Community Quotes

Shirley: Isn't Abed's dad like a hardcore Muslim? They're not as forgiving as Christians. He'll cut your head off with a salami sword.
Annie Edison: Shirley! That is the most racist thing I've ever heard.
Jeff Winger: Pierce will top that in one minute.

TV Show: Community
Troy: [as Abed lays down a beat, Troy raps] ¿Dónde está la biblioteca? Me llamo T-Bone, la araña discoteca.
Abed: Discoteca, muñeca, la biblioteca, es en la bigote grande, perro, manteca.
Troy: Manteca, bigote, gigante, pequeña, cabeza es mi helada. Cerveza es bueno!
Abed: Buenas Días! Me gusta papas frías! La bigote de la cabra es Cameron Diaz. Yeah, Boy!
Troy: Yeah! What!
Abed: Yeah. It's 2009.
Troy: Word!

TV Show: Community
Jeff Winger: There is a guy trying out for the track team that is older than the game of poker.

TV Show: Community
Jenny Cross: In Jennyism, we do chores after dinner.
Jenny Cross: It's a sign of respect to the almighty teen.

TV Show: Community
Pierce Hawthorne: Ay-bed, your social skills aren't exactly "streets ahead." Know what I mean?
Abed Nadir: [thinks] I don't.
Jeff Winger: You're not alone in this case. Pierce, stop trying to coin the phrase "streets ahead."
Pierce Hawthorne: Trying? [laughs]
Pierce Hawthorne: Coined and minted! Been there, coined that! "Streets ahead" is verbal... wildfire!
Annie Edison: Does it just mean "cool," or is it supposed to be like, "miles ahead"?
Pierce Hawthorne: [scoffs] If you have to ask, you're streets behind.

TV Show: Community
Rhea: Did you dream?
Rhea: You'll be having vivid ones from now on.
Rhea: This is a magical place.
Rhea: Whatever you're avoiding, they'll make you face.

TV Show: Community
Britta: Wait, so... so, this is a game to you? You put human beings into a state of emotional shambles for a shot at getting in my pants?
Jeff: Why can't you see that for the compliment that it is?

TV Show: Community
Duncan: I'm a professor. You can't talk to me that way!
Jeff: A six-year-old girl could talk to you that way!
Duncan: Yes, because that would be adorable!
Jeff: No, because you're a five-year-old girl and there's a pecking order!

TV Show: Community
Jeff: I discovered at a very early age that if I talked for long enough, I could make people believe whatever I wanted them to. So, either, I'm God or truth is relative. Either way, booyah.

TV Show: Community
Pierce: Of course, it didn't help any that I can't have children. I'm not sterile; in fact, it's a rare condition called hyper-virility. Apparently my sperm shoot through the egg like bullets. Can you believe that?
Jeff: I can't. But you can, so that's fine.

TV Show: Community
Señor Chang: [On seeing Jeff and Pierce's presentation materials] Why are there costumes involved? These are short conversations, they're not supposed to take...
Jeff: ...Your breath away? Well, tough.

TV Show: Community
Abed: I'm interested in making movies, but my dad says all media is Western propaganda that negatively stereotypes Arabs.
Troy: He should see Aladdin. Jafar was a badass!

TV Show: Community
Mr. Nadir: Where do I find Mr. Britta?
Britta: I'm Mr. Britta. That's right. I'm a woman, with rights, and you can see my whole face.
Mr. Nadir: Oh, I get it, because I'm Arab I must hate women. Let me tell you something: I love women; in fact, I'm getting a major B-word vibe from you.
Jeff: Wow, I can't believe I missed out on getting involved in this!
Mr. Nadir: [to Jeff] You go host American Idol. [to Britta] And you stop messing with my son, he's a special boy. I raise him, OK? You don't raise him!
Britta: Raising him means letting him follow his dreams.
Mr. Nadir: Dreams are for sleeping.
Britta: You don't know that!
Mr. Nadir: It's clinically proven!
Britta: So's Polio!
Mr. Nadir: You lost me!

TV Show: Community
Annie: This is really important to me, Abed. Could you please go as my friend? My really good friend?
Abed: Well, I didn't realize we were really good friends. I figured we were more like Chandler and Phoebe; they never really had stories together. ...Sure, I'll do it, Chandler.

TV Show: Community
[Britta and Jeff are talking about Vaughn]
Britta: I'm just worried that he's thinking a little bit more intensely about this thing than I am. He says stuff, you know, after...
Jeff Winger:
Britta: After...
Jeff: ...dinner mints?
Britta: After...
Jeff: ...not having sex?

TV Show: Community
Dr. Duncan: Listen, I wanted to ask you about that young lady in your Spanish class. You know, the blonde, with the pouty, strident, Cate Blanchett sexuality, and the ridiculous name.
Jeff: Britta.
Dr. Duncan: That’s it. Can you imagine living with that? Can you imagine? Unbelievable. Anyway, um, are you two an item, and if so, would that item be impervious to sabotage?
Jeff: You know, you have the savoir faire of a hyena. How is that that you and James Bond come from the same island?
Dr. Duncan: Message received. I'll just wait for you to finish striking out first.
Jeff: Cheers.
Abed: M*A*S*H.
Dr. Duncan: Fawlty Towers. Game over. Have a nice day.

TV Show: Community
Dean Pelton: Now, are those the high heel boots he was talking about?
Britta: Yes.
Dean Pelton: Are they comfortable?
Britta: Yeah.
Dean Pelton: I’m just curious, they’re cute.
. . .
Dean Pelton: Well, it certainly sounds to me that this young lady's only crime is being a hero and wanting to be taller.

TV Show: Community
Jeff: I'm saying, you're a football player. It's in your blood!
Troy: That's racist.
Jeff: Your soul.
Troy: That's racist.
Jeff: Your eyes?
Troy: That's gay?
Jeff: That's homophobic.
Troy: That's black.
Jeff: That's racist.
Troy: Damn.

TV Show: Community
Troy: Hip, hop, body don't stop. Riverside got the broom, don't need a mop. Put your team in the box, put a ribbon on top, we're not John Kerry 'cause we don't flip-flop.
Annie: Troy, why are you doing our politically conservative high school's shamefully outdated fight rap?
. . .
Troy Barnes: Bing, bong, sing along. Your team's Al Gore 'cause your views are wrong.

TV Show: Community
Jeff: Batman. Are you staying for the party?
Abed: [in Batman costume] If I stay, there can be no party. I must be out there in the night, staying vigilant.
Wherever a party needs to be saved, I'm there.
Wherever there are masks, wherever there's tomfoolery and joy, I'm there.
But sometimes I'm not cause I'm out in the night, staying vigilant.
Watching. Lurking. Running. Jumping. Hurtling. Sleeping.
No, I can't sleep. You sleep. I'm awake. I don't sleep. I don't blink. Am I bird? No. I'm a bat.
I am Batman.
Or am I? Yes, I am Batman.
Happy Halloween.

TV Show: Community
Jeff: [To Professor Slater] Please sleep with me. Please. Pretty please.
I'm so lonely. I haven't slept with anyone in a very long time and you are so good looking.
Please do me the favor of having sex with me.

TV Show: Community
Troy: That's one of my biggest fears.
Abed: What is?
Troy: If I ever, like, woke up as a donut...
Abed: You would eat yourself?
Troy: I wouldn't even question it.

TV Show: Community
Britta: I'm really sorry about how things ended.
Vaughn: Yeah, well I'm really sorry I can't accept your apology 'cause you're toxic, Britta. You know what, you're like the exact opposite of an anti-oxidant. Yeah, psh, I got band practice. Lates.
Britta: Can't we still be friends? Isn't the word "later" already short enough?

TV Show: Community
[Britta turns off the TV.]
Jeff: Hey, what are you doing? That was The Jeffersons, honky...
Britta: I was wrong, OK? Material possessions are important. Think how much happier The Jeffersons were than that family on Good Times.
Jeff: Yeah, but they had good times.

TV Show: Community
[Watching Abed's student films, which are based on the study group.]
Troy: This is wrinkling my brain...
"Troy": This is wrinkling my brain...
Troy: That's wrinkling my brain!

TV Show: Community
Troy: I liked you better when you were smoking.
Britta: I'm so sorry.
Troy: No, you're right. My feet are long and stupid. You can't unring that bell.

TV Show: Community
[Señor Chang has assigned excessive homework.]
Britta: There's only one solution. Someone has to go to Chang and talk to him.
Annie: I vote we all look at Jeff at the same time. [They do.]
Jeff: [Not paying attention] In a way, all of you are right... OK, what was I tuning out?
Annie: You have to get Chang to call off some of this homework! You're the one with the silver tongue.
Pierce: Yeah, go tongue Chang.

TV Show: Community
[The dean is addressing the crowd before a concert.]
Dean Pelton: Green Week was a rousing success here at Greendale. And now for our band, Greene Daeye! By the way, they're not the real Green Day. Thought we should just rip that band-aid off quickly.

TV Show: Community
Shirley: Pierce has got a girlfriend!
Britta: That's great. What's she do?
Pierce: She's an escort.
Shirley: Oh...
Jeff: Some mysteries solve themselves, don't they?

TV Show: Community
Troy: Taking a call girl to an STD fair? There's a joke here.

TV Show: Community