Everybody Hates Chris Quotes
[the kids are watching TV]
Greg: What are you doing?
Chris: Turning to MacGyver.
Greg: But I wanted to watch NOVA.
Tonya: NOVA?!? What is that?
Greg: It's a show on PBS about science as it relates to the universe.
Drew: Cool! That's almost like MacGyver.
Chris: Just like Lawrence Welk is like Soul Train.
Rochelle: Chris, Greg is your guest. Let him watch NOVA. [to Greg, serving dessert] Gelato?
Narrator: Is that Italian for "Jell-O?"
Greg: Thanks!
Narrator: I thought havin' Greg stay over would be fun. Probably what the Indians thought when they first saw Columbus.
Greg: What are you doing?
Chris: Turning to MacGyver.
Greg: But I wanted to watch NOVA.
Tonya: NOVA?!? What is that?
Greg: It's a show on PBS about science as it relates to the universe.
Drew: Cool! That's almost like MacGyver.
Chris: Just like Lawrence Welk is like Soul Train.
Rochelle: Chris, Greg is your guest. Let him watch NOVA. [to Greg, serving dessert] Gelato?
Narrator: Is that Italian for "Jell-O?"
Greg: Thanks!
Narrator: I thought havin' Greg stay over would be fun. Probably what the Indians thought when they first saw Columbus.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Eventually, the phone company started hangin' up on my father.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Monk: How come you don't do your homework like that, Chris?
Narrator: Because I'm too busy cuttin' up boxes.
Narrator: Because I'm too busy cuttin' up boxes.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: Why don't you just fly to Vegas?
Eddie: Oh, um... I'm, um... I'm claustrophobic.
Narrator: Not to mention truthophobic!
Eddie: Oh, um... I'm, um... I'm claustrophobic.
Narrator: Not to mention truthophobic!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Back at home, Greg and I were havin' our own stand-off, without the guns and the masculinity.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Meanwhile, in Las Vegas, my dad rolled the dice tryin' to reason with a madman.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Back at school, Greg was catching up on more than his studies.
Ms. Morello: What year did the American Revolution begin, Greg? Greg?!?
Greg: [waking up] 1942.
Ms. Morello: Greg, what's wrong with you? You're usually so alert.
Chris: It's because he's staying at my house for a week.
Ms. Morello: Oh my God, he's drunk?!? Did he have a 40 for breakfast?
Greg: I'm not drunk. I'm just not used to getting up so early.
Ms. Morello: Don't be ashamed. Chris' people have a history of being up when the rooster crows to go to work in the fields. Who could expect you to keep up? Go back to sleep.
Narrator: She was Don Imus in a dress.
Ms. Morello: What year did the American Revolution begin, Greg? Greg?!?
Greg: [waking up] 1942.
Ms. Morello: Greg, what's wrong with you? You're usually so alert.
Chris: It's because he's staying at my house for a week.
Ms. Morello: Oh my God, he's drunk?!? Did he have a 40 for breakfast?
Greg: I'm not drunk. I'm just not used to getting up so early.
Ms. Morello: Don't be ashamed. Chris' people have a history of being up when the rooster crows to go to work in the fields. Who could expect you to keep up? Go back to sleep.
Narrator: She was Don Imus in a dress.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: Hey, Greg. What's up?
Greg: My dad's going out of town for a week. I have to stay with my grandmother. Not looking forward to it.
Chris: Why not?
[Greg and his grandmother are at a German party and a banner saying "Willkommen Greg!" is above everyone]
Greg's Grandmother: Left, right, left heel, right, left, right...
Greg: My dad's going out of town for a week. I have to stay with my grandmother. Not looking forward to it.
Chris: Why not?
[Greg and his grandmother are at a German party and a banner saying "Willkommen Greg!" is above everyone]
Greg's Grandmother: Left, right, left heel, right, left, right...
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: [on the phone] Rochelle, it's me. Listen, I won't be home for dinner tonight. I have to take a passenger to Vegas.
Rochelle: Vegas?! Julius, are you crazy? What about your regular job?
Julius: I have a few sick days I can use. I'll be back by the end of the week.
Rochelle: Julius, you are not drivin' that cab to Vegas.
Julius: The guy's gonna pay me $1000.
Rochelle: Get me Wayne Newton's autograph. Bye! [hangs up]
Rochelle: Vegas?! Julius, are you crazy? What about your regular job?
Julius: I have a few sick days I can use. I'll be back by the end of the week.
Rochelle: Julius, you are not drivin' that cab to Vegas.
Julius: The guy's gonna pay me $1000.
Rochelle: Get me Wayne Newton's autograph. Bye! [hangs up]
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Greg: [angrily] Why didn't you wake me up?
Chris: You told me you didn't want me to do anything for you, so I didn't.
Greg: That didn't mean I wanted you to let me sleep through school. I missed the quarterly history test!
Chris: Well, maybe you shoulda gone to bed dressed as Superman. That way you coulda flown to school. [walks away]
Narrator: Good thing he doesn't have heat vision.
Chris: You told me you didn't want me to do anything for you, so I didn't.
Greg: That didn't mean I wanted you to let me sleep through school. I missed the quarterly history test!
Chris: Well, maybe you shoulda gone to bed dressed as Superman. That way you coulda flown to school. [walks away]
Narrator: Good thing he doesn't have heat vision.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: My dad had turned into Al Cowlings, and he didn't even know it.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: If my dad were alive to see the price of gas today, it'd kill him.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Greg's Grandmother: [to Greg] Why didn't you tell me they were Negroes? It's OK, but I would've appreciated a little warning.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: How was it havin' Greg over?
Chris: Cool. Can he stay over again sometime?
Rochelle: Are you nuts?! I never worked so hard in my entire life!
Drew: And I want my bed back!
Tonya: And she is not makin' me eat no more tofu.
Julius: Whoa, you gave your brother's bed to Greg?!
Drew: And you sit up here washin' dishes for the white man!
Tonya: And that little TV show NOVA was boring!
Rochelle: I'm tired of bein' a vegetarian short-order cook!
Chris: Cool. Can he stay over again sometime?
Rochelle: Are you nuts?! I never worked so hard in my entire life!
Drew: And I want my bed back!
Tonya: And she is not makin' me eat no more tofu.
Julius: Whoa, you gave your brother's bed to Greg?!
Drew: And you sit up here washin' dishes for the white man!
Tonya: And that little TV show NOVA was boring!
Rochelle: I'm tired of bein' a vegetarian short-order cook!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Greg: I can't decide on a hairstyle. I'm stuck between Verdine White and Dr. J.
Manny: I cannot cut your hair, Greg.
Greg: Why not?
Manny: First of all, your hair's not long enough to be Verdine White, and it's not curly enough to be Dr. J. I've never used these scissors on straight hair. I don't know what will happen. I'll start cuttin' your hair, man, sparks start flyin' everywhere, your whole head catch on fire. And I will NOT be sued by white people!
Manny: I cannot cut your hair, Greg.
Greg: Why not?
Manny: First of all, your hair's not long enough to be Verdine White, and it's not curly enough to be Dr. J. I've never used these scissors on straight hair. I don't know what will happen. I'll start cuttin' your hair, man, sparks start flyin' everywhere, your whole head catch on fire. And I will NOT be sued by white people!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: I got a good feeling about you and Karen. What's goin' on?
Cop: Come out with your hands up!
Eddie: Look, before you picked me up, I robbed a bank.
Julius: Robbed a bank?!
Eddie: And every place we stopped since we left Jersey.
Cop: Come out with your hands up!
Eddie: Look, before you picked me up, I robbed a bank.
Julius: Robbed a bank?!
Eddie: And every place we stopped since we left Jersey.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: By 1986, I'd been workin' at Doc's for three years. Outside of gettin' robbed four times, sick on the pickles three times, and a double hernia, it was the single greatest job I ever had.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Doc: Minimum wage. Shoot. There was a time when the maximum wage for black folks was zero.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: I decided on an ultimatum.
Chris: Doc, listen. I come in on time and I never leave early. I work hard, so I deserve minimum wage. And if you're not gonna give me a raise, I'm gonna have to leave. It's a matter of principles.
Doc: Is that an ultimatum?
Narrator: Well, is it?
Chris: Yeah.
Chris: Doc, listen. I come in on time and I never leave early. I work hard, so I deserve minimum wage. And if you're not gonna give me a raise, I'm gonna have to leave. It's a matter of principles.
Doc: Is that an ultimatum?
Narrator: Well, is it?
Chris: Yeah.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: I tried to get minimum wage while my father tried to get minimum sleep.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: If I developed a drug problem, my next job might be President.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: Girl, I am so excited! So, what styles do you have in mind?
Vanessa: Well, let me tell you about my follicular extravaganza.
Vanessa: Well, let me tell you about my follicular extravaganza.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: My mother imagined herself in the Eiffel Tower, the helicopter, and the black smacker.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: This was the first restaurant in Bed-Stuy without a bulletproof window. It was the bulletproof fish place, then the bulletproof salad bar, and the bulletproof hot dog stand.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Mr. Fong: What are you doing?
Chris: Oh, I finished the dishes, so I decided to start my homework.
Mr. Fong: No homework! You have work-work!
Chris: But Doc always let me start my homework.
Mr. Fong: Well, you are not at Doc's anymore! Go fix the menu numbers!
Narrator: I was gettin' minimum wage and havin' minimum fun.
Chris: Oh, I finished the dishes, so I decided to start my homework.
Mr. Fong: No homework! You have work-work!
Chris: But Doc always let me start my homework.
Mr. Fong: Well, you are not at Doc's anymore! Go fix the menu numbers!
Narrator: I was gettin' minimum wage and havin' minimum fun.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris