Everybody Hates Chris Quotes

Jennifer: You're overbearing and clingy, and if you keep it up, you're gonna be a single father, too!
Narrator: 20 years later, that's what Greg's mail-order bride said.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: It seemed like everyone had advice for raising a baby.
Kill Moves: You need to teach this boy how to protect himself. Now, I suggest the Brazilian two-finger neck snap! Want me to show you how it works?
Mr. Omar: Teach the baby to honor the mother and the father, and if the father should meet a tragic death, the baby shouldn't be upset if the mother makes friends with a nice man.
Woman: [off-screen] Omar, I need more bubbles!
Mr. Omar: Gotta go.
Risky: Teach this baby the difference between the knock-offs and the real thing. For instance, "Gucci" does not have an "H" in it.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Drew: I was watching that!
Julius: I've seen it. Rosebud's his sled.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Jerome: [about Chris' egg] I'm only good at acting like it's not my baby.
Narrator: That year he won the Oscar for Best Non-Supporting Father.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
[Ms. Morello gives Chris a brown egg to care for]
Ms. Morello: They're all the same on the inside.
Narrator: Except my egg's gonna get pulled over by the police more.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: My father was evacuating to avoid Hurricane Rochelle.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: The only thing I could do: Join the few, the proud, the hall monitors.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Later, I was thinking about Greg, and I wondered how my heroes would handle bein' a hall monitor. I thought about how Mr. T would handle it.
Chris: [as Mr. T] I pity the fool who ain't got no hall pass.
Narrator: I thought about how Dirty Harry would handle it.
Chris: [as Dirty Harry] Well, I know what you're thinking. Was that the first bell or the second bell? Well, you have to ask yourself one question: Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?
Narrator: I even thought about how the Terminator would handle it.
Chris: [as the Terminator] No citation? I'll be black.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Ms. Morello: To the rest of the students, well, they hate you.
Chris: They've always hated me.
Ms. Morello: True, but they used to hate you because you were black. Now they hate you because you're acting like a jerk.
Narrator: And because I'm black.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: When my mom worked, she had two jobs: her job and complaining about her job.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Back at home, Drew was trying to watch hockey and wishing Tonya would just shut the puck up.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Every time my mother got a new job, there was always someone she hated. At the hospital, it was Tammy.
[Rochelle comes home dressed as a nurse]
Rochelle: So Tammy says to set the defibrillator to 200. I know how to set the defibrillator. I'm gonna defibrillate her!
Narrator: At the fire station, it was Betty.
[Rochelle comes home dressed as a firefighter]
Rochelle: That damn Betty set the water pressure at a hundred pounds per square inch, when she know I told her to set it at 130 pounds per square inch! I shoulda turned the hose on her!
Narrator: And at NASA, it was Belinda.
[Rochelle comes home dressed as an astronaut]
Rochelle: Can you believe that heifer? I told her to set the aft booster at 25,000 feet per second, and she looked at me like I'm crazy. Now, if we woulda got stuck in the ionosphere, she woulda been like, "Oh, well, what we gonna do now?" [to her family] More Tang?
Narrator: And at the office, it was Charmaine.
Rochelle: And then when I got back from lunch, she done move my stapler. Talking about, "That's not where it goes." I told her I put it there, so that's where it goes.
Narrator: [My dad] didn't hear a word she said.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: My dad was willing to brave the elements to save his son, but to save money, he'd bought the cheapest tires known to man. He was the only black out in a whiteout.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: Momma, do I have to go to school? I mean, it's snowin' like crazy.
Rochelle: It's snow, Chris, not Armageddon. Now hurry up. You know the buses are gonna be runnin' slow.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: After spending a whole day with Principal Edwards, I no longer felt like an outsider. I had a new friend.
Principal Edwards: [puts a tardy slip on Chris] You're late.
Chris: What? A tardy slip? But what about yesterday?
Principal Edwards: That was in the past. We're in the now, Chris, and now you're late.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: I haven't seen a sea of white like this since the Republican National Convention.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Principal Edwards: As long as you're you, there'll always be a Caruso.
Narrator: I thought about living in Japan.
Caruso: Arigato, Slappy.
Narrator: In London...
Caruso: Cheerio, Nipsy.
Narrator: Morocco...
Caruso: Asalamalakem, Flip.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Mr. Newton: It's algebra, the math of the unknown.
Chris: Then I must be doing great, 'cause I don't know it.
Narrator: Algebra wasn't the only thing I didn't know, and everything I didn't know, he was determined to teach me. He taught me language.
Mr. Newton: Veni, vidi, vici. I came, I saw, I conquered.
Chris: Eenie, meenie, miney, mo, catch a tiger by the toe.
Narrator: He taught me history.
Mr. Newton: The Vitruvian Man.
Chris: The Hangman. Pick a letter.
Narrator: He taught me science.
Mr. Newton: Your turn.
Chris: Got anything bigger?
Narrator: Please don't kill me in the name of science, ribbit!

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Mr. Newton: Starting tomorrow, we're going to put some brains inside that head of yours.
Narrator: And I'm gonna put a brick upside that head of yours!

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: With Ms. Morello gone, we had every kind of substitute imaginable. We had out-of-work actors.
Male Substitute Teacher #1: To be or not to be? That is the question.
Narrator: We had out-of-work dancers.
Female Substitute Teacher: Can one of you kids get that bucket of water and throw it on me?
Narrator: And sometimes we had out-of-work teachers.
Male Substitute Teacher #2: Enjoy this while you still can, 'cause believe me, it's all downhill from here.
Narrator: We'd had just about every type of sub we could think of, except one: a black sub.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Greg: [about Ms. Morello] She went on a trip to Africa to help fight off an outbreak of yellow fever.
Narrator: It was more like she went to Harlem to fight off an outbreak of jungle fever.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: Are you serious?
Mr. Newton: As a catastrophic cardiac infarction.
Narrator: Quit showin' off, just say "heart attack!"

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Caruso: [to Chris] Hey Ebony. [to Greg] Ivory.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Mr. Newton: Good morning. I'm Mr. Newton.
Caruso: More like Mr. Tibbs.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
[Mr. Newton is dressed as a drill sergeant and squirting Chris, who's carrying a book in each hand, with a hose]
Mr. Newton: It's a B minus, all right?
Chris: No, sir!
Mr. Newton: Do you wanna learn?
Chris: Yes, sir!
Mr. Newton: Do you wanna quit?
Chris: No, sir!
Mr. Newton: Do you wanna go to another school?
Chris: No, sir!
Mr. Newton: Why?
Chris: 'Cause I have no other place to go!
Mr. Newton: Then you better answer my question: What's A squared plus B squared?
Chris: C squared!
Mr. Newton: I can't hear you!
Chris: C squared! It's C squared!
Mr. Newton: That's right! That's what I'm talkin' about!
Narrator: That was the worst wet T-shirt contest ever.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Nothing made Drew unwind better than watching hockey, and nothing could wind him up faster than Tonya.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Tonya got more people in trouble than a white girl at an NBA after-party.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Mr. Newton: [to Caruso] You don't see me making fun of you because you look like a Brooklyn Beach Barney Rubble.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: I'm raisin' men in this house, and men do not hit women.
Narrator: That meant you couldn't hit a girl even if you were supposed to hit her.
[Drew is in a boxing match with a female boxer; he tries to punch her]
Rochelle: You better not hit that girl!
[the female boxer punches Drew, knocking him out]

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Mr. Newton: This exam is critically important, so I advise all of you to study hard. Especially you, Chris.
Chris: Man, I can't believe this. The guy's gonna kill me. It's not like I didn't have it bad enough comin' to this school from the other side of town, havin' the kids kick the crap outta me, but now the teacher's gonna kick the crap outta me too.
Caruso: Quit complaining, Kareem. I love this guy. I didn't like him at first because of the whole black thing, but I'm doing better at math now. And the things he taught me about jazz, forget about it.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris