Torchwood Quotes

Captain Jack Harkness: [to the delivery man Carys has been about to shag] Put your trousers on and get out. NOW! [the delivery man goes]
Captain Jack Harkness: It almost breaks my heart to say those words.

TV Show: Torchwood
Captain Jack Harkness: Too bad you weren't here a hour ago; we could have used you for naked hide and seek.
Ianto Jones: [smirks] He cheats, he always cheats.

TV Show: Torchwood
Gwen Cooper: Do you think I've changed?
Rhys Williams: Eh?
Gwen Cooper: Since I joined Torchwood, am I different?
Rhys Williams: Why?
Gwen Cooper: It's just something Andy said. Okay, let me just tell you this one thing, okay?
Rhys Williams: Okay, go on.
Gwen Cooper: He still fancies me. [Rhys snickers]
Gwen Cooper: Don't laugh, Rhys. That's why he didn't come to the wedding.
Rhys Williams: Bloody hell, poor sod.
Gwen Cooper: Oi! I'm a very sexy lady and you are a very lucky man. Just remember that, okay? [unzips her jacket]
Rhys Williams: We're not going to talk about kids tonight, are we?
Gwen Cooper: We could so some practising.

TV Show: Torchwood
Owen Harper: If it punches me again, I'm punching it right back!

TV Show: Torchwood
Swanson: Torchwood walks all over this city like you own it. Now these people are paying the price. Ordinary people, ripped apart, with your name written in their own blood. From where I'm standing, you did this, Captain Jack Harkness. You did it.

TV Show: Torchwood
Toshiko Sato: I think my desk is on fire! [Gwen and Owen pay no attention whatsoever]

TV Show: Torchwood
Owen: [re: the life knife] Ianto?
Ianto: [deadpan] Life knife.

TV Show: Torchwood
Owen: Give Ianto a stopwatch, and he's happy.
Ianto: It's the button on the top.

TV Show: Torchwood
Jack: [stunning Max] That one's for Ianto. Risen Mitten, Life Knife, and that old classic...Stun Gun.

TV Show: Torchwood
Ianto: I've got reception sir.
Jack: How you'd do that? We're sealed off.
Ianto: Just used the water tower as a relay.
Jack: [takes phone] Nice work Ianto. But who the hell do we phone?

TV Show: Torchwood
Jack: This kid, Bernie. Where does he live?
Tosh: Splott.
Owen: Splott?!
Ianto: I believe estate agents pronounce it "Sploe".

TV Show: Torchwood
Bernie: [To Owen after a chase] Don't hurt me, I've got asthma!
Owen: I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm gonna bloody kill you!

TV Show: Torchwood
Jack: There you go! I can taste it! Oestrogen. Definitely oestrogen. Take the pill, flush it away, it enters the water cycle. Feminizes the fish. Goes all the way up into the sky then falls all the way back down onto me. Contraceptives in the rain. Love this planet. Still, at least I won't get pregnant. Never doing that again.

TV Show: Torchwood
Gwen: But those people, last night - the people in the car, who are they? What's Torchwood?
PC Andy: I dunno. Special Ops?
Gwen: Yeah, but what does that mean?
PC Andy: I'll bet you ten quid they're DNA specialists. It's all DNA these days. Like that CSI bollocks. CSI Cardiff, I'd like to see that. They'd be measuring the velocity of a meat kebab!

TV Show: Torchwood
Jack: Before we go any further, who the hell orders pizza under the name of "Torchwood"?
Owen: Er, yeah, that would be me. Sorry, I’m a twat.

TV Show: Torchwood
Jack: This is Owen Harper.
Owen: Doctor Owen Harper.

TV Show: Torchwood
Jack: And this is Ianto Jones [Ianto nods] Ianto cleans up after us, gets us everywhere on time.
Ianto : I try my best.
Jack: And he looks good in a suit.
Ianto: Careful, that's harassment, sir.

TV Show: Torchwood
Gwen: But hold on, if no one can see it when the lift's coming up, there's a great big bloody hole in the floor. Don't people fall in?
Jack: That is so Welsh.
Gwen: What is?
Jack: I show you something fantastic; you find fault.

TV Show: Torchwood
Jack: All right, usual formation.
Gwen: What's the usual formation?
Owen: Varies.
Gwen: How can the usual formation vary?

TV Show: Torchwood
Gwen: ...Special Ops! I'm Special Ops...I'm with Torchwood.
Soldier: Don't mess with me, little girl. You're not with Torchwood. And even if you were-
Jack: -You'd have put out the welcome banners. Now, first of all, she's no little girl. From where I'm standing, all the right curves in all the right places...but she is Torchwood, we both are, and we'd appreciate it if you'd leave us to do the real work. [holds hand out to Gwen] Shall we?

TV Show: Torchwood
Owen: Make yourself useful, sweetheart; pass us the big chisel from the toolbox.
Gwen: Not sweetheart, Gwen. One syllable, sure you can manage it.
Owen: Not sweetcheeks? Freckles? New girl?
Gwen: [getting out chisel] It's a shame your tool's not big enough for the job, darlin'. Catch!

TV Show: Torchwood
[at a scene where a man, Matt, has just been vaporised after having sex with the alien-possessed Carys]
Gwen: He just...
Jack: [deadpan]Came and went.
Owen: Now that's how I'd like to go.
Tosh: I'm sure we could arrange it.

TV Show: Torchwood
[Gwen and Carys are kissing passionately in Carys' cell, while Owen watches.]
Owen: Happy birthday me. Oi, you lot, treat!
[Jack and Tosh come over to see]
Tosh: Wow.
Jack: Wow.
Tosh: I thought she said she had a boyfriend.
Jack: You people and your quaint little categories.
Tosh: We should really get her out of there...
Jack: Yeah... [pauses] I mean, yeah, come on!
[Jack leaves to the cells with Tosh]
Owen: I'll just... record a bit of this.

TV Show: Torchwood
Gwen: So what's this supposed to do?
Jack: I'm using satellite tracking data to determine the intra-trajectory of the meteorite.
Tosh: He means he's trying to find out where it's come from.
Jack: Hey! Sometimes a little technobabble is good for the soul!

TV Show: Torchwood
[The team discuss Jack]
Gwen: You don't know anything?
Owen: Not who he is, not where he's from, not anything. Except... him being gay.
Gwen: No he's not. Really, do you think?
Toshiko: Owen does, I don't.
Ianto: And I don't care.
Owen: Period military is not the dress code of a straight man.
Gwen: I think it suits him. Sort of classic.
Toshiko: Exactly! I've watched him in action, he'll shag anything if it's gorgeous enough.
Gwen: We know he's from America, right?
Owen: Don't even know that for sure.
Toshiko: No US citizen by the name of Jack Harkness born in the last fifty years.
Gwen: Maybe his identity's classified.
Ianto: Used to be something big in the CIA, that's what I reckon.
Gwen: He must have his reasons for wanting to keep things secret.
Owen: Sure he has. Doesn't stop me from wanting to know.

TV Show: Torchwood
Gwen: What are we doing, having Chinese while a girl fights for her life? We should be helping her.
Jack: Actually, while we've been eating, the computers have been running a full bio-scan on Carys, profiling her blood, metabolism, organs, the works. So we can see what effect the alien is having on her. They've also been taking samples of the air in the cell, so we can analyse any change in the environment around her. Now, is that enough? Do you want more? 'Cause... gets kind of boring.
Gwen: You've been hidden down here too long. Spending so much time with the alien stuff. You've lost what it means to be human.
Jack: So remind us. Tell me what it means to be human in the twenty-first century.

TV Show: Torchwood
[After finding Owen in the cell naked]
Tosh: Jack, Carys is out of her cell!
Owen: Cheeky bitch took my swipe card.
Jack: I'll deal with it. Tell Owen he needs to work on those abs a bit harder.
Owen: I was taking some readings, you know, keeping an eye on her, and bang!
Tosh: You got away lightly. Be thankful she was only interested your swipe card.
Gwen: Are you alright now, or are you still feeling a bit of a cock?

TV Show: Torchwood
[After finding Carys' ex as nothing more than a pile of dust]
Jack: Tosh was right - she went straight for the ex-boyfriend. Lucky she's young; work your way through my back catalogue, we'll be here till the Sun explodes.

TV Show: Torchwood
Ianto: Need me to do any attacking, sir?

TV Show: Torchwood
Ianto: It's narrowed the numbers down, I could check through the rest. You know, the old fashioned way. With my eyes.

TV Show: Torchwood