Columbo Quotes
Lt. Columbo: Well, if it was me, if it was my gun, I would take very good care of that gun. I'd have it in my apartment where people could see it. And I would keep it polished and I would keep it oiled. And I would keep it loaded. And when a certain Colonel Dutton came to see me and threatened to expose me, that's the gun that I would use.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: [At the exhibition of the General's war memorabilia] Hey, that's nice, isn't it? Isn't that beautifully cut? Custom tailored. You know, I think it's almost too nice. I mean all that concern about clothes. It's kinda vain, don't you think?
Helen Stewart: Some men, Lieutenant, do not want to look like an unmade bed.
Helen Stewart: Some men, Lieutenant, do not want to look like an unmade bed.
TV Show: Columbo
General Martin Hollister: [aboard the General's boat] I don't see how a man with the name of Columbo, shouldn't he be more at home on a boat?
Lt. Columbo: Must have been another branch of the family, sir. How soon before we land?
Lt. Columbo: Must have been another branch of the family, sir. How soon before we land?
TV Show: Columbo
General Martin Hollister: Look! What do you see?
Helen Stewart: Your house.
General Martin Hollister: And in the window?
Helen Stewart: I can't see anything because of the reflection of the sun on the water.
General Martin Hollister: You know, you said you saw a shooting there about this same time of day.
Helen Stewart: Your house.
General Martin Hollister: And in the window?
Helen Stewart: I can't see anything because of the reflection of the sun on the water.
General Martin Hollister: You know, you said you saw a shooting there about this same time of day.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: You know what strikes me? You're the one that downgrades yourself. One dinner with General Hollister and you begin to doubt your senses.
TV Show: Columbo
Dale Kingston: You notice, no matter how abstract the painter, he always signs his name realistically, doesn't he.
TV Show: Columbo
Dale Kingston: Wait a minute. You mean, you think the thief was a woman?
Lt. Columbo: One of them.
Dale Kingston: ONE of them?
Lt. Columbo: Well, there were too many pictures there for one person to carry, don't ya think? And besides, the burglar alarm thing, you know, there's only one way to really beat that, is if you have somebody else from the inside open the door.
Dale Kingston: I don't think I understand.
Lt. Columbo: You know what? That's the trouble. Neither do I.
Lt. Columbo: One of them.
Dale Kingston: ONE of them?
Lt. Columbo: Well, there were too many pictures there for one person to carry, don't ya think? And besides, the burglar alarm thing, you know, there's only one way to really beat that, is if you have somebody else from the inside open the door.
Dale Kingston: I don't think I understand.
Lt. Columbo: You know what? That's the trouble. Neither do I.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: You know that gallery you went to? Checked out. I hope you don't mind.
Dale Kingston: Oh, that's your job. And?
Lt. Columbo: Uh, the parking lot boy, he remembered when you got there, alright. So that if Mr. Mathews was killed at 11: 00 you sure didn't do it.
Dale Kingston: Now, isn't that a shame? And here I am your best and most obvious suspect, too.
Lt. Columbo: Ah, don't say things like that. Really, you got me all wrong.
Dale Kingston: Oh, that's your job. And?
Lt. Columbo: Uh, the parking lot boy, he remembered when you got there, alright. So that if Mr. Mathews was killed at 11: 00 you sure didn't do it.
Dale Kingston: Now, isn't that a shame? And here I am your best and most obvious suspect, too.
Lt. Columbo: Ah, don't say things like that. Really, you got me all wrong.
TV Show: Columbo
Gloria: Look, I mean I said he wasn't a very strong person. But then who is? I mean, look at me. I eat carbohydrates all the time.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Uh, so this is a television studio, huh?
Dale Kingston: Yes.
Lt. Columbo: Quite a place!
Dale Kingston: Well, it's a barn, really. I'm sure it's not as glamorous as you thought it'd be.
Lt. Columbo: That's right, it isn't. But things aren't really what they seem to be, are they?
Dale Kingston: [sarcastically] My, how observant you are!
Dale Kingston: Yes.
Lt. Columbo: Quite a place!
Dale Kingston: Well, it's a barn, really. I'm sure it's not as glamorous as you thought it'd be.
Lt. Columbo: That's right, it isn't. But things aren't really what they seem to be, are they?
Dale Kingston: [sarcastically] My, how observant you are!
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: [to upset Mrs. Matthews] Now I want you to go right ahead and I want you to forget about all this. Just do what my wife does. 'Cause when she hits a department store, she just can forget anything, even the fact that I'm sitting outside waiting.
TV Show: Columbo
Dale Kingston: Alright, Lieutenant, you claim that I planted these paintings. Suppose you prove it.
Lt. Columbo: [looking at the fingerprint expert] Can we?
Expert: Yeah.
Lt. Columbo: [looking back at Kingston] Yeah. With fingerprints.
Lt. Columbo: [looking at the fingerprint expert] Can we?
Expert: Yeah.
Lt. Columbo: [looking back at Kingston] Yeah. With fingerprints.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Well, you see, he pulled the rug out from under you when he left his collection to Mrs. Mathews so you only had one thing that you could do-- murder him and blame it on her.
TV Show: Columbo
Doris Buckner: Roger, I called the Commissioner of Police and he said he'd send over his very best man?
Roger Sanford: [looking at Columbo] Is that a fact?
Lt. Columbo: Well, my wife, she says I'm second best but, uh, she claims there are 80 fellas tied for first.
Roger Sanford: [looking at Columbo] Is that a fact?
Lt. Columbo: Well, my wife, she says I'm second best but, uh, she claims there are 80 fellas tied for first.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: See, now there you go. You're looking at your watch again.
Roger Sanford: Will you do me a favor? Will you please keep quiet?
Lt. Columbo: Why? It's only a dumb theory of mine.
Roger Sanford: Will you do me a favor? Will you please keep quiet?
Lt. Columbo: Why? It's only a dumb theory of mine.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: You know something, Roger? The truth is hard to find sometimes. Sometimes it's right in front of you and you can't prove it.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Now you see, my problem with Chemistry, that started way back in high school 'cause in my junior year I, I had to get a better grade. So I said to heck with this Chemistry stuff. I'll take another year of wood shop. You know, you just build a birdhouse and if you paint it red you get an A.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Anyway, what I was going to ask you is this-- How much do you make?
Alex Benedict: I think that is very impertinent, how much do I make.
Lt. Columbo: Tours?
Alex Benedict: I don't know.
Lt. Columbo: Concerts?
Alex Benedict: I don't know.
Lt. Columbo: Publishing?
Alex Benedict: I don't know.
Lt. Columbo: Well, et cetera, et cetera. I make $11,000 a year. I got $750,000 for the house, $8,000 in taxes, 200 in furniture. How much help do you have?
Alex Benedict: I have five including the gardener.
Lt. Columbo: You got that and the money plus, plus, plus. 11,000 times 10 years, 110,000. 110,000 times 100 years is 1.1 million. Well, let's say 900,000. That's 90 years work for me just to live here, without eating.
Alex Benedict: I think that is very impertinent, how much do I make.
Lt. Columbo: Tours?
Alex Benedict: I don't know.
Lt. Columbo: Concerts?
Alex Benedict: I don't know.
Lt. Columbo: Publishing?
Alex Benedict: I don't know.
Lt. Columbo: Well, et cetera, et cetera. I make $11,000 a year. I got $750,000 for the house, $8,000 in taxes, 200 in furniture. How much help do you have?
Alex Benedict: I have five including the gardener.
Lt. Columbo: You got that and the money plus, plus, plus. 11,000 times 10 years, 110,000. 110,000 times 100 years is 1.1 million. Well, let's say 900,000. That's 90 years work for me just to live here, without eating.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Listen Paul, do you happen to know the name of the other guy?
Paul Rifkin: I never asked.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, sure. I mean, why would a guy ask his girl the name of the other man.
Paul Rifkin: I never asked.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, sure. I mean, why would a guy ask his girl the name of the other man.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Oh, listen, just one more thing. I know you don't agree but at least I've convinced my superiors that Jennifer Welles was murdered. It was not a suicide and they've officially assigned me to the case. That's my specialty, you know. Homicide.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: I happened to be in the neighborhood today. That's not true. I really came out here to see you. I don't want to appear presumptious.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: I can't imagine anyone murdering themselves, especially a young girl like that. Beautiful eyes. But that's me. I'd like to see everyone die of old age.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: [looking at film, calls to projectionist] Freeze! [points to screen] There's the flower! Now that's plain as day! Where did it come from?
Alex Benedict: I don't know. What difference does it make?
Lt. Columbo: Well, on the tape at the concert you weren't wearing a flower. Now on this film coming out of Miss Well's apartment, you have a flower. Where did it come from?
Alex Benedict: Are you actually trying to pin this murder on me with, with that?
Lt. Columbo: Yes.
Alex Benedict: I don't know. What difference does it make?
Lt. Columbo: Well, on the tape at the concert you weren't wearing a flower. Now on this film coming out of Miss Well's apartment, you have a flower. Where did it come from?
Alex Benedict: Are you actually trying to pin this murder on me with, with that?
Lt. Columbo: Yes.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: You see that?
Jarvis Goodland: What is it?
Lt. Columbo: Third bullet. Also a 32-caliber and also proven by Ballistics to have been fired by the same weapon that fired the first two bullets. Mr. Goodland, I just don't know how you're gonna explain this.
Jarvis Goodland: What is it?
Lt. Columbo: Third bullet. Also a 32-caliber and also proven by Ballistics to have been fired by the same weapon that fired the first two bullets. Mr. Goodland, I just don't know how you're gonna explain this.
TV Show: Columbo
Sgt. Wilson: I asked permission from Captain Richey to work right along side you, sir.
Lt. Columbo: [dismayed] You're going to work along with me?
Sgt. Wilson: I do hope that's acceptable to you, sir. Uh, Captain Richey did say you were fast becoming [pause] a legend in the department.
Lt. Columbo: Captain Richey said that?
Sgt. Wilson: Oh yes, indeed.
Lt. Columbo: [pleased] Oh.
Lt. Columbo: [dismayed] You're going to work along with me?
Sgt. Wilson: I do hope that's acceptable to you, sir. Uh, Captain Richey did say you were fast becoming [pause] a legend in the department.
Lt. Columbo: Captain Richey said that?
Sgt. Wilson: Oh yes, indeed.
Lt. Columbo: [pleased] Oh.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: It's a little... steep. But I'll tell ya, it was the quickest way down.
Sgt. Wilson: Oh, by far, sir.
Sgt. Wilson: Oh, by far, sir.
TV Show: Columbo
Sgt. Wilson: Lieutenant-- Lieutenant? As you probably noticed, there are 3 cups, 3 plates, 3 different brands of cigarettes. That means there were two persons here besides the victim. That's obvious.
Lt. Columbo: Yeah. Awfully obvious.
Lt. Columbo: Yeah. Awfully obvious.
TV Show: Columbo
Sgt. Wilson: Did you ever see one of these before, Lieutentant?
Lt. Columbo: Uh, no, not sure I have. Looks kind of familiar, though.
Sgt. Wilson: It's a camera mounted starlight scope. They use them quite a bit at Burglary for night work.
Lt. Columbo: You mean that takes pictures in the dark?
Sgt. Wilson: [nods] I bought this one myself.
Lt. Columbo: You used your own money?
Sgt. Wilson: Well, I wanted to have the best equipment for the job, sir.
Lt. Columbo: You must be a bachelor.
Lt. Columbo: Uh, no, not sure I have. Looks kind of familiar, though.
Sgt. Wilson: It's a camera mounted starlight scope. They use them quite a bit at Burglary for night work.
Lt. Columbo: You mean that takes pictures in the dark?
Sgt. Wilson: [nods] I bought this one myself.
Lt. Columbo: You used your own money?
Sgt. Wilson: Well, I wanted to have the best equipment for the job, sir.
Lt. Columbo: You must be a bachelor.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Uh, sir?
Walter Cunnell: Yes?
Lt. Columbo: You don't mind if I ask you a personal question, do you?
Walter Cunnell: No.
Lt. Columbo: What'd you pay for those shoes?
Walter Cunnell: I think about 60 dollars.
Lt. Columbo: I stepped into some water yesterday and ruined mine. You don't know where I could find a pair that looks like that for around 16 or 17?
Walter Cunnell: 16 or 17? Sorry, I don't really, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Thank you.
Walter Cunnell: Yes?
Lt. Columbo: You don't mind if I ask you a personal question, do you?
Walter Cunnell: No.
Lt. Columbo: What'd you pay for those shoes?
Walter Cunnell: I think about 60 dollars.
Lt. Columbo: I stepped into some water yesterday and ruined mine. You don't know where I could find a pair that looks like that for around 16 or 17?
Walter Cunnell: 16 or 17? Sorry, I don't really, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Thank you.
TV Show: Columbo
Paul Hanlon: Columbo, I'm trying to watch this game! What is it?
Lt. Columbo: You know, you did the same thing the first time I came in here last Sunday. I guess that's what started me wondering.
Paul Hanlon: I did what?
Lt. Columbo: You turned the radio down but not quite off. When I told you that Eric Wagner was dead. It's alright. I do the same thing. You know, when I'm listening to the game and my wife interrupts, I can't help myself. I want to hear that game and I don't care how the important the interruption.
Paul Hanlon: [annoyed] Your wife has my sympathy.
Lt. Columbo: You know, you did the same thing the first time I came in here last Sunday. I guess that's what started me wondering.
Paul Hanlon: I did what?
Lt. Columbo: You turned the radio down but not quite off. When I told you that Eric Wagner was dead. It's alright. I do the same thing. You know, when I'm listening to the game and my wife interrupts, I can't help myself. I want to hear that game and I don't care how the important the interruption.
Paul Hanlon: [annoyed] Your wife has my sympathy.
TV Show: Columbo