Columbo Quotes
Lt. Columbo: [At an art gallery] Uh, now this here. I see it doesn't have a title.
Francine: That?
Lt. Columbo: Yeah.
Francine: That, sir, is the ventilator for the air conditioning.
Lt. Columbo: Oh. That's the ventilator?
Francine: Yeah.
Lt. Columbo: Oh. [blushes] I'm embarrassed.
Francine: Oh, no.
Lt. Columbo: You won't tell anybody?
Francine: Of course not. You know, I think you would appreciate the more traditional things. If you'll come with me, we have some beautiful landscapes upstairs. If you'd like to come and I'll show you--
Lt. Columbo: Well, I'll tell you the truth about that, ma'am. I've got plenty of landscapes. Thank you very much. You see, my wife, she paints a little.
Francine: Oh, does she?
Lt. Columbo: Yeah. She buys those canvases with the numbers on them. You've seen 'em around. Yeah, you fill the spaces with the paints that have the corresponding numbers. They turn out pretty good.
Francine: That?
Lt. Columbo: Yeah.
Francine: That, sir, is the ventilator for the air conditioning.
Lt. Columbo: Oh. That's the ventilator?
Francine: Yeah.
Lt. Columbo: Oh. [blushes] I'm embarrassed.
Francine: Oh, no.
Lt. Columbo: You won't tell anybody?
Francine: Of course not. You know, I think you would appreciate the more traditional things. If you'll come with me, we have some beautiful landscapes upstairs. If you'd like to come and I'll show you--
Lt. Columbo: Well, I'll tell you the truth about that, ma'am. I've got plenty of landscapes. Thank you very much. You see, my wife, she paints a little.
Francine: Oh, does she?
Lt. Columbo: Yeah. She buys those canvases with the numbers on them. You've seen 'em around. Yeah, you fill the spaces with the paints that have the corresponding numbers. They turn out pretty good.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Good afternoon, Mr. Van Wyck.
Harold Van Wyck: Oh, what is it? A new experiment?
Lt. Columbo: I'm sorry to bother you again so soon.
Harold Van Wyck: Perhaps it would be more convenient for you, Lieutenant, if you'd just move into one of our guest rooms.
Harold Van Wyck: Oh, what is it? A new experiment?
Lt. Columbo: I'm sorry to bother you again so soon.
Harold Van Wyck: Perhaps it would be more convenient for you, Lieutenant, if you'd just move into one of our guest rooms.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: [talking to the gate man] So ordinarily he'd pull up in a car and tell you where he's going and you would come in here and you would record it on a log. But tonight he wrote it on a magazine in advance. I've got this funny habit. You know, when a person does something one way and then he suddenly does something another way I immediately think...[taps head]. I'm sure it doesn't mean anything.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: This is this. This is what you presented at the art show the night of the murder. The problem is it was on the desk immediately after the shooting. How did it get to the art gallery? By your own testimony you took it there. But in order to get it off the desk you practically had to step over the body. That woman was shot BEFORE you left the house... and you shot her.
TV Show: Columbo
Dr. Mark Collier: Am I to presume that I'm currently your chief suspect?
Lt. Columbo: I'm not sure suspect is a strong enough word.
Dr. Mark Collier: In that case, I should be locked up. Of course, I'm not. Therefore, I presume you have no proof.
Lt. Columbo: Not yet.
Dr. Mark Collier: You'll let me know when you do, won't you?
Lt. Columbo: You will be the first to know, Doctor.
Lt. Columbo: I'm not sure suspect is a strong enough word.
Dr. Mark Collier: In that case, I should be locked up. Of course, I'm not. Therefore, I presume you have no proof.
Lt. Columbo: Not yet.
Dr. Mark Collier: You'll let me know when you do, won't you?
Lt. Columbo: You will be the first to know, Doctor.
TV Show: Columbo
Dr. Mark Collier: Do you know, Lieutenant, you're a marvelously deceptive man. You know, how you get to the point without really ever getting to the point.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: See, that's a European car. You know, they have the thin tires.
Sgt. Kramer: Yeah, I know. Our tires are wider.
Lt. Columbo: But I don't see any European cars here, only my car.
Sgt. Kramer: You got a European car?
Lt. Columbo: That's a French car. Yeah, my car's French.
Sgt. Kramer: Yeah, I know. Our tires are wider.
Lt. Columbo: But I don't see any European cars here, only my car.
Sgt. Kramer: You got a European car?
Lt. Columbo: That's a French car. Yeah, my car's French.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: I have an eyewitness, Dr. Collier. An eyewitness that will place you at the head of the Donner driveway at 5: 30 Monday afternoon. But the eyewitness is not Mr. Morris. The eyewitness is you.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: I wonder if you could help me out with this thing here. Uh, my wife is a terrific dancer and a very good singer but I got two left feet and when it comes to dancing in public, you know, I get self-conscious so, and so she always has to sit it out. Is there something, uh, what can you do for a problem like that?
Ned Diamond: Become a critic.
Ned Diamond: Become a critic.
TV Show: Columbo
Sgt. Leftkowski: You know, Lieutenant, uh, I'm in the homicide office at least, uh, once a week. I don't think I've ever seen you there.
Lt. Columbo: Well, I don't get down there too much. None of the murders take place there you know.
Lt. Columbo: Well, I don't get down there too much. None of the murders take place there you know.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: From my experience, ma'am, I've discovered that people don't usually forget to do that which they usually do.
Grace Wheeler: That's very confusing.
Lt. Columbo: It sounds that way. I'm trying to reconstruct something that Dr. Willis must have done just before he died.
Grace Wheeler: That's very confusing.
Lt. Columbo: It sounds that way. I'm trying to reconstruct something that Dr. Willis must have done just before he died.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: This is a beautiful piece, sir. You know, we have one just like this back on the dining room table in our house. Almost the same design.
Hassan Salah: This is third century. It's worth several thousand dollars.
Lt. Columbo: No kidding! Gee, I think my wife got ours at the farmer's market. Well, I guess ours is just a copy.
Hassan Salah: This is third century. It's worth several thousand dollars.
Lt. Columbo: No kidding! Gee, I think my wife got ours at the farmer's market. Well, I guess ours is just a copy.
TV Show: Columbo
Captain August: Mr. Morgan is with the Protocol Department, Columbo. There's been a complaint lodged against you by the Suarian legation.
Kermit Morgan: A complaint of police harassment by First Secretary Hassan Salah. The feeling expressed to me is you've been engaging in a personal vendetta.
Lt. Columbo: Well, there's no vendetta involved here. Just trying to catch a man who murdered two Suarian nationals along with robbing the legation of $600,000.
Kermit Morgan: Yes, I'm sure but you're working in delicate and apparently unfamiliar waters, Lieutenant. You can't push around diplomatic personnel the way you would common criminals in the street. It's in the best interest of our government if there are no further contacts between yourself and First Secretary Salah.
Lt. Columbo: Well, that's all very well and good except for one thing.
Captain August: What is that, Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: He's the murderer.
Kermit Morgan: A complaint of police harassment by First Secretary Hassan Salah. The feeling expressed to me is you've been engaging in a personal vendetta.
Lt. Columbo: Well, there's no vendetta involved here. Just trying to catch a man who murdered two Suarian nationals along with robbing the legation of $600,000.
Kermit Morgan: Yes, I'm sure but you're working in delicate and apparently unfamiliar waters, Lieutenant. You can't push around diplomatic personnel the way you would common criminals in the street. It's in the best interest of our government if there are no further contacts between yourself and First Secretary Salah.
Lt. Columbo: Well, that's all very well and good except for one thing.
Captain August: What is that, Lieutenant?
Lt. Columbo: He's the murderer.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Where's the King?
Zena: Oh, he's here.
Lt. Columbo: You know, it looks good, those robes. Do you think they look good, I mean for a man?
Zena: Oh yes, I do.
Lt. Columbo: What do they cost?
Zena: I'm afraid I don't know.
Lt. Columbo: How come the King doesn't wear one? It's not because he can't afford it, I know that.
Zena: You seem to be interested in clothes.
Lt. Columbo: Shoes. These are new. $16.95.
Zena: Oh, he's here.
Lt. Columbo: You know, it looks good, those robes. Do you think they look good, I mean for a man?
Zena: Oh yes, I do.
Lt. Columbo: What do they cost?
Zena: I'm afraid I don't know.
Lt. Columbo: How come the King doesn't wear one? It's not because he can't afford it, I know that.
Zena: You seem to be interested in clothes.
Lt. Columbo: Shoes. These are new. $16.95.
TV Show: Columbo
Hassan Salah: You were saying you were apprehensive about your employment, is that it?
Lt. Columbo: I beg you not to send a letter to the State Department. I apologize but more than anything else I want to shake your hand. You're the best.
Hassan Salah: To what do I owe this tribute?
Lt. Columbo: You beat me. That's it. I got beat, plain and simple.
Hassan Salah: True.
Lt. Columbo: I know you did it. But, well, you can't win 'em all, sir.
Hassan Salah: You're very gracious, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Thank you.
Lt. Columbo: I beg you not to send a letter to the State Department. I apologize but more than anything else I want to shake your hand. You're the best.
Hassan Salah: To what do I owe this tribute?
Lt. Columbo: You beat me. That's it. I got beat, plain and simple.
Hassan Salah: True.
Lt. Columbo: I know you did it. But, well, you can't win 'em all, sir.
Hassan Salah: You're very gracious, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Thank you.
TV Show: Columbo
Hassan Salah: Lieutenant! I beg you.
Lt. Columbo: The trouble is, sir, you're right. That is, all the evidence is circumstanial. It's just bits and pieces. I don't think any of it is gonna stand up in court.
Hassan Salah: A confession! If I signed a confession..?
Lt. Columbo: Well, I'm not sure. Your Majesty?
The King: I shall abide by your decision, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: [pulls the form from his pocket] Well, in that case, just sign by the red X. Three copies if you don't mind.
Lt. Columbo: The trouble is, sir, you're right. That is, all the evidence is circumstanial. It's just bits and pieces. I don't think any of it is gonna stand up in court.
Hassan Salah: A confession! If I signed a confession..?
Lt. Columbo: Well, I'm not sure. Your Majesty?
The King: I shall abide by your decision, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: [pulls the form from his pocket] Well, in that case, just sign by the red X. Three copies if you don't mind.
TV Show: Columbo
Nelson Brenner: The thing about my being a double agent was only a rumor.
Geronimo: The agency doesn't deal in facts, only in rumors.
Geronimo: The agency doesn't deal in facts, only in rumors.
TV Show: Columbo
Salvadore Delfonte: You worry about the Chinese. I tell you don't worry about the Chinese. You know why; 'cause they can pull out of the Olympics, but they can't pull out of soy beans.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: What do you have to win one of those?
Shooting gallery attendant: Hit the ducks, ten in a row.
Lt. Columbo: My wife would go for one of those.
Shooting gallery attendant: No way, Lieutenant, you're a pro...
Lt. Columbo: Aw, forget about it. If I'm standing on the dock, I couldn't hit the water.
Shooting gallery attendant: Hit the ducks, ten in a row.
Lt. Columbo: My wife would go for one of those.
Shooting gallery attendant: No way, Lieutenant, you're a pro...
Lt. Columbo: Aw, forget about it. If I'm standing on the dock, I couldn't hit the water.
TV Show: Columbo
Nelson Brenner: Lietenant, I think I should warn you that I'm not an unworldly man. I have powerful important friends, even in the police department. I respectfully request that you do not harass me.
Lt. Columbo: Why sir, I would NEVER do that.
Nelson Brenner: Yes, I quite understand your problem. But you must understand mine, it's a bizarre situation.
Lt. Columbo: Why sir, I would NEVER do that.
Nelson Brenner: Yes, I quite understand your problem. But you must understand mine, it's a bizarre situation.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Just between us, sir...
Nelson Brenner: Um-uh.
Lt. Columbo: Somebody's following me.
Nelson Brenner: Now who would be following a cop?
Lt. Columbo: That's what I'm trying to figure out. Can't be the collection company. The car's paid for.
Nelson Brenner: Um-uh.
Lt. Columbo: Somebody's following me.
Nelson Brenner: Now who would be following a cop?
Lt. Columbo: That's what I'm trying to figure out. Can't be the collection company. The car's paid for.
TV Show: Columbo
Nelson Brenner: What would you like in the way of libation?
Lt. Columbo: Oh, nothing when I'm on duty.
Nelson Brenner: But you're finished for the day, aren't you?
Lt. Columbo: Well, nearly, sir. Do you have any wine?
Nelson Brenner: A cellar full.
Lt. Columbo: Just a glass.
Nelson Brenner: What kind would you like?
Lt. Columbo: Oooh, red.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, nothing when I'm on duty.
Nelson Brenner: But you're finished for the day, aren't you?
Lt. Columbo: Well, nearly, sir. Do you have any wine?
Nelson Brenner: A cellar full.
Lt. Columbo: Just a glass.
Nelson Brenner: What kind would you like?
Lt. Columbo: Oooh, red.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Do you like to play these games?
Nelson Riddle: Yes, indeed.
Lt. Columbo: Do you like to gamble, sir?
Nelson Riddle: What else is there?
Nelson Riddle: Yes, indeed.
Lt. Columbo: Do you like to gamble, sir?
Nelson Riddle: What else is there?
TV Show: Columbo
Comandante Sanchez: I see you're a thorough man, Lieutenant, but the bull did kill Rangel.
Lt. Columbo: Yes I can see that but its important to be thorough, especially when a man dies alone.
Lt. Columbo: Yes I can see that but its important to be thorough, especially when a man dies alone.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: [referring to bullfighting] I don't know how you fight a thing like that and make a living.
Luis Montoya: It's more than a living, Lieutenant. It's a way of life.
Lt. Columbo: I have to tell you the truth. I don't think I would enjoy watching a man kill an animal, even as big and mean as he is.
Luis Montoya: Perhaps you would prefer the spectacle of two men in a prize ring beating each other senseless. Or murdering an innocent deer with a rifle. Or catching a fish with another one which is still alive. Our culture is different from yours, Lieutenant. No better or worse, perhaps, but different.
Luis Montoya: It's more than a living, Lieutenant. It's a way of life.
Lt. Columbo: I have to tell you the truth. I don't think I would enjoy watching a man kill an animal, even as big and mean as he is.
Luis Montoya: Perhaps you would prefer the spectacle of two men in a prize ring beating each other senseless. Or murdering an innocent deer with a rifle. Or catching a fish with another one which is still alive. Our culture is different from yours, Lieutenant. No better or worse, perhaps, but different.
TV Show: Columbo
Comandante Sanchez: I hope you understand, Luis, that the Lieutenant is here as my guest. He has no official status.
Luis Montoya: So inquisitive. I find him amusing.
Luis Montoya: So inquisitive. I find him amusing.
TV Show: Columbo
Comandante Sanchez: Montoya must have a motive.
Lt. Columbo: Yes, every man has a motive.
Lt. Columbo: Yes, every man has a motive.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: That shows you I don't know much about bullfighting.
Jaime Delgado: Is that all, senor?
Lt. Columbo: You know, I think my wife was right. There's something wrong with me. I'm supposed to be on vacation, and right away I'm thinking like a cop. That's called, uh, occupational hazard.
Jaime Delgado: Occupational hazard, what is that?
Lt. Columbo: That's, uh, when wherever you go, you take your work with you.
Jaime Delgado: Oh, I see. We call that loco.
Jaime Delgado: Is that all, senor?
Lt. Columbo: You know, I think my wife was right. There's something wrong with me. I'm supposed to be on vacation, and right away I'm thinking like a cop. That's called, uh, occupational hazard.
Jaime Delgado: Occupational hazard, what is that?
Lt. Columbo: That's, uh, when wherever you go, you take your work with you.
Jaime Delgado: Oh, I see. We call that loco.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: May I ask you a personal question, sir?
Luis Montoya: Oh, by all means, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Did you injure your leg in the bull ring?
Luis Montoya: [nodding] On the Plaza Del Toros, Mexico. It was the wound that ended my career. And, ironically, it wasn't even the bull I was supposed to fight. You see, I was appearing mano a mano with a young matador who froze, and the bull gored him. I jumped to his rescue, and I too, was gored, badly, here. They tried to take me to the infirmiry along with the young matador, but I refused to go. Despite the blood flowing from my would, I stayed in the bull and I did one of the best fights of my career. I killed the bull with one thrust. The people loved it! They stood up and gave me an electrifying ovation. Two ears and a tail! That was my last fight.
Lt. Columbo: Well, that must have taken a lot of courage, sir.
Luis Montoya: [smiling] Well, it would be a difficult thing for me to do now with this leg.
Luis Montoya: Oh, by all means, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Did you injure your leg in the bull ring?
Luis Montoya: [nodding] On the Plaza Del Toros, Mexico. It was the wound that ended my career. And, ironically, it wasn't even the bull I was supposed to fight. You see, I was appearing mano a mano with a young matador who froze, and the bull gored him. I jumped to his rescue, and I too, was gored, badly, here. They tried to take me to the infirmiry along with the young matador, but I refused to go. Despite the blood flowing from my would, I stayed in the bull and I did one of the best fights of my career. I killed the bull with one thrust. The people loved it! They stood up and gave me an electrifying ovation. Two ears and a tail! That was my last fight.
Lt. Columbo: Well, that must have taken a lot of courage, sir.
Luis Montoya: [smiling] Well, it would be a difficult thing for me to do now with this leg.
TV Show: Columbo
Jesse Jerome: No, no, dear man, we've been over this before.
Santini: Jerome, I'm bored with your bleeding me. I'm afraid we're going to have to make a change in our little arrangement.
Jesse Jerone: There are no changes...Sergeant Mueller! You see how the very mention of that name renders you completely helpless. You keep forgetting that I know who you are, and where you came from.
Santini: I was 21. I was merely a boy.
Jesse Jerome: No one in the S.S. was "merely a boy", Mueller. No one in the camps was just a boy. Unless he was being taken into the oven. Don't misunderstand me. If you push me, I will tell. The newspapers, the immigration service, The Israelis-- yes, the Israelis! Oh, how they's love to get their hands on you.
Santini: I think not. I'm far too valuable for you.
Jesse Jerome: You call that value?
Santini: Mmm-hmmm.
Jesse Jerome: I'd do much better turning you in right now, while I still have the chance, before you break in here again, trying to find the old man's letter.
Santini: Jerome, I'm bored with your bleeding me. I'm afraid we're going to have to make a change in our little arrangement.
Jesse Jerone: There are no changes...Sergeant Mueller! You see how the very mention of that name renders you completely helpless. You keep forgetting that I know who you are, and where you came from.
Santini: I was 21. I was merely a boy.
Jesse Jerome: No one in the S.S. was "merely a boy", Mueller. No one in the camps was just a boy. Unless he was being taken into the oven. Don't misunderstand me. If you push me, I will tell. The newspapers, the immigration service, The Israelis-- yes, the Israelis! Oh, how they's love to get their hands on you.
Santini: I think not. I'm far too valuable for you.
Jesse Jerome: You call that value?
Santini: Mmm-hmmm.
Jesse Jerome: I'd do much better turning you in right now, while I still have the chance, before you break in here again, trying to find the old man's letter.
TV Show: Columbo