Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
Patty (to Malcolm; on the phone with Francis) Francis? Is that Francis? Tell him it's Patty Henderson from 8th grade algebra.
Malcolm (to Francis): Patty Henderson says hi!
Francis: Oh, my God! Patty Henderson is your babysitter?!?!
Patty: Let me talk to him. Hi!
Francis: Don't let her... Hi... Patty!
Malcolm (to Francis): Patty Henderson says hi!
Francis: Oh, my God! Patty Henderson is your babysitter?!?!
Patty: Let me talk to him. Hi!
Francis: Don't let her... Hi... Patty!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm [to Dewey]: You were gonna make her a card?!
Dewey: No.
Reese: You like glitter, Dewey?
(next scene)
Patty (walks in): Dewey?
(Dewey is a mess again)
Malcolm: This is what he is. He's a walking disaster area.
Patty (using baby's voice): Guess who needs another bath?
(Dewey smiles as Patty sends him to the bathroom)
Dewey: No.
Reese: You like glitter, Dewey?
(next scene)
Patty (walks in): Dewey?
(Dewey is a mess again)
Malcolm: This is what he is. He's a walking disaster area.
Patty (using baby's voice): Guess who needs another bath?
(Dewey smiles as Patty sends him to the bathroom)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese [to Dewey]: You, sitting around with your big eyes and your dopey voice. I have to resist hugging you myself.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Patty (about Francis): He was so nice, and so cute.
Reese: Yeah, I'm a lot like him.
(Malcolm rolls his eyes)
Reese: Yeah, I'm a lot like him.
(Malcolm rolls his eyes)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Dewey: What is that?
Malcolm: It's the cest pool.
Dewey: We have a pool?
Malcolm: It's the sewage of the house.
Malcolm: It's the cest pool.
Dewey: We have a pool?
Malcolm: It's the sewage of the house.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
(Barbara & Tom are watching Hal fight Jack while Lois tries to stop them)
Barbara: Oh, for God's sake, Tom. Do something!
Tom: I'll refill your drink.
Barbara: Okay.
Barbara: Oh, for God's sake, Tom. Do something!
Tom: I'll refill your drink.
Barbara: Okay.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Dewey: I can dance... wanna see?
Patty: Okay.
Dewey (gets up and dances): Poopy, poopy, poopy, poopy, poop-y! Poopy, poopy, poopy, poo. (repeats over and continues dancing)
Malcolm (to the camera): This is embarrassing.
Patty: Okay.
Dewey (gets up and dances): Poopy, poopy, poopy, poopy, poop-y! Poopy, poopy, poopy, poo. (repeats over and continues dancing)
Malcolm (to the camera): This is embarrassing.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Tom [to Hal]: Well that was still good on how you got him to scream like a girl.
Hal (embarrassed): No, that was actually me.
Hal (embarrassed): No, that was actually me.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
(Hal and Tom are restrained by guards and both of them are sweating up a rainstorm.)
Hal: It's too late! Something snapped! I am way past the point of no return! We're talking primal animal urges! I'm gonna let nature take its course...AND KILL HIM!
Hal: It's too late! Something snapped! I am way past the point of no return! We're talking primal animal urges! I'm gonna let nature take its course...AND KILL HIM!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois [to Hal]: In 30 seconds, I'm going to instruct these men to let you go.
Hal: (all worked up) Thank you, Lois. Thank you.
Lois: And then you will have a choice. You can indulge your primal urges with him, or... you can come back to the motel...and indulge your primal urges with me.
Hal: (looks at Lois, then at Tom, then at Lois again) Don't trivialize my anger, Lois! I mean, there are some things that you just don't try to talk people out of. (calming down) I have a legitimate situation here.
Lois: (sympathetic) I know, baby. (kisses Hal)
(Hal calms down whimpering. The guards release Hal and Tom. Hal and Lois leave, arm in arm, but as Hal passes Tom, he smacks him. Tom gets feisty, but soon realizes that Hal/Lois are leaving innocently.)
Hal: (all worked up) Thank you, Lois. Thank you.
Lois: And then you will have a choice. You can indulge your primal urges with him, or... you can come back to the motel...and indulge your primal urges with me.
Hal: (looks at Lois, then at Tom, then at Lois again) Don't trivialize my anger, Lois! I mean, there are some things that you just don't try to talk people out of. (calming down) I have a legitimate situation here.
Lois: (sympathetic) I know, baby. (kisses Hal)
(Hal calms down whimpering. The guards release Hal and Tom. Hal and Lois leave, arm in arm, but as Hal passes Tom, he smacks him. Tom gets feisty, but soon realizes that Hal/Lois are leaving innocently.)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Craig, that button's been disconnected for a year now.
Craig: What? Why?
Lois: Because you kept pressing the damn thing.
Craig: In an emergency, that's what it's for.
Lois: Oh, "emergencies" like when you saw a bee. Or when you saw that big fly that you thought was a bee. What about the time you thought you saw a ghost?
Craig: I'm not saying that it was or wasn't, but you can't tell me that what we saw was normal.
Craig: What? Why?
Lois: Because you kept pressing the damn thing.
Craig: In an emergency, that's what it's for.
Lois: Oh, "emergencies" like when you saw a bee. Or when you saw that big fly that you thought was a bee. What about the time you thought you saw a ghost?
Craig: I'm not saying that it was or wasn't, but you can't tell me that what we saw was normal.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: That's strange. Why would someone fill this thing with hundreds of hanging bowties?
Malcolm: Those aren't bowties. Those are bats!
Malcolm: Those aren't bowties. Those are bats!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: Does anyone want my baked potato? It's kind of burnt.
Hal: Reese, we didn't have any baked potatoes.
(Reese looks down and sees a bat on his plate)
Everyone (screams): Aggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
Hal: Reese, we didn't have any baked potatoes.
(Reese looks down and sees a bat on his plate)
Everyone (screams): Aggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: So, Dewey, how was school today?
Dewey: Mikey Duffy pushed me down today.
Hal: Well, did you push him back?
Dewey: No, he's bigger than me.
Hal: Uh-huh... Reese?
Reese: I'm on it.
Dewey: Mikey Duffy pushed me down today.
Hal: Well, did you push him back?
Dewey: No, he's bigger than me.
Hal: Uh-huh... Reese?
Reese: I'm on it.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Robber (cheery): How are you?
Craig: Good.
Robber (smiles): Good. (screams) NOW TELL US THE DAMN COMBINATION!
Craig: Good.
Robber (smiles): Good. (screams) NOW TELL US THE DAMN COMBINATION!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Craig: Trust me, anything you say won't hurt me.
Robber: Yeah, how about you give us all the money and every other cash register?
Craig: Oh, my God, a gun!
Lois: Craig, don't panic. We just give them the money from every cash register and they leave.
Craig: What about the safe?
Robber: What safe?
Craig: -ty, safe-ty of the customers.
Robber: Yeah, how about you give us all the money and every other cash register?
Craig: Oh, my God, a gun!
Lois: Craig, don't panic. We just give them the money from every cash register and they leave.
Craig: What about the safe?
Robber: What safe?
Craig: -ty, safe-ty of the customers.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Can we hurry this along?
Robber #1: Yeah, if someone would give us the combination.
Lois: Well, I can't, but the assistant manager can.
Robber #1: Great, what's the combo?
Craig: No.
Lois & Robber #1: What?
Craig: You can't have it.
Lois: Craig, yes, they can.
Robber #2 (pushes Robber #1 aside): Watch out, I'll get it. (takes gun out) WHAT'S THE COMBO?!?!?!
(Craig passes out)
Robber #1: Yeah, if someone would give us the combination.
Lois: Well, I can't, but the assistant manager can.
Robber #1: Great, what's the combo?
Craig: No.
Lois & Robber #1: What?
Craig: You can't have it.
Lois: Craig, yes, they can.
Robber #2 (pushes Robber #1 aside): Watch out, I'll get it. (takes gun out) WHAT'S THE COMBO?!?!?!
(Craig passes out)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois [to Craig]: Do you see the big buck knife that guy has? Do you want to antagonize him? Do you really want to feel that knife cutting through your flesh... (Craig starts passing out again) Craig, stay with me here. Damn.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal (to Dewey): Now, this last bat is tricky, son. You see, if he lands in our hair, he'll bite, get tangled, and keep biting. But if he lands in your hair, he'll just bite once. So, I want you to go in and lure him out. Okay?
Dewey (scared): Okay.
(Dewey makes his way in and pokes the bat with the pole; through the bat's vision we see Dewey's mouth open up then the scream comes out, and as the bat flies towards him, Dewey runs out of the room; as it gets to the doorway lots of white lines literally fill its vision up within 2 seconds; back in the family's viewpoint we see Malcolm, Reese, and Hal emptying three FULL cans of silly string on it)
Everyone: YEAH!! ALL RIGHT!!
Hal: Well, I don't know about you, but I sure feel great. (The whole house is a wreck; Hal sighs) Okay, somebody go get the broom and dust pan.
Dewey (scared): Okay.
(Dewey makes his way in and pokes the bat with the pole; through the bat's vision we see Dewey's mouth open up then the scream comes out, and as the bat flies towards him, Dewey runs out of the room; as it gets to the doorway lots of white lines literally fill its vision up within 2 seconds; back in the family's viewpoint we see Malcolm, Reese, and Hal emptying three FULL cans of silly string on it)
Everyone: YEAH!! ALL RIGHT!!
Hal: Well, I don't know about you, but I sure feel great. (The whole house is a wreck; Hal sighs) Okay, somebody go get the broom and dust pan.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois [to Craig]: I am going to have to destroy what ever made you say that. But believe me, its for your own good. #1: No to anything your thinking, no to the buts, no to your what if's, no, no, NO, NO!!!! #2: (she grabs Craig's arm and twists it)
Craig (cries): Owwwwwww.
Lois: Remember that pain. Whenever something else creep's in your head other than the friendly hello I give you in the morning, you remember that pain.
Craig (cries): Owwwwwww.
Lois: Remember that pain. Whenever something else creep's in your head other than the friendly hello I give you in the morning, you remember that pain.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
(Lois gets up and leaves; Craig is shocked)
Robber #1 [to Craig]: Whoa, chubs, you got busted.
(Craig rises; Robber #1 is afraid, gets back, and goes to his partner; the two look at him)
Craig: You want this?! You want this safe?! You want this stupid-stupid-stupid safe?! (he lifts it up; the robbers are shocked) Here's your stupid safe!!!!
(The robbers get out of the way and the safe hits the floor and breaks open)
Robber #1: Cool.
(Robber #2 grabs the pack of money and the two take off)
Robber #1 [to Craig]: Whoa, chubs, you got busted.
(Craig rises; Robber #1 is afraid, gets back, and goes to his partner; the two look at him)
Craig: You want this?! You want this safe?! You want this stupid-stupid-stupid safe?! (he lifts it up; the robbers are shocked) Here's your stupid safe!!!!
(The robbers get out of the way and the safe hits the floor and breaks open)
Robber #1: Cool.
(Robber #2 grabs the pack of money and the two take off)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm (to the camera): Okay, so I faked it. But with the family I have, it would've been only a matter of time anyway.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm (to the camera): I need to seem cured, but to leave the door open for a relapse when I start ballet next semester.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: The tricky part is I need to keep this up without being put on medication.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois (cleaning up): Underpants, in a closet. Human underpants!! I must not threaten you people enough.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese [to Malcolm]: You look so adorable. You know what I like about medieval week is that you can spot the Krelboynes from super far away and they jingle when you hit them.
Hal (coming out of the shower): Reese, leave your brother alone. (to Malcolm) Although you are asking for it.
Hal (coming out of the shower): Reese, leave your brother alone. (to Malcolm) Although you are asking for it.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois [to Malcolm]: Where's your jester costume?
Malcolm: In my backpack. I'll wear it at school.
Lois: Put it on. I didn't stay up all night for my health.
Malcolm: In my backpack. I'll wear it at school.
Lois: Put it on. I didn't stay up all night for my health.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: Why don't you just put a bulls-eye on my chest and get it over with?
Lois: Oh, you look fine. (The bells on Malcolm's costume jingle) And Reese will tell me if you take these off.
Lois: Oh, you look fine. (The bells on Malcolm's costume jingle) And Reese will tell me if you take these off.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm (to the camera): When I was six, I dove in a pool and my trunks came off. God, I wish I was there right now!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle