Everybody Hates Chris Quotes
Narrator: I thought it was bad, but then I found out I wasn't the only guy that didn't know anything about women.
Jerome: Girls like it when you give them compliments. [to a woman] Hey baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock.
Woman: Shut up, idiot.
Jerome: I wasn't even talkin' to her.
Jerome: Girls like it when you give them compliments. [to a woman] Hey baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock.
Woman: Shut up, idiot.
Jerome: I wasn't even talkin' to her.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Tasha: [seeing an X-ray of Chris' butt with Rochelle's shoe stuck in it] Is this your X-ray?
Chris: Yeah.
Tasha: Boy, you so crazy.
Narrator: Crazy like a boy with a shoe up his butt.
Chris: Yeah.
Tasha: Boy, you so crazy.
Narrator: Crazy like a boy with a shoe up his butt.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Watchin' Slaver Slav, I learned the most important thing about bein' a bad boy: When it comes to girls, the meaner, the better, and whatever you do, don't be nice.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Dr. Information: Slaver Slav is the preeminent bad boy of rap, the top recording act at Setback Records. He's responsible for the hit album "I'm Smackin' and Stabbin' Somebody." At the tender age of 16, Slaver Slav was released from prison after serving 17 years for aggravated battery. This is Slaver Slav's first mugshot... [we see a mugshot of Slaver Slav as a fetus in his mother's womb] but it wasn't his last. He released his first single "Put Me in Jail Again and I'll Smack the Stank Off You" about a month later. The rest is history.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: I've got good news.
Rochelle: You finally kicked the gout?
Julius: No.
Tonya: Chris isn't your real son?
Julius: No.
Drew: Lionel Richie is back with The Commodores?
Julius: No.
Chris: Did you trade Tonya to the devil for cable?
Julius: No. I am Employee of the Month.
Rochelle: You finally kicked the gout?
Julius: No.
Tonya: Chris isn't your real son?
Julius: No.
Drew: Lionel Richie is back with The Commodores?
Julius: No.
Chris: Did you trade Tonya to the devil for cable?
Julius: No. I am Employee of the Month.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: When I was 15 going on 16, the one thing I wanted most was a kiss from a girl, and I didn't care who it was, as long as she wasn't in my family!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Drew: Hey man, you still like Tasha?
Narrator: Does Angelina Jolie like black babies?
Narrator: Does Angelina Jolie like black babies?
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: So, have you ever kissed anyone?
Greg: [Scoffs]Have I? You gotta be kidding me.
Chris: [Flatly] Cousins don't count.
Greg: Oh. Then no.
Greg: [Scoffs]Have I? You gotta be kidding me.
Chris: [Flatly] Cousins don't count.
Greg: Oh. Then no.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Greg: [To Chris] Are you sure you really wanna play Spin-The-Bottle? I mean, there's always the chance you'll end up kissing someone that's... I don't know, let's just say...
Narrator: Ugly!
Narrator: Ugly!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: [As Tasha spins the bottle] Please, please, please. [Bottle doesn't land on Chris] Damn, damn, damn!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Now, let's get to commercial before I start cursin'.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: What do you know about Gretzky?
Drew: Well, I know he's a season all-time assist leader, his mom loves soup, and he has a sandwich named after him called "The Great One."
Chris: What's in it?
Drew: Hmm... Canadian bacon, maple syrup... Oh, and a pickle. Oh, and it comes in a bun shaped like a hockey stick.
Chris: Sounds awful.
Drew: I never had one. It was invented by this chef named Jean Lafleur.
Chris: Man, you know way too much stuff about this guy, Drew.
Drew: Well, I know he's a season all-time assist leader, his mom loves soup, and he has a sandwich named after him called "The Great One."
Chris: What's in it?
Drew: Hmm... Canadian bacon, maple syrup... Oh, and a pickle. Oh, and it comes in a bun shaped like a hockey stick.
Chris: Sounds awful.
Drew: I never had one. It was invented by this chef named Jean Lafleur.
Chris: Man, you know way too much stuff about this guy, Drew.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Ridin' on that bus, I had two goals: to get the autograph and to get back home.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Drew had a point. Besides Greg, there was only one person who would care if I wasn't in school.
Caruso: [elbowing Greg in the ribs] Morning, shoeshine.
Greg: I'm not black. Why'd you do that?
Caruso: I don't know where Chris is.
Caruso: [elbowing Greg in the ribs] Morning, shoeshine.
Greg: I'm not black. Why'd you do that?
Caruso: I don't know where Chris is.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Drew: This doesn't look like Long Island.
Chris: It's not. This is Coney Island!
Narrator: If this was Survivor, I'd vote Drew off the island.
Chris: It's not. This is Coney Island!
Narrator: If this was Survivor, I'd vote Drew off the island.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Drew: When we get there, I'm gonna have to buy you one of those sandwiches.
Narrator: Might as well buy me a heart attack with a side of diabetes.
Narrator: Might as well buy me a heart attack with a side of diabetes.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: I'm up, OK?! Are you happy now?! I mean, what does a woman have to do to get some rest around here, get shot?!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Doctor: There are various techniques that you can use to avoid injury while delivering an ass-whupping. There's the Two-Cheek Cross, the Roundhouse Booty Buster, or my personal favorite, the Kunta Kinte Will Breaker. In the wrong hands a beating can be called child abuse, but in the right hands it could be the difference between raising a Bill Gates or a Bobby Brown.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: At the Death Jubilee, I was beginnin' to realize that the BFD was a bunch of BS.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: My dad held on to money so tight, George Washington couldn't breathe.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: [Serving dinner, which consists only of toast] See, I got wheat toast and white toast and raisin and crust and crustless.
Narrator: No pumpernickle?
Rochelle: Mommy also has grape jelly, strawberry jelly, hot sauce...
Narrator: Hot sauce?!
Rochelle: ...cinnimon,
Narrator: Hot sauce?
Rochelle: ...honey, and syrup to dip your crust in.
Chris: Hot sauce?
Julius: [To Tonya] Um, did you finish up those quarters like I asked?
Tonya: Yep, ten rolls.
Julius: [smiles] Good girl.
Drew: Hey Chris, can you pass me the hot sauce?
Narrator: Hot sauce?
Narrator: No pumpernickle?
Rochelle: Mommy also has grape jelly, strawberry jelly, hot sauce...
Narrator: Hot sauce?!
Rochelle: ...cinnimon,
Narrator: Hot sauce?
Rochelle: ...honey, and syrup to dip your crust in.
Chris: Hot sauce?
Julius: [To Tonya] Um, did you finish up those quarters like I asked?
Tonya: Yep, ten rolls.
Julius: [smiles] Good girl.
Drew: Hey Chris, can you pass me the hot sauce?
Narrator: Hot sauce?
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: Malvo!
Malvo: What?!
Chris: I've decided to help you.
Malvo: [to a kid he's frightening] Looks like I won't be needing you after all, four-eyes!
Malvo: What?!
Chris: I've decided to help you.
Malvo: [to a kid he's frightening] Looks like I won't be needing you after all, four-eyes!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: What are you doin' to save the Earth?
Chris: I'm recycling cans, and the money I make I'm going to use to help the environment.
Narrator: Just like the Republicans.
Chris: I'm recycling cans, and the money I make I'm going to use to help the environment.
Narrator: Just like the Republicans.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
(Chris suggests that for his Earth Day project, he collect and recycle cans)
Mrs. Morello: (Sarcastically) That's wonderful! Then you can take the money and do something for the environment! You can plant a tree!
Narrator: Maybe I can plant my foot in your be---
(Opening sequence cuts him off)
Mrs. Morello: (Sarcastically) That's wonderful! Then you can take the money and do something for the environment! You can plant a tree!
Narrator: Maybe I can plant my foot in your be---
(Opening sequence cuts him off)
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: At 15, I was sick of bein' a nerd. When you're a nerd, people you want to pay attention to you ignore you, and the people you wish would ignore you, pay attention. And I was done with it.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: From now on, I was gonna be cool. Cool guys got everything: girls, cars, girls, money, girls.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: How am I gonna get a girl from this school to go with me?
Greg: Just ask somebody.
Chris: I did. I asked Lisa, Sydney, Darlene and they all said no.
Narrator: I even asked Ms. Morello.
Ms. Morello: Chris, I'm really flattered, but no.
Narrator: Where's Mary Kay Letourneau when you need her?
Greg: Just ask somebody.
Chris: I did. I asked Lisa, Sydney, Darlene and they all said no.
Narrator: I even asked Ms. Morello.
Ms. Morello: Chris, I'm really flattered, but no.
Narrator: Where's Mary Kay Letourneau when you need her?
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: My Uncle Ryan was Drew's favorite uncle because he was a dreamer, and his dream was to open a successful business. He had some bad ideas.
Ryan: Fried bread crust.
Drew: Fried bread crust?
Ryan: Some people like the inside of the bread. This is for people that like the outside.
Narrator: This is for people who like bypass surgery.
Julius: [eating a bread crust] How much you need?
Narrator: And a couple of good ideas.
Ryan: They got 31 flavors of ice cream, I got 31 flavors of chocolate milk. Swiss chocolate, cinnamon chocolate, raspberry chocolate, maple chocolate, peanut butter chocolate. You gotta get in on this.
Julius: Well, what flavor is this?
Ryan: This is milk chocolate.
Drew: Milk chocolate chocolate milk?
Narrator: Official drink of diabetes.
Ryan: Fried bread crust.
Drew: Fried bread crust?
Ryan: Some people like the inside of the bread. This is for people that like the outside.
Narrator: This is for people who like bypass surgery.
Julius: [eating a bread crust] How much you need?
Narrator: And a couple of good ideas.
Ryan: They got 31 flavors of ice cream, I got 31 flavors of chocolate milk. Swiss chocolate, cinnamon chocolate, raspberry chocolate, maple chocolate, peanut butter chocolate. You gotta get in on this.
Julius: Well, what flavor is this?
Ryan: This is milk chocolate.
Drew: Milk chocolate chocolate milk?
Narrator: Official drink of diabetes.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris