Malcolm in the Middle Quotes

[Lois is stressed out once again as Francis and Ida continues fighting]
Francis: I don't care if you knew the end of the Star Trek episode, I didn't and you ruined it. You can't let anyone else be happy.
Ida: Shut up, monkey. Anyone with half a brain could see the rocks were alive.

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Francis, everyone else in this family either has school or a job. So you're staying here and helping your grandmother.
Ida: I DON'T NEED HELP!!! Look at him, he's got nothing in between his legs and he manages.
Francis: If you think I'm beyond punching you, you're totally wrong.
Ida: Of course you'd hit a cripple. You couldn't get a white girl to marry you.

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Ida: [grabbing a cigarette from her purse] Hah. Scare tactics those butchers tell you so you can get weak and they can send you more go-go pills.

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: [Facing Ida] And you. You are old, injured and need his help. All your yelling and viciousness doesn't equal physical strength. You can not bully a can of soup off the shelves. You can not scream it down. You need his help!
Francis: Yeah, you old bat. Where's your gratitude?

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: [to the butterflies] This is fantastic! Look at all you guys! Wow, I've forgotten how many of you there were. Okay, that's a lot of fluttering. That's enough... Get off of me! GET THE HELL OFF OF ME! AAAAAAAH! AH! HELLLLLLP!

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Dewey: Dad, the toilet seat was up and Jamie's tongue is blue again. [Jamie points to a door.] Were you out there all night?
Hal: Now just get me to the bathroom and let's see if we can save Daddy's toes.

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: This is why orphans get all the hot girls.

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[About Lois]
Marika: Is this the fat daughter, or the one who drinks?
Ida: This is the one with the halfwit factory between her legs!

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: [Confronts a deaf Malcolm and Dewey for letting a t.v. set crush him] You think your dad getting killed by a T.V. set is FUNNY! I'll tell what's funny, being grounded for the rest of your lives!
Malcolm: After about an hour, he managed to spit a piece of glass into my lap. You've got to admire that kind of perseverance.
Hal: Your children and your children's children will grow up grounded in this house!

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Mr.Flerch: [Removes his duct tape from his mouth with his struggles.] It was all his idea! I was just his obediant stooge. He dangled assistant vice principal in front of me. [sobs] It came with parking.
Dewey: I wonder who would et the worst penalty, a bunch of emotionally disturbed kids who tie up people for a while. Or the trusted public servant who forced them into slavery. We could ask a judge or eeryone could keep quiet about everything.
Francis: [untying the two janitors] Is that all right with you guys.
[One of the janitors, Jorge whispers in Spanish to the other janitor, refering to Mr. Flerch and the school principal.]
Janitor: That depends. Can we get five minutes alone with these guys before you untie them?

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
People: [chanting] Burning man! Burning man! Burning man!
Reese: No! I won't light it! I won't light it!
[Reese throws the torch. It lands in a bucket of cleaning supplies in the RV and explodes.]
People: [chanting] Burning van! Burning van! Burning van!

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Malcolm and Reese are seen entering the house after Hal and Lois picked them up]
Lois: Hitchiking?! Hitchiking on the highway like HOBOS!

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: Dewey, we are civilized people. We make arbitrary boundaries that we defend to the death.

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: What's the matter with you boys? Don't you realize you could get killed?
Reese: Dad, I can't die.
Hal: What?
Reese: I'm seventeen.
Hal: And so you can't die?
Reese: I just don't see it happening.
Hal: I got news for you, Reese — seventeen-year-olds die all the time.
Reese: Come on, Dad, that's just something they tell you so you'll stay off drugs.

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[After the porch roof collapses on Hal]
Malcolm: Dad, are you okay?
Hal: I can't feel anything below my left knee! Is my foot okay?
Reese: Your foot looks fine... but I think the rest of you is facing the wrong way.

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Reese has paralyzed his lower body in ice water to make a fight even. Stevie shows up with robotic legs.]
Stevie: You're... mine!
Reese: Aah!

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[The house lights go out.]
Lois: [in the shower] Hal!
Hal: I paid the bill! It's the whole neighborhood!

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: You're here!
Malcolm: Kind of.
Hal: You lied to me! You're not drunk at all!
Malcolm: You said that if I called and said I was drunk, I would not get in trouble!
Hal: That only applies if you're actually drunk!

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: It's bad enough Reese is in the same class as me. What's worse is that Herkabe's turned him into his personal whipping-boy!

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Mr. Herkabe is horrified as Mr. Hodges, North High's principal immediately takes action and revokes his GPA standing with the janitor's help for failing gym. Malcolm is seen pleased at his downfall for humiliating Reese and intentionally trying to make him fail.]
Mr. Hodges: It is a dark day for North High, but given recent information that came to our attention regarding the previous GPA record holder and his failure to meet the Physical Education requirement I have no choice. I take no pleasure in the pain this unfortunate incident has caused, but rules are rules.
[Perks up as he returns the award to a blind, clubfooted woman named Edna Thornby.]
Mr. Hodges: So, I am directing that this plaque be returned to Edna Thornby, who though blind and crippled managed to pass gym.

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Mr. Herkabe: [After realising it was Malcolm who told Mr. Hodges, walks away] Oh, shut up. I have to call mother before she hears it from someone else.

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: [In gym class, enjoying his payback on Herkabe] You call that a monkey dance.
[Tosses more dodgeballs at him.]

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Raduka: I will marry you.
Ida: I forbid you to do this!
Raduka: You cannot forbid me! I am American girl now. I have iPod! I wear thong! I shave! [shows a clean-shaven armpit]
Ida: Hide your shame, whore!

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[After Dewey misses his flight, gets his hand shut in a door, and gets sprayed in the eye with hot sauce]
Lois: Well, the redness is going down. I think you can compete just fine.
Dewey: Why don't you just cut the act, mom? You got what you wanted.
Lois: What are you talking about?
Dewey: You don't like watching me be successful because it reminds you you never did anything with your life. And now, instead of taking joy in your kids' accomplishments, you undermine us so we won't show you up! Maybe it's unconscious, maybe you know you're doing it. But that's what's been going on this whole trip!
Lois: So what?

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: Honey... I lost my dad. [starts crying and hugs Lois]
Lois: There, there. [looks over Hal's shoulder and mouths "You are dead" to Malcolm]

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Lois and Hal are preparing to leave, and Lois stops to address the boys]
Lois: Before I forget...
[Lois picks up a vase on a table]
Lois: This is the one thing left in this house that I care about. I don't want to spend the next two days worrying about 'How will they break it,' 'Where will they hide the pieces,' 'How will they lie about it when I come home?' So...
[Lois drops and breaks the vase as the boys look on]
Lois: There. Now I can relax.

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: Okay, so I lied and destroyed a man so I can go to a concert. I'll get him a t-shirt.

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Okay, this is the only universe this could possible exist in. I'm 90 years old. Hal is dead. I have dementia and I need someone to keep me from catching on fire. There's no money for a nurse, the kids won't do it, and I'm asleep for 22 hours a day. Then, and only then, maybe we could be together.
Craig: It's like you're reading straight out of my diary.

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Craig: Sorry we're late. You wouldn't believe the fight we got into over shower curtains.
Reese: Those dolphins were gay.
Craig: You think all dolphins are gay.
Reese: Well, dolphins are gay.
Craig: Dolphns could kill sharks!
Reese: Gay guys could kill sharks, and they're still gay!

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Piama: Lois, I really think he's gonna do it this time! You gotta stop him! [Francis storms in and seizes a poker from the fireplace]
Francis: There you are! I drove by eighty miles of blunt objects just to get to you! I HOPE YOU RUN!
Ida: You better make that first swing count, princess!

TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle