Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
Reese: Hey, what am I thinking right now?
Malcolm: I'm smart, I'm not a psychic.
Dewey: Can you understand what dogs are saying?
Malcolm: No.
Dewey: I can.
Malcolm: I'm smart, I'm not a psychic.
Dewey: Can you understand what dogs are saying?
Malcolm: No.
Dewey: I can.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: (sits with Malcolm on the dinner table while she hands him a can) Go ahead. It's a name brand. (opens the can, then Malcolm drinks it) I know you didn't do this. You're a good boy. But I want you to help me with this.(the background music changes) This is serious. One of your brothers could've burned the house down. (shows Reese, but at a different time) And for that he will be severely punished. But the one who helps me will be a happy, little boy. (shows Dewey, also at a different time) And I want that to be you. (back to Malcolm) Because you always been the best one. (back to Reese) You always been the best one. (back to Dewey) You have always been the best one.
Malcolm: Mom, honestly, I don't know.
Reese: (different time) I don't know.
Dewey: (different time) Don't know.
Malcolm: Mom, honestly, I don't know.
Reese: (different time) I don't know.
Dewey: (different time) Don't know.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Stanley [to Francis]: Did they crack?
Francis: No, Dewey faked a stomach cramp. Bought them some time.
Stanley: Good man.
Cadet 1: Man, if we had your Mom in 'Nam, there would be a McDonald's at Hanoi Square right now.
Cadet 2: Dude, there is a McDonald's at Hanoi Square.
Cadet 1: (pause) All right. (the cadets bump fists)
Francis: No, Dewey faked a stomach cramp. Bought them some time.
Stanley: Good man.
Cadet 1: Man, if we had your Mom in 'Nam, there would be a McDonald's at Hanoi Square right now.
Cadet 2: Dude, there is a McDonald's at Hanoi Square.
Cadet 1: (pause) All right. (the cadets bump fists)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis (on the phone with Malcolm): You have to stay together. You have to stay united.
Stanley: United against who?
Francis: (to Stanley) My mom.
Stanley: Nice.
Stanley: United against who?
Francis: (to Stanley) My mom.
Stanley: Nice.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
(Lois has the boys pressed against a corner)
Malcolm: You tell her!
Reese: You tell her!
Lois: Who? (Malcolm and Reese start arguing) Okay, okay. Closer to the wall. (pushes them closer)
Malcolm: Wait. Mom. Seriously, it reeks over here.
Dewey: I can't help it.
Malcolm: You tell her!
Reese: You tell her!
Lois: Who? (Malcolm and Reese start arguing) Okay, okay. Closer to the wall. (pushes them closer)
Malcolm: Wait. Mom. Seriously, it reeks over here.
Dewey: I can't help it.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis: Wait, a minute. Did you hear breathing?
Malcolm: What?
Francis (pauses): Mom? (both Malcolm and Francis realize that Lois is on the other line; all the cadets break out)
Lois: Malcolm, would you hang up the phone, please?
Francis: Hi, Mom. Happy Anniversary!
Malcolm: What?
Francis (pauses): Mom? (both Malcolm and Francis realize that Lois is on the other line; all the cadets break out)
Lois: Malcolm, would you hang up the phone, please?
Francis: Hi, Mom. Happy Anniversary!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese (to Malcolm): Come on, we could get out of this. You have to use that brain of yours, think. Think! (grabs Malcolm's shirt)
Malcolm (to the camera): All I could think about is how hard he's twisting my nipples. (to Reese) OW!
Malcolm (to the camera): All I could think about is how hard he's twisting my nipples. (to Reese) OW!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois [to Francis on the phone): I didn't send you up there so you could undermine my authority!
Francis: Why did you send me up here?
Lois: Well, it wasn't so you could undermine my authority!
Francis: Why did you send me up here?
Lois: Well, it wasn't so you could undermine my authority!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: (angrily; on the phone with Francis) I cannot talk to you right now. You make me so mad, sometimes I just wanna break your neck! (pause) Did you get the cookies I sent you.
Francis: (smiling) Yeah, they were great.
Francis: (smiling) Yeah, they were great.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: (to the camera) The good thing about being smart is I never have to look up any phone numbers. The bad thing is, no one else in the family ever bothers to remember anything. [
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Hi! We're just calling to check in. Let me speak with Francis.
Dewey: He's...in the bathroom.
Lois: Oh. Well, let me talk to Malcolm.
Dewey: He's...in the bathroom.
Lois: They're both in the bathroom? What are they doing in there?
Dewey: I have to go to the bathroom. [hangs up]
Dewey: He's...in the bathroom.
Lois: Oh. Well, let me talk to Malcolm.
Dewey: He's...in the bathroom.
Lois: They're both in the bathroom? What are they doing in there?
Dewey: I have to go to the bathroom. [hangs up]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[After cleaning up the house]
Reese: It's never been this clean before.
Malcolm: Uh-oh. It's too clean.
Francis: You're right. She'll never buy it.
[The boys start messing up the house]
Reese: It's never been this clean before.
Malcolm: Uh-oh. It's too clean.
Francis: You're right. She'll never buy it.
[The boys start messing up the house]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: Quick, we better hit the road.
Lois: Fine. I'll shave my legs in the car.
Lois: Fine. I'll shave my legs in the car.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Nurse (to the Wilkerson kids): Oh, for God's sake. You kids again? And a head injury? You boys like to keep it interesting, do you?
Malcolm (to the camera): We kinda have history here.
(scene cuts to Reese about to hammer a nail to an aerosol can, then Francis balancing a knife on his finger and throwing it into the air, Malcolm nodding off while holding a pair of scissors with the sharp points to his head while Reese approaches behind him about to pop a balloon, then we see Malcolm rotating tires from a bike when Dewey opens his mouth and tries to bite the rotating tire)
Malcolm (to the camera): We kinda have history here.
(scene cuts to Reese about to hammer a nail to an aerosol can, then Francis balancing a knife on his finger and throwing it into the air, Malcolm nodding off while holding a pair of scissors with the sharp points to his head while Reese approaches behind him about to pop a balloon, then we see Malcolm rotating tires from a bike when Dewey opens his mouth and tries to bite the rotating tire)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: It'll be nice I can go a whole weekend without yelling at someone every 20 seconds.
[Sees a car tailing them from the rear view mirror]'
Lois: Either speed up or get off the road, jackass!
[Sees a car tailing them from the rear view mirror]'
Lois: Either speed up or get off the road, jackass!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis: Look, guys, I appreciate your sentiment. But they're not going to decide my whole future based on how I behave over one weekend without even telling me about it. It's too arbitrary. It's unreasonable.
Malcolm: It's Mom.
Francis: Okay, let's clean up.
Malcolm: It's Mom.
Francis: Okay, let's clean up.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Did you know that your family has given me a nickname?
Hal: That's nice. What is it?
Lois: Lois... Common... Denominator.
Hal: That's nice. What is it?
Lois: Lois... Common... Denominator.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis: Did you guys see Circus break that cinder block with his head? That's a good lesson for you guys. It didn't break the first six times, but did he quit trying? No, sir.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: You know how Francis gets when people tell him what to do.
[A flashback occurs with Lois and Francis]
Lois: I am warning you. If you get your nose pierced, you are going to military school and I mean it. Really. Do you hear me?
[Francis smiles and comes home hours later with his nose pierced. Lois is making dinner.]
Francis: Hey mom. What's for dinner?
[A flashback occurs with Lois and Francis]
Lois: I am warning you. If you get your nose pierced, you are going to military school and I mean it. Really. Do you hear me?
[Francis smiles and comes home hours later with his nose pierced. Lois is making dinner.]
Francis: Hey mom. What's for dinner?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: I can't stop thinking about what I did to Kevin. I feel like crap, and no one understands. Even you--you're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care.
Stevie: And yet...you keep...talking.
Stevie: And yet...you keep...talking.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Ed: Now we can see your house!
Lois: Well, let me tell you something, Ed. As far as I'm concerned, you and the neighbors should all just... (starts acting like a monkey)
Hal: That goes double for me. I want you all off our property, or I'll... (acts like a monkey, too, as well as Dewey and Reese)
Malcolm: How could they act like this? (scratches his armpit, then quits and realized what he just did)
Lois: Well, let me tell you something, Ed. As far as I'm concerned, you and the neighbors should all just... (starts acting like a monkey)
Hal: That goes double for me. I want you all off our property, or I'll... (acts like a monkey, too, as well as Dewey and Reese)
Malcolm: How could they act like this? (scratches his armpit, then quits and realized what he just did)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: It's weird — I think I'm having a spasm. The muscles in my face keep pulling at my mouth. Oh! I think I'm happy!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: [Entering the trailer] Ohh, this is cozy!
Malcolm: It's like a hundred and fifty degrees in here!
Reese: My butt is sweating...
Lois: It just needs to air out a little. [Reese begins to take off his pants.] The trailer!
Malcolm: It's like a hundred and fifty degrees in here!
Reese: My butt is sweating...
Lois: It just needs to air out a little. [Reese begins to take off his pants.] The trailer!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis: What did my Mom send me? (opens a box) Bug-infested cookies. As usual, a mixed message.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: Look at that sky, Malcolm. Just think. Somewhere out there, all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, who's looking down on us. Or would it be up at us? Or maybe sideways?
Malcolm: Trust me, Dad, they're all looking down on us.
Malcolm: Trust me, Dad, they're all looking down on us.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
(Hal and Lois are arguing when a car pulls up; Hal is in his underwear)
Hal: (yelling) What are you looking at?! Hey, this is a private conversation buddy. Huh!! (the driver stares while Malcolm tries to hide himself) Oh, yeah, like you've never seen this before!!
Malcolm: My mistake. I'm on the next street over. (Hal and Lois continue fighting)
Hal: (yelling) What are you looking at?! Hey, this is a private conversation buddy. Huh!! (the driver stares while Malcolm tries to hide himself) Oh, yeah, like you've never seen this before!!
Malcolm: My mistake. I'm on the next street over. (Hal and Lois continue fighting)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Dewey: Mom, can I have a story?
Lois: Once upon a time, there was a little boy that made his mom so crazy she decided to sell him to a circus.
Dewey: An evil circus?
Lois: No, a nice one with monkeys.
Dewey: Thank you.
Lois: Once upon a time, there was a little boy that made his mom so crazy she decided to sell him to a circus.
Dewey: An evil circus?
Lois: No, a nice one with monkeys.
Dewey: Thank you.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Keep it down!
Reese: Huh?
Hal: Don't talk to your mother like that!
Lois: Go sit in the corner!
Reese: There are no corners!
Reese: Huh?
Hal: Don't talk to your mother like that!
Lois: Go sit in the corner!
Reese: There are no corners!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle