Rescue Me Quotes

Angie: Oh no.
Tommy Gavin: What?
Angie: My ex. He's outside. I can't believe it, this guy won't let it go!
Tommy Gavin: How did he even know we were here?
Angie: I told you he follows me around.
Tommy Gavin: All right. I'm gonna put an end to this right now.
Angie: Tommy... [Tommy gets up]
Angie: I'm telling you, Sebastian's crazy!
Tommy Gavin: His name is Sebastian?
Sebastian: Yeah.
Tommy Gavin: I think I can handle it. [Scene change: outside of the restaurant]
Tommy Gavin: [to Sebastian] Hey asshole!
Sebastian: [Nervously drops his keys and picks them back up again] I know who you are! She's mine, she loves me!
Tommy Gavin: I got news for you, pal! She doesn't love you, she hates your guts, and I'm gonna tell you somethin' else. Next time you come around, I'm not calling the cops. I'm gonna kick your midget little ass myself. OK, "Sebastian"?
Sebastian: OK, OK. That would be the next time you have the balls to take her out on a date! You got that?
Tommy Gavin: Really?
Sebastian: Yeah!
Tommy Gavin: Really? [Makes threatening motion towards Sebastian, and Sebastian drives off]
Angie: He's leaving?
Tommy Gavin: Yeah. By the way, this guy's tiny. I've taken bigger shits than this guy.
Angie: I'm telling you, Tommy.
Tommy Gavin: He knows kung-fu. Woooh, I'm scared.

TV Show: Rescue Me
Chief Jerry Reilly: [watching Sean Garrity and Probie playing Scrabble] Look at this - a meeting of the minds and the minds are a no-show.

TV Show: Rescue Me
Chief Jerry Reilly: What in the sweet chocolate Christ is a metrosexual?

TV Show: Rescue Me
Don Kleinman: Ok, we have a hand up. You think you're prejudice.
Tommy Gavin: Yup.
Don Kleinman: Against who?
Tommy Gavin: Well let's see, uh, Chevy Neons that cost 12 Grand to buy but have $8,000 paint jobs and 9 spics inside them smokin' weed, that's one thing.
Don Kleinman: Ok, now listen, the term "spic"...
Franco Rivera: It's Ok, I'm a spic.
Tommy Gavin: Crazy chink broads who don't know how to drive in the first place and now they have cell phones stuck to their ears while they're doing 65 MPH down 6th avenue, huh? Right? And the crazy chinks on bikes with 10 pounds of chinese food strapped to the handlebars...
Don Kleinman: Ok, see, now the word "chink" is what I like to call a problem word.
Sean Garrity: ...raises his hand... Yeah, uh, if I were a chink I'd rather be called a chink then a gook.
Don Kleinman: Ok, now hold on. Listen to me please. Chinese people would not like to be called gook or chink or pan face or zipper-head or...
Franco Rivera: See? That's another thing-Puerto Ricans, we even get shafted when it comes to racism. Chinks get like what, 4 ethnic slurs? We get one-spic, that's it. The Irish, they got: Mick, Paddy, Donkey. The Italians, they got: Guinea, WOP, Deigo...
Sean Garrity: ...raises his hand... Yeah, uh, Sphagetti Bender...
Franco Rivera: Ehhh, Sphagetti Bender went out of style during Sinatra's first marriage.
Mike Silletti: ...raises his hand... Greaseball?
Franco Rivera: Yeah, greaseball. There ya have it. That's four.
Tommy Gavin: That's right, you know, sa

TV Show: Rescue Me
Franco Rivera: Where are you going?
Kenny Lou: I'm going inside to take a leak, unless you want to me to do it in your beer.
Franco Rivera: No, once is enough, thanks.

TV Show: Rescue Me
Tommy Gavin: Listen, you can meet a guy's ex-girlfriend in a bar and feel her up.
Kenny Lou: Yes.
Tommy Gavin: You can be in a bar, meet a guy's ex-wife, and?
Kenny Lou: [makes circular gestures on his chest] Titty action.
Tommy Gavin: Titty action. You can even grab his sister's ass while the guy is in the same bar.
Kenny Lou: Yes you could.
Tommy Gavin: And it would all fall under the giant unbrella rule of, "Sorry, I was drunk."
Kenny Lou: Like Visa and Mastercard, accepted the world over.
Tommy Gavin: In fact, that's why the rule was invented all those years ago, by the... Romans?
Kenny Lou: Earlier than that, my friend: the Druids!
Tommy Gavin: [counting on his fingers] But girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, wife, ex-wife, sister, half-sister: [sweeps his hands]
Tommy Gavin: No pussy!

TV Show: Rescue Me
Uncle Teddy: You mean to tell me she's leaving 60 million dollars to the goddamn cats?!
Lawyer: And the cancer foundation.
Uncle Teddy: I got cancer.
Tommy: You do?
Lawyer: Cat cancer.

TV Show: Rescue Me
Sean: Hey, I've--I've been thinkin' about your nuts. And I think it's gonna be okay. I mean, look at Lance Armstrong. He turned out really well.
Mike: Yeah, was that before or after he landed on the moon?
Sean: No, Lance Armstrong. The guy who won the Tour de France like 26 times in a row. (Mike is silent) Whoa, holy shit, bro you don't even know what the Tour de France is, do you?
Mike: I want to say wine tasting?

TV Show: Rescue Me
[After everyone gets up and leaves]
Tommy: Look, Doc...
Dr. Goldberg: Oh, you don't need to explain, I was at another firehouse last night and the reaction was quite similar.
Tommy: The guys, uh, they're not gonna talk to a psychotherapist in the firehouse, especially not uh, female one.
Dr. Goldberg: What about the female firefighters?
Tommy: We don't have any female firefighters in this house.
Dr. Goldberg: Are you threatened by women?
Tommy: No.
Dr. Goldberg: You-- you don't seem to think that a woman can be a firefighter.
Tommy: I'll tell you what, it's not about being a man or a woman, okay? It's about doing the job. It's about me getting home safe and sound in the morning to see my kids, okay? So, you got a woman who can do the job better than the guys on my crew? Bring her on. You know? You got a martian, or a cyborg, or a Chinaman that can do the job, bring them on too.
Dr. Goldberg: Are there any Chinese firefighters?
Tommy: Yeah, probably. Somewhere in... China.
Dr. Goldberg: I'm sensing a lot of hostility.
Tommy: You are very, very perceptive.
Dr. Goldberg': That's what they tell me.

TV Show: Rescue Me
[Tommy is laying money out on the table]
Tommy: Alright, we're going to play a little game because Daddy needs to know some information on Mommy's new boyfriend. Alright?
[they all are silent]
Katy: But Mommy doesn't want us to talk about that.
Tommy: I understand that, sweetheart. That's why we have the money.

TV Show: Rescue Me
Franco: We have sex with woman who ain't our wives and we make every detail available to the other guys.
Tommy: Yeah, well, maybe I'm a gentleman.
Chief: Yeah, and I'm growing tits.
Tommy: Hey, you should check a mirror, pal.

TV Show: Rescue Me
Jimmy: All right, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's review. Why are you two separated?
Tommy: According to her?
Jimmy: Yeah.
Tommy: You know, I... she says I couldn't open up, I wasn't emotionally available, blah, blah, blah.

TV Show: Rescue Me
[Talking about a fireman who retired and them came out of the closet, and also claims to know more gay firemen]
Sean: Well, maybe he just thought they were gay because they were well-groomed, and uh, into fashion. You know what I mean?
Chief Reilly, Franco, Lou, and Tommy: No.
Sean: Well, maybe they weren't homosexuals. Maybe they were metrosexuals.
Lou: What?
Tommy: My daughter used that term last week.
Franco: The teenager?
Tommy: The eight-year-old.
Chief Reilly: What in the sweet chocolate christ is a metrosexual?
Mike: It means that you aren't gay but you like to do certain things that might be considered gay. [they all stare at him, looking totally clueless and in shock] Right?
Sean: No, asshole. He doesn't know what the hell he's talkin' about. Look, a metrosexual is like a straight guy who happens to you know, also like to go shoppin' and-- and get facials and stuff.
Tommy: Holy shit.
Chief Reilly: Shoppin' for food?
Mike: Nice food.
Sean: Yeah, and wine, and... clothes. Yeah, I'm not explaining it right. Franco you know what a metrosexual is, right?
Franco: Uh, that would be a huge goddamn 'no'.
Sean: It's not like a gay thing...
Mike: It's gay and it's not gay. It's like straight, regular guys who get like facelifts and bikini waxes.
Chief Reilly: Enough. Enough.
Mike: Male bikini waxes.
Chief Reilly: Enough! Nobody in this firehouse goes out and goes shoppin' anymore unless it's for underwear or for boots or for a pair of goddamn gloves. And nobody, and I mean nobody, goes and gets a facial unless that means putting water on your face to clean up after catchin' a job. And the word metrosexual from this point on is banned from this quarters. (walks

TV Show: Rescue Me
Tommy: You want to know how big my balls are? My balls are bigger than two of your heads duct-taped together. I've been in the middle of shit that would make you piss your pants right now. Uptown, downtown, Harlem, Brooklyn. But there ain't no medals on my chest, assholes, 'cause I ain't no hero. I'm a fireman. We're not in the business of making heroes here. We're in the business of discovering cowards, 'cause that's what you are if you can't take the heat. You're a pussy, and there ain't no room for pussies in the FDNY. [to a snickering recruit in the first row] What are you laughing at, shithead? Huh? What's so god damn funny?
Recruit: I just... .
Tommy: Shut up! You speak when spoken to. You pussies better pray you don't get assigned to my firehouse. Because I have seen it all. I knew sixty men who gave their lives at Ground Zero. Sixty. Four of them from my house. Vito Castella... found him almost whole. Ricky Davis... found him almost whole, hugging a civilian woman. Bobby Vincent... found his head. And my cousin, Jimmy Keefe, my best friend. You know what they found of him? What I was able to bring back and give to his parents? A finger. That's all. A finger. These four men were better human beings and better firefighters than any of you will ever be.
Firefighting Class Instructor: Say "thank you," firefighting upper class!
Firefighting Upper Class: Thank you, Firefighter Gavin, sir!

TV Show: Rescue Me
Mike: [about Sean] He, uh, got a ball wax.
Franco: A ball wax?
Sean: Yeah. Me and this chick that I've been banging, we were talking about it right. And she said that it makes the sex better for women, right? So, there's nothin' on TV last night, so I get look through the yellow pages and I find a place and I do it.
Franco: So, this place, did you find it under "ball" or "wax?"

TV Show: Rescue Me
Tommy: Let me tell you something, okay?
Janet: Hey, don't you threaten me.
Tommy: If I want to threaten you, I will! Okay? You start a shit storm about my kids with me, you take 'em anywhere you want, I will hunt you down and I will find you. Four corners of the Earth, I will find you and I will take those kids back. That's not a threat, that's a goddamn promise, bitch.

TV Show: Rescue Me
Tommy: What is it with these gay people? They're everywhere now: sitcoms, movies. You see the thing in the paper about same sex marriage?
Chief Reilly: Same sex marriages? Hey, right now I'd settle for a "some" sex marriage.

TV Show: Rescue Me
Tommy: No, I'll tell ya, brother. I am pro-lesbian. I am a big supporter of the lesbian community.
Jimmy: Really?
Tommy: Yeah, I wish my daughter was a lesbian.
Jimmy: Which one?
Tommy: Both. Why don't they have a pill for that?

TV Show: Rescue Me
Sean: I like hockey, I could never play though. I've got weak ankles.
Franco: Yeah, that's not the only thing that you got that's weak.
Sean: What does that mean?
Franco: Nothing.
Sean: No, what does that mean?
Franco: It was a joke, Sean.
Sean: Well, what're you sayin' then, like I got weak knees?
Franco: No.
Sean: Arms? What?
Franco: I was talking about your mind. I was saying that you've got a weak mind.
Sean: You know what, Franco, do I piss all over you all of the time? I don't think so. I don't understand why you gotta be such a prick to me.
Lou: Hey, girls, do I have to separate you?
Sean: He said that I had a weak mind, Lou.
Lou: Yeah, like he's pulling that outta thin air.

TV Show: Rescue Me
Tommy: What is that?
Colleen: What, the cookies?
Tommy: No. Below the cookies, peeking out of your pants, and it better not be a tattoo because if it is a tattoo, you're not gonna see the light of day ever again.
Colleen: It's not like it's huge.
Tommy: Move the cookies. [she moves them] Oh my, god. What the hell?
Colleen: It's a shamrock.
Tommy: I can see it's a shamrock.
Colleen: You're always saying that we should be proud of being Irish.
Tommy: You wanna be proud you're Irish? Wave a flag, march in a parade, have 100 kids ... not yet. Oh my god.
Colleen: It's not that big of a deal, Mom has a tattoo on her butt.
Tommy: How do you know that?
Colleen: She showed me.
Tommy: She showed you? Jesus Christ. [groans] I'll tell ya' what, you're gonna get rid of that yourself, or I'm gonna get rid of it for you.
Colleen: How?
Tommy: I'm sure Black & Decker has some kind of attachment.
Colleen: It's my body. You can't tell me what to do with it.
Tommy: Oh, really? Let me just remind you of a couple things, okay? When you turn 18 years old, you can move out of this house and you can get a flower tattooed on your ass, and a rainbow tattooed on your tits, but until then as long as you live under my roof, you play by my rules. No tattoos.
Colleen: I didn't get it while I was living under your roof, I got it while I was living under Mom's.

TV Show: Rescue Me
Phyllis: You don't need to lie to me, either. What are you doing?
Lou: Okay... You want the truth?
Phyllis: Yeah.
Lou: I've been writing poetry.
Phyllis: What?
Lou: Poetry. Since... just after 9/11. It's kind of been, I don't know, my therapy, I guess. I don't know.
Phyllis: Writing poetry?
Lou: Yeah.
Phyllis: Oh my God, why couldn't it have been the porn?

TV Show: Rescue Me
[Tommy pays his nephew for sending a computer virus to Roger]
Tommy: [sighs] I could only get 300 bucks out of the ATM.
Damian: That's okay. You can owe me the rest. I trust you.
Tommy: You know what, kid? I was at your christening and I didn't drown you, okay? So let's think about who owes who. All right?

TV Show: Rescue Me
Chief Reilly: I didn't come here the other night looking for a fight. And I didn't come tonight looking for one either. I came to talk to that Teff guy. Well, he started the fight. He threw the first punch. You saw him do that. And I know a couple other guys in there saw it too.
Vinny: So?
Chief Reilly: So, uh... I mean it's possible I... I might need a witness and I was hoping you'd, you know, do the right thing.
Vinny: You know, funny thing about gay bashers: they're all tough guys until they get caught.
Chief Reilly: I never--
Vinny: I saw what every other guy in the place saw. You threw the first punch.

TV Show: Rescue Me
Janet: [at the hospital] Tommy, I can't get any answers in there.
Tommy: You know what? [grabs her arm and pushes her against the building, and pins her there] Hey, what did I tell you, huh? What did I tell you?
Janet: Get the hell off of me!
Tommy: I told you to get your priorities straight, huh. Get your shit together. You wanted to be in charge of the kids, and what happened? She's lying in a hospital bed while you're trying to get laid with you loser goddamn boyfriend! [they shove each other and he finally lets her go]
Janet: And where have you been?!
Tommy: Where was I? At work! Paying your goddamn bills!
Janet: Tommy, this isn't about our bullshit. This is about our little girl in there.
Tommy: Don't tell me.
Janet: Goddamn you, Tommy.
Tommy: It's on your head!

TV Show: Rescue Me
Father Mickey: Tom, I, uh, I don't know what you want me to say.
Tommy: Mick... I want you to say that it's all... it's bullshit. You know? There is no plan, there is no map. There's no golden ring at the end of the ride. It's just... bullshit. You know? [sighs] I want you to take away the hope, man, that's the thing that's killing me. You know,it's just... it's like, uh... I'm just hanging here, man. Hope is making me think I can fix my marriage, you know? The day of Jimmy's funeral... you stood up on that altar and you said, "Sometimes we don't know why God does the things that he does." But I'm telling you... Mick... if he takes my little girl tonight... I'm going to want to know why.
Father Mickey: That's why you got to hold on to the hope, Tom. 'Cause in the end, that's all we got left.

TV Show: Rescue Me
Tommy: You remember that blonde that we met at the Bubble Bar last month? You were with me, right?
Franco: Yeah, yeah. The one you banged that night?
Tommy: Actually, I've been banging her ever since, but I don't know her name.
Franco: Damn. How're you pulling that off?
Tommy: Well, it's like a late night booty-call. Not a lot of conversation, you know?
Franco: Yeah, those are the best.
Tommy: Well, I gotta come up with a name soon, man.
Franco: Yeah. You know what? You could do that thing where you introduce her to somebody. You say the other person's name but not hers, and then she has to say "Hi, I'm..." Fill in the blank.
Tommy: Never gonna work.
Franco: Why not?
Tommy: Because I never take this chick out in public.
Franco: Ah, yeah.
Tommy: See?
Franco: Yeah, you got yourself a real goddamn dilemma there.
Tommy: Yeah, broads. It's not enough that you're bangin' 'em like crazy, now you gotta know their names.

TV Show: Rescue Me
Lou: Wait a minute, you passed on a three way? Was she hot?
Mike: Way hot.
Lou: What're you nuts?
Mike: Lou, I would have to had sex in front of another guy.
Lou: So block him out.
Mike: But what if I get hit with friendly fire?
Lou: Well, make sure you're done first and then get the hell out of the way. Jesus, it's true what they say: Three-ways, like youth, are wasted on the young.

TV Show: Rescue Me
Franco: [On the phone, Franco is in a club with two girls by him] So, it's, uh, it's Nancy or Lauren, huh? I don't know, man, she didn't look like a Nancy to me. I'd go with Lauren.
Tommy: I kinda secretly was hoping she was a Nancy.
Franco: Why's that?
Tommy: 'Cause Nancy's give better head.
Franco: Oh, you've researched that?
Tommy: Uh, basing it on the two Nancy's that I've known.
Franco: So, uh, you been with a Lauren?
Tommy: Uh, one.
Franco: Oh, yeah? And the head was uh...
Tommy: Look, there's no such thing as bad head, it's just a matter of degrees.
Franco: Yeah, agreed. [to the girls next to him] Uh, girls what're you're names?
Heather: Heather.
Brittney: Brittney.
Franco: [to Tommy] What about Heather and Brittney? Where do those two names fall on the chart?
Tommy: Heather and Brittney I'd say... top 3.
Franco: Oh, yeah. It's my night.

TV Show: Rescue Me
[Tommy has just read an "anonymous" poem]
Franco: Holy shit.
Sean: Wow.
Lou: Powerful.
Tommy: Yeah, powerfully bad. It sucks.
Lou: I don't know, it's not that bad. It rhymes.
Tommy: Well, so what? My ten-year-old can make stuff rhyme, it doesn't mean he's the next, uh... [to Franco] Name a poet.
Sean: Angie Dickinson.
Tommy: Angie Dickinson from Police Woman?
Franco: Nah, I think you mean Emily Dickinson, The Belle of Amherst.
Sean: Right.
Tommy: You know poetry?
Franco: Nah, I jacked off to a picture of her once when I was 11.

TV Show: Rescue Me
Tommy: By the way, in the future, when you have something you wrote and you want me to read it, just bring it to me. I'll sit down, I'll read it, I'll digest it and I'll give you the most honest assessment that I can.
Lou: You'd do that?
Tommy: For you?
Lou: Yeah.
Tommy: No.

TV Show: Rescue Me