Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
Lois: Do you think we're wealthy?! Wealthy people drive fancy cars. They have fresh pasta. Do we do any of those things?! NO! Wealthy people can afford any of their vacations ruined, no big deal. They just pick up and go again. Your father and I worked so hard, so long. What IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?! ARE YOU ABORIGINES?! Every time I turn around, I hear someone screaming and fighting. And I pray to God that's someone else's kids, but it's not, it's always you! Sane children would appreciate this. Are you even thinking? No, you're always at each other like a couple of rabid monkeys. It is not enough you two do this every day, but you have to make me suffer. Well, help me....
[Comes to the realization that Reese and Malcolm are up to something.]
Lois: Don't you dare!
[Malcolm pushes Lois down the slide by the finger and she screams.]
Attendant: Arms and legs crossed at all times.
Reese: That's the bravest thing I've ever seen you do.
Malcolm: Yeah.
Reese: You're gonna die.
Malcolm: I know. So, you think Mom's going to be okay?
[Lois pulls the two of them down the slide as well]
[Comes to the realization that Reese and Malcolm are up to something.]
Lois: Don't you dare!
[Malcolm pushes Lois down the slide by the finger and she screams.]
Attendant: Arms and legs crossed at all times.
Reese: That's the bravest thing I've ever seen you do.
Malcolm: Yeah.
Reese: You're gonna die.
Malcolm: I know. So, you think Mom's going to be okay?
[Lois pulls the two of them down the slide as well]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Malcolm, Reese, and Lois fall down the slide. Thye're heard screaming and hitting each other]
Lois: This is the last time I'm taking you boys anywhere!
[the three go out of the slide as they splash in the pool. Hal, sitting in the stands with nachos in his hand, gets soaked. Lois continues hitting Malcolm and Reese in the pool.]
Lois: This is the last time I'm taking you boys anywhere!
[the three go out of the slide as they splash in the pool. Hal, sitting in the stands with nachos in his hand, gets soaked. Lois continues hitting Malcolm and Reese in the pool.]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Dewey: (sobbing) Why can't I go?
Lois: Dewey, we've discussed this. You have to stay home because of your ear infection.
Dewey: I never get to go.
Lois: Honey, I know it seems like a pattern. It's just this... and Disneyland... oh, and that chocolate factory tour. Maybe it's time you stop sticking dirty things in your ears.
Reese: Hey, Dewey. How's the ear?
[licks his finger and puts it in Dewey's ear]
Lois: (slaps Reese) Stop teasing him, Reese! You know, if your father doesn't find a babysitter, nobody is going anywhere and let's see who's crying then!
Lois: Dewey, we've discussed this. You have to stay home because of your ear infection.
Dewey: I never get to go.
Lois: Honey, I know it seems like a pattern. It's just this... and Disneyland... oh, and that chocolate factory tour. Maybe it's time you stop sticking dirty things in your ears.
Reese: Hey, Dewey. How's the ear?
[licks his finger and puts it in Dewey's ear]
Lois: (slaps Reese) Stop teasing him, Reese! You know, if your father doesn't find a babysitter, nobody is going anywhere and let's see who's crying then!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Mrs. White: You're eating my buttons.
Dewey: I wasnt eating. I was saving.
Mrs. White: What are you, a hamster? What were you saving it for?
Dewey: I don't know. I like it.
Dewey: I wasnt eating. I was saving.
Mrs. White: What are you, a hamster? What were you saving it for?
Dewey: I don't know. I like it.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: (on the water slide) Okay, on three. One, two, threeeeeeeeeeeeee... (gets up and gives up)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: Mom, doesn't Malcolm have to wear his nose plug for his sinuses?
Malcolm: (whispers to Reese) Shut up.
Lois: Oh, that's right!
Malcolm: I forgot it!
Lois: Well, you just be very careful, then.
Reese: Don't worry, here it is.
Lois: Oh, thank you, Reese!
Malcolm: (whispers to Reese) Shut up.
Lois: Oh, that's right!
Malcolm: I forgot it!
Lois: Well, you just be very careful, then.
Reese: Don't worry, here it is.
Lois: Oh, thank you, Reese!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois [to Malcolm]: I don't want to hear it! Either take care of this yourself, or I'm gonna lock the two of you in the car for the rest of the day! I mean it!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese [to Malcolm]: Hey there, girly. Let me adjust your bra strap. (grabs Malcolm's nose plug and smacks him) Now, we're even.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm [to Reese]: Don't you understand what you did? You give me out to Mom, and you have declared war, you won't know when or how, but I am going to get revenge.
Reese (laughing): Your voice is funny.
Reese (laughing): Your voice is funny.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
(A man gives Reese CPR while a lifeguard approaches him)
Lifeguard: Sir, let the people who work here do that.
(The man gets off of Reese as he gasps for air)
Malcolm: Now, we're even!
Lifeguard: Sir, let the people who work here do that.
(The man gets off of Reese as he gasps for air)
Malcolm: Now, we're even!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Mrs. White: [After Dewey explained about Reese beating him up for befriending Egg.] Reese is a horrid boy.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Reese is arguing with the driver of an ice cream truck who refuses to sell ice cream in the middle of traffic]
Reese: This is just wrong! You can make money and please children! This is a senseless act! You are evil! Pure evil!
Ice cream truck driver: Heh! If you kids are not willing to discuss this sensibly...
[The driver shuts himself in the truck]
Reese: You son of a...
Malcolm: Look, there's nothing you can do!
Reese: Yes, there is! I can... I can...
[Screaming, Reese runs forward and head-butts the side of the truck, then staggers back in pain]
Jessica: And the Nobel Prize goes to...
Malcolm: Hey, you're talking about my brother! Good one.
Reese: This is just wrong! You can make money and please children! This is a senseless act! You are evil! Pure evil!
Ice cream truck driver: Heh! If you kids are not willing to discuss this sensibly...
[The driver shuts himself in the truck]
Reese: You son of a...
Malcolm: Look, there's nothing you can do!
Reese: Yes, there is! I can... I can...
[Screaming, Reese runs forward and head-butts the side of the truck, then staggers back in pain]
Jessica: And the Nobel Prize goes to...
Malcolm: Hey, you're talking about my brother! Good one.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Francis attempts to eat 100 marshmallow "quacks"]
Cadets: 61! 62! 63!... [horrified] 62... 61... [enthusiastic] 62! 63! 64!
Cadets: 61! 62! 63!... [horrified] 62... 61... [enthusiastic] 62! 63! 64!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: [first line] Ok, here's the thing about my family: we don't go on a lot of outings together. But when we do, there's a little tradition that we always end up observing.
Hal: [talking to the security guard] When you say lifetime ban, I mean who's lifetime that you're talking about.
[Lois drags Malcolm and Reese by the ear while the security guard sends Hal on his way.]
Lois: Don't you ever ask me for anything ever again. I should've just given birth to chimps, then at least I know to expect this kind of behavior.
Malcolm: Believe it or not, I actually envy Dewey. He got to stay home and play with the babysitter.
Hal: [talking to the security guard] When you say lifetime ban, I mean who's lifetime that you're talking about.
[Lois drags Malcolm and Reese by the ear while the security guard sends Hal on his way.]
Lois: Don't you ever ask me for anything ever again. I should've just given birth to chimps, then at least I know to expect this kind of behavior.
Malcolm: Believe it or not, I actually envy Dewey. He got to stay home and play with the babysitter.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Dewey: What time is it?
Lady: It's still 4: 00. You have to wait at least a minute for the time to change, dear.
Dewey: What time is it in China?
Lady: Well, sweetie, I think they're a good 20 hou...
Dewey: Do you speak Chinese?
Lady: Well, no...I bet...
Dewey: Is Chinatown in China?
Lady: Honey...if you want an answer to a question, you have to first wait...
Dewey: (plays with his feet) What does this toe do?
Lady: You know what, I think I need a pack of cigarettes...for the first time in 20 years.
Lady: It's still 4: 00. You have to wait at least a minute for the time to change, dear.
Dewey: What time is it in China?
Lady: Well, sweetie, I think they're a good 20 hou...
Dewey: Do you speak Chinese?
Lady: Well, no...I bet...
Dewey: Is Chinatown in China?
Lady: Honey...if you want an answer to a question, you have to first wait...
Dewey: (plays with his feet) What does this toe do?
Lady: You know what, I think I need a pack of cigarettes...for the first time in 20 years.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Dewey [singing]: A-B-C-D. A-B-C-D. A-B-C-D.
Lady: Honey, it's A-B-C-D E.
Dewey: I know. [singing again] A-B-C-D. A-B-C-D.
Lady: Honey, it's A-B-C-D E.
Dewey: I know. [singing again] A-B-C-D. A-B-C-D.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Who's damn dog is this!!! I SAID, WHO'S DAMN DOG IS THIS!!! (tries to open the truck door but is locked) Trapped inside, and all the window's rolled and it's 90 DEGREES OUT HERE!!! (no one responds) Okay! Okay! It's nobody's damn dog. So, I guess nobody's gonna mind... (picks up a rock) ... if I just do this. (smashes the window and peeks in and talks to dog) Oh, don't be scared, little doggy. Oh, everything is gonna be... (dog snarls and goes after Lois; Lois' face turns to fear as she takes off)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: OK, let me get this straight -- we've been waiting all afternoon for a crane, and now, the crane is here!
Construction Worker: That's right.
Lois: And the man who works the crane? He's here, too!
Construction Worker: That's right.
Lois: THEN WHY IS NOTHING HAPPENING?!
Construction Worker: That's right.
Lois: And the man who works the crane? He's here, too!
Construction Worker: That's right.
Lois: THEN WHY IS NOTHING HAPPENING?!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: What's the point of being out here?
Reese: So you can find stuff like this. (picks up a dirty sock) Hehe, smells like gasoline.
Reese: So you can find stuff like this. (picks up a dirty sock) Hehe, smells like gasoline.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: Oh, flashing the brights. It's gonna be like that, huh? (slams on the brakes while the car behind him honks)
Lois: Good Lord, Hal! He could have a gun!
Lois: Good Lord, Hal! He could have a gun!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: All right, silver Toyota, you win this round. (lets the Toyota pass him by) Haha, get there two seconds sooner!! It's just an accident waiting to happen.
(The car wrecks into a truck and everyone screams, Hal slams on his breaks)
(The car wrecks into a truck and everyone screams, Hal slams on his breaks)
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Ice Cream Man [to Reese]: That will teach you to mess with me. I was a surgeon in my country.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Dewey. Where's the baby-sitter?
Dewey: She's ran away.
Lois: You got rid of another baby-sitter? I can't believe you boys.
Dewey: She's ran away.
Lois: You got rid of another baby-sitter? I can't believe you boys.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: [being administered a DUI test by a highway officer] Z. Y. X. W...
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis: Ok let me tell you something. If I say I could eat a 100 Quacks, you could take that as a bonafide guarantee. And there's no need to resort to personal attacks, I would hate to raise the issue of you wearing BOXERS in the SHOWER!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Malcolm and Reese take turns eating expired food from the refrigerator]
Malcolm: When was the last Christmas we had eggnog?
Reese: I think before Dewey.
[The carton hisses ominously as it is opened]
Malcolm: It's all you, man.
[Reese chugs the eggnog and begins gagging loudly]
Malcolm: [aside] This is a game that has no winners.
Malcolm: When was the last Christmas we had eggnog?
Reese: I think before Dewey.
[The carton hisses ominously as it is opened]
Malcolm: It's all you, man.
[Reese chugs the eggnog and begins gagging loudly]
Malcolm: [aside] This is a game that has no winners.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle