Everybody Hates Chris Quotes

Mr. Newton: You! You did this to me!
Chris: I didn't know you were gonna get shot.
Mr. Newton: You sent me to this hellhole! This is your fault! Oh, you just gonna stand there?! I know where you live! I tried to teach you! I tried to help... get your hands off of... I know who your people is! Tried to help you!

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: You shouldn't be embarrassed that your boy only has a fifth-grade reading level. You should be embarrassed that he's 27! He should be reading "War and Peace," not "Horton Hears a Who!"

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Only problem with my mother helping at a book fair was she didn't read books and she wasn't fair.
Rochelle: [to a young girl reading "Hollywood Wives" by Jackie Collins] Girl, does your mother know you over here readin' grown-up books? [takes the book from the girl] Gimme that. [picks up a copy of "Flowers in the Attic" by V.C. Andrews] "Flowers in the Attic." Now that sounds nice. [gives the book to the girl] Read that. You done lost your Jackie Collins mind. And don't cut your eyes at me, either.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: Who you gonna call?

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: That was a bigger fire hazard than pyrotechnics at a Great White concert.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
James: It was the beast of times. It was the roast of times.
Rochelle: I mean, my God, boy, did you eat a bowl of lead paint for breakfast? Go on and sit down and let one of these other illiterates take a crack at it.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Because I was planning on cutting school, I was acting guiltier than Michael Richards at an NAACP convention.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: Greg, we're going to the movies, not Gilligan's Island.
Narrator: If we did, Greg would've gotten with Mrs. Howell.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: My biggest worry at this time was that the cops would think I was chasin' Greg.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: While we were cutting class, Greg was sweatin' like Lil' Kim in Sunday school.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
[Chris tells the ticket salesman it is a black holiday at his school, and thus they are not at school]
Ticket Seller: What are you doing here?
Greg: I'm an octoroon.
Narrator: In that case, only one-eighth of him should be off from school.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: [to a bunch of girls who are wearing hoop earrings] What are y'all laughin' at with your hoop earrings on? Let's see if your mother's gigglin' when you bringin' home babies. Who's laughin' now, huh? It ain't funny no more, is it?

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
DMV Clerk: I guess you're just gonna have to wait. And don't bang on this door again.
Narrator: She's lucky he didn't bang on her head!

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: A new license costs $17.50, and I'm not givin' them people my money till I have to.
Narrator: My father waited until the last possible moment to pay for everything... and I mean everything.
White Meter Maid: Your meter's only got a minute left.
Julius: When dat quarter runs out, I'll put in dis one.
Rochelle: Baby, you almost outta gas.
Julius: When dat gas runs out, I'll put in some new gas.
[Rochelle is giving birth]
White Doctor: Push! Push!
Rochelle: Julius, would you just pay the man, please?!
White Doctor: Push!
Julius: When the baby's all the way out, I'll give him all the money.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: Boy, don't you know you are too big for a coloring book? White kids your age are buildin' sculptures by now and you over there tryin' to stay inside the lines. Come on, Picasso, get to chippin'. Come on, chip on. Chip, chip, chip. Chip, chip, chip.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: In 2001, crime was on the rise everywhere, and when I say everywhere, I mean everywhere.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: You been hidin' a credit card, what else are you hidin'? Is Julius really your name? Oh, maybe you're the Green River Killer? Do you know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried? Who shot Kennedy? For all I know, you could be Batman!
Julius: I am not Batman.
[Julius is then seen dressed as Batman]
Julius: I'm Batman.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: I was so good at sneakin' around, I thought about joinin' the CIA. [Malvo appears] Or maybe the DOA.
Malvo: I got a question for you, boy. What is today?
Chris: Uh, Wednesday?
Malvo: Nah! Today is two days after the day before yesterday.
Narrator: Malvo was an idiot savant—98% idiot, 2% savant.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: If I could've, I would've taken the underground railroad.
Female Slave: Is you runnin' to the north?
Chris: No, I'm runnin' from Malvo.
Female Slave: Malvo? You'd have been better off a slave! Get on now, and remember, you ain't seen nothin'!

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: [about his credit card] Rochelle, I couldn't tell you about it.
Rochelle: Why not? Do you know how many times we could've used it?
Julius: That's why I couldn't tell you about it. I didn't want another bill, baby.
Rochelle: Oh. OK, Mr. "Responsibility," Mr. Fiscally Conservative, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. HIDE THINGS FROM HIS WIFE, answer this for me: Since you're so against credit cards, why do you have one?

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Everybody had a gold chain, and somebody was waiting to snatch it. Nobody was safe: not young people, not old people, not even dead people.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: For the first time in 15 years, my father got my mother to shut up.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Vanessa: Turns out he had a whole other family.
Narrator: That's all my mother needed to hear.
[Julius is at the dinner table with a Puerto Rican family and everyone is speaking Spanish]
Julius: Hey baby.
Puerto Rican Woman: Hey baby.
Puerto Rican Boy #1: Hello Father.
Puerto Rican Woman: How was work today?
Julius: Good.
Puerto Rican Boy #2: May I be excused?
Julius: No. You'd better eat that. That's 46 cents' worth of beans and rice.
Puerto Rican Woman: Don't worry baby, I'll put it on the credit card.
Julius: Oh. That's good, that's good.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: Your credit card. Be a man about it, Julius! It's got your name on it! Oh, and you know what else it says, Julius? It says "card holder since 1970." That means that for 15 years, you've been hidin' this from me!

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Malvo: You owe Malvo a gold chain.
Narrator: Good thing I didn't stop him from stealing a gold house.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: When surreptition didn't work, my mother tried confrontation.
Rochelle: [to Julius] Hello. You must think I'm stupid. Oh yeah, Rochelle... is just... an IDIOT!

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Black-on-black crime is nothing compared to Italian-on-Italian crime.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
[Julius comes to help Chris, who is confronted by Malvo]
Malvo: So I'm supposed to be afraid because you brought your daddy out here?
Julius: No, you s'posed to be scared because if you ever put yo hands on my son again, you ain't goin' to jail. [Holds up metal baseball bat]I'm goin' to jail.
Malvo: [Eyeing bat] Whatchoo gonna do?
Julius: You find out what I'm gonna do. You think I'm playin'? When you in the shower, I'm gonna be there.
[Cuts to Malvo exiting the shower, turning and noticing Julius standing there with the bat]
Julius: You think I'm playin'?
[Cuts to Malvo, Chris and Julius]
Julius: When you watchin' TV, I'll be there.
[Cuts to Malvo watching TV. On the TV, Julius, driving a truck, holds up the bat]
Julius: You think I'm playin'?
[Cuts to Julius, Chris and Malvo]
Julius: Even in yo dreams, I'm gonna be there.
[Cuts to Malvo in a courthouse]
Judge: Mr. Malvo, you're free to go. [Malvo dances in joy] Case dismissed. [Bangs gavel]
Malvo: [Turns and points to someone off screen] Yeah, what'd I tell you dude?! [Turns and sees Julius holding the bat] Hey!
Julius: You think I'm playin'?

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Woman #1: My boy is a football player. He just got a scholarship to Rutgers!
Woman #2: My daughter is a doctor. She just finished her first open-heart surgery.
Rochelle: And my son is a magician, and he just made Bed-Stuy disappear! [outside, a barren desert is shown]
Pam: You better tell him to bring it back, 'cause I'm closin' at 9.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: I don't want you foolin' around with no black magic. You hear me? I don't wanna come home and see no pentagrams and dead goats and chickens and stuff like that. Only good, clean, white magic. You hear me?
Narrator: Why not compromise and do Puerto Rican magic?

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris