Everybody Hates Chris Quotes
Greg: I hate cursing. My father used to call my mother number 4 all the time, then she'd call him number 5 and they'd go back and forth like that. 5, 4, 2, 1, 7, then they'd end up on number 3.
Narrator: Greg was an early adapter of "too much information."
Narrator: Greg was an early adapter of "too much information."
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Mrs. Milone: Young man, I want a word with you. In fact, I want seven words with you.
Narrator: Number 1 had hit the fan.
Narrator: Number 1 had hit the fan.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chantal: How come you don't like me?
Drew: I don't know. I just don't.
Chantal: It's got to be something. Do you think I'm ugly?
Drew: No.
Chantal: Do you think I'm dumb?
Drew: No.
Chantal: Then what is it? Just tell me the truth.
Drew: You're too tall.
Narrator: Never stopped Danny DeVito.
Drew: I don't know. I just don't.
Chantal: It's got to be something. Do you think I'm ugly?
Drew: No.
Chantal: Do you think I'm dumb?
Drew: No.
Chantal: Then what is it? Just tell me the truth.
Drew: You're too tall.
Narrator: Never stopped Danny DeVito.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: Chris, what kinda answer is that?
Narrator: The kind you'd come up with was a crazy woman screamin' at you.
Narrator: The kind you'd come up with was a crazy woman screamin' at you.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: What I didn't know was that my parents loved comedians too.
Redd Foxx: [on record player] You knew it in your heart, you haven't washed your hair. So one night, the time was right. He asked her. He said, "Honey, would you marry me?" She said "Wooden eye?"
Narrator: I can't say what he just said, but it was the first dirty joke I had ever heard.
Redd Foxx: [on record player] "Geez, baby, what time do you have to be home?"
Narrator: And it wasn't the last.
Redd Foxx: [on record player] She said, "Christmas..."
Narrator: A lot of kids would get in trouble sneakin' outta bed tryin' to listen to dirty jokes. I ended up gettin' a career.
Redd Foxx: [on record player] You knew it in your heart, you haven't washed your hair. So one night, the time was right. He asked her. He said, "Honey, would you marry me?" She said "Wooden eye?"
Narrator: I can't say what he just said, but it was the first dirty joke I had ever heard.
Redd Foxx: [on record player] "Geez, baby, what time do you have to be home?"
Narrator: And it wasn't the last.
Redd Foxx: [on record player] She said, "Christmas..."
Narrator: A lot of kids would get in trouble sneakin' outta bed tryin' to listen to dirty jokes. I ended up gettin' a career.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Maxine: Looks like somebody's gonna get some pizza.
Narrator: If all studying was rewarded with pizza, then Charles Barkley would have won a Nobel Prize.
Narrator: If all studying was rewarded with pizza, then Charles Barkley would have won a Nobel Prize.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: If you could add and subtract, you could do this!
Narrator: My mom applied that kind of logic to a lot of situations.
[Chris and his family are in a bank vault dressed as bank robbers]
Rochelle: If you can crack an egg, you can crack a safe!
[Rochelle and Drew are in a hospital dressed as surgeons]
Rochelle: Boy, if you can lace up a sneaker, you could stitch up a chest! [to another surgeon] Suture.
[Rochelle and Tonya are on a plane dressed as skydivers]
Rochelle: If you can jump rope, you could jump from the plane! Go! Go!
[Tonya jumps off the plane without her parachute]
Rochelle: Baby, you forgot your parachute!
Narrator: My mom applied that kind of logic to a lot of situations.
[Chris and his family are in a bank vault dressed as bank robbers]
Rochelle: If you can crack an egg, you can crack a safe!
[Rochelle and Drew are in a hospital dressed as surgeons]
Rochelle: Boy, if you can lace up a sneaker, you could stitch up a chest! [to another surgeon] Suture.
[Rochelle and Tonya are on a plane dressed as skydivers]
Rochelle: If you can jump rope, you could jump from the plane! Go! Go!
[Tonya jumps off the plane without her parachute]
Rochelle: Baby, you forgot your parachute!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: What difference does it make?
Rochelle: What difference does it make?
Narrator: Note to self: When dealing with the irrefutable science of numbers, don't ask, "What difference does it make?"
Rochelle: What difference does it make?
Narrator: Note to self: When dealing with the irrefutable science of numbers, don't ask, "What difference does it make?"
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Going behind my mother's back to get help from my grandmother made me feel guiltier than Janet Jackson at a half-time show.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Maxine: Teaching is a skill, no different than flying a plane.
Narrator: Except you don't fall 35,000 feet to your death.
Narrator: Except you don't fall 35,000 feet to your death.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: When I was in school, students usually got recognition for one of two things: being really good...
Mrs. Milone: This year's valedictorian is Stephanie Borelli.
Narrator: And being really bad.
Mrs. Milone: I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your son is an idiot.
Mrs. Milone: This year's valedictorian is Stephanie Borelli.
Narrator: And being really bad.
Mrs. Milone: I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your son is an idiot.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Ms. Morello: All I'm trying to say is, if you don't get algebra, we don't get pizza.
Narrator: And I'm gonna get sliced.
Narrator: And I'm gonna get sliced.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: When the going gets tough, the tough get going, so to Grandma's house I went.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: Are you crazy? X does not equal Y! You carry the 2 over the N! I mean, how hard can it be?!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Caruso: Hey Major Harris, if you mess up our pizza day, I'm gonna smack the crust outta you.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Monk: Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Narrator: I thought that was meatloaf.
Narrator: I thought that was meatloaf.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Someday Al Gore is gonna trace global warming back to that sink.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Mr. Omar: Drainada?
Julius: That's right. The Spanish Drano.
Narrator: Doesn't Drano already sound Spanish?
Julius: That's right. The Spanish Drano.
Narrator: Doesn't Drano already sound Spanish?
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: In order to exact the perfect revenge, I decided I should consult some experts.
Jerome: If I was you, I'd move on to his block and take a dollar from him every day for the rest of his life. Lemme hold a dollar.
Vanessa: You could slash his tires, pour sugar in his gas tank, put bleach on his clothes, give his wife a bad perm.
Kill Moves: Revenge? Success, the best revenge.
Jerome: If I was you, I'd move on to his block and take a dollar from him every day for the rest of his life. Lemme hold a dollar.
Vanessa: You could slash his tires, pour sugar in his gas tank, put bleach on his clothes, give his wife a bad perm.
Kill Moves: Revenge? Success, the best revenge.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: [about Mr. Omar's drain] How long's it been like that?
Narrator: Ever since it got back from vacation in Haiti.
Narrator: Ever since it got back from vacation in Haiti.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: You ever heard of a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink?
Mr. Omar: No.
Julius: OK.
Narrator: It's just hittin' Mr. Omar that maybe he did know a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink.
Mr. Omar: No.
Julius: OK.
Narrator: It's just hittin' Mr. Omar that maybe he did know a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: My father thought he could fix anything with Krazy Glue or duct tape.
Rochelle: What you doin'?
Julius: Fixin' the table. All done.
Rochelle: Julius! Did you fix that flat tire?
Julius: Good as new.
Rochelle: Did you fix that noise yet?
Julius: Quiet as a mouse.
[Chris, Drew and Tonya are seen with duct tape over their mouths]
Rochelle: What you doin'?
Julius: Fixin' the table. All done.
Rochelle: Julius! Did you fix that flat tire?
Julius: Good as new.
Rochelle: Did you fix that noise yet?
Julius: Quiet as a mouse.
[Chris, Drew and Tonya are seen with duct tape over their mouths]
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: How are you gonna follow someone with a fake mustache and a Hawaiian shirt and expect them not to notice you?
Greg: Works for Magnum P.I.
Chris: Number one, Tom Selleck is a 45-year-old man. Two, he wears Hawaiian shirts in Hawaii. There, they're just shirts. It's like Chinese food in China.
Greg: Nothing could be further from the truth. There's Mandarin, Cantonese, Szechuan, my favorite, Hunan, Shanghai...
Greg: Works for Magnum P.I.
Chris: Number one, Tom Selleck is a 45-year-old man. Two, he wears Hawaiian shirts in Hawaii. There, they're just shirts. It's like Chinese food in China.
Greg: Nothing could be further from the truth. There's Mandarin, Cantonese, Szechuan, my favorite, Hunan, Shanghai...
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: [Caruso]'s a cat-lover?
Narrator: It was like finding out that Saddam Hussein collected Cabbage Patch Kids.
Narrator: It was like finding out that Saddam Hussein collected Cabbage Patch Kids.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Mr. Omar: I don't think duct tape is gonna fix that, Mr. Julius. Why don't you just call a plumber?
Julius: For $25 an hour? I don't think so.
Julius: For $25 an hour? I don't think so.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: The hardest thing about planning revenge is figuring out how far to go.
Greg: How's Operation Get Revenge On Caruso going?
Chris: Not bad, but I'm changing the operation name to He Can Hear You, Stupid.
Greg: What's that?
Chris: It's my revenge list. I'm trying to figure out the best way to do it.
Greg: You could toilet-paper his house.
Chris: Too dangerous.
Greg: You could egg him on the way home.
Chris: Too obvious.
Greg: Put Ex-Lax in his hot chocolate.
Chris: Too typical.
Greg: How's Operation Get Revenge On Caruso going?
Chris: Not bad, but I'm changing the operation name to He Can Hear You, Stupid.
Greg: What's that?
Chris: It's my revenge list. I'm trying to figure out the best way to do it.
Greg: You could toilet-paper his house.
Chris: Too dangerous.
Greg: You could egg him on the way home.
Chris: Too obvious.
Greg: Put Ex-Lax in his hot chocolate.
Chris: Too typical.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Mr. Abbott: [to Chris] According to your test results, you put the "upid" in "stupid."
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Mr. Abbott: Do you know how many broke people went to college?
Chris: Not really.
Chris: Not really.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Even while wearing a diaper, Greg could still run like the wind. The smelly wind.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris