Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
Hal: All right, men. Well, I hope you all learned something today, huh?
Malcolm (to the camera): I learned my dad is capable to doing something cool. I'm not saying violence is cool, but that was cool! I always wondered where we got it from.
Malcolm (to the camera): I learned my dad is capable to doing something cool. I'm not saying violence is cool, but that was cool! I always wondered where we got it from.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Malcolm and Reese are watching cartoons; Dewey gets in front of the TV]
Reese: What are you looking at, monkey boy?
Dewey: (hits himself) Ow! Ow! Ow! Reese!
Reese: What are you doing?
Dewey: (continues hitting himself) Ow! Help! Ow! Mom, help!
Reese: Cut it out!
Dewey: Ow! Ow! It hurts! Ow!
Reese: KNOCK IT OFF, YOU LITTLE...
Lois: (from the other room) REESE!! (approaches them) What the heck are you doing? Honest to God, you can't leave him alone for 5 MINUTES WITHOUT PICKING ON HIM!!!
Reese: I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!
Lois: NO!
Reese: HE WAS LYING!!
(Dewey takes Reese's spot while the camera goes to Malcolm)
Malcolm: (to the camera) I gave him that.
Reese: What are you looking at, monkey boy?
Dewey: (hits himself) Ow! Ow! Ow! Reese!
Reese: What are you doing?
Dewey: (continues hitting himself) Ow! Help! Ow! Mom, help!
Reese: Cut it out!
Dewey: Ow! Ow! It hurts! Ow!
Reese: KNOCK IT OFF, YOU LITTLE...
Lois: (from the other room) REESE!! (approaches them) What the heck are you doing? Honest to God, you can't leave him alone for 5 MINUTES WITHOUT PICKING ON HIM!!!
Reese: I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!
Lois: NO!
Reese: HE WAS LYING!!
(Dewey takes Reese's spot while the camera goes to Malcolm)
Malcolm: (to the camera) I gave him that.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: Hookers?
Malcolm: As long as it's getting me out of square dancing, I don't really care.
Malcolm: As long as it's getting me out of square dancing, I don't really care.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: We laugh our asses off.
Lois: Excuse me.
Reese: Butts. We laugh our butts off.
(Hal laughs while Lois gets some liquid soap)
Lois: (puts soap in Reese's mouth) Open. Swish. Spit.
Reese: (spits) This tastes like crap.
Lois: Excuse me.
Reese: Butts. We laugh our butts off.
(Hal laughs while Lois gets some liquid soap)
Lois: (puts soap in Reese's mouth) Open. Swish. Spit.
Reese: (spits) This tastes like crap.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: Do we at least get to see any flaming wrecks?
Hal: Reese, it's not about that. See, it's about strategy and technique. It's about the melding of man and machine. The wrecks are just sort of a bonus.
Hal: Reese, it's not about that. See, it's about strategy and technique. It's about the melding of man and machine. The wrecks are just sort of a bonus.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: This place sucks. It's hot, it stinks, nobody's t-shirts cover their stomachs, and I'm bored out of my mind.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Malcolm, what is all that stuff from your teacher? That woman sends home two or three fliers every day.
Malcolm: She says she wants the parents to be involved as possible with the children.
Lois: At school? It's the only break I get!
Malcolm: She says she wants the parents to be involved as possible with the children.
Lois: At school? It's the only break I get!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Dewey: Reese put a booger in my lunch bag!
Hal: Dewey, what did I tell you about snitching?
Dewey: Only snitch when asked to snitch.
Hal: Dewey, what did I tell you about snitching?
Dewey: Only snitch when asked to snitch.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: Dewey, stay over here. You're going to be lost.
Dewey: No, I'm not.
Malcolm: Yes, you will. You always do. (to Reese) You know, I could use some help.
Reese: I'm watching him. He's right over... (finds Dewey lost)
Malcolm: (to the camera) Man, how does he do that? (to Reese) Totally your fault. He was right in your eye line. You don't pay attention to anything.
Reese: I pay attention. (sees a half-eaten hot dog) Score! (picks it up and eats the rest of it)
Malcolm: What are you doing?
Reese: (mouth full) Too slow!
Dewey: No, I'm not.
Malcolm: Yes, you will. You always do. (to Reese) You know, I could use some help.
Reese: I'm watching him. He's right over... (finds Dewey lost)
Malcolm: (to the camera) Man, how does he do that? (to Reese) Totally your fault. He was right in your eye line. You don't pay attention to anything.
Reese: I pay attention. (sees a half-eaten hot dog) Score! (picks it up and eats the rest of it)
Malcolm: What are you doing?
Reese: (mouth full) Too slow!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: I have an idea.
Malcolm: Reese, no. Whatever is it, don't.
(Officer Carl enters the room)
Officer Carl: Well, I guess you boys had some time to think about what you've done.
Malcolm: Yes, sir.
Officer Carl: Look, kids, I used to be your age and I know how temptative a place like that can be, and you don't seem to be in any major harm, so I decided to let you off... (Reese punches officer and goes running to the door)
Malcolm: You idiot!
Malcolm: Reese, no. Whatever is it, don't.
(Officer Carl enters the room)
Officer Carl: Well, I guess you boys had some time to think about what you've done.
Malcolm: Yes, sir.
Officer Carl: Look, kids, I used to be your age and I know how temptative a place like that can be, and you don't seem to be in any major harm, so I decided to let you off... (Reese punches officer and goes running to the door)
Malcolm: You idiot!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: It actually was pretty bitchin'. I'm totally getting one of these for Christmas.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: They wouldn't make it forbidden unless there was something totally bitchin' on the other side.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis[on the phone]: How did she die?
Dewey: Cats ate her face.
Francis: Dewey, I think you're confused. I'm asking about Aunt Helen.
Dewey: Cats ate her face.
Francis: Look, would you just put Mom or Dad on the phone?
[Dewey puts Hal on.]
Hal: Hello?
Francis: Dad, what happened to Aunt Helen?
Hal: Cats ate her face. Well, Dewey knows more about it than I do.
Dewey: Cats ate her face.
Francis: Dewey, I think you're confused. I'm asking about Aunt Helen.
Dewey: Cats ate her face.
Francis: Look, would you just put Mom or Dad on the phone?
[Dewey puts Hal on.]
Hal: Hello?
Francis: Dad, what happened to Aunt Helen?
Hal: Cats ate her face. Well, Dewey knows more about it than I do.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: Mom, I think we should go to Aunt Helen's funeral. I mean, she was a good woman. It's the least we can do.
Lois: I don't know what you're trying to pull, Reese, but I don't like it.
Reese: Am I the only one that cared about her?
Lois: Yeah, you're the good one. Enjoy your moment in the sun.
Lois: I don't know what you're trying to pull, Reese, but I don't like it.
Reese: Am I the only one that cared about her?
Lois: Yeah, you're the good one. Enjoy your moment in the sun.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: I think is time to move to plan B: lying.
(Scene switches to the kitchen)
Lois: What book report?
Malcolm: I just remembered. I have a big book report due tomorrow, and I haven't even started reading it. (to the camera) Standard technique. You volunteer a small crime to distract them from looking for the big one.
Lois: So what's the report on?
Malcolm: "A Tale of Two Cities."
Lois: Oh, how many words?
Malcolm: 750.
Lois: Was that on your assignment sheet?
Malcolm: No, it's an addendum.
Lois: When did you get that?
Malcolm: Thursday. I didn't bring it home. That's why I forgot to do the assignment. (to the camera) Oh, nice one.
Lois: Well, I suppose that if it's school work.
Malcolm: (to the camera) That's the mislead. Wait for the reverse.
Lois: "A Tale of Two Cities." Who's that by?
Malcolm: Charles Dickens.
Lois: Oh, I thought it was Victor Hugo.
Malcolm: No, it's Dickens.
Lois: Is that the one with Jean Valjean?
Malcolm: That's "Les Miserables."
Lois: No, no. Isn't "A Tale of Two Cities" the one with Jean Valjean, where he says: "It's a far, far, bettering thin I do..." right before he steals the loaf of bread?
Malcolm: No. Sidney Carton says that before they behead him.
Lois: I thought you hadn't read it.
Malcolm: What? No, I said I hadn't written it.
Lois: And when is it due?
Malcolm: Tomorrow, I told you.
Lois: On "Les Miserables?"
Malcolm: Yes. No. "A Tale of Two Cities."
Lois: Which you haven't read yet.
Malcolm: Right.
Lois: But you just said you did.
Malcolm: No. I-I said I didn't
(Scene switches to the kitchen)
Lois: What book report?
Malcolm: I just remembered. I have a big book report due tomorrow, and I haven't even started reading it. (to the camera) Standard technique. You volunteer a small crime to distract them from looking for the big one.
Lois: So what's the report on?
Malcolm: "A Tale of Two Cities."
Lois: Oh, how many words?
Malcolm: 750.
Lois: Was that on your assignment sheet?
Malcolm: No, it's an addendum.
Lois: When did you get that?
Malcolm: Thursday. I didn't bring it home. That's why I forgot to do the assignment. (to the camera) Oh, nice one.
Lois: Well, I suppose that if it's school work.
Malcolm: (to the camera) That's the mislead. Wait for the reverse.
Lois: "A Tale of Two Cities." Who's that by?
Malcolm: Charles Dickens.
Lois: Oh, I thought it was Victor Hugo.
Malcolm: No, it's Dickens.
Lois: Is that the one with Jean Valjean?
Malcolm: That's "Les Miserables."
Lois: No, no. Isn't "A Tale of Two Cities" the one with Jean Valjean, where he says: "It's a far, far, bettering thin I do..." right before he steals the loaf of bread?
Malcolm: No. Sidney Carton says that before they behead him.
Lois: I thought you hadn't read it.
Malcolm: What? No, I said I hadn't written it.
Lois: And when is it due?
Malcolm: Tomorrow, I told you.
Lois: On "Les Miserables?"
Malcolm: Yes. No. "A Tale of Two Cities."
Lois: Which you haven't read yet.
Malcolm: Right.
Lois: But you just said you did.
Malcolm: No. I-I said I didn't
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: (goes up to the record player, turns it off, and yells to Hal) How could you let her see me in my underwear??!!!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Dewey: (pours some juice) Darn it, darn it, darn it. Mom, I spilled.
Lois: So, clean it up!
Lois: So, clean it up!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: I have had it! From now on, no one has to do anything. We could all just do whatever we want. And I want to take a bubble bath!!
Hal: Fine!
[They both walk away]
Malcolm: So, that's a yes on the concert?!
Hal: Fine!
[They both walk away]
Malcolm: So, that's a yes on the concert?!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois [to Malcolm]: Did you call that girl?
Malcolm: Yes, I called her. I called her and told her I couldn't go to the concert, and now she's probably going to invite someone else.
Lois: Well, Malcolm, I'm sorry that my mother's sister, the woman who took care of me every day after school, had to die and incovenience your social life.
Malcolm: Yes, I called her. I called her and told her I couldn't go to the concert, and now she's probably going to invite someone else.
Lois: Well, Malcolm, I'm sorry that my mother's sister, the woman who took care of me every day after school, had to die and incovenience your social life.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: I have to get my speech ready, anyway.
Lois: Honey, you know you don't have to talk at every funeral we go to.
Hal: I wish that were true. You see how people look to me when they ask if somebody has a few words to say?
Lois: They're not looking to you; they're looking at you.
Hal: To, at... what's the difference?
Lois: Honey, you know you don't have to talk at every funeral we go to.
Hal: I wish that were true. You see how people look to me when they ask if somebody has a few words to say?
Lois: They're not looking to you; they're looking at you.
Hal: To, at... what's the difference?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal [to Reese]: Hey, you're taking a backpack to the funeral.
Reese: My back gets cold.
Hal: Fair enough.
Reese: My back gets cold.
Hal: Fair enough.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: Mom, I can't wear Reese's hand-me-downs. Look at this, Jell-o in the pockets, the fly's broken, and it smells like wet dog.
Lois: You should be glad he only wore it the one time.
Lois: You should be glad he only wore it the one time.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: First of all this is all circumstantial.
[Tries to get up but Hal and Lois forces him to sit down again]
Reese: I don't know how that thing got into my backpack. As for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would have done at that funeral because we're not going.
Lois: Who says we're not going?
Reese: You did!
Lois: Well, you can guess again! You are going to march up to that coffin and apologize to that poor dead woman! We all are.
[Tries to get up but Hal and Lois forces him to sit down again]
Reese: I don't know how that thing got into my backpack. As for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would have done at that funeral because we're not going.
Lois: Who says we're not going?
Reese: You did!
Lois: Well, you can guess again! You are going to march up to that coffin and apologize to that poor dead woman! We all are.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Hal is speaking at Aunt Helen's funeral. Malcolm, Dewey, Egg and Lois are impressed]
Lois: (whispering to Francis on a cell phone) Yeah, Francis. Your father's giving a speech and it's actually kind of good.
Man at Funeral: Can I have my phone back?
Lois: (to the man) I'm almost done, sweetie. (back on the phone) Oh, Aunt Helen looks just lovely.
[Reese has his nose on the wall as his punishment for breaking Dewey's present. Then he turns around, thinking Lois is distracted.]
Lois: [yelling at Reese] YOU TURN RIGHT BACK AROUND, MISTER!!!!
[Everyone looks at her as a scared Reese turns around to face the wall.]
Lois: (back on the phone with Francis, whispering again) You'll never guess what Reese did.
Lois: (whispering to Francis on a cell phone) Yeah, Francis. Your father's giving a speech and it's actually kind of good.
Man at Funeral: Can I have my phone back?
Lois: (to the man) I'm almost done, sweetie. (back on the phone) Oh, Aunt Helen looks just lovely.
[Reese has his nose on the wall as his punishment for breaking Dewey's present. Then he turns around, thinking Lois is distracted.]
Lois: [yelling at Reese] YOU TURN RIGHT BACK AROUND, MISTER!!!!
[Everyone looks at her as a scared Reese turns around to face the wall.]
Lois: (back on the phone with Francis, whispering again) You'll never guess what Reese did.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: [After talking to Francis on the phone, he heads outside his room] I did a terrible thing today.
[Lois perks up and the rest of the family turns their attention to him]
Malcolm: I tore this family apart and I'm really sorry for that. But it isn't half as bad as what Reese did.
[Reese looks up and tries to stop Malcolm as he grabs the backpack and takes out the broken Mighty Man toy]
Lois: [grabbing the broken toy] Oh my god. Was this Dewey's present?
Dewey: Present?
Lois: Reese, how could you? Do you know how expensive this was? Hal?
Hal: [Gets up and grabs Reese's hockey stick] I'm on it. It was a terrible thing to do to your little brother.
Malcolm: There's more, he was going to bury it with Aunt Helen.
Hal: You were going to make Aunt Helen spend eternity with a crushed Mighty Man.
Dewey: Mighty Man?
Lois: I can't believe you.
Hal: This is a whole new low, Reese.
[Lois perks up and the rest of the family turns their attention to him]
Malcolm: I tore this family apart and I'm really sorry for that. But it isn't half as bad as what Reese did.
[Reese looks up and tries to stop Malcolm as he grabs the backpack and takes out the broken Mighty Man toy]
Lois: [grabbing the broken toy] Oh my god. Was this Dewey's present?
Dewey: Present?
Lois: Reese, how could you? Do you know how expensive this was? Hal?
Hal: [Gets up and grabs Reese's hockey stick] I'm on it. It was a terrible thing to do to your little brother.
Malcolm: There's more, he was going to bury it with Aunt Helen.
Hal: You were going to make Aunt Helen spend eternity with a crushed Mighty Man.
Dewey: Mighty Man?
Lois: I can't believe you.
Hal: This is a whole new low, Reese.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Reese kicks a trash can to the ground.]
Malcolm: What is your problem?
Reese: You just couldn't keep your big mouth shut until after the funeral. Now, I'm gonna have to wait until another relative dies to bury this thing. It could be weeks.
Malcolm: What is your problem?
Reese: You just couldn't keep your big mouth shut until after the funeral. Now, I'm gonna have to wait until another relative dies to bury this thing. It could be weeks.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: [Talking to Francis on the phone] Then she slipped into the trash and ran off. I swear this whole family is flling apart.
Francis: [elated] Yes. I knew this moment would come. They don't have their scapegoat around, so everything goes to hell. No one realises that I'm the one who held this family together. Without me to blame everything on, they don't know what to do with themselves.
Malcolm: A scapegoat, thanks. [hangs up and faces the audience] He's right, this family needs a scapegoat. I started this, so I should be the one to end it.
Francis: [elated] Yes. I knew this moment would come. They don't have their scapegoat around, so everything goes to hell. No one realises that I'm the one who held this family together. Without me to blame everything on, they don't know what to do with themselves.
Malcolm: A scapegoat, thanks. [hangs up and faces the audience] He's right, this family needs a scapegoat. I started this, so I should be the one to end it.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: [last line] Well it has been a very productive day. I made Julie Houlerman hate me, Reese is gonna kill me when we get home and right now Aunt Helen is personally badmouthing me to God.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle