Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
Lois: Fate is what you call it when you don't know the name of the person screwing you over.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Look, Reese. Some people are born book-smart. Others are born crafty and street-smart. You, I'm afraid, are neither.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: What d'you do if he catches you?
Dewey: Roll in a ball.
Malcolm: What if he starts kicking you?
Dewey: Stay in a ball.
Dewey: Roll in a ball.
Malcolm: What if he starts kicking you?
Dewey: Stay in a ball.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: Grandma, I'm not going to hit you! [turns to camera]
Malcolm: No kid should ever have to say that.
Malcolm: No kid should ever have to say that.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Malcolm learned to enjoy life and to stop thinking]
Francis: [on the phone] Malcolm, you gotta help me. Is there a scientific way to prove if ice cream can be used as sunscreen?
Malcolm: What's the flavor?
Francis: I don't know.
Malcolm: Is it chocolate?
Francis: I don't know. Why are you asking? Is it going to be different if it's chocolate?
Malcolm: No. I just like chocolate.
Francis: Uhh, Malcolm, you didn't find that coffee can in the garage by any chance, did you?
Francis: [on the phone] Malcolm, you gotta help me. Is there a scientific way to prove if ice cream can be used as sunscreen?
Malcolm: What's the flavor?
Francis: I don't know.
Malcolm: Is it chocolate?
Francis: I don't know. Why are you asking? Is it going to be different if it's chocolate?
Malcolm: No. I just like chocolate.
Francis: Uhh, Malcolm, you didn't find that coffee can in the garage by any chance, did you?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Reese is holding a spoonful of mashed potatoes, aimed at Lois]
Malcolm: [to the camera] It would take hours to explain the psychology of this event, so I'll just simplify. [points to Lois]
Malcolm: Dynamite. [points to Reese]
Malcolm: Kid with matches.
Malcolm: [to the camera] It would take hours to explain the psychology of this event, so I'll just simplify. [points to Lois]
Malcolm: Dynamite. [points to Reese]
Malcolm: Kid with matches.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis: Malcolm, you could have a concussion.
Malcolm: (to the camera) Concussion? I think he's making too much of this. (to Francis) Francis, there is no way that I'm... (Reese hands him a mirror and Malcolm sees the injury) ... get the car!
Malcolm: (to the camera) Concussion? I think he's making too much of this. (to Francis) Francis, there is no way that I'm... (Reese hands him a mirror and Malcolm sees the injury) ... get the car!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: I can't believe we're going to this wedding. What a waste of time.
Hal: Oh, come on, I promise it'll be fun.
Lois: Hal, I'm not Dewey.
Hal: Oh, come on, I promise it'll be fun.
Lois: Hal, I'm not Dewey.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: You just take your legs for granted like nothing could ever happen. But let me tell you something: that is just wishful thanking. There is meningitis. There are car accidents. I could be giving you a spanking and accidentally snap your spinal cord.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: You want to know the best part about childhood? At some point, it stops.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Caroline: You're not in trouble, Malcolm. You're here because some of your teachers think you're... you know what? I want to play some games with you. Puzzles, stuff like that.
Malcolm: Why?
Caroline: Boy, oh, boy. You are a suspicious little dickens, aren't you?
Malcolm: Why?
Caroline: Boy, oh, boy. You are a suspicious little dickens, aren't you?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: These clippers are dull already. Honestly, Hal, you're like a monkey.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Dewey: Mom said to hold hands.
Malcolm: She did not say to hold hands, Dewey. I'm not holding hands.
Dewey: Come on, hold hands, please.
Malcolm: No! You're in the 1st grade, you're too big for that!
Malcolm: She did not say to hold hands, Dewey. I'm not holding hands.
Dewey: Come on, hold hands, please.
Malcolm: No! You're in the 1st grade, you're too big for that!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Dewey: Mom, I don't take my legs for granted.
Lois: I know honey, you're a good boy... stop playin' with yourself.
Lois: I know honey, you're a good boy... stop playin' with yourself.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Caroline [to Lois]: I'm here because I think there is a tremendous opportunity for Malcolm. Could you maybe put a top on?
Lois: They're just boobs, lady. You see 'em in the mirror every morning, and I'm sure yours are a lot nicer than mine.
Lois: They're just boobs, lady. You see 'em in the mirror every morning, and I'm sure yours are a lot nicer than mine.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Caroline [to Malcolm]: Now, you can look at this picture for 60 seconds and I want you to tell me everything that's wrong with it. Okay? (holds up picture)
Malcolm: The man only has four fingers.
Caroline: Right, but this time I want you to really take your time and look at...
Malcolm: The car's shadow's going the wrong way, the steering wheel's on the wrong side, there's no brake pedal, the words in the mirror should be backwards, the man's watch wouldn't say twelve o'clock if he was looking at a sun set, and I have red paint on my ass. That's right - I have red paint all over my ass.
Malcolm: The man only has four fingers.
Caroline: Right, but this time I want you to really take your time and look at...
Malcolm: The car's shadow's going the wrong way, the steering wheel's on the wrong side, there's no brake pedal, the words in the mirror should be backwards, the man's watch wouldn't say twelve o'clock if he was looking at a sun set, and I have red paint on my ass. That's right - I have red paint all over my ass.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: There's nothing wrong with being smart. There's nothing wrong with being cut from the herd, either. It makes you the one buffalo who isn't there when the Indians run the rest of them off the cliff.
Malcolm: Huh?
Malcolm: Huh?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Stevie [to Malcolm]: Just... chill out.
Malcolm: That's easy for you to say. You've always been a freak. I used to be normal. (to camera) Wait, who just said that? (to Stevie) You're going to take that the wrong way, aren't you?!
Stevie: You... suck!
Malcolm: That's easy for you to say. You've always been a freak. I used to be normal. (to camera) Wait, who just said that? (to Stevie) You're going to take that the wrong way, aren't you?!
Stevie: You... suck!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Just remember, anybody who makes fun of you is a creepy little loser who'll end up working at a carwash.
Malcolm: (to the camera) This shouldn't make me feel better, but it does.
Malcolm: (to the camera) This shouldn't make me feel better, but it does.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: They're sending an unmanned probe to Venus and letting a bunch of school children name it. That's gonna end badly.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Hey, Francis, how's school?
Francis: Oh, couldn't be better, Mom. My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday. So, you know, between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homo-eroticism, I think I'm really starting to turn around.
Francis: Oh, couldn't be better, Mom. My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday. So, you know, between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homo-eroticism, I think I'm really starting to turn around.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: (to the camera) I keep trying to run, but my legs won't work. Mom's right, they are important!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay, I ran out of ham. One of you has to have egg salad. And don't ditch your little brother. I don't want him getting kidnapped.
Reese: (sarcastically) Yeah, Mom, that would be terrible.
Reese: (sarcastically) Yeah, Mom, that would be terrible.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Richard: Hey, Malcolm.
Malcolm: Hey, Richard.
Richard: So, my mom was telling my dad last night about your brother? He said he was in jail?
Malcolm: He's not in jail. He's at Marlin Academy. It's like one of the best private schools in the country. (to the camera) And it's totally unfair. Everyone acts just like Francis, as this big troublemaker, and he's not.
Malcolm: Hey, Richard.
Richard: So, my mom was telling my dad last night about your brother? He said he was in jail?
Malcolm: He's not in jail. He's at Marlin Academy. It's like one of the best private schools in the country. (to the camera) And it's totally unfair. Everyone acts just like Francis, as this big troublemaker, and he's not.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis: (flashback and seen handcuffed by an officer on the front porch) Dad, I know what you're gonna say, and believe me and I totally agree with you. There is no excuse for what I did. It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless and I'm really sorry... (seen sitting on a bed with a girl in the background getting dressed) I'm just hoping against hope that you will give me another chance, which I admit... (seen in front of a car in flames) I don't deserve, but if you can just find it in your heart, I think I can earn your trust back. (the exhaust pipe starts blowing)
Malcolm: (to the camera) It's not like it was even our car.
Malcolm: (to the camera) It's not like it was even our car.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Lois appears holding a charred red dress.]
Lois: Fire? Fire? Fire?
Malcolm: Mom, what?
Lois: This is the most stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing you have ever done! Is this what you want? Will we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records? I want a straight answer! Who did this?
Reese: Malcolm did it!
Malcolm: Reese did it!
Reese: I didn't do it!
Malcolm: I didn't do it!
Dewey We're going to the dentist?
Lois: Fire? Fire? Fire?
Malcolm: Mom, what?
Lois: This is the most stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing you have ever done! Is this what you want? Will we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records? I want a straight answer! Who did this?
Reese: Malcolm did it!
Malcolm: Reese did it!
Reese: I didn't do it!
Malcolm: I didn't do it!
Dewey We're going to the dentist?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: We have a saying in the family. If it's an hour, eat without her. If it's any longer, something's wronger.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle