My Name Is Earl Quotes

Chubby: [smelling one of his female employees at Club Chubby before turning to Earl] You wanna smell it? Go on, smell it!
Earl: [Earl sniffs] Nice! Vanilla.
Chubby: Yeah. [Randy tries to sniff but is restrained by Chubby, who clenches Randy's chin]
Chubby: Not you!
Randy: [through pursued lips] But I love vanilla! It's my third favourite flavour!
Chubby: Alright. Just a whiff. [Chubby drags Randy towards female employee by his chin then releases him]
Randy: [satisfied] It smells like a cupcake with boobies.
Chubby: [pulls a gun on Randy] Open up! This is a real classy joint. And I don't wanna ever hear boobies around here. Got that?
Randy: [paralysed with fear] Uh-huh!
Chubby: [shoots Randy, revealing the gun to be a water pistol full of alcohol] Vodka!

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Earl: [voiceover] Quittin' smokin' is kinda like going to prison. If you can last three days, you'll be fine. Me and Donny's mom tried everything. We listened to the tapes, then we tried the patches, then we heard somewhere to try carrot sticks. We tried it, but we couldn't get the damn things to light.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Earl: I'm not doing Donny Jones.
Catalina: Why not?
Earl: I just don't want to okay. Besides, I don't even know where he lives.
Randy: They have big yellow books where you can find that stuff out Earl.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Earl Hickey: [Randy crashed his moped] You all right?
Randy Hickey: Yeah. Stupid pothole tripped me. [to pothole]
Randy Hickey: Why don't you look where you're goin'!
Earl Hickey: Randy, why don't you sit down for a minute?
Randy Hickey: I am sittin'. [pause]
Randy Hickey: Oh. [sits down]
Randy Hickey: When did you grow a moustache?

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Joy Turner: Why are you touching me? Where's that female guard who looks like the coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers?
Randy Hickey: She's sick today so they said I get to frisk all the women, 'cause if someone sues, I got the least stuff to lose. [slowly moves on to her chest, then suddenly squeezes her large breasts]
Joy Turner: Randy!

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Randy: I'm sorry I burned down that barn, Earl.
Earl: I know you are. It's ok.
Joy: Oh my god. You two are a couple of fruits.
Darnell Turner: I think it's sweet.
Joy: Then why don't you all go and have a three way. Pack of fruitcakes. [walks to kitchen]
Randy: I don't care what she thinks. [hugs Earl]
Earl: I don't either, Randy.
Joy: [offscreen] My god, I'm gonna vomit.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Earl: [narrating] You know that guy you see, when you stop off at the convenience store in that little town on the way to Grandma's house? Sort of shifty looking fella who buys a packet of smokes, a couple-a lotto tickets and a "Tall Boy" at 10 AM in the morning? The kind of guy you wait to come out before you and your family go in? Well... that's me. My name is Earl. And if you took the time to really get to know me, find out what kind of person I really am instead of just stereotyping me, because of the way I look... well, you'd be wasting your time. 'Cause I'm exactly who you think I am. Hell, I'll pretty much steal anything that's not nailed down.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Earl: Ain't no use running, fool! I know where your momma parks your house!

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Donny: I got a tattoo of Moses partin' the Red Sea on my bottom. Wanna see?

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Catalina: This is the sweetest, most justified kidnapping I've ever seen.
Randy: How many have you seen?
Catalina: About five or so.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Randy: You sure you want to get Grandpa's cuckoo clock back? That thing nearly put my eye out.
Earl: Well, you shouldn't have stood so close. You knew what time it was.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Earl: Karma. You gotta love it!

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Randy: Yeah, I'm glad she's not dead any more. Being dead is definitely worse than being alive. When you're dead you can't do all the cool stuff you can do when you're alive. You and I, we can do all kinds of cool stuff cuz we're living, we're not dead, we're alive. If we were dead we wouldn't be able to do all the cool stuff we can do, because we're alive. Dead people can't do cool stuff. Only people that are alive can do cool stuff, cuz they're living, and you have to be living to be able to do cool stuff. You have to be alive. Yeah, 'cept when you're alive sometimes bad stuff happens too. Like sometimes you can get into a car wreck, or you can have a headache or twist your ankle or even stub your big toe... So being alive is kinda hard too, but I think it's definitely better than being dead...

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Randy: Maybe you should listen to Catalina. She's a woman, just like Natalie. They're both women; her and Natalie. You and I are men. We're not women.
Earl: [narrating] Sometimes Randy takes a long road to a simple thought.
Randy: You see, men think different than women. You and I think different than Natalie and Catalina 'cause we're men and they're women. I'm right, right, I'm not wrong. Am I wrong?

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Randy: Try callin' Karma.
Earl: It's Karma, Randy. Not Lassie!

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Joy: I don't know if what she's speaking is a real language, but if it is, it's all lies.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Candy Stoker: But Mom, I want to be a doctor!
Shelly Stoker: Honey, if I wanted a doctor in the family, I would have made a boy!

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Shelly Stoker: I just can't believe you were married to Joy Darville. I haven't thought about how much better I am than her in years!

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Scott: I'm proving my love to you.
Tess: By burning a swastika in my yard?
Earl: Dammit. [tries to stomp out the fire, then his shoe gets kicked into black guy's window; black guy throws it back out]

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Earl: Now, before I forget, is there anything else I need to fix?
Tess: Uhh... I used my hand on a guy a little.
Earl: [a little high-pitched] Yeah, I don't know how to un-ring that bell!

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Randy: If I check McNuggeted do you think they'll let me have two different dipping sauces? I like hot mustard for the first bite but I like to chase it with a little honey on the second bite. You know, it's like having a small meal followed by a tiny dessert every ten to fifteen seconds.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
[Earl believes Joy told Darnell that they had sex but she has told him Earl slept with his mother]
Earl: Come on, Crabman, you know how she is! You can't be that surprised! [is punched by Darnell] It's not like this is the first time it's ever happened. We used to do it all the time! [is punched again] Come on, Crabman, I didn't get mad when you slept with her! [is punched and knocked to the floor]
Darnell: You take that back! I've never had sexual relations with my moms!

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
[Earl is representing his father in a debate for an election to be mayor.]
Rhonda Gibbs: Mr. Hickey, your views on transport infastructure?
[Earl looks blankly at her, but eventually starts talking.]
Earl: One time, my dad made a driveway sealer out of maple syrup and ground-up glass. Randy tried it on pancakes. But that's another story.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Carl Hickey: I'm Carl Hickey, and I need your vote.
[Airplane flies overhead]
Carl: But I shouldn't have to shout over airplanes to get it!

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Randy: You know, feliz nobby blah.
Catalina: That means nothing.
Randy: To you, maybe, but in American, that means "Christmas" in Mexican.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Randy: If I can steer that toy car around the room, then we'll be ok to drive.
Earl: Randy, that's the cat.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Joy: You don't want to injure your toilet-scrubbing hand.
Catalina: Quiero agradecer a todo el publico Latino que nos acompaña cada semana. Y para los que no son Latinos, les felicito por aprender otro idioma. [I want to thank all the Latino audience that joins us every week. And for those that are not Latino, congratulations to them for learning another language.]
Joy: Sorry sweetheart, I don't speak "maid".

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Earl: It's gone!
Dodge: What's gone?
Earl: Mystery Fun Land. They tore it down. Now I can't cross ya off the list.
Dodge: You mean your "idiot list"?
Earl: Is that what your mom calls it?
Dodge: She also puts another word in front of it, but I don't know what it means. The guy from Scarface says it a lot.
Earl Jr.: I know what it means.

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Mr. Patrick: Are you and e. coli buddies?
Earl: Is that the little Chinese guy in the back who washes the dishes?

TV Show: My Name Is Earl
Xena: You takin' all those rolls to Mr. Patrick's house? Ha. He goes through a lot of toilet paper because he's so full of crap! Yesss!

TV Show: My Name Is Earl