The Fast Show Quotes

Carl Hooper: Next week on the show: bats - are they really blind or just takin' a piss out of me?

TV Show: The Fast Show
Louis Balfour: What are you going to play for us today, Jackson?
Jackson Jeffrey Jackson: Trumpet.
Louis Balfour: No, er, what tune?
Jackson Jeffrey Jackson: [indignant] Tune? This' jazz!

TV Show: The Fast Show
Rowley Birkin: ...thin layer of lemon curd...

TV Show: The Fast Show
Various roles: You a young mother, are you? That's the hardest job in the world is, innit, eh? The old motherin' game. Yeah, hardest game in the world. Yeah, I done it meself, see? Yeah. Thirty years, man and woman.

TV Show: The Fast Show
[repeated line]
News anchor: A fe fe fe a fe fe fe, Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

TV Show: The Fast Show
Please release me, let me go
For I don't love you anymore
Her lips are warm while yours are cold
Release me, my darling, let me go

TV Show: The Fast Show
Duke: Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? At a french maids finishing school? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? Bingo!

TV Show: The Fast Show
Duke: Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? In a student-nurses hall of residence? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? Has no-one thought of the consequences? Oh well.

TV Show: The Fast Show
Duke: Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? In a sixth-form girl's dormitory? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? What were they thinking of?

TV Show: The Fast Show
Duke: Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? In a women's prison? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? Oh well, penal correctitude it is then.

TV Show: The Fast Show
Duke: Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? At the changing rooms of the Brazilian synchronised-swimming team? Let's hope I live up to my reputation. Ladies, here I come, time for a rub down.

TV Show: The Fast Show
Duke: Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? Alone with my best friends wife? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? While he's downstairs? What does he think I'm going to do, sing her a lullaby or something? Mmm.

TV Show: The Fast Show
Duke: Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? On a farm? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? They must be absolutely stark raving bonkers! Daisy, daddy's home! [cow "moo"s as he walked into a stall]

TV Show: The Fast Show
Duke: Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? In a mortuary? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? Are they quite mad? Oh well.

TV Show: The Fast Show
Chris: My name's Chris, erm, I am an alcoholic...
[AA group claps]
...I have got a problem, I can accept that, I'm not gonna give in to it. I'm gonna take each day as it comes. I've done a few bad things. I started when I was 14, drinking the usual cider, Newcastle brown and then whiskey, gin, vodka, special brew.
AA Leader: We've all been there.
Chris: Then, I moved on to stronger things, Night Nurse, Benylin. I was basically drinkin anything I could get my hands on, and that's why I came today.
AA Leader: Well done, Chris.
[another man stands up]
Man: Does anyone fancy a pint?
[everyone except for Chris leaves]

TV Show: The Fast Show
Brilliant: You know Ronnie Corbett? He's brilliant, but 'e's not really small, 'e's a great big bloke who they made look small so he could fit on the telly. And they did it wi' trick photography, which is brilliant, only they don't call it that no more, they call it special effects, and they're brilliant. Like in Terminator 2, have you seen it? It's about a bloke who can turn into a puddle and back again, fantastic. Aren't sequels brilliant? They're the same film, wi' same title, but a different number like 2 or 3. Even bad films are great aren't they? 'Cause at least they try. In the future, all films will be brilliant, in fact, everything will be brilliant in the future, with cars on monorails, and brilliant silvery costumes and food in pills, and probably some kind of future-y can-opener, fantastic. And everything will be done by computers. Aren't computers brilliant? They can do anything, except play football, a computer wouldn't be no good in goal. But they can do anything else virtually. I'n't virtual reality brilliant? It's exactly like reality, only you wear an 'at. I tried wi' me brothers crash helmet the other day and I fell down t' stairs. Aren't hospitals brilliant?

TV Show: The Fast Show
Brilliant: Holidays are brilliant, aren't they? They last two weeks, two weeks, or one if you want, or even just a weekend, it don't matter. Or if you got time, a month, but maybe that's too long, eh? The whole point of 'em is you don't have to go t' work, if you got a job that is. And you can go to foreign countries, any of 'em you like, like France, or that other one. And you go on a plane, planes are brilliant aren't they? Imagine what holidays must be like without 'em, to get to France would take like years and years and you would've had to swim the Channel with your suitcases and your pyjamas would've got all wet. But you can get on a plane, which is brilliant, and some of 'em now go faster than the speed of sound, which is really brilliant. 'Cause that means, before you went, you could shout 'hello' and when you got there, if you really really listened, you could probably hear yourself, like far-off and distant, like 'hello', like an echo, 'hello'. Aren't echoes brilliant? They're not a modern invention, you just shout and it comes back exactly the same, you don't have to do 'owt, the mountain does it all for you. Some mountains are volcanoes, and they really are brilliant. [image of volcano erupting] See volcanoes brilliant. [image of sea waters breaching sea wall] Flooding. Fantastic. [image of wave slamming into a ship] Great big waves. Brilliant. [image of lightning strike] Lightning. Brilliant. [image of forest fire] Forest fires, yeah. [image of tornado]Tornadoes, they're best, wow, amazing.

TV Show: The Fast Show
Prof. Dexter: We heated this beaker of bear's urine to 37 degrees centigrade, that's human body temperature.
[he removes the thermometer and takes a sip]
Prof. Dexter: It tastes revolting. Now Dave and sub-vectors. Dave...

TV Show: The Fast Show
Brilliant: Eh, ain't it brilliant these days? The pubs are open all day, brilliant, they never used to be, fantastic, you can drink all day, brilliant. And 'ave you seen those new photo shops? You can get your pictres developed in like two hours, two hours, used t' take a week, brilliant. And you know answer phones, they're fantastic aren't they? I've got one but I don't know how it works. Paints good innit? All them colours and that? Yeah. Do you know what? In London, they've got these brilliant trains that go underground, you don't suffocate or nowt, fantastic. What about them animals you can get, you keep 'em in your 'ouse, and they're all furry, and you can stroke 'em, and make up names for them and they're called 'dogs', and smaller ones are called 'cats'. It's brilliant, everything's just fantastic.

TV Show: The Fast Show
Brilliant: Aren't kids brilliant thes days? They're 'appy just sittin' 'round plain' video games, you don't have to worry 'bout 'em getting run over or 'owt, fantastic. When I were a kid I used to get dead bored, me Dad used t' say that when he were a kid...
[cuts to Rubbish Dad]
Rubbish Dad: ...all I needed were a bit o' string...
[cuts back to Brilliant]
Brilliant: ...then he'd hit us 'round the 'ead, brilliant, fantastic. Aren't shops brilliant? 'Cause if you want something, no matter what it is, you can get it in a shop. Like a magazine, or anything, even some milk, or Cheesy-Peas, aren't Cheesy-Peas brilliant? They're a combination of cheese and peas to form Cheesy-Peas, brilliant. And, you know, if we didn't have shops, we wouldn't be able to buy 'em, wouldn't be able to buy 'owt, and we'd probably all die, and that would be terrible, wouldn't it? Aren't pavements brilliant? If you think about it, right, if we didn't 'ave 'em, everywhere would just be one big road, and we'd probably keep getting run over all the time, and we'd all die, and that'd be terrible wouldn't it? I mean, really terrible. I'n't the sky brillliant? I mean, where does it end? Fantastic.
[a fly buzzes into his mouth and he gags]
Brilliant: Just swallowed a fly, brilliant.

TV Show: The Fast Show
Brilliant: Glasses; megaphones; mountains; chairs; dinosaurs; er, telly; music; cars; trains; hat and gloves; shoes; zebras; Eric Cantona; adverts, posters and that; calendars; roofs; umbrellas; er, caravans; pancakes; that clingy stuff, clingfilm, yeah, yeah; magazines; outer space and chocolate, all brilliant!

TV Show: The Fast Show
Brilliant: YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH...aren't mams brilliant? They give birth to you, you know, they 'have' you, an' that. And then they look after you, for as long as you want. You don't have to pay 'em or nowt, fantastic. In fact, they pay you, pocket money and that, you know? Brilliant. And they've got this special magic way of puttin' your socks on, where they turn 'em 'alf inside out. I love mams, they're brilliant, and they're all different, which is brilliant, 'cause if they all looked the same you wouldn't know which 'ouse to go to for your tea. That'd be terrible wouldn't it, you might not be ready at the time you normally have it. Dads are all right but mams are better, mams are softer, and they smell better, and they do the cooking. 'Ave you seen them new cookers called 'microwaves, where everything takes just one minute to cook, one minute, your dinner, your snack, your tea even. Just one minute, or your breakfast if you want. One minute breakfast, fantastic. Microwaves, brilliant, but you can't put metal in 'em, I don't know why.
[he trips and falls over his own feet]
Brilliant: I fell over, brilliant.

TV Show: The Fast Show
Brilliant: I'n't sex brilliant? You know, having it off, it's fantastic. I've done it like hundred times now, with me girlfriend. It's fantastic, except afterwards when y'ave to clear up all the mess, you know, all the wood an' that. I feel sorry for people who haven't had it off, you know, 'cause it's fantastic, except the first couple o' times I really hurt me goolies...they're all right now.

TV Show: The Fast Show
[a man enters a suit store and is approached by Ken]
Ken: Good morning, sir. How are we today, sir?
Man: Fine. You?
Ken: Radiant, sir, radiant.
[the man picks up a suit ]
Ken: Ooh, that is a lovely suit, isn't it, sir?
Man: Yes, yes it's nice.
Ken: Ooh, suit you, sir, suit like that, ooh. Do you want one off the peg, sir, or do you want one made up?
Man: Well I'm looking for something a bit smart, I'm starting a new job.
Ken: Ooh, congratulations, sir. Will you be having your own secretary, sir?
Man: Yes. Yes, I think so.
Ken: Will you be giving it to her, sir?
Man: I'm sorry?
Ken: Your secretary, sir, will you be giving it to her?
Man: I'm not sure I understand.
Ken: Have you thought of a colour, sir? We have some excellent Blue Serge.
Man: Yes, blue, or a grey.
Ken: Oooh, suit you, sir, ooh. The ladies like a man in a suit, don't they, sir?
[the man grins and nods his head]
Ken: Were you out with a lady last-night, sir?
Man: Yes, I was, as a matter of fact.
Ken: Did she want it, sir?
Man: I beg your pardon?
Ken: The lady you were out with last-night, sir, did she want it, sir? Ooh, suit you, sir, ooh!
[the man goes to leave]
Ken: Ah, ah, arms. Sorry, sir, didn't mean a thing. Just making conversation, won't say another word. This...lady you were out with last-night, sir?
Man: Yes.
Ken: Known her long?
Man: Yes, about four years. She's my fiancée.
[Kenneth walks up]
Kenneth: Does she want it, sir?
Man: You what?
Kenneth: Your fiancée, does she want it, sir? Is she a pale girl, sir? Doe-eyed,

TV Show: The Fast Show
[a man is escorted to a changing cubicle by Ken and enters it while Ken waits outside]
Ken: Haven't I seen you somewhere before, sir?
Customer: I am an actor. I have done one or two commercials.
Ken: We don't watch television, sir.
Customer: Well I have done some Shakespeare. Although you probably wouldn't have...
Ken: Oh, that's right sir, I've seen your Hamlet, haven't I sir? It was only a small production, sir, but your Hamlet really stood out sir. Ooh.
[Kenneth appears in the changing compartment]
Kenneth: Have you seen Kenneth Brannagh's Hamlet sir?
Customer: Yea..yes.
Ken: Oh, Kenneth Brannagh's an extraordinary Hamlet isn't it sir?
Kenneth: Oh!
Ken: Quite exquisite sir. Ooh
Kenneth: The thing's he does with his Hamlet beggars belief sir. I thought I'd seen every type of Hamlet there was till I saw Kenneth's.
Ken: Suit you.
Kenneth: Suit you, sir.
Ken: You didn't find it too long?
Kenneth: No, I like a long Hamlet. Don't you sir.
Ken: Oh. It was even longer than Olivier's.
Kenneth: Yes, but when I saw Olivier's Hamlet on stage it was perfect. The audience gasped in wonder at it, sir.
Ken: I didn't think Kenneth Brannagh had the physical presence to carry off such an enormous Hamlet, sir.
Kenneth: Ah, but he did Ken and apparently it brought tears to Kate Winslet's eyes.
Ken: Oh! Oh!
Kenneth: Suit you, sir.
Ken: Oh! Suit you.
[Kenneth peers over the swing-door]
Kenneth: Goodness, you have got a big penis, haven't you.

TV Show: The Fast Show
[Simon & Lindsey run toward screen with paintball guns; screaming]
Simon: Right, day five, paintball. We're here for fun , and camaraderie. The type of people you meet in the paint zone are the best. We've gotten a lot of new buddies since we started balling.
Lindsey: "Gotten"!
Simon: Now, although paintball is not real war...
Lindsey: "Buddies"!
Simon: Although paintball is not real war...
Lindsey: "I've gotten a gun, let's go shoot some buddies"!
[Simon shoots Lindsey in the groin; Lindsey screams]
Simon: Although paintball is not real war, it's important to take it seriously. You need the right equipment. We've got the goggles...
[he raises his goggles to show; Lindsey shoots Simon in the face; Simon screams]
Lindsey: Sorry, Si.

TV Show: The Fast Show
Simon: Right, three big tips before we start: shoot it, shovel it, and shut up.
Lindsey: What?
Simon: Shut up! Right, I've got a standard hand-gun, and Lindsey has got one of those fast-action automatic-cocking babies.
Lindsey: We're going for maximum splat, splattus maximus.
Simon: And believe me, they work.
Lindsey: It's gripped!
Simon: Sorted! Okay, Linds, when the whistle goes, I'm gonna hot-foot it up there, you cover me.
Lindsey: Right, it's gripped!
[whistle blows]
Simon: Right, let's paint ball!
Lindsey: Good luck, comrade.
[Simon starts to run; Lindsey grins to camera a then starts shooting Simon in the back; Simon falls and Lindsey keeps shooting; Lindsey stops shooting and laughs]
Simon: What the bloody hell do you think you're doing, Lindsey?
Lindsey: You said "cover me"! Hu-her, joke!
[Simon shoots Lindsey in the groin again]
Simon: Jokus maximus bollockus number two!

TV Show: The Fast Show
Simon: Right, we're going for the flag on this one. Lindsey, no pissing about. I'm gonna sneak back up that valley, you cover me.
Lindsey: Sorry, bad joke.
Simon: Let's paint ball.
Lindsey: It's gripped!
Simon: Sorted!
Lindsey: Sorry, Baz, gotta do it.
[Simon turns and runs; Lindsey shoots him again]
Lindsey: Sorry, Si, I couldn't resist.
[Lindsey covers his groin; Simon beats him over the head with his gun]

TV Show: The Fast Show
Simon: Day Eight, white water rafting.
Lindsey: Yee-haaa!
Simon: This is a river, one tough bitch. A swirling, raging, thrashing, torrent of screaming water.
Lindsey: Screamin' water!
Simon: And I choose my words carefully, because she's upturned the boat of many a clown, who thought they could tame her. You must respect her, you must respect the river if you wanna come out of her alive...
[Simon turns to look at the river] must respect her, understand her...

[Lindsey pushes Simon in the river]
Lindsey: Huhuhur, he's in! That's a tenner you owe me Baz! Hahahaha!

TV Show: The Fast Show
Lindsey: Right, day eight, part two. Lindsey here. I mean I was only havin' a laugh, I didn't know he'd get washed away. We've come down here to see if we can find him. No luck yet, but the rescue people'll get him. You rang 'em didn't you, Baz?
Baz: No, I thought you did.
Lindsey: Oh, er. Well, I was only havin' a laugh, he was wearing his life jacket anyway...
[Simon appears in the water and walks up behind Lindsey]...Well, you know, he's fat, he'll float. He's a good swimmer. You know, what more can I say?

[Simon stands behind Lindsey and picks up an axe]
Baz: Er, Lindsey? Lindsey?!
Lindsey: What can you do about it?
[Simon hits Lindsey in the head with the axe]
Simon: You bastard! You know I can't swim!
Lindsey: Ah, ah. What have you done to my head?! What have you done to my bloody head?! Baz, what's he done to my head?!
Baz: He's stuck an axe in it.
Lindsey: What?!
Simon: I've stuck an axe in it.
Lindsey: You stuck an axe in my head?!
Simon: Yeah.
Lindsey: What, through the hat?!
Simon: Yeah.
Lindsey: The famous hat!
Simon: Yeah, sorry mate.
Lindsey: You stuck an axe through the famous hat?!
Simon: Yeah.
Lindsey: What's it look like?
Simon: It looks quite good actually.
Lindsey: Yeah? Let's go down the pub then, shall we?
Simon: Yeah.
Lindsey: The hat. The hat. The famous...
[Lindsey collapses]

TV Show: The Fast Show