Everybody Hates Chris Quotes

Narrator: My father could've spanked Tonya or grounded her until she was grown, but he said something that made her feel worse than all of that.
Julius: I'm really disappointed in you.
[Tonya is dressed as a geisha]
Tonya: Father, I have brought disgrace to myself and to our family. [gets out a belt]
Julius: Tonya, no!
Tonya: Leave me now, Father. I must whup myself until you can find it in your heart to forgive me. [whips herself repeatedly]

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: As class president, I thought things would change for me, but I couldn't have been more wrong.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: Here's how this works, Tonya. You could keep lyin' or you could tell me you took my earrings. You decide.
Tonya: You promise you won't yell?
Rochelle: I won't yell.
Tonya: I took your earrings, and I lost one.
Rochelle: DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO TOUCH MY EARRINGS?!
Tonya: You promised you wouldn't yell!
Narrator: I've been fallin' for that one for years.
Rochelle: Do you know how valuable those earrings were, Tonya? Huh?

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: You're supposed to get a hundred. You don't get a prize for doing well.
Narrator: My father never rewarded good behavior.
Chris: Dad, I cleaned the tub.
Julius: You're supposed to clean the tub. It's your dirt ring.
Tonya: Hey Dad, I fixed the heater.
Julius: You're supposed to fix the heater. You're the one who likes it warm.
Drew: Hey Dad, I slaughtered a pig.
Julius: You're supposed to slaughter a pig. You're the one who likes bacon.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: To get back to Brooklyn, it felt like we went around the entire city. We went through Chinatown, the meatpacking district... we even went through theatre district. The only place we didn't go through was our school district.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Listening to Patti LaBelle could make my mother feel good, no matter what.
[Rochelle is in Mexico being blindfolded]
Rochelle: Come on, Pepito! I told you, man, I didn't do it!
Mexican Man: ¿Cuál es tu última voluntad? (What is your last wish?)
Rochelle: Can you play "New Attitude?"

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: My father and Michael didn't get along because whatever my father said, my uncle said the opposite.
[Julius and Michael are at a car dealership]
Julius: I like the Ford.
Michael: I like the Chevy.
[Julius and Michael are at an art museum]
Julius: I wanna look at Picasso.
Michael: I wanna look at Matisse.
[Julius and Michael are having beer]
Julius: Hmm, tastes great!
Michael: Less filling.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: After talking to Greg, I imagined what my father would say to me.
Julius: So you just gonna quit, huh? All these people who made it possible for you to become the first black class president, and now you just gonna quit?
Tuskegee Airman: Yeah. And what if we quit? Black people would never have become pilots.
Aunt Jemima: If I had quit, pancakes would taste like crap.
Cream of Wheat Man: If I had quit, Cream of Wheat would've been called "Cream of White!"
Uncle Ben: If I had quit, it would take hours to cook rice.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Back at school, it was Crouching Tiger, Hidden Truth.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Back at school, I stopped making promises and started making demands.
Chris: I'd like all book reports to be on books that were made into movies.
Ms. Morello: Are you high? I'm asking, not judging.
Chris: No, I'm just trying to fulfill my campaign promises.
Mrs. Milone: Just for curiosity's sake, what else did you promise?
Chris: A TV in the library, more field trips, instituting recess, and no more detention.
Ms. Morello: Chris, how are you going to know how to act when you get stopped by the police if we don't give you detention?

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: To win my office, I told them everything they wanted to hear. There was only one problem: they listened.
Boy #1: You promised to take us to a Knicks game!
Boy #2: You promised I'd get a new locker!
Janitor: You promised I'd get a raise!
Lunch Lady with Mustache: You promise I get a shave!
Boy #3: You promised we'd get some real meat!

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: Can I at least get French fries at lunch?
Ms. Morello: I always thought you'd be more the sweet potato type.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: Did Martin Luther King, Jr. take a break? Did Moses take a break? Did Gandhi take a break?
Narrator: He took a break from eatin'!

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: My mac 'n cheese looked so good, Gandhi would've snuck himself a plate.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: [speaking in front of the class] To me, Thanksgiving means family and togetherness. Thanksgiving came about when the pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock. The Indians greeted them, provided them shelter, taught them how to grow corn and how to prepare for the winter, and went on to cook one of the greatest meals the pilgrims ever ate. And in their appreciation for showing them how to prosper and survive in this brave new world, the pilgrims killed the Indians and created a holiday in their honor. So, on this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for my family, my friends, but most importantly, I'm thankful that I'm not a Native American.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Kill Moves: Is that burnt mac 'n cheese?
Julius: Yeah. Why?
Kill Moves: It's just the way I like it!
Narrator: He wants that blackaroni, 'cause he's on that crackaroni.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Even before video, Drew learned the secret to being a good singer was to not sing at all.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Drew wouldn't walk under a ladder, no matter what.
Old Woman: Sonny, help me! I've fallen and I can't get up!
Drew: If you want me to help you, you gotta crawl from underneath this ladder first.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: [speaking in front of the class] Was it lucky when King Kong defeated those planes? No, 'cause he didn't defeat the planes. They shot his behind clear off the Empire State Building. Now, if King Kong had spent some time learning how to fight some planes instead of chasing that little white girl around, he would still be alive to this very day.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
[Julius is working as a mall Santa]
Julius: So, what can Santa give you for Christmas?
Little Girl: A Malibu Barbie with the pink remote-controlled Corvette, the Barbie townhouse and the Barbie swimming pool.
Julius: Ooh. Do you know how much all that stuff costs?
Little Girl: No.
Julius: Well, Santa's gonna tell you. It costs $137.16. Do you have that kind of money?
Little Girl: No.
Julius: Well, neither does Santa.
[the little girl starts crying]
Narrator: Welcome to my world, kid.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
[Mr. Omar is consoling a grieving widow]
Mr. Omar: I know you lost your man, Mrs. Roberts, but with a body like that, I know Santa's gonna bring you another.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: You're firing me at Christmastime?
Narrator: That's the only time you can fire Santa.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Black Santa Claus caused more tears than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Doc took the expression, "a token of my appreciation," literally.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: I don't know if he's more concerned because I lost consciousness, or because I lost a half-day's pay.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Tonya: Chris gets sick and now we can't get anything for Christmas.
Drew: Man, we were good for nothin'.
Rochelle: No, you were good because you were supposed to be good. I mean, what if there were no Christmas? Would you be runnin' around here startin' forest fires?

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius' Boss: Julius, we've got a problem.
Narrator: You mean besides the fact that you've got a black Santa workin' at a white department store called Goldstein's?
Julius: What's wrong?
Julius' Boss: You're not presenting the image of Christmas that we want to promote, here at Goldstein's.
Julius: Image? What kinda image?
Julius' Boss: You're Santa Claus. You're not supposed to make the children cry.
Julius: But they need to learn the truth about life!

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: [to an Asian girl who wants an Easy-Bake Oven] Does that come with an easy-to-pay gas bill?

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Greg: Am I going to have to call Child Protective Services on you?
Narrator: At least I didn't dangle my egg over a balcony like Michael Jackson!

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Growing up in Bed-Stuy, the worst thing my mother always said was that we'd better not bring home any babies. In fact, my mother was so paranoid, she didn't like anything in the house that even reminded her of a baby.
Rochelle: Boy, is that a baby?
Drew: No, that's a football.
Rochelle: Is that a baby?
Tonya: No, it's a shoebox.
Rochelle: Is that a baby?
Chris: No, it's baby carrots!
Narrator: I was so scared of bringing home babies, to this day, my mother hasn't seen my kids.

TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris