said "the banana trees they walk".

TV Show: QI
Jo Brand: Can I just say something that's very strange? Because there's some German chewing gum called Spunk, and, um, you do have to be careful you don't swallow it—but in fact, I actually talked about that chewing gum on Clive James's show with you [pointing at Stephen] and Princess Diana! Do you remember? Seriously!
Alan Davies: [wearily] That was a dream. You've got to sort these out.

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Stephen Fry: Who are the Lords of Shouting?
Jo Brand, Alan Davies: [hitting their buzzers] WE ARE!

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[Discussing the airport luggage codes that would cause you to have MAD BAD FAT SAD OLD GIT on your suitcase]
Stephen Fry: … which means they would in fact have recently visited Madrid, which is "MAD" … Bossy-er City, Louisiana …
Rich Hall: Oh!
Stephen Fry: … which is "BAD"—you're from Louisiana, aren't you?
Rich Hall: It's called Bossier City. [He pronounces it "Bojer".]
Stephen Fry: Bossier! I beg its appalling and insignificant pardon.

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Peter Serafinowicz: I never saw American History X, because I didn't see any of the first nine.

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[Discussing the possibility of receiving xenotransplanted organs from pigs]
Linda Smith: Now what are the chances of a reckless young pig, goes out and gets killed in a motorcycle accident? They probably don't even carry donor cards!

TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: It's in the Bible …
Alan Davies: I haven't read it!
Stephen Fry: You should—it's hilarious.

TV Show: QI